How I Got Here

[cmatthews]

My addiction started out like most other people's. I was about 12 or 13 and curious about sex. A friend told me about a porn site and I was hooked. The combination of adolescent hormones and the thrill of doing something I knew was wrong captivated me.
Soon I was sneaking into off to my parents' computer room every chance I got. I developed a tactic where I would get my parents to rent a movie for the family then sneak away knowing I had time for myself.
As high school started I spurned the advances of real girls for those on my computer screen. In college, I felt left out when all my friends were chasing girls while I sat quiet. After graduation, my friends all married their college girlfriends and I remained single. They have long given up on trying to help me since they think I'm asexual.
For some reason I never equated my loneliness and lack of desire with my porn use. Like any addict, I thought porn was part of the solution instead of the root of the problem. It seemed to always get me through the hard times when I was dealing with depression and anxiety issues. I stumbled upon this site and suddenly so much of my life now makes sense.
What has inspired me to change is that I recently started dating a girl I work with. She has a strong sex drive I can't meet. I've twice tried unsuccessfully to have sex with her, failing to get an erection each time. She says it's ok, but I don't want to lose her. I'm tired of missing out on so many good things that my addiction robbed me of. I don't want to add her to the list.
I stopped using porn about two weeks ago, but haven't noticed much improvement. Yesterday was the last time I masturbated as I am committed to quitting once and for all. I'm not one who asks for help, but I could really use the support of those who have recovered and those still in process.

 

[cmatthews]

I can honestly say I have no desire to watch porn anymore. The first few days were tough because it had become part of my routine for so long. I never went more than a day or two without it.
Now I'm in the middle of psychological withdrawal. I have near constant anxiety with a tightness in my chest. There appears to be no other cause as I woke up this morning in a near panic attack. I've also found I'm more sensitive to negative events in my life. Little things that used to be easily forgotten can push me into a depression for the rest of the day. I've dealt with periodic depression since high school so it's hard to tell the true cause. These symptoms while annoying at least prove my self-diagnosis.
Physically, I haven't had a spontaneous erection since I stopped. Sensitivity is non-existent. I just want to be normal.

 

[fnatk]

Hey cmatthews! Your story is very much like many others I've read so first off, you're truly not alone! Now about this girl you've met, I think the best policy is a policy of honesty with her. Tell her about your problem, if she's worth keeping... she'll understand and help you in your recovery! And don't think about your erections! They WILL come back, obsessing over if you get morning wood, how hard it is etc is just not the way to deal with this. Its going to come back to its 100% healthy status once you've fully rebooted, that's what all the success stories confirm so believe it mister!

As for the anxiety and tightness in your chest, it sounds quite serious and I think speaking to a doctor or therapist about it is the way to go. Have you done any other changes in your life along with no PMO? Started doing any cardio or weight training? They will make you feel real good about yourself, starting a positive spiral instead of the negative one you seem to be in. It might be a small step in the right direction but sometimes that first step is all it takes! You can be "normal" again dude, as long as you view normal as a guy who doesn't watch porn

 

[cmatthews]

Since I started this journey I've taken some time to reflect on how this all started and why it is still ongoing. I now realize that I used P as an escape the same way other people might use drugs or alcohol. I've suffered from depression since early in my teens which is when my P use started. I'm not sure which caused which.
P has been the only thing that gave me at least some feeling of pleasure in my life. Everything else has been a roller coaster where every high only served to bring about a more crushing low. I've tried everything to find happiness from changing jobs to moving to new cities. Every situation started out with such high hopes, but they all ended with me hating my job and where I lived.
Last year I moved back to my hometown in hopes that coming home would bring me the contentment that has eluded me for so long. I was offered my dream job for an organization I cared about. It seemed like everything I wanted had fallen into my lap. Now, nine months later I feel trapped again. The job has turned into a burden with no feeling of satisfaction. That's important when you work in the non-profit sector. I rarely see my friends as they have all gotten married and are too busy to hang out with me.
To deal with this, I POM'd at least once a day. For that half hour or so I was lost in another world. I wasn't myself. Now I have found that P is causing more problems than it solved. Since I quit, I don't feel the urge to do it anymore. I just miss the escapism. I don't have anything that brings me any pleasure physically or emotionally. POM'ing was the only thing that made my life bearable. I don't know what to do.

 

[fnatk]

Its good to reflect on how it all started, we're fairly similar you and I. I started using porn cus' I was curious and then it turned into an escape for me as well. The depression came later when I realized I'd wasted the best years of my life by sitting in front of my computer jerking off, not getting an education and just overall being extremely lazy and procrastinating. Instead of doing something about it however, I just used more porn.

I'm sorry to hear that your move back to your hometown hasn't turned out as well as you hoped but I think there's a chance for you to save the situation. You say you rarely see your friends as they are all married and too busy to hang out with you, and sure; they can't hang out as you used to back in the day but you just have to come up with activities where their wives (and kids) can join in! Go play mini-golf, plan a picnic, have a day out in a park. Talk to your friends and their wives about what they'd like to do! I've got two friends who both have girlfriends whom they live with, one has a baby on the way and the other just had his cats have kittens so they're both a bit busy, plus they both have cats and I'm really allergic so I very rarely hang out at their places. This just means I have to be better at coming up with other things to do, and say YES when they ask me to do stuff!

Now about the job... maybe you can talk to your boss about getting something else to do? Some new responsibilities? Any chance perhaps that you can work with new volunteers/coworkers and teach them the job, teaching even in such an environment is very gratifying

As for knowing what to do about not having anything bring you pleasure physically or emotionally... you just gotta hang in there! This is your depression and addiction talking! That's not who you really are! The longer you stay PMO free, the better you will feel. So stay strong!

 

[cmatthews]

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would check in. Things have been up and down for me. The girl I was seeing at the time of my last post ended things soon after, but now she's back in the picture.
That's what brings me here. She is definitely interested in a physical relationship. Today I decided to MO just to see if I could perform for her. I was highly sensitive, but never got hard. I O'd at about 75% hardness. I was felt pretty good afterwards. Later, I felt drained like I was at the start of flatline. I was able to coax an erection, but now I get nothing.
I'm feeling the anxiety from both relapsing and a lack of confidence in my ability to please her. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep. Am I overreacting?