junknonwer
Member
Hello everyone!
So, here i am and i have to admit that i must have an addictive problem. Only realized it recently to a full extent...
I am a young psychiatrist trainee and i was doing my addiction internship on the structures that are used in my country to treat substance use disorders during these last months. I had already searched on this topic specific topic before and had already found this website but at the moment i didn't consider i had any problem at all and i tought that everything was under control (denial and minimization). But lately, after seeing so many addicts (alcohol, drugs and other kinds of addiction) i started to realize how i shared some of their experiences. But, in my case, it was related to porn addiction.
So, here is my story. I hope that, by telling it to you guys i can, not only share with you all that i went through but also get some more personal insight to the extent of what i've been through until now. So here it goes...
My first contact with porn was when i was 4/5 years old. I found some of the porn magazines my father had hidden under the bed mattress. I didnt knew exactly what that was at the moment but i remember i felt aroused and had an erection at the time. For some reason i dont remember, i had the urge to stimulate myself and started doing it against some pillows while seeing the magazines. As i realized it was hidden, and that was something for adults (the pics were all about adults having intercourse) i then hid them all and started to use them when my parents werent around to stimulate myself that way. This went for some years in secret. Once i was found by my father doing this but thankfully i was doing it without porn at the moment and apart from this being super weird for both of us for sure, we both didnt ask much questions and supressed this event. I started doing this a lot, i remember i would go to the room and pretend to be reading there normal child books (when i was on the primary school and had learned how to read) and i would be seeing these magazines. So, i was starting my addiction. Time went through and, once, i forgot to hid some of them and left them under the bed. My parents discovered them and i remember them discussing this. I pretended i did nothing, and the stash spot changed. So, i had to go without porn for a few years.
Eventually, i found the new stash again when i was older. Time went by and we got internet. I started at around age 12/13 maybe to use it for searching pics in the internet. Later i found a cd my father had with hardcore porn v?deos and made a copy out of it to use and used it a lot. Later on, i discovered i could stimulate myself in another way more pleasure other than using pillows, so i started using my hands. From then on i consumed a lot of porn from softcore to hardcore (but most was hardcore, i guess it was because i was getting more and more tolerant to the porn). So i went through a lot of porn categories (a lot really, until the most extreme even tough it wasnt really my thing at the start). Although i had this addiction i managed to always function quite well in the other aspects of life. I had friends, was a great student, everything went well. I just never did have a girlfriend as i didnt require one. I had the ability to auto pleasure myself as i wanted, with the biggest results with the porn. And the fact i had discovered porn so early kinda screwed my interaction with girls (i was shy, a bit too much sexual oriented in my mind and was kinda ashamed of that). So the part of exploration and discovery of the other sex in a non sexual and sexual way was screwed for me due to my hypersexualized thinking for my age and my addiction.
About 3 years ago i met a girl online. She was a lot hypersexualized as well. We started interacting through a chat online. We had cybersex on the chat. And from then on we started to build a relationship. Wont go into details but i lost my virginity to her and we were in a relationship for 2 years. From around 5 years to now im noticing the impact of porn on my sexual function. My libido was always pretty inexistent due to this early exposre except for hardcore stimulus (i guess i got tolerance from my history of previous exposure to porn) and looking to girls, seeing them irl, didnt get me so much arousal as hardcore porn. Hardcore porn had the dopamine flowing as i see now? This didnt affect me during the time i was with my GF as i really liked her and was focused on her. But as relationship went on and as we had a lot of problems (she was a bit of mentally unbalanced and this started to affect me) i started to not get so aroused by her. And in some moments i couldn't get erect altough most of the time sex was pleasurable. Since i ended the relationship with her i noticed my libido is quite low as usual and i started using porn again. It scaled again to more hardcore themes and specific fetish porn. But i noticed with time i didnt get as aroused and hard as before. To the point sometimes i had the urge to masturbate but it wasnt so good as it should be (i wasnt so hard, and didnt get much pleasure out of it as i used to have before). And i dont have any reason for this, im healthy, no other substance abuse (alcohol or other drugs), no physical or mental problems that could hinder it and i also went to a urologist to rule out other problems when i was with her and started having some trouble in a few times and he said it was performance anxiety (and i guess at the time it was this also mixed to the rest). Lately i also had to switch porn movies sometimes to be able to masturbate to it, as i changed the stimulus i could do it. But i need novelty and kept using more porn. So, i realized i have PIED and have a serious addiction.
At moment, im trying to stop Porn and Masturbation and reboot. I wonder if i will be able to after most of my life with this addiction and my exposure in such a young age. Truth is, im an addict. I have the same pattern as they have. I remember wanting to go home to masturbate to porn, doing it multiple times, the search for it, all the stuff that is part of the addiction. At the moment im i realized the extent of this and i want to stop this. Because, during my whole life, i realize i spent too much time searching for it and using it. And at the moment i still was using it a lot. I had hard drives full of it and could go through an afternoon during my free time just masturbating and searching for more and more porn. Whats the point in this?
Im commited to try (and not just try, i will be able to change patterns, i hope...).
I hope you dont mind me sharing my story. I will do my best to hold on and be able to stay clean. I hope to get through this. I wonder how things would be without this exposure so early in life but i cant go back and erase it. I can just change my future and commit to it.
So, here i am and i have to admit that i must have an addictive problem. Only realized it recently to a full extent...
I am a young psychiatrist trainee and i was doing my addiction internship on the structures that are used in my country to treat substance use disorders during these last months. I had already searched on this topic specific topic before and had already found this website but at the moment i didn't consider i had any problem at all and i tought that everything was under control (denial and minimization). But lately, after seeing so many addicts (alcohol, drugs and other kinds of addiction) i started to realize how i shared some of their experiences. But, in my case, it was related to porn addiction.
So, here is my story. I hope that, by telling it to you guys i can, not only share with you all that i went through but also get some more personal insight to the extent of what i've been through until now. So here it goes...
My first contact with porn was when i was 4/5 years old. I found some of the porn magazines my father had hidden under the bed mattress. I didnt knew exactly what that was at the moment but i remember i felt aroused and had an erection at the time. For some reason i dont remember, i had the urge to stimulate myself and started doing it against some pillows while seeing the magazines. As i realized it was hidden, and that was something for adults (the pics were all about adults having intercourse) i then hid them all and started to use them when my parents werent around to stimulate myself that way. This went for some years in secret. Once i was found by my father doing this but thankfully i was doing it without porn at the moment and apart from this being super weird for both of us for sure, we both didnt ask much questions and supressed this event. I started doing this a lot, i remember i would go to the room and pretend to be reading there normal child books (when i was on the primary school and had learned how to read) and i would be seeing these magazines. So, i was starting my addiction. Time went through and, once, i forgot to hid some of them and left them under the bed. My parents discovered them and i remember them discussing this. I pretended i did nothing, and the stash spot changed. So, i had to go without porn for a few years.
Eventually, i found the new stash again when i was older. Time went by and we got internet. I started at around age 12/13 maybe to use it for searching pics in the internet. Later i found a cd my father had with hardcore porn v?deos and made a copy out of it to use and used it a lot. Later on, i discovered i could stimulate myself in another way more pleasure other than using pillows, so i started using my hands. From then on i consumed a lot of porn from softcore to hardcore (but most was hardcore, i guess it was because i was getting more and more tolerant to the porn). So i went through a lot of porn categories (a lot really, until the most extreme even tough it wasnt really my thing at the start). Although i had this addiction i managed to always function quite well in the other aspects of life. I had friends, was a great student, everything went well. I just never did have a girlfriend as i didnt require one. I had the ability to auto pleasure myself as i wanted, with the biggest results with the porn. And the fact i had discovered porn so early kinda screwed my interaction with girls (i was shy, a bit too much sexual oriented in my mind and was kinda ashamed of that). So the part of exploration and discovery of the other sex in a non sexual and sexual way was screwed for me due to my hypersexualized thinking for my age and my addiction.
About 3 years ago i met a girl online. She was a lot hypersexualized as well. We started interacting through a chat online. We had cybersex on the chat. And from then on we started to build a relationship. Wont go into details but i lost my virginity to her and we were in a relationship for 2 years. From around 5 years to now im noticing the impact of porn on my sexual function. My libido was always pretty inexistent due to this early exposre except for hardcore stimulus (i guess i got tolerance from my history of previous exposure to porn) and looking to girls, seeing them irl, didnt get me so much arousal as hardcore porn. Hardcore porn had the dopamine flowing as i see now? This didnt affect me during the time i was with my GF as i really liked her and was focused on her. But as relationship went on and as we had a lot of problems (she was a bit of mentally unbalanced and this started to affect me) i started to not get so aroused by her. And in some moments i couldn't get erect altough most of the time sex was pleasurable. Since i ended the relationship with her i noticed my libido is quite low as usual and i started using porn again. It scaled again to more hardcore themes and specific fetish porn. But i noticed with time i didnt get as aroused and hard as before. To the point sometimes i had the urge to masturbate but it wasnt so good as it should be (i wasnt so hard, and didnt get much pleasure out of it as i used to have before). And i dont have any reason for this, im healthy, no other substance abuse (alcohol or other drugs), no physical or mental problems that could hinder it and i also went to a urologist to rule out other problems when i was with her and started having some trouble in a few times and he said it was performance anxiety (and i guess at the time it was this also mixed to the rest). Lately i also had to switch porn movies sometimes to be able to masturbate to it, as i changed the stimulus i could do it. But i need novelty and kept using more porn. So, i realized i have PIED and have a serious addiction.
At moment, im trying to stop Porn and Masturbation and reboot. I wonder if i will be able to after most of my life with this addiction and my exposure in such a young age. Truth is, im an addict. I have the same pattern as they have. I remember wanting to go home to masturbate to porn, doing it multiple times, the search for it, all the stuff that is part of the addiction. At the moment im i realized the extent of this and i want to stop this. Because, during my whole life, i realize i spent too much time searching for it and using it. And at the moment i still was using it a lot. I had hard drives full of it and could go through an afternoon during my free time just masturbating and searching for more and more porn. Whats the point in this?
Im commited to try (and not just try, i will be able to change patterns, i hope...).
I hope you dont mind me sharing my story. I will do my best to hold on and be able to stay clean. I hope to get through this. I wonder how things would be without this exposure so early in life but i cant go back and erase it. I can just change my future and commit to it.
