WAS PERSEUS GAY?

[imnipper]

I am so scared.

It wasn't a conscious deal but I grew up fearing AIDS.  I came out in the mid-80's and never knew anal sex to be safe.  I feared it and hated the use of condoms.

I began to transfer my drive for anything anal to porn in order to avoid unsafe sex.  For close to 30 years, the vast majority of sex that I have had has been anal-free.

I remember processing it in my 20's and reconciling my satisfaction through porn and a very sexually active life (bookstores, bath houses, sex clubs, etc).  I used to pride myself on the fact that I never had a problem getting an erection or controlling my orgasm.

I don't really remember when PIED started but, now that I think about it, it was right around the time streaming porn became available.

So it was about a month ago that I saw Gabe on Chelsea and found this site.  I have been educating myself and engaging with members and I know what I have to do.

Today is the day.

For anyone that might have come here to answer the question:  "was Perseus gay?",  I don't know but he was a dragon slayer and if you have ever seen the movie "Clash of the Titans" with Harry Hamlin, you should know why I ask.

 

[bob]

imnipper,

Haven't seen the film. Might now that you mentioned it. My wife and I are always wondering what movie to watch.

I am so glad you are here. In simple terms, "PIED SUCKS." However, with diligence and a commitment to eliminate porn, it can be corrected. More power to you on this quest.

Peace

 

[Gabriel1960]

Welcome IM.  We're glad you're here.

BTW, Perseus fathered nine children with Andromeda, including seven sons.  So, no, I don't believe Perseus was gay.  Possibly bisexual though. 

 

[imnipper]

So I guess this is "flatlining"....I'm still sexualizing everything....seems more so now that I am so focused on my reboot but I'm arresting the trigger immediately.

I saw a shirtless guy a half a block away this morning on a skateboard and it could have been this trainer at my gym who is dripping hot....in my mind, I was convinced it was and I was considering the time so that I could see him shirtless again tomorrow (he is always in a shirt at the gym and I get positively moist looking at and thinking about him).

I couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.  No boner, just a brain that is desperate.

I'm watching a taped game show from the 1950's ("To Tell The Truth") and the contestants are Eagle Scouts who did some experiment in the arctic.  I'm all over the thought of these guys (well, really only one since two were imposters) in the arctic and (again) I have to laugh.

The triggers are EVERYWHERE.  For the last 20+ years, every time a pizza is delivered.  Every time I visit a doctors office for a procedure. 

The new therapy group that I attended last night....who can I seduce?  It will never happen but it is ALWAYS at the fore.  What if???  How hot....

 

[imnipper]

Well, that was just great!

In the middle of my day another e-blast from some P site offering me a free month or something came up and I took a deep breath knowing what was going to come up on my screen and clicked with the purpose to scroll to the bottom and unsubscribe as fast as possible and to not even look.

It was an exhale of relief when the pics were blocked due to the K9 blocker I installed.  I recommend it to everyone who reads this who is rebooting

 

[IMNOBODY]

Your a strong man imnipper, stronger then me. You got this shit. I know you do.

 

[Anothertry]

imnipper - just wanted to say welcome, and great what you did with that Porn site!  Not easy to say 'no I'm not going there'.  But you remind me however intense the trigger, it's possible.  If we want this enough, any of us can do it!

 

[imnipper]

Your a strong man imnipper, stronger then me. You got this shit. I know you do.

Don't underestimate yourself, IMNOBODY.....my strength comes from my support (including you).  Let me return it.....you've got it!  Use it.  Let us help.

 

[imnipper]

Lost it last night....in the middle of the night I checked my phone and there was mail from a tube site.  I clicked on it to make sure the block I put on that site was working (at least that is what I told myself) and to unsubscribe.  The next thing I knew I was wrestling with a video (one more second....I'm not going to O....one more second....it doesn't count if I don't O.....one more second....it is too late?....does this count if I don't O?.....one more second). 

So this morning I added K9 blocker to my phone.  I had to disable Safari so I can't surf the web on my phone but, for now, that should help stop the trigger.

 

[BlueSun]

So many times I've done that. Trying not to O so I don't have to reset.

Ybop site somewhere recommends if you can't stop it to not try to hold off the O because that's edging. Get it over with as quickly as possible to minimize the drain.  It isn't the O that causes the damage it's the prolonged exposure.

 

[imnipper]

Thanks, Blue.  This is difficult and it is always changing.  I am trying to remove any triggers but they seem to show up everywhere.  I hope there will be a breakthrough moment when I will reach a threshold and it will get easier and manageable.  The streaming porn is my problem and I want to break the addiction...I just wish there was a way to pleasure myself while I am breaking it because not touching myself coupled with the absence of porn is more difficult than if I could reboot without pixels and still be able to touch myself.

Does that make sense? 

 

[IMNOBODY]

I'm still here imnipper. We all slip up. We both keep coming back to this site for a reason. We want it to stop.

 

[BlueSun]

Dude, it makes so much sense.
I blew it again.
Late night surfing kills me.
Checking in with my accountability partner today.

 

[bob]

try to hold off the O because that's edging. Get it over with as quickly as possible to minimize the drain.  It isn't the O that causes the damage it's the prolonged exposure.

Good point BlueSun,

We struggle, we resist, and we slip. Can we learn from this slip. I hope we all can.

 

[imnipper]

So fucking horny right now.....not hard but trying to think of alternatives to getting off without jerking or viewing porn.

I've been doing different searches for p hoping that I will find a back door that the K9 blocker will miss and am even trying to get into the front door thinking that the blocker might be asleep for a second and I can sneak in and then use the excuse that the blocker failing led to my failure.

I know I can disable the blocker any time but it is holding me accountable and it is working.....that fucking bitch blocker isn't missing anything!

I am thinking about hiring a rent boy.  It's not porn and it is not masturbation.  I can't or won't do that regularly but wonder if it might help me get through this reboot.  I have not limited myself from having real intimate contact with someone organically but that isn't happening right now. 

I don't think sex without intimacy is the enemy but wonder if sex without intimacy will complicate my reboot from streaming porn?

 

[bob]

I don't think sex without intimacy is the enemy but wonder if sex without intimacy will complicate my reboot from streaming porn?

imnipper,

I don't think it will help. If fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say it will complicate your reboot..

Just my opinion.

Peace

 

[imnipper]

I don't think sex without intimacy is the enemy but wonder if sex without intimacy will complicate my reboot from streaming porn?

I don't think it will help. If fact, I am going to go out on a limb and say it will complicate your reboot..

Thanks, Bob.  You may be right and I may change my mind before my trip on July 31 but there is a strip club in the city that I am visiting that I have never been to and I don't think I need to deny myself a visit in order to successfully reboot.

I ended up M (no P) and didn't use toys earlier and have decided to reset that counter for 14 days instead of 21.  I'm hoping that if I can make it that far it is worth exploring what happens when I am around real men that are naked without fear of PIED. 

I've been reading some of NOBODY's responses and someone commented about reconciling failing and improvement.  I've only been doing this for a couple of months after decades of PMO.  Two steps forward, one step back. 

I am aware (and fearful) that I will stall or fail and I hate the emotional toll it is taking.

 

[Anothertry]

Yeah, I would concur with Bob about the rent boy strip club.  Basically, I think this is the addict mind - and the best way out is to face it directly and push through.  Let me explain what I mean.

An alcholic who has recently given up will often find themselves thinking like this.  'Well, the whiskey was bad.  I should definitely stay off the whiskey.  But well beer; beers different.  I tend to drink that socially. And if I stick to low alchol....'  Well you can probably guess how this story ends.  There's even a name for it: bargaining.  The mind goes, 'ok, ok, I'll admit I can't have that.  But this, at least this, please, just this.  That must be ok, right'. 

That's what I suspect you're doing with the rent boy idea.  'OK, porn, no porn, that's definitely a problem, but rent boys, well...'  I'd also bear in mind that paid for sex can be as addictive as porn.  And I know a couple of guys who bankrupted themselves through it, one through lapdancers and one through escorts.  Worth bearing in mind if you already have an addictive pattern around PMO in your sex life...

Obviously it's your life; but those are my thoughts. Might be worth bearing with those cravings a while longer....

 

[imnipper]

Thanks, Anothertry.  Your post really got through.  With the support I am getting from this site (including your reply), my therapist gave me some tools and helped me reimagine this reboot.  I'm doing well today. 

 

[BlueSun]

Hey buddy.  I've restarted quite a few times.

Each exciting adventure through relapsia was usually me either exploring the edges of my addiction or ignoring the actual reboot part of rebooting. 

The advice that is most common (and most commonly ignored) is to give the brain a break from all sexual activity for a few months. It's in YBOP several times. Lots aim for a hard 90, but mostly abstain from porn for good, and basically go celibate for a bit in a G rated life. 

High price? The ones who stick with it are generally back on track and writing success stories.  If course YMMV.  I've dug myself in so deep, it's basically my only choice.  I'm not going to reset at M but I'm going to stave it off as long as I can. Keep checking in so we can see what works for you!  The more you tell about your journey, the more we learn about our own.