WankFree's Jounral

[WankFree]

Hi Everyone! I am relieved to have discovered this website and the YBOP website. It is clear to me now how porn and fantasy have been affecting me for most of my adult life. I am 51 years old and gay. I have been recovering from alcoholism for 25 years and understand addiction well. With that said I have still struggled with MWP. I believe that this started out as fantasy as a way to express my homosexual feelings when I was young, I did this until I was 25 years old when I came out. As porn has become more and more readily available I have combined fantasy and porn, projecting on to the pornographic  images what they are thinking, what they want or whatever. The internet really ramped this behavior up for me and I was not aware that it was also causing me to have sexual dysfunction with real people. My sexual world became very isolated for a long time. I have struggled to address this by stopping the use of porn, but would re-play memories in my head with masturbation along with fantasy. I now understand that this is part of the problem as well, it actually makes perfect sense. I have not used porn for 5 days now, but have masturbated with replaying porn, fantasy and acting out experiences in my head. I know it is not healthy, but the urges are tough to deal with and tonight I am tempted to use porn. I decided to come here first and register and share a little bit of my story first and hopefully the urges to use porn will pass.

 

[maledictis]

  Hi WankFree i do that too. I have mental characters and fantasies for the bodies i see on the net. I never see them as people on a set being paid to have sex so i can wank to it. If i remember that it turns me of. I have to forget that and picture a perverse story in my mind to get proper arousal. The story may actualy be that that girl has been tricked into playing a part in that movie in that set etc.. but it has to be fantasy. I need to fantasy i got used to it. Also if im with a partner i function much better if i have a story running in my mind. But next day i'll wank and the story will be last day shag!!!!! Its crazy!!! I need that fantasy. If im with Lucy ill think about Suzy. And tomorrow i'll meet Suzy and think about Lucy!!!! Whats wrong with me???? Thanks

 

[WankFree]

Hi Maledictis, Thank you for replying to my post. For me, I am learning that fantasy is just as addictive and damaging as porn. The more I engage in fantasy the darker it becomes in order to deliver the same dopamine blast. It is very hard for me to stop, since I posted yesterday I slipped and MWP twice, I am not feeling as positive and hopeful about fostering a healthier sexuality after this. When I reflect on my slips I am starting to see that is was the craving in my head more the physical need for release. I have been able to make this distinction after joining this site and reading YBOP. I am single and very lonely and I desperately want to change that. That is progress in and of itself. You mentioned about getting so caught up in the fantasy and objectification that you forgot that those are people getting paid to perform sexual acts on film. I agree that when you see it for what it is, it loses all it's glamour.

 

[Needs Coffee]

Hang in there, WankFree!

I'm still pretty new to the reboot myself, so I don't have much experience. I'll just repeat the advice you've already heard: Read up on the subject. Plan your course, your goals, visualize where you want to be. Change your habits, trying to incorporate more physical activity and other things to do when the urge starts up.

Wishing you the best!

 

[WankFree]

Doing good, no PMO for 24 hours. It is in the late evening around bedtime (now) that I usually get triggered to PMO. My brain has been conditioned to this for some time. Instead of caving into the trigger I chose to update my journal and share what I am feeling. In many ways I am numb from all PMO over the years and years, It's going to take a little time and some work to change that. I have starting to cultivate my spiritual path again and feel hopeful. I feel uncertain that I will succeed to abstain from PMO for the next 29 days, it's kind of scary, because PMO has been such a crutch for me. I know I can do it and sharing my daily journey helps.

 

[WankFree]

Needs Coffee: Thank you!