My battle with Delayed Ejaculation

C

Camouflage

Active Member
I started rebooting in the spring 2015. When I started I was almost anorgasmic. I had sex with my girlfriend for about 20 times during a few months, but I could only orgasm once or twice. And even then it took too long to be comfortable for me or for my gf. For the past year I have been almost porn free (just a few relapses), and I have also tried to keep masturbation to a minimum. I have had multiple nofap streaks of 60+ days.

Rebooting has certainly made ejaculation much easier for me. I am currently able to orgasm most of the time (maybe 80%) during intercourse with my girlfriend. Abstaining from orgasm for a few days makes me more sensitive and it is easier to climax. But I can't seem to achieve the state where I could have sex every day. If I try to have sex every day or perhaps multiple times per day, I still end up with a delayed or even a retarded ejaculation.

My question is, how can I beat DE for good? Should I go for a hardmode reboot? Even though I have been rebooting for a year, I haven't done hardmode. I have kept having sex regularly with real partners (different girlfriends). I am a healthy guy 38 years old, so 1-2 ejaculations per day shouldn't be too much to ask, right?
 
B

blanchot

Member
The relative lack of literature pertaining to DE suggests that people just don't know enough about it, certainly it doesn't get the attention spilled (oops) on ED.

Can I ask you a question? Do you think your DE is totally PI or was it evident before you got into P (or before P got hold of you)?

Personally, as a fellow sufferer, I think P is just one factor albeit a large one. Like you I'm a healthy guy of similar age, who has fairly regular sex, and I've never been able to climax, not once.

Could it be something deeper psychologically?
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
Good questions. I totally agree that there is very little info available on Delayed Ejaculation (DE). According to Google it is a rare problem while premature ejaculation is a much more common problem among guys. I don't think that DE is totally porn induced in my case. Instead I think that it is a combination of several things: physical, psychological and porn.

PHYSICAL: I think that one factor in my case was my circumcision. I was circumcised as an adult for medical reasons, and I was given a "low cut" which means that my inner foreskin was cut off almost completely and my circ scar is very close to the glans. This reduced my physical sensitivity quite a bit in my opinion. I never had any issues with DE before this operation even though I was already a hard core porn user.

PSYCHOLOGICAL: Even after my circumcision I always managed to orgasm with my wife with whom I was married for a long time. But then I got divorced and that's when DE became a real problem. I couldn't orgasm at all with my new partners! This indicates to me that psychological things are also involved (btw there was another guy on this forum who had a similar onset of DE after his divorce). Performance anxiety causes both ED and DE in my experience.

PORN: The third factor in my DE is probably porn and masturbation. I was a heavy porn user for sure. But rebooting and nofapping has helped me to reach climax easier! However, I am not entirely sure why it helped. I suppose that it could be just a physical fact that when we abstain from ejaculation the pressure kind of "builds up" and the release becomes easier. That's what I am currently experiencing. If I hold off my ejaculation for a few days I am pretty much guaranteed to orgasm the next time I have sex. But if I go for "round 2" on the same day (or the next morning) I am not likely to climax. I just don't have enough feeling in my penis. Interestingly though, I am able to PMO up to 4 times per day!

It is good to share experiences with a fellow sufferer. Could you write something about your background and experience related to DE? What is your state in those 3 categories that I mentioned above? For example, are you circumcised with a "low cut" by any chance, or do you have any pshychological issues? You mentioned that you have never been able to climax, I assume that this doesn't count masturbation?

Oh, one more thing. Antidepressants are known to cause DE. But I have never taken them.
 
B

blanchot

Member
Thanks for sharing. Hopefully, largely thanks to forums like these, more of us DE sufferers will come out of the woodwork, perhaps painting a clearer picture, although I'm not so naive to think that there is one strand and one solution to the problem.

Seeing as you were comprehensive in your analysis, I'll endeavour to follow your framework:

PHYSICAL: I haven't been circumcised, but I have noticed something. When I masturbate it tends to be outside the foreskin ie. not retracted. So when I penetrate a woman or have oral sex I am conscious of the foreskin naturally retracting and the underexposed glans is as a result extremely sensitive, painful, even with a condom. Perhaps the pain is a factor here.

PSYCHOLOGICAL: When I started to masturbate as an adolescent, not to porn, for some reason it was with a flaccid penis. it wasn't until well into my thirties that I trained myself to do it 'normally.' This training naturally involved a LOT of porn, so maybe I can only associate getting an erection and ejaculating with pornography. Penetration and maintaining an erection are not big issues for me, although some days are better than others.

PORN: Hard to say how much porn has had an effect but safe to assume it's a significant amount. What it taught me is to objectify woman where I can only look at them in terms of their body shape and what I can do with it. Also the things I like(d) to watch were oddly not related to the things I actually want to do with woman which, to simplify, are just the relatively normal acts of sex.

That's about it. Never taken antidepressants although I'm a fairly regular drinker, which I'm sure can't help that much. And yes, can masturbate to orgasm on my own but not with someone else. Going to see a specialist doctor when I get back to the UK next week so I'll see what he says.
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
I would be very interested to hearing what the specialist doctor has to say! If you don't want to write it to this thread, feel free to write me a private message.

Our situations seem to be quite different, but the symptoms are similar. As I mentioned I have found much help from rebooting (no P, no M), so that would be my recommendation to you as well. You mentioned being able to MO alone but not with a real partner. To me that sounds like you have some trouble being fully relaxed with another person. I actually tried hypnotic / relaxation therapy for this issue, and found it somewhat helpful although it is difficult to rule out random effects. I have also been doing some stretching exercises (foreskin restoration) to improve my physical problem of a tight foreskin.

As I mentioned, I was almost anorgasmic 1,5 years ago. My situation is much better now, although I am still not happy with it. Hopefully things keep improving for both of us! Keep us posted. Perhaps other people would also like to share their experiences with delayed ejaculation problems in this thread. I'm sure we could all benefit from shared knowledge.
 
B

blanchot

Member
Sure, depending what he says I'll let you know, if it's relevant.

Definitely going to reboot in hardmode for at least 90 days, I think that's the way to go about it. Can you tell me more about these foreskin stretching exercises?

Keep on keeping on.
 
N

Nickname

Member
I think it has a lot to do with how we have "trained" ourselves during masturbation to climax (it just doesn't catch our eyes, we are distracted). Even if we have sex we struggle to climax just as we are during masturbation. Also, I think masturbation is far more harmful for the progress than having sex BUT you have to look at how you are trying to approach climax. Is it dependent on certain "tricks" or ways to achieve it. We need to let go of this thought/struggle to come at any circumstances because that's what prevents us from recovering 100%. At least that's what is keeping me from recovering 100%.
 
B

blanchot

Member
Hey Nickname,

What do you mean by 'trained'? Are you referring to the actual physical motion of M or the images we have become accustomed to which turn us on? Or both?

Personally I'm aware that climax when I M can only usually be achieved if I have a specific image in my head. Is this the same for you? If so, how have you managed to deal with that?

Keep on keeping on
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
Nickname is probably referring to the "deathgrip syndrome". I certainly have this problem. When I masturbate I tend to do it with a tight grip and fast rhytm. Even if I try to go slow, I instinctively accelerate the pace towards the end in order to reach the point of no return. I tried to change the way I M, but I wasn't successful, so I decided to abstain instead. I also find it difficult to M to touch alone. I need some images in my mind (P-substitute) in order to climax. I hope that by rebooting I will re-learn to enjoy "vanilla sex" both physically and mentally without the need for fast pace or dirty images.

The foreskin stretching exercises that I was referring to are detailed in http://www.restoringforeskin.org/public/foreskin-restoration-manual-tugging-routine-blog

I am not sure how well these apply for non-circumcised guys though. Foreskin restoration is done mainly by circumcised guys, who feel that the lack of glans cover has decreased the sensitivity of their penis (that's how I feel myself). The exercises make their foreskin remnant longer, although it is a slow process, and it may eventually cover the glans just like an intact (non-cut) foreskin. Not all circumcised guys have this problem of decreased sensitivity, however. I'm not sure why it only affects some of us. It may be related to amount of "inner skin" that is left to the penis during the operation. In my situation the inner skin was almost completely cut off.

I am still not sure which of those 3 categories (physical, psychological, PMO) is the main contributor to my problem. That's why I am trying to deal with them all at the same time.
 
B

blanchot

Member
Yes,  I'm also looking at things holistically. Staying off the P and M, looking at physical issues, keeping the mind healthy.

Realized I've probably got phimosis and that the foreskin tightness might be contributing to the hyper-sensitivity of the glans during sex. So I've been walking around for the last week with my foreskin retracted, inside my pants, in an effort to accustom myself and my penis to that sensation. The first day was weird but after that it's been fine, sometimes barely noticeable. Then in the bath been trying to 'stretch' the foreskin just gradually, so that two fingers can fit inside. Almost managing to do this. That's why I asked you about the exercises although I can see, you were right, they don't help much for uncircumcised men like myself.

Amazing how much this is making me evaluate all the practices, psychological to physical, I've formed over the years. Interesting!
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
Stretching the skin should work to cure phimosis, but it is a slow process (takes weeks or months to see improvement). If you speak to a doctor about it, he will likely recommend circumcision. But I would consider it only as a last resort if the stretching really does not help.

In my opinion you are only at the beginning of your reboot (20 days according to your counter), so there is a good chance that you will start seeing amazing things at 40 days mark. That's what happened to me anyway... Despite my physical problems, I had some great sex at the end of my first long nofap streak. :)
 
S

Serenades

Member
Try gradually to reach O's during sex.Dont overdo it too soon.
Try at first weeks to O only once a week
Then next weeks-monts twice a week etc etc.
You have to slowly-gradualy retrain your body for frequently-daily orgasms.
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
Serenades said:
Try gradually to reach O's during sex.Dont overdo it too soon.
Try at first weeks to O only once a week
Then next weeks-monts twice a week etc etc.
You have to slowly-gradualy retrain your body for frequently-daily orgasms.
Click to expand...

That sounds like a reasonable thing to try. May I ask, do you have experience on the matter? Did it work for you?
 
B

blanchot

Member
Partial success!

The other night with a girl achieved orgasm and ejaculation through her hand stimulation. It was a while coming, in both senses, and I got to the familiar feeling of 'this isn't happening' before lying back on the bed, shutting my eyes, and letting her do what she was doing. I reached climax by trying to focus on the feeling of what she was doing as well as, perhaps oddly, the image of something we had been doing just half an hour earlier. I realised too that during intercourse I was holding my breath at times so I tried to focus on breathing too - perhaps regular meditation is a good option.

Afterwards there was initial relief/euphoria but this was soon replaced by a kind of despondency, a feeling which carried on to most of yesterday too. I wonder why.

Feeling better about things now but I realise this is a dangerous kind of time as having come once I want to do it again as soon as possible and I can almost justify watching P on that basis. I won't though because P was part of the problem in the first place.

Another aid the other other night was half a pill which my specialist had prescribed. Not sure how much that helped because in the state I was in I think I could have stayed hard anyway. Still, didn't hurt to have it as an extra.

Next step is to achieve orgasm through penetration. Small steps. :)
 
C

Camouflage

Active Member
That's great to hear! Finishing by a handjob is something I haven't achieved in a long long time. Congratulations blanchot!

I also had a successful weekend. On Saturday I had sex 3 times with my girlfriend and I managed to orgasm every time! It felt fantastic. But it does not mean that I am cured of DE. In fact, on Friday we had sex and I couldn't climax at all. I felt very bad and frustrated after that session. :( I'm really not sure, why is it that my performance varies so much. Fortunately I got an encouraging experience on Saturday, otherwise I would be very depressed.

I have noticed that the uncertainty of my performance is lowering my libido. I don't want to have sex, because I know how much intense concentration and effort it is going to require for me to reach orgasm. I am sure that this is not how it is supposed to be... I have read that it is not unnatural for a guy to be off mood sometimes. But I often find myself deliberately avoiding sex.

But hopefully my progress will continue so that ultimately I can be turned on easily without any worries about reaching orgasm.
 
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