The Hero's Journey

[Zakes]

Yesterday I had a wank like 4 times, and as a result I didn't even accomplish anything, yesterday. I after cleaned up my life energy from the floor for the fourth time in one day, I felt  upset and disgusted with myself. I felt like this was all my life had become, I felt like although I desire these women, my negative habit only brings me further from from obtaining them. I have to say quitting  pmo is way harder than quitting cigarettes which I have managed to quit for 7 weeks. I'll post everyday or every second day until I reach my goal of 90 day... no matter what happens I will win.

 

[Zakes]

[Day 1]
Fuck It... Had another relapse just because I wanted to remember what my favorite porn star looked like before I left the game for good. Should have known I was just tricking myself into old habits. I didn't wanna post about it or reset my precious counter before I even began but at the end  of the day I would only be lying to myself and that would be pointless... So the journey begins again, Day 1...

 

[Zakes]

[Day 1]

Well I made through day 1 without fapping. Today I spent the whole day in my room and usually when I spend the whole day in my room I fap. Today was no different I felt the strong urge to pmo and as a result I couldn't focus on anything else. In order to distract myself from the urge I spent most of the day watching anime, which was preceded by me searching for interviews and pictures of female bodybuilders(no nudes though), I realize now, that my was brain trying to relapse, because I'm totally into female bodybuilders. I realized though after searching for indirect versions of my fetishes, like searching for bodybuilder interviews and transsexual interviews(my favorite porn genre) that my past relapses always started with me searching for porn indirectly. It was a tough first day but I made it through and I've come to the conclusion that I watch way too much anime, tv series and moies, so as of today I'm going on a media fast, where I will not watch any anime,  movies or tv series. I will instead focus on reading books, exercising, reading the news and watching informative programs such as documentaries and connecting with more people. The media fast is gonna be super scary but, to me it seems pointless to quit pmo if I'm just gonna waste that extra time. Hopefully I wont die of boredom before my next post. 

 

[Zakes]

[Day 2]
I know the post comes a bit late, but I took the advice on this forum and chose to spend time with my friends, you know the whole, trying to rewire my brain thing. I have to say that it feels much better to be with friends instead of being on my own and battling negative thoughts. I even found out that one of the girls on our debate society has a crush on me, I don't know how I didn't see it, maybe it was my negativity and self loathing, that made me blind to it. The media fast is kind of tough, Its not easy giving up TV, but I'll keep on trying though. Generally I feel good, but I know the road ahead is still far and probably  going to be filled with many challenges. I realize that what I mainly want out of nofap is the ability to connect deeply with people. I promise to try as much as I can to forge stronger bonds with people and place myself in unfamiliar social situations, in  order to become the social version of myself I desire most.

 

[Zakes]

[Day 4]
It's been 4 days since my last pmo, and I actually don't feel like anything is missing, I don't miss it and I don't think about it. I've been living with friends for the last few days( some of them female and some males), as a result I haven't had time to think about pmo. To be honest I still miss sex with a woman, coz it's been almost a year. These days however I'm thinking about more  than just sex with a woman, I'm actually curious in what kind person she might be. Something I've been battling with is quitting alcohol and ganja. For the last few days, I've been able to chill with my friends while they are drinking and it's actually  not so bad, just as long as I try to my best to actually socialize. The media fast is going well, although I did watch an hour of anime I feel like It was kind of a waste of time but it couldn't be helped because, watching the episodes weekly is a habit, hopefully I'll start breaking it.  I've also been exercising like crazy these past few days, I'm training to do a planche push up, so its been pushups galore. I feel in high spirits and I feel like I'm getting slightly better at being present.

 

[Zakes]

[Day 7]
Its been ages since I had the time to post, but I'm having fun though. Today is a major milestone for me, a week is the period I've been trying to get to for ages, and I have finally arrived. I got high today, and I imagined everyone was saying negative things about me, and it felt shit. I had the urge to relapse because I felt like I was being anti social but I remembered that my delayed ejaculation was caused by this evil habit, so I was able to control it, although I fantasized intensely before going to sleep. I feel like generally I'm doing more to talk to girls and be more social with people, and if i feel this good I can't wait to reach my goal of 90 days hard mode. With each day that passes I realize how irrelevant pmo actually was to my life. Hell of a good week, hoping for another pmo free week.   

 

[Zakes]

[Day 12]
Its been 12 days since the last time I pmo'd and I don't feel much of a difference. The only thing I can see is that I have much more fun when I'm around girls, and my conversations are not as stale as they used to be. I haven't heard strong urges to pmo, mostly because my life has been very busy with the university debate nationals. Yesterday I was with a woman for the first time in about 6 months, I really wanted to have sex with her, and I tried to make it happen, constantly, but  she wouldn't allow me to have sex with her. I played with her boobs, felt up her ass, and even fingered her vagina, but she still wouldn't allow me to penetrate her. I spent the night laying in bed with her, with my penis rock hard because of how much I wanted her. When I woke up I tried again to make it happen but I couldn't convince her to have sex with me. Although I didn't get to have sex, I enjoyed being intimate with a woman for the first time in a long time, it felt good to hold her in my arms and feel her bare breasts against my naked chest, I enjoyed stroking her face, and the feeling of her head against my chest while stroking her hair. I've never gotten any feeling from porn except shame and guilt, and personally being with woman (even without the sex) is way way way better than porn.   

 

[Zakes]

I'm back after lord knows how long, I could've changed the thread but I felt like I had some good memories here. I've just masturbated 4 times today ending a pitiful three day streak. I cant remember when last I made it past a week or went any significant amount of time without relapsing. I realize now I cant do this alone and posting here daily will definitely help. I wanna take my power back essentially and be the man I had promised myself I would become. I fell so disgusted with myself and weak but I have to start somewhere I guess and here I am. Hopefully the future me can look at this day as the day it all changed.

 

[Zakes]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I've made this whole nofap thing bigger than what it actually is. I know I'm not going to relapse and I know I've promised to walk this journey until the end, and if that really is the case there's  no point in thinking when last I PMO'd and how I don't want to PMO. I have a life to live and honestly speaking when last I PMO'd and how much I don't want to, are small and insignificant  parts of my life.  I think my constant relapses in the past have stemmed from the fact that after I quit I allow nofap to consume all my thoughts, which then leads me to feel like I'm being deprived of something, which is actually not the case. I have so much potential and I  have so many goals I'd like to accomplish, I can't waste my own time by feeling deprived of doing something which I know is negative. My goal is no longer nofap my goal is a life I dont need to fap through.

 

[Zakes]

It's been exactly 4 days since I masturbated, and because of the upcoming exams I'm forced to spend large amounts of time in front of my computer. Through the entire year programming will force me, time and time again to sit in front of the computer for prolonged periods of time.  I have dreams and ambitions which I need to fulfill, and its all about choosing one option over another. This year I've chosen to spend most of my time on my own but it's tough to prevent slipping into old habits. I realize I'm not a very strong person and I am easily influenced by the people around me, I'm tying to change that with my daily decisions though. It's  hard to accept, but the truth is I will always be tempted, I will always meet people who indulge in the things I've promised not to be a part of, I will aways feel like I'm letting myself down in some ways, but quitting cant ever be an option.  There is absolutely no escaping or hiding from my addictions I have to accept that they are there and will always be there, the only thing I can do accept them and choose not to do it.  It is a long journey but it will  be worth it.

 

[Zakes]

It's essentially been 6 day since I last watched porn masturbated or orgasmed. That is somewhat of a major victory for me, since for the past few months I've only been able to maintain about a 3 to 4 day streak. I have been dealing with urges, but I realize the urges mainly stem from the negative coping methods I have developed throughout the course of my life. Today after writing exams, where I didin't as good as I should have I had the slight urge to masturbate but, thinking about it I realized  it wouldn't solve my problem and would only give me an additional problem which is PMO.

It's a journey this thing, and its made out of small daily decisions. When I go on Instagram I have  to make sure I don't wander near transsexual profiles like Mias Iabella, Sasha Strokes or Kim Carter. I've also started to notice that being unproductive is my biggest enemy when It comes to relapsing usually I have days where I was just scrolling around Youtube. I would  then, think about ladyboys in Thailand, search them on Youtube, then escalate to searching for local shemale escorts, and before I knew It, it would be on Chaturbate watching shemales stroking it or on Ashemaletube tube searching for the hottest shemale video to cum to.   

I still have those urges and I still have those, feelings, and even recently I went through the same cycle where I watched layboys walking around in Thailand then I went to see local shemale escorts online, but before I could ruin my streak and my self control, I reminded myself  why this is so Important to me and I'm glad I did. To be honest I still have a slight fantasy of being with a Thai Ladyboy, but I guess, maybe I'm just broken.

 

[KnewNes]

U got this Zakes, much props to u for coming back. This ride is filled with bumps and setbacks but the most important thing is to come back and know why youre doing this. A decade long battle for myself i know eventually i will see the improvement the longer i go and ill use that as fuel to keep on going. Weve got to stick to the real thing, real women and real scenarios where we can be normal men and get it like man intended it to be gotten.