VICTORY over PMO

[PMOVictory]

My Story

I will be 47 in August 2014. I first saw one of my cousins masturbate at the age of 6, he is only 8 months older than me. His parents approve of it and even joked about it as he would do it in front of everyone. Although my parents disapproved of it and told me that what he dit was wrong, somehow it made an imprint in my young curious mind.
The curiosity led to me wanting to know what this is all about. I touched myself and although it did not feel satisfyingly good I can remember how at some stage while continually ?playing? with my small hard penis, a funny sensation would come from it. It was like a feeling of warmth, almost unpleasant, but strangely nice. To the extent that I wanted to continue the ?playing? but for some reason could not. This sparked more curiosity. I wanted to know why I could not continue ?playing? even though it felt nice. This led to me wanting to see if I could keep on playing beyond this feeling it generated and not to stop. Because I knew that my parents disapprove of it I would do it in secret.
Without knowing it at that early innocent yet vulnerable stage of my life, I got addicted to the feeling and pleasure of masturbating. It became an activity that I were involved in more and more. At that stage I did not know about sex, did not know what it was that I was doing, just that I liked the feeling of what it made me feel when I did it.
During this time of my life there were no fantasies of sexual nature when I masturbated. Remember I did not know what it was that I did. Just that I knew that I liked the warm strangely nice feeling that my actions produced. And being so young these orgasms were dry, no cum would be produced at climax.
During this time of my life a lot of time were consumed by either thinking about it, or doing it. At age 9 I remember how I at one stage masturbated so much, even at school during breaks, that the skin on my penis were raw from all the friction. This scared me and for some time I toned it down, but still it was there and I would still masturbate a couple of times per week.
I can not remember a time in my life where masturbation did not play a steady, frequent role in my life. As I matured and reached puberty I can remember how the steady increase of my penis size fascinated me and thus the frequency of masturbation also increased. Still it remained my little secret. I never partook in any group masturbation, or talked with, and to other friends about the topic. I remember one occasion when a boy at school had a magazine with naked people in it. I never made the connection and never even really looked at the photos apart from a distance and just by passing.
I remember that much later on I started to fantasise about girls when I masturbated and the connection were made by me playing with my penis and girls. Only then did I start to fantasise about having a girlfriend or  being married and having a wife. I remember being curious about sex and wanting to find out more about it and how it all worked. Still being very shy and not having any GF. As a matter of fact I finished school and started studying and still not even have any GF of girls as friends.
At the age of 22 I met my first GF and she became my wife after we were engaged for a year. I was bought up by my parents that sex before marriage were a no - no. And that is how I understood it to be. However 6 months into our engagement one day after having a nice time kissing and cuddling my fianc? had me so horny, never even touching me. I remembered asking her to touch my dick. She was afraid to do it and I assured her that it would be OK. She wanted to know what I wanted in return and I just said that it would be OK for me if I could only see and touch her tits. This was the first time anybody touched me and It also so happened that I coached her that day into giving me a hand job.
After that it regularly happened that she would give me a hand job, but only during her menstrual period when she knew it was safe and I had no chance to have sex with her.
For me this was exciting and I could not wait to get married and do the real thing. However the big disappointment came when the first night at out honeymoon she did not want to have anything to do with sex. This was the start of a long lonely 14 years of marriage. We did have sex but very rarely and I was very clear that she did not enjoy it at all.
To me I was betrayed. Everything build up to what I imagined to be a very healthy sexual marriage and then this. I thought that once I was married and sex would be a regular part of my life that I would be able to put masturbation behind me forever. But with a wife like the Ex there were no chance in hell. As a matter of fact it triggered the need to masturbate even more. It was only after a couple of years, I would say, about 4 to 5 years into our marriage that I one day muzzled the guts together and bought the first Playboy I ever bought. This also were the first time that I used porn to masturbate with.
I kept it as a secret from the wife but after a while I was feeling so guilty that I told her what I did and showed her the magazine and took a scissors and cut it into fine pieces. I didn?t want it to land up in the trash and somebody would get it and be led into temptation by me.
But sad to say all during this time when regular healthy sex with the wife were withheld from me, it just fumed my masturbation habit. During this time the internet started to become a household commodity and I stated to revert to it for porn. To the extent that at times my mind were so constantly filed with thinking about sex that I just barely functioned. There were days that I would masturbate up to 7 times. Don?t ask me where I got the energy and stamina for it! But on average 2 - 3 times were the norm.
Apart from this area in my life that I was feeling deprived and betrayed of. The rest was normal. I reckoned that I was ?happily? married and that there were no reason for any divorce. but 14 years into the marriage the Ex wife walked out on me, taking my 3 sons with her.
The devastation of the wife leaving me made me rebelled even more. The depression of a broken marriage made me revert to the internet four hours at end, sometimes going through the night. This were also when I first went to an Adult Store and got some DVD?s. I thought that this would numb my pain and rejection but it just were not the case. To me the guilt that were part of it were just so overwhelming. I tried to stop it and for a while it went better.
It was during this time that I met my second wife. Again I did not want to have any sex before marriage and we agreed to it. Soon we decided to get married and then after we made the decision to get married we started to have sex out side of wedlock. The sex was good, the best I have ever had. After I?ve met my new wife and during our courtship I did not PMO at all.
The the guilt kicked in, we realised that we did not want to have sex outside of marriage and that we were doing it. We both decided that we would stop having sex at all and that we will resume it after our marriage. So we went without sex for 2 months. For met it was difficult and then I started to MO again in secret.
After we married I hoped that we would pick up the sex where we left it for the 2 months before getting married but alas, it was not the same anymore. We battled to have sex frequently and eventually very soon after we got married we settled to only having sex once a week. Again to me it was disappointing. Although we love each other a lot and are very supportive of each other the sex were not what I hoped it would be and once again slowly but surely the whole saga started all over again. Internet Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm were part of my routine, more than what I really wanted but now it were s part of me that I found it difficult to step away from it.
A life long battle of 40 years need to end.
All through my life I realised that I need to do something about it, I just never could take control of it. Will I ever be able to put an end to this??
Is porn and masturbation going to ruin my life??
Will my mind be bothered wit it for the rest of my life??
I need help??

In the next post I will share with you what all happened to get me to start this new journey.
A journey of VICTORY over PMO

 

[Tclay]

PMOVictory
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.  Looks like you are on your way to separating from PMO. Keep you guard up and stay strong.  Some initial advise for you:  read blogs and post in several (get involved).  Being part of the ebb and flow helps you stay strong. 

Again, Welcome...

 

[Gracie]

Great to have you post your story!  I know that it takes a lot to do this.  But it does help to be here.  Especially when your feelings are on red alert.  I think that this is the path that most men have.  Men are taught masturbation is normal sometimes they are even encouraged.  Women are taught to wait for the right man.  They are not taught what to do with sexual frustration.  Maybe that is a good thing.  Keep posting!

 

[jkkk]

PMOVictory,

Hey there. Good to see you here. Keep coming back.

I am 20 years younger than you, yet I can see so many similarities in our stories.

I am having a very serious problem with satisfaction with the sex life with my wife. It makes no sense from a rational point of view - so I relate to the fact that you had a great sex life with your before marriage and afterwards it broke down.

Another similarity is that I also followed the path of no sex before marriage and also stumbled upon it. We were having sex with my wife before marriage and it was pretty good. Then we decided (or rather: I insisted) on not having any before marriage, which led to a 1,5 year gap. And when we restarted... well, things are far away from being great.

So I can very much relate to your story. Write me a PM if you want to discuss.

 

[Bibbity]

Sounds like you are ready to finally make changes and that is great!!

As the wife of an addict I can see things from the other point of view.  My husband and I had a normal sex life but then it tapered off around the 3 month mark of being together.  The problem was that he was not willing to stop masturbating.  He thought he could have both and his pursuit of me dwindled.  He told himself many stories about why masturbation was better or 'needed', like I wasn't that interested in sex or I just didn't want sex because of whatever reason he made up in his head.  He literally would think "well I think bibbity is too tired for sex anyway so I will just masturbate".  The fact is that he was making the choice and my interest in sex did not dwindle.  His disinterest in sex because of masturbation increased.  We had a communication breakdown.

What I am getting at is that if my husband hadn't seen masturbation as an option he would have been 'forced' to come to me to talk about our issues with sex.  Instead he covered them up with masturbation.  Was it possible you were doing the same thing?  How did masturbation affect your pursuit of your wife or your ability to be vulnerable, intimate and romantic with her?  These are all ingredients to a healthy sex life.  I understand your point of view that your wives were not interested in sex suddenly after marriage but as a woman I simply question if this is true from her point of view.

 

[LTE]

Sounds like you are ready to finally make changes and that is great!!

As the wife of an addict I can see things from the other point of view.  My husband and I had a normal sex life but then it tapered off around the 3 month mark of being together.  The problem was that he was not willing to stop masturbating.  He thought he could have both and his pursuit of me dwindled.  He told himself many stories about why masturbation was better or 'needed', like I wasn't that interested in sex or I just didn't want sex because of whatever reason he made up in his head.  He literally would think "well I think bibbity is too tired for sex anyway so I will just masturbate".  The fact is that he was making the choice and my interest in sex did not dwindle.  His disinterest in sex because of masturbation increased.  We had a communication breakdown.

What I am getting at is that if my husband hadn't seen masturbation as an option he would have been 'forced' to come to me to talk about our issues with sex.  Instead he covered them up with masturbation.  Was it possible you were doing the same thing?  How did masturbation affect your pursuit of your wife or your ability to be vulnerable, intimate and romantic with her?  These are all ingredients to a healthy sex life.  I understand your point of view that your wives were not interested in sex suddenly after marriage but as a woman I simply question if this is true from her point of view.

I agree completely with your viewpoint on this. I've said it many times; you can have real sex or you can have make believe sex, but not both; which would you prefer?

 

[Married with children]

This is a sad story. Filled with so much guilt and frustration. Porn is bad for you...regardless. But the notion of no sex before marriage is just as bad. There is no reason for this (as long as you do not make children) and can lead to life wrecking mistakes like marrying someone that does not enjoy sex.

 

[DeltaFosAware]

It seems to me that the issue of masturbation must be separated from the issue of pornography. Whilst I can understand a partner feeling that interest in them sexually may dwindle because of their partners masturbation and fantasy life, the communication breakdown in the relationship is likely to be far deeper than a masturbatory issue.

Dealing with each other's different sex drives is an issue for any long term couple. It should also not be over looked that Women masturbate also. Possibly their frequency is different but why should something that gives self pleasure and release to both male and female be denied in a healthy sexual relationship? For that matter, mutual masturbation can also be good for you both!

If anything was preventing communication in any partnership, the chances are it's causes were more emotional than sexual. It is highly likely that many men find it hard to 'open up' with certain women and really be themselves. They may have had over bearing Fathers and uncommunicative or even abusive Mothers. This will make 'self intimacy' more appealing and certainly 'safer.' Clearly then Porn will reinforce this perspective on the basis of increasing use leading to decreasing satisfaction with both the hyper-stimulation of porn and the apparent 'dullness' of actual sexual contact.

 

[PMOVictory]

Gracie - Thanx for your thoughts. I totally agree, a lot of men are thought that masturbation is good and are even encouraged to do it to rid their sexual frustrations  and build up. However I grew up where I was told that it is a no-no. So although I did it I always had a feeling of guilt, while acting out my masturbation and afterwards. But still at first the curiosity and later the feeling of the orgasms and wanting to experience that feeling more and more, fired my habit of masturbation that by itself, even long before porn came on the scene formed an addiction. So I was addicted to masturbation before porn. Porn later on gave me that extra boost end novelty to just keep on and on.

Bibbity - For me I would after marriage prefer never to have masturbated and look at porn. However after the marriage and having a high sex drive, and not enough sex. I mean for a young man of 23 married and only having sex once a month is really a lot to ask for. It is only now that I understand that my high sex drive have been fired by the masturbation habit (no porn yet at that stage of my life). But still for me normal would have been at least 3 times a week. So the lack of "enough" sex. On top of the fact that the wife did not enjoy it at all, just fuelled the masturbation habit.
And yes as a result of that, and the fact that whenever I approached the sex subject and the lack of it. And then having to deal with all the negativity that came out of it, as a result of trying to address an issue and wanting to find a solution to it. Then to find that the attempt to address it just worsened the whole story... All of this eventually were a big factor in saying... This is to much.
Trying to be romantic, did not help... she just closed up, coz in her mind she already saw that it will eventually lead to something, sex, that she did not want. Any approach to be intimate, just made her shy away from me.

So eventually I resorted more and more to the option of helping myself. At least there were not all the other crap I had do try and cope with. So when it did happen, once a month having sex with her, it was just to keep me off her back. You see although I masturbated, she never knew about it. I still would approach her for sex at least once a week, without success. Then eventually when she would budge, I always knew and could feel that she were not enjoying it. Most of the times she would not even touch me and try to please me. It were just like she allowed me to use her body to get me off her back. No emotions, no affection, nothing. So yes, a difficult situation to handle.
How should I have handled it...? I don't know...!
To me the marriage covenant we made were to be honoured, and apart from the sex issue we were quite happy. So masturbation just were the outlet of my sexual frustration and later when the internet came, porn became  part of it.
Still I knew that I should not do it, and that it is wrong. And yes that it is destroying me in more than one way and aspect of my life.
Many a time I wanted to stop but could not. That to me was a clear indication that I was hooked and addicted!

 

[PMOVictory]

As I approach the 70 day mark of no PMO I want to make the following comments.

To have put my mind to go 90 days without PMO were a choice I made realising that it is a tall order for someone that could barely go a week without it. Let alone that I tried to quit it ever so often and always relapsed shortly thereafter. To put it plainly, I am addicted to masturbation, the wonderful feeling of orgasm and the novelty that the porn give me.
But a combination of different things happened in the span of a couple of weeks since easter weekend that made me realise that this is something that I need to stop. I need to quit it, the sooner than later!
Still while I got to that realisation and wanting to quit, I could not. However it were like getting even more challenging. There were times during the last couple of weeks that I masturbated on average 3 times per day.
It was during one of this impulsive urges,
not thinking rationally that I,
during a week day,
at home,
round about 8:30am,
after I already had a masturbation session at about 6:30am that same day,
were in my study,
Got the urge to do it again,
locked the door,
pulled down my pants and started to jerk.
Thinking back, I'm insane. What is wrong with me...!?
Well I'm addicted to masturbation!

Then the inevitable happened...
I hardly started to jerk off when my wife came looking for me.
I could hear her footsteps but were to slow to pull up the pants, unlock the door and act as if I were in the study looking for something. Well she found the door locked and knocked on it calling my name. Then she knocked again. I did not move or even made the slightest noise. Then when it sounded that she were walking away.
Relieved that she left I zipped up and just as I was ready to go, my mobile phone started to ring. "Damn..."
It showed that she was calling me from her mobile.
I could not but answer the phone, and yes she was still standing outside the door.
I was caught out, what would I say.
As I opened the door she wanted to know what I was doing behind a locked door that time of the day. I tried to brush it off as nothing, but guilt were written all over my face. I could not lie and I came out with the whole story.
She was outraged and screaming she left my presence.
What now...

This might be the last of our marriage, the trust relationship was broken. I realised instinctively that I was in big trouble.

How will I be able to fix this...? I don't know!
All I know is that it needed attention. The sooner than later!

Looking back over what happened after that incident  just about 75 days ago. I can now in hind side see the providence in it. How it happened for my sake so that I can be cured of my addiction and have Victory over PMO!

Time is running out and I will soon share the rest of my story to glory soon.

Till then, I just want to say to all of you. Stay strong in beating this addiction before it destroys you!

 

[LTE]

That's quite an account. The farther I go in this process the more I see how destructive masturbation truly is.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Everyone

It's been going very busy with me lately, to the extent that I do not get enough time to be on the forum and post a lot. However I think a lot of what I have read in a lot of the personal accounts of you all.
As the time is ticking by, I realise how my mind, and for that matter all of our minds have been programmed by society in a whole.
There are so many old wife tails about what sex, and what men are and should be sexually, means and are meant to be.
For example. I haven't had any orgasm in 79 days now, as my wife and I are doing this reboot together and resetting even our lovemaking. On 26 July we will most certainly celebrate this time with you can imagine... (Gotten side tracked a little)
Getting back to not even having an orgasm during this time. I realised how wobbled we are programmed. I read how some guys fear getting blue balls from not having orgasms, others fear for their mental stability, etc.
I can just say that during this time I have learned a lot about myself, my perspective of my wonderful lovely, beautiful wife has changed and I see her in a new light. And so do I see our marriage. It is and will not be so dependent on sexual performance, and guess what. I realise that having that thing not hanging over our heads, I know that it will b even greater and have more meaning and fulfilment than ever before. I would say as close as what the Creator intended it to be for us.
Hope you find some inspiration in this.

Be blessed, and stay free from PMO!

 

[Bibbity]

That is wonderful!!  I love hearing a man gain perspective when he realizes all of the bullshit he's been sold over the years.....women too!  So glad you are reconnecting with your wife.

 

[DeltaFosAware]

It is so wonderful to read that you and your Wife don't see your relationship and about working towards and having orgasm(s). There is a deeper connection, on an emotional level, that you are rediscovering and re-exploring. You are so right, it's not just Porn that puts this value on orgasm and sexual gratification, it's become a social thing over time.

I was looking at the trailer for the new Hercules film and, sure enough, it features a few seconds of evocative female imagery. Now I'm not saying that to be prudish but you can see the link between strength, masculinity, power and male sexuality. It is as of these images are all around us. We can choose not to PMO but society sexualises everything from Cars to IceCream. Possibly at least in Porn it's sexualised purpose is blatant and honest. The pretence is real but the result just another means of controlling our behaviour to make money.

 

[LTE]

It is so wonderful to read that you and your Wife don't see your relationship and about working towards and having orgasm(s). There is a deeper connection, on an emotional level, that you are rediscovering and re-exploring. You are so right, it's not just Porn that puts this value on orgasm and sexual gratification, it's become a social thing over time.

I was looking at the trailer for the new Hercules film and, sure enough, it features a few seconds of evocative female imagery. Now I'm not saying that to be prudish but you can see the link between strength, masculinity, power and male sexuality. It is as of these images are all around us. We can choose not to PMO but society sexualises everything from Cars to IceCream. Possibly at least in Porn it's sexualised purpose is blatant and honest. The pretence is real but the result just another means of controlling our behaviour to make money.

I think that there is a great social misapprehension about sex. It's turned into an olympic event, not an expression of love.

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Totally, it used to be you could be good at sports, now sex is very much akin to an Olympic event...I'm surprised we haven't seen it prompted as a sport so far but I doubt if we will have too long to wait.

Fortunately, I am past my prime a possibly more in the category of retired from the ring. I think that, like most retired pros, I still like to keep my game in but it's no longer super sharp like it used to be...You never know, I might be asked to comment from the side lines for the BBC next time! I hope they pay well because my expertise does not come cheap!

 

[LTE]

Totally, it used to be you could be good at sports, now sex is very much akin to an Olympic event...I'm surprised we haven't seen it prompted as a sport so far but I doubt if we will have too long to wait.

Fortunately, I am past my prime a possibly more in the category of retired from the ring. I think that, like most retired pros, I still like to keep my game in but it's no longer super sharp like it used to be...You never know, I might be asked to comment from the side lines for the BBC next time! I hope they pay well because my expertise does not come cheap!

I totally agree that sex has become like an Olympic event. I've made this same observation many times before. It's a sad thing.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi All

I've been a bit absent the last couple of days.
My business has been very demanding with a lot of work and deadlines so here I am, still keeping strong.

As I am reaching the goal of the 90 day reboot, different things are playing off in my mind. I suppose in a way this is all part of what I am going through.

Firstly I want to say that I want to stay free of PMO for the rest of my days!
I have come to realise that it is something that I do not need in my life!
I can cope without it!
I can actually be very happy and fulfilled without it!
I have more time ad hand without it!
I have more energy in it's absence!
My mind is clearer and I'm more focused!
I am more aware of what is going on around me!
I am more connected to life as a whole, but in particular more so with my wife and kid!
I am more in control overall!
I am more patient!
I am more loving!
I am more caring!
I am more open minded!
I am more willing to listen to suggestions my wife will make and validate her for her input!

PMO is empty, cheap and unsatisfying.
There is no real afterglow and it does not leave you with a sense of accomplishment afterwards. As a matter of fact it makes you feel resentful towards yourself and always feeling guilty afterwards.
I behaved in ways that would justify bad behaviour.

Secondly I came to realise that my wife is my only desire.
I have neglected her over the years at the cost of our relationship and happiness.
Something that has over the past almost 90 days became more apparent to me is that a happy marriage is not about sex and the frequency there of. No it is about a happy caring relationship. Like I said, we decided to go through the reboot abstaining even from having sex and making love. Looking back on that decision, I now realise that that choice we made, made it possible for us to get to realising things that we did that we otherwise would not have realised. E.G. That we can be happy and fulfilled in our marriage without sex. That we can be loving and appreciative towards each other without the expectation that there will be a sexual reward for this "good behaviour". etc.
I remember always thinking by myself, especially when the wife were complaining about different things. "just give me more sex and you will see how all this will change!"
What a lie!!!
Without sex and PMO it changed!
What was the problem after all, where did it lay?
Definitely not at the lack of more sex.
But a disconnection from my wife caused by PMO! And I did not even realise it.
It is only now after getting this far in the reboot that I realise all of this.

Joining this forum and YBOP certainly were one of the best moves I could take. Reading through the different real life experiences and learning through your mistakes and challenges helped a lot. You should know that I will never quit this forum. I will keep on posting my story, and reading your posts, and where I deem it relevant give a word of advice and support.

I just want to share briefly what happened to me this morning.

My wife and son went to town. I'm in bed with the flue. (Living in the Southern Hemisphere, having an awful winter.) For the first time in quite a while I was left at home all by myself. As I was laying in bed thinking back over the past 3 months that will end in a week today exactly. In my mind I started to have a conversation with myself about this whole PMO thing. Grateful to not have PMOd for this time, having endured many temptations. I started to think by myself.
I know that I did not struggle with ED and that my erections are strong. Even morning wood for me never were an issue. But what is going to happen when my wife and I get together in a weeks time. Will I not be to over sensitive down there. As these thoughts passed my mind I got such a strong erection that I could not just avoid it or brush it off.
I cupped my penis with both hands in a way to just let it relax, gently squeezing it. This did not help me to relax and get my mind off it. Instead I got more horny. Remember no P as visual stimulation, just the thought of what will happen between the wife and myself when we will re-connect in a weeks time sexually after the reboot.
WOW, thinking of that having this effect on me almost drove me insane. Though I never struggled with erections, and keeping it up. Some form of physical stimulation were always needed to maintain that strong erection.
It showed to me that although I did not suffer from ED, P messed up my mind, social and physical relationship with my wife!
Just gaining back this, and learning so much about myself over the past almost 90 days, is worth all the effort.
Then a funny thing happened. While having this awesome erection and nothing to really do with it, I slowly started to massage and jerk my penis. This felt sooo gooood, I just wanted to push myself over to the point of no return.
It is then that I realised that I am not going to allow this to happen!!! I can not do it to my wife and myself. Dit you get it?
I can not do this to my WIFE and myself...!
Yes, I firstly did not think about what it would do to me. But what it would do to my wife and then to me.
I know that the chances of her finding out about it were zero. Still in my mind I considered her before I considered myself.
This is significant. I can only say that it is a direct result of what the reboot has done for me. It made me realise that; it is not just about me, but us!
Now I want to give you all the best advice. When you feel the urge to masturbate, the best way to beat it is to have a hands off approach. It works wonders.
When the thought came to me that I can not do this to my wife and myself. I stopped all physical touch. Took my hands and placed it on my chest repeating to myself. "This is not for me, I can not do it, I will not do it!"
Guess what, in less than 30 seconds the urge to continue to M faded and my erection just went down.
It took me 83 days to get to this real break through.
What am I saying by this...?
Never give up on yourself.
Never think that you know it all.
Always keep an open mind.
Don't think you will decide what you will do at the heat of the moment. NO! Decide ahead what you want the outcome to be, and act accordingly!

I know this post has been a long one. However I had a lot on my mind and needed to share it wit you all. Hopefully some of you can gain from it. For me I have learned over the years, and I think you will all agree with me, journaling is one of the best ways to help one to understand and compartmentalise things for oneself to get a better understanding of what you need to grasp.

Be blessed

PMOVictory

 

[Hottspringss]

You're doing good PMOV.  And believe me, your story is an inspiration for me as I'm long in the habit and new in the recovery.

 

[Bibbity]

Wow wow wow!!  Your revelations had me in tears!  I am so so happy for you and your wife.  She is now a lucky woman to have a man by her side.