My life long struggle, time for a new day!

[noises1990]

Well... sometimes when your addiction is very strong, relapses occur. Don't be too harsh on yourself but remember your goals! Remember what you want to achieve and what kind of person you want to be!
I always try to imagine that no addiction can control me! I can live well on my own without any kind of addiction. I believe this is the mindset that helped me get rid of pot, cigarettes, alcohol and PMO!

Remember your goals and keep yourself focused on them! You can do it! You're strong!

 

[Newlifeforme]

Thanks, true, that's a good mindset to have.

Journal-08-20-2014

Today I feel that I'm more comfortable socially, I spoke more. I feel that I was more open about my thoughts during training although I still felt some awkward moments but I won't worry about those things. I just have to understand that I'm socializing for myself and not to please others. I know that if I want to be happy in life I must not worry about other people's thoughts about me. I am looking forward to coming out of my shell more and developing a closer a relationship with family. It seems sometimes that my family is distant towards me but I will keep in contact with them. I look forward to saving for my surgery and my travel expenses. A lot was on my mind today  but I just need to keep planning my days going out of my comfort zone with approaching women in mode 1.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Journal 08/21

Today went a lot smoother, I still had strong social anxiety and some nervousness but I opened up socially like I haven't in a while. I played a trivia game at work which was fun. I noticed more today that I have a competitive spirit that comes out when I play games like that, I find myself being aggressive and loud. I need to find more activities to do like that. It definitely helps my confidence, I don't want to seem like a jerk in this way but I won't worry about it, I also encourage people and celebrate their success anyway so I don't think I should worry too much about what people think of that. Maybe I can join one of those meet up groups and go to Disney or something! That sounds cool, I would have never had these thoughts or experiences had I not been abstaining from PMO. I look forward to being more calm decreasing this social and overall anxiety.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today went well, I was very social yet still noticeably nervous. I still have a long way to go. I feel that the lustful feeling still affects me when I am smiling at women but I know it will go away in time. I will still notice their beauty but I don't want mull over it or put them on a high horse. My new job will pose a challenge but I am tired of not socializing as much on days after a relapse. I want to be social all the time.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today I went out to the movies, it was fun. I went with a girl who I met from online. I'm currently reading the book mode-one and I felt that I need to maybe wait till I have rebooted fully before I date much. I feel that then it would be easier initiating mode one; however, I do think I was almost mode-one possibly mode-two.

I feel that my libido is high right now but I am expecting the usual flat-line next week. I have been working out a lot so I believe that's why libido felt so high. 

 

[Newlifeforme]

This week has gone good so far. Every time my libido gets back up I feel like meeting women yet still in the stage where walking up to strangers and talking can be a challenge. I feel like I want to go out more. I'm feeling urges today but coming here and writing this journal helps.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Today was a tough day, I had to leave a job that I was sad to leave but my new job is the past I must follow. I noticed a few girls looking at me but that means nothing unless I say something. I also went to the gym and had a marathon day to burn all the calories I ate earlier. I had some tough urges this weekend that I thought I couldn't get through but thankfully I redirected my habits this week. I want to keep going and see how great day 100 can be and beyond.

 

[Newlifeforme]

I was so upset today that it affected my entire mood for the day. I feel that this woman who I spoke to over the phone from a dating site totally disrespected me, I just want to stop thinking about girls in general so then maybe it will be easier to socialize. I had a tough day at job training too. I felt like relapsing, on a day before work, something I almost never do now! I just feel like today is one of those horrible days. I have to some how find the strength to make it through my trials..

 

[Newlifeforme]

Yesterday and today I relapsed, I lost my job yesterday and I felt devastated because I tried so hard. I almost came on here to write before I did it but I ended up not doing it, I think that if I did then I would have certainly binged less because writing on here during times like these always helps.

 

[Newlifeforme]

Man, I've felt horrible these past few days with everything that's happened. I need to speak to a counselor, maybe I can use the Dawson Mcallister hopeline since it's free. I feel like this is another low point of my year besides the breakup I had earlier.