Trustandnewbeginnings
Member
Gaslighting: verb. To manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
My husband and I are over 100 days into our recovery from his over decade long addiction to pmo but are still having difficulties with gaslighting. I thought this was over. I thought the deception would be gone if the addiction was finally being dealt with and under control, but after the other night our entire recovery is back up on end, with me hanging on for dear life trying to figure out who this man even IS who I have been in a relationship in for thirteen years. The biggest issue I have to deal with, besides the fact that he is still gaslighting me after supposedly laying everything out in the open so there was no more to lie about, is that he claims he didn't even know he was doing it??! Which confuses me even more as I don't know what to trust. Was he being deceitful? Was he just dumb and really didn't know what he was doing? Something like gaslighting I assumed would take effort, NOT be something that just "accidentally" occurs. We had been doing pretty well in recovery but this major bomb just blew up in my face and I feel like I did on D day with my stomach in shreds and married to a complete stranger.
Maybe if I share the story one of you can help me make more sense of it all. The other evening we were leaving a restaurant and I looked over at a nearby building that I'll call Joseph's. Joseph's is a one story painted brick building with no windows, and a large sign that under the name Joseph's says "dancing and cocktails" and growing up I had always heard it referred to as one of two local strip clubs. As I looked behind the building I noticed a new shed, and my mind started racing as to why a bar/strip club would need a shed and thinking aloud I mention that it's scary thinking why a place like that would need a shed. My husband asked why, so I said I can only imagine what a place like that might use a shed for. Now, he's lived in this town much of his life and should know the reputation of he place, in fact, I am fairly certain we had joked about it years ago about Joseph's and the one other local strip club. His response didn't reference in any way that he had that prior knowledge. Instead, his response was that it is "just a bar and the one time he had stepped foot in that place I didn't see anything like that." I was flabbergasted. In his disclosure he stated several times that he had never been to a strip club, I was certain this place was so I clam up with my mind racing. He notices I am upset and asks me why, as if there was no reason to be and he was honestly confused. I told him becaus it is a strip club and he was adamant again that it wasn't. The more we discuss, the more he has me questioning my sanity. This is something I have know as fact since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, yet here I am questioning myself!
At this point I am getting upset at myself but I was so certain about this this one time that I actually looked it up. From my quick online search I couldn't determine it still had women strippers, but it did as late as 2013 and currently holds a ladies night with male exotic dancers. I tell this information to my husband and his story changes to him being told before going that it wasn't a strip club, but he seemed careful in making it sound as though he hadn't thought it was before. After we argue about it longer, it comes out that he had heard it was a strip club before, but made sure it wasn't before going there with the guys from work.
I confront him on the gaslighting even though I am completely torn to shreds at this point. His response was that it "wasn't my intention." I told him that if a man beats a woman it is still abuse whether that is his intention or not, the same goes for mental abuse. At this point he starts trying to comfort me physically, saying "baby..." Softly and trying to pull me in. I can't handle that and stood my ground, curled up on the couch. It's been two days and my stomach is still tied in knots. I don't know what to feel or think, I'm trying not to shut down completely at this point. We have an appointment with our marriage counselor in two days, which seems like eternity to wait.
We had been doing so well, our relationship really felt like it was healing and now this. I hate this tail spin. Has everything been a lie? Is it possible to gaslight someone without realizing it? Anyone else have experience with this AFTER your D day?
My husband and I are over 100 days into our recovery from his over decade long addiction to pmo but are still having difficulties with gaslighting. I thought this was over. I thought the deception would be gone if the addiction was finally being dealt with and under control, but after the other night our entire recovery is back up on end, with me hanging on for dear life trying to figure out who this man even IS who I have been in a relationship in for thirteen years. The biggest issue I have to deal with, besides the fact that he is still gaslighting me after supposedly laying everything out in the open so there was no more to lie about, is that he claims he didn't even know he was doing it??! Which confuses me even more as I don't know what to trust. Was he being deceitful? Was he just dumb and really didn't know what he was doing? Something like gaslighting I assumed would take effort, NOT be something that just "accidentally" occurs. We had been doing pretty well in recovery but this major bomb just blew up in my face and I feel like I did on D day with my stomach in shreds and married to a complete stranger.
Maybe if I share the story one of you can help me make more sense of it all. The other evening we were leaving a restaurant and I looked over at a nearby building that I'll call Joseph's. Joseph's is a one story painted brick building with no windows, and a large sign that under the name Joseph's says "dancing and cocktails" and growing up I had always heard it referred to as one of two local strip clubs. As I looked behind the building I noticed a new shed, and my mind started racing as to why a bar/strip club would need a shed and thinking aloud I mention that it's scary thinking why a place like that would need a shed. My husband asked why, so I said I can only imagine what a place like that might use a shed for. Now, he's lived in this town much of his life and should know the reputation of he place, in fact, I am fairly certain we had joked about it years ago about Joseph's and the one other local strip club. His response didn't reference in any way that he had that prior knowledge. Instead, his response was that it is "just a bar and the one time he had stepped foot in that place I didn't see anything like that." I was flabbergasted. In his disclosure he stated several times that he had never been to a strip club, I was certain this place was so I clam up with my mind racing. He notices I am upset and asks me why, as if there was no reason to be and he was honestly confused. I told him becaus it is a strip club and he was adamant again that it wasn't. The more we discuss, the more he has me questioning my sanity. This is something I have know as fact since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, yet here I am questioning myself!
At this point I am getting upset at myself but I was so certain about this this one time that I actually looked it up. From my quick online search I couldn't determine it still had women strippers, but it did as late as 2013 and currently holds a ladies night with male exotic dancers. I tell this information to my husband and his story changes to him being told before going that it wasn't a strip club, but he seemed careful in making it sound as though he hadn't thought it was before. After we argue about it longer, it comes out that he had heard it was a strip club before, but made sure it wasn't before going there with the guys from work.
I confront him on the gaslighting even though I am completely torn to shreds at this point. His response was that it "wasn't my intention." I told him that if a man beats a woman it is still abuse whether that is his intention or not, the same goes for mental abuse. At this point he starts trying to comfort me physically, saying "baby..." Softly and trying to pull me in. I can't handle that and stood my ground, curled up on the couch. It's been two days and my stomach is still tied in knots. I don't know what to feel or think, I'm trying not to shut down completely at this point. We have an appointment with our marriage counselor in two days, which seems like eternity to wait.
We had been doing so well, our relationship really felt like it was healing and now this. I hate this tail spin. Has everything been a lie? Is it possible to gaslight someone without realizing it? Anyone else have experience with this AFTER your D day?