lilnavadaa
Member
OK so I'm sure there are those out there struggling like a mother to kick this addiction but I've learned sooooo much from life through this trial that I will share with you.
I will write an inspirational story once I beat this but for now maybe this story will scare you away from porn.
I'll start in the middle of junior year high school.. I'll remember this date forever ...November 4 2012 ..that day after my usual PMO I finally afters years of wanting to look this up..on Google I typed can porn change people and I was amazed at what I discovered ..all these years of being socially awkward was not who I truly was. I knew it! Finally a new and very beautiful life was ahead of me. I told my dad about what I discovered and asked him to quit with me..damn big mistake after he refused to do this with me a wall came between us ..we no longer had a relationship.. porn destroyed my relationship with my father..yea you can say its my fault but I needed help with this and he just left me hanging ..and that ain't right. So I went to live with my mother joined independent studies so I would no longer suffer the social anxiety at school. This time in my life was pleasant no anxiety and had a beautiful future to look forward to. I was motivated always thinking positive and focused on making my life better and also learning about this addiction more. Somehow while I was at school I found a way to access porn. This made things harder. But continued to try. Long story short I had to move Arizona (California LA county boy) with my grandparents and I became even more excited cuz I lived out there before and now was my chance to show everyone who I really was and get this one girl that I liked and knew liked me. But I had to restart my whole recovery once I went out there cuz of relapse but who cares cuz I wasn't gonna have access to it in AZ so I would for sure beat this. So two months of no PMO and there's a PSP in my closet. I wanna go on Facebook and that its I'm off it! The addiction played me ..I ended up relapsing completely in shock. Thinking how the hell did this happen!! Oh and I forgot member that girl I told you I liked and knew she liked me and could of got with her once I healed my brain.. well for 6 months I went through the most torturing social awkwardness ever!! We rode the same bus everyday thank God only in the morning but we never talked and I knew she felt that extreme awkwardness and it made me feel like shit! I also joined the football team to see if that could help with my recovery well football was hella fun but guess what that girlthat put me through hell in the morning bus became a water girl for our team and this happened right after hate relapse of 2 months clean ..my life was crumbling down right in front of me and there was nothing I could do. So I switched schools and now I was more depressed cuz of my negative thinking "I ruined my chance at this school now time to make things worse at this school with more old friends." Well I was right I went through hell at this school to.. I had one friend and things were like before.. before we were tight and loved each other as friends but now there was not much talking things were boring and hated it. On most days I would hide in the bathroom all lunch and I said that's it I can't do this no more. At my house things were not good at all me and my grandmother argued a lot cuz I was lazy but it was no energy and no motivation mixed with anxiety to people. One night I had a breakdown cuz my grandma called the cops cuz I said I was gonna kill myself (had said this quite a few times before) I broke down cryed n had a fit like a small child begging to go back to my moms in Cali but they refused. Thecops came talked to me n that was it. At sschool I started to ditch cuz a girl in my class was introduced to me by my one friend and he said she liked me. Now another super awkward relationship came to me. So I ditch that class until I just ran way cuz my grandparents were gonna make me go back to the first school and this finally worked after they found me I went back to Cali. Also wanna say the girls were not the only ones that was really awkward with but a lot guys too. There was very few guys I would feel ..more comfortable with and I miss those guys. So now I'm back in Cali but living with my grandma in her trailer. I was back in independent studies and starting to get motivated again. Forget the past let's move on kinda attitude. A beautiful life still awaits. So I'm around 72 days clean and I'm just waiting for change to start happening. I get a call for my grandma in AZ saying my moms in the hospital very very sick. Let me first say I loved my mom probably the most out of my whole family n I'm not saying I didn't love my family I did just with my mom ..she was a huge part of the picture when I saw my bright future. I right away go to the hospital and now I'm really worried for her. Now its day 79 and I'm still hoping she comes home still motivated that I will beat my addiction and get my life together. The morning of day 80 my aunt come in with my brother and he has tears in his eyes. I had the feeling she was gone but it wasn't until she said it ..it felt like a strong wave of depression hit me hard!!! I busted in tears. This was the beginning of the biggest hole I was about to enter. 2 weeks later I'm in my room at my moms and there's cable ..this is day 94 by the way.. and porn is on I figured just take a tiny tiny peak but the very instant I saw the naked women on that screen I was hypnotized and relapsed. Afterthis iI could not get past 3-4 days without pmo for months. Porn was getting more extreme also so I hooked me even more. Do not get under the influence ..for me it was liked being possessed by a demon and RAN straight to pmo. But peer pressure was hard as hell. And 3-4 days is horrible for me I've been fighting this for almost 2 years now and 2-3 weeks is my smallest streaks. I know this site says about religious stuff keep it to yourself so all I'll essay is that this experience with porn brought me more and more into the christian faith. So I felt very shameful with pmo I felt worthless at times I felt hopeless helpless just in total despair.
Sometimes I felt like I couldn't even look at my 11 year old sister after pmo cuz I was a dirty filthy gross person for what I was doing. At times I felt like I was in a trance like state and was just zoned out. I would also feel scared that if I died ..I would not be able to go to heaven cuz of what I would keep on doing.
Before porn I was super outgoing funny and people loved me n I loved them. I literally thought I was in heaven already.. I just LOVED life up until 8th grade when I discovered pmo. I got straight A's without trying.. I was not even in high school yet and I had life by the balls.. soon life would have me by the balls.. the effect took place right away but small and progressed as time went on. I have missed so many oppertunites to get a girlfriend so many girls freshmen year it was unreal. Also I wanna say my whole life I knew absolutely nothing about sex and that porn taught me all about what sex was.. right away my self esteem happiness outgoingness funnyness were getting worse. Rap also first came into my life the same time porn did.. they help the porn industry a whole lot note than you would think.
The porn industry destroyed my whole life and changed who I really was into some pathetic insecure super shy lonely person. I'm a shadow of who I really am. I just graduated high school and I'm too shy to get a job so I signed up for community college a financial aid. My geandma promised me a car if I graduated so what I plan is to go to college while living in my car. Get rid of my smartphone and finally recover no matter what it takes no matter that its taking this long. I will never give up ..this is my main priority in life and once I beat that my new mission is to take vengeance on the porn industry in whatever way I can small or big its going to pay for what it did to me.. and my friend.. he also has this addiction but is too ignorant refusing to believe porn is harmful to you and your life. He had been trying to quit porn even though he doesn't believe is harmful but was unsuccessful so he quickly gave up and says he'll grow out of it.. which is sad ..cuz that's like saying a heroin addict will just stopp using ..no this is an ADDICTION and must be taken care of. Brothers fighting this do not relapse I know it can be hard but just think your life will become worse and worse the longer it takes to get this out of your life. This addiction has completely taken over me. There's nothing I can do to get rid of the urge and I'm weak so I relapse. I would also like to mention one time after smoking weed I got an urge that lasted for literally days and days until I finally relapsed. The only way it seems for ME to beat this is to put myself in a situation where I do not have any access. Which I will soon be in. Then I will post that story of inspiration and ..the benefits.. well I think that's it.. never give up.. ever life can get better I know I just lost sight of that after so many relapses..
Also last thing I forgot.. when you have a porn addiction ..u all know this.. the world looks different.. but remember porn has changed the world too.. not only do you see through porn glasses but the world looks like .. a porn world now. I was at the gym today and girls oh and Knott's berry farm..really everywhere.. girls are where clothes looking like pornstars.. shorts so short you can see there butt.. and this caused a powerful urge for me cuz it looked like porn.. I was thinking what the fuck!! I ant even go out with girls giving me urges cuz they wanna dress like pornstars ..I was walking down the street minding my own bussiness and some random guy goes " damn man the girls are unbelievable down here I love ..right dude" and I'm just like yeaa they look like pornstars..
Until next time.. see you soon
I will write an inspirational story once I beat this but for now maybe this story will scare you away from porn.
I'll start in the middle of junior year high school.. I'll remember this date forever ...November 4 2012 ..that day after my usual PMO I finally afters years of wanting to look this up..on Google I typed can porn change people and I was amazed at what I discovered ..all these years of being socially awkward was not who I truly was. I knew it! Finally a new and very beautiful life was ahead of me. I told my dad about what I discovered and asked him to quit with me..damn big mistake after he refused to do this with me a wall came between us ..we no longer had a relationship.. porn destroyed my relationship with my father..yea you can say its my fault but I needed help with this and he just left me hanging ..and that ain't right. So I went to live with my mother joined independent studies so I would no longer suffer the social anxiety at school. This time in my life was pleasant no anxiety and had a beautiful future to look forward to. I was motivated always thinking positive and focused on making my life better and also learning about this addiction more. Somehow while I was at school I found a way to access porn. This made things harder. But continued to try. Long story short I had to move Arizona (California LA county boy) with my grandparents and I became even more excited cuz I lived out there before and now was my chance to show everyone who I really was and get this one girl that I liked and knew liked me. But I had to restart my whole recovery once I went out there cuz of relapse but who cares cuz I wasn't gonna have access to it in AZ so I would for sure beat this. So two months of no PMO and there's a PSP in my closet. I wanna go on Facebook and that its I'm off it! The addiction played me ..I ended up relapsing completely in shock. Thinking how the hell did this happen!! Oh and I forgot member that girl I told you I liked and knew she liked me and could of got with her once I healed my brain.. well for 6 months I went through the most torturing social awkwardness ever!! We rode the same bus everyday thank God only in the morning but we never talked and I knew she felt that extreme awkwardness and it made me feel like shit! I also joined the football team to see if that could help with my recovery well football was hella fun but guess what that girlthat put me through hell in the morning bus became a water girl for our team and this happened right after hate relapse of 2 months clean ..my life was crumbling down right in front of me and there was nothing I could do. So I switched schools and now I was more depressed cuz of my negative thinking "I ruined my chance at this school now time to make things worse at this school with more old friends." Well I was right I went through hell at this school to.. I had one friend and things were like before.. before we were tight and loved each other as friends but now there was not much talking things were boring and hated it. On most days I would hide in the bathroom all lunch and I said that's it I can't do this no more. At my house things were not good at all me and my grandmother argued a lot cuz I was lazy but it was no energy and no motivation mixed with anxiety to people. One night I had a breakdown cuz my grandma called the cops cuz I said I was gonna kill myself (had said this quite a few times before) I broke down cryed n had a fit like a small child begging to go back to my moms in Cali but they refused. Thecops came talked to me n that was it. At sschool I started to ditch cuz a girl in my class was introduced to me by my one friend and he said she liked me. Now another super awkward relationship came to me. So I ditch that class until I just ran way cuz my grandparents were gonna make me go back to the first school and this finally worked after they found me I went back to Cali. Also wanna say the girls were not the only ones that was really awkward with but a lot guys too. There was very few guys I would feel ..more comfortable with and I miss those guys. So now I'm back in Cali but living with my grandma in her trailer. I was back in independent studies and starting to get motivated again. Forget the past let's move on kinda attitude. A beautiful life still awaits. So I'm around 72 days clean and I'm just waiting for change to start happening. I get a call for my grandma in AZ saying my moms in the hospital very very sick. Let me first say I loved my mom probably the most out of my whole family n I'm not saying I didn't love my family I did just with my mom ..she was a huge part of the picture when I saw my bright future. I right away go to the hospital and now I'm really worried for her. Now its day 79 and I'm still hoping she comes home still motivated that I will beat my addiction and get my life together. The morning of day 80 my aunt come in with my brother and he has tears in his eyes. I had the feeling she was gone but it wasn't until she said it ..it felt like a strong wave of depression hit me hard!!! I busted in tears. This was the beginning of the biggest hole I was about to enter. 2 weeks later I'm in my room at my moms and there's cable ..this is day 94 by the way.. and porn is on I figured just take a tiny tiny peak but the very instant I saw the naked women on that screen I was hypnotized and relapsed. Afterthis iI could not get past 3-4 days without pmo for months. Porn was getting more extreme also so I hooked me even more. Do not get under the influence ..for me it was liked being possessed by a demon and RAN straight to pmo. But peer pressure was hard as hell. And 3-4 days is horrible for me I've been fighting this for almost 2 years now and 2-3 weeks is my smallest streaks. I know this site says about religious stuff keep it to yourself so all I'll essay is that this experience with porn brought me more and more into the christian faith. So I felt very shameful with pmo I felt worthless at times I felt hopeless helpless just in total despair.
Sometimes I felt like I couldn't even look at my 11 year old sister after pmo cuz I was a dirty filthy gross person for what I was doing. At times I felt like I was in a trance like state and was just zoned out. I would also feel scared that if I died ..I would not be able to go to heaven cuz of what I would keep on doing.
Before porn I was super outgoing funny and people loved me n I loved them. I literally thought I was in heaven already.. I just LOVED life up until 8th grade when I discovered pmo. I got straight A's without trying.. I was not even in high school yet and I had life by the balls.. soon life would have me by the balls.. the effect took place right away but small and progressed as time went on. I have missed so many oppertunites to get a girlfriend so many girls freshmen year it was unreal. Also I wanna say my whole life I knew absolutely nothing about sex and that porn taught me all about what sex was.. right away my self esteem happiness outgoingness funnyness were getting worse. Rap also first came into my life the same time porn did.. they help the porn industry a whole lot note than you would think.
The porn industry destroyed my whole life and changed who I really was into some pathetic insecure super shy lonely person. I'm a shadow of who I really am. I just graduated high school and I'm too shy to get a job so I signed up for community college a financial aid. My geandma promised me a car if I graduated so what I plan is to go to college while living in my car. Get rid of my smartphone and finally recover no matter what it takes no matter that its taking this long. I will never give up ..this is my main priority in life and once I beat that my new mission is to take vengeance on the porn industry in whatever way I can small or big its going to pay for what it did to me.. and my friend.. he also has this addiction but is too ignorant refusing to believe porn is harmful to you and your life. He had been trying to quit porn even though he doesn't believe is harmful but was unsuccessful so he quickly gave up and says he'll grow out of it.. which is sad ..cuz that's like saying a heroin addict will just stopp using ..no this is an ADDICTION and must be taken care of. Brothers fighting this do not relapse I know it can be hard but just think your life will become worse and worse the longer it takes to get this out of your life. This addiction has completely taken over me. There's nothing I can do to get rid of the urge and I'm weak so I relapse. I would also like to mention one time after smoking weed I got an urge that lasted for literally days and days until I finally relapsed. The only way it seems for ME to beat this is to put myself in a situation where I do not have any access. Which I will soon be in. Then I will post that story of inspiration and ..the benefits.. well I think that's it.. never give up.. ever life can get better I know I just lost sight of that after so many relapses..
Also last thing I forgot.. when you have a porn addiction ..u all know this.. the world looks different.. but remember porn has changed the world too.. not only do you see through porn glasses but the world looks like .. a porn world now. I was at the gym today and girls oh and Knott's berry farm..really everywhere.. girls are where clothes looking like pornstars.. shorts so short you can see there butt.. and this caused a powerful urge for me cuz it looked like porn.. I was thinking what the fuck!! I ant even go out with girls giving me urges cuz they wanna dress like pornstars ..I was walking down the street minding my own bussiness and some random guy goes " damn man the girls are unbelievable down here I love ..right dude" and I'm just like yeaa they look like pornstars..
Until next time.. see you soon