RuntoSpirit
Active Member
I realize I never laid out my history in this journal, so I will try to do it here. I am a bit removed from some of it so I wonder if I will dig more stuff as I go on in my recovery.
I think I was a heavy masturbation habit from junior high school. for sure every day. IN college more times per day. In adult years I tapered off as I found my adult relationshps satisfying. But in later years I turned to internet porn as a way to run from emotional pain. I didn't do this every day, but on days that I did do it I had long sessions of edging. I didn't know the term then, but I knew that it kept me from feeling pain of other things. As a Christian beliver I could never justify this an I felt guilty, however I had no resources to stop. It seemed like what I did find simply said "Stop" and I didn't feel that I could do that. My wife is in the armed forces and when she went overseas I realized I had to do something about this because I would have the oppoortunity to sit in an empty home and PMO all I chose to do.
I put on a porn filter/signed up for an on-line Christian course on porn, and found it fairly easy to give up porn. What was infinitely harder was that I could not give up the idea of having porn as an option when my feelings overwhelmed me. I had a position of strength adn I felt that the Lord wanted me to take the filter OFF my computer. For a year this was fine, but fineally I started looking at porn here and there. It was like I treated porn as my friend in times of trouble. I kept it in my possibilities of choice for times when I told myself "I needed it." I could go for a month or so and then use porn. I really didn't think about it. It was simply something that I felt I would always do. I incorrectly told myself that if I didn't mastrubate to it then that was OK. How wrong was that? that was simply edging and building up the dopamine connections. Throughout all of this there has been much guilt and much promising God that I would stop, but feeling like I never could. I remember the moment about a month ago I found this website. I realized that I had a trigger of typing in a search for porn when I was frustated in my work at the computer. I decided to type in "rebootnation" and read something about overcoming porn addiction instead. Shortly after that I decided that I needed to finally commit to a going after this freedom. I was encouraged by the testimonies of people who were rewired after varying time periods of abstinence from PMO. I had new hope that complete freedom from this habit was a possibility.
To date not watching porn has not been a problem at all. I have to watch myself in fantasy in the mornings, but for the most part I ahve a renewed interest in my wife. I love to hold her and kiss her. Our sex life has been on the decline as a result of some of her health problmes and as I have come to admit as a result of my brain having been on porn for so long. I have often lamented things that she has done that contributed to a loss of intimacy in our life, but I realize now it was so much more important for me to own my part of it and to do the steps to re-engage. Reboot Nation has been the inspritation for this. Normally I am not a particpant in forums, but I have been helped so much by reading the posts and responding to them. I am really encouraged to think that my brain will rewire. I am wondering if there are more withdraw symptoms as that occurs. (or do they appear before it occurs) I think porn has helped in general make me insecure and passive. Lord knows a reboot will be wonderful. I have had some grace in this endeavor. it is generally easy for me to see that Jesus is sharing His victory with me as I press on.
Hope this is helpful.
I think I was a heavy masturbation habit from junior high school. for sure every day. IN college more times per day. In adult years I tapered off as I found my adult relationshps satisfying. But in later years I turned to internet porn as a way to run from emotional pain. I didn't do this every day, but on days that I did do it I had long sessions of edging. I didn't know the term then, but I knew that it kept me from feeling pain of other things. As a Christian beliver I could never justify this an I felt guilty, however I had no resources to stop. It seemed like what I did find simply said "Stop" and I didn't feel that I could do that. My wife is in the armed forces and when she went overseas I realized I had to do something about this because I would have the oppoortunity to sit in an empty home and PMO all I chose to do.
I put on a porn filter/signed up for an on-line Christian course on porn, and found it fairly easy to give up porn. What was infinitely harder was that I could not give up the idea of having porn as an option when my feelings overwhelmed me. I had a position of strength adn I felt that the Lord wanted me to take the filter OFF my computer. For a year this was fine, but fineally I started looking at porn here and there. It was like I treated porn as my friend in times of trouble. I kept it in my possibilities of choice for times when I told myself "I needed it." I could go for a month or so and then use porn. I really didn't think about it. It was simply something that I felt I would always do. I incorrectly told myself that if I didn't mastrubate to it then that was OK. How wrong was that? that was simply edging and building up the dopamine connections. Throughout all of this there has been much guilt and much promising God that I would stop, but feeling like I never could. I remember the moment about a month ago I found this website. I realized that I had a trigger of typing in a search for porn when I was frustated in my work at the computer. I decided to type in "rebootnation" and read something about overcoming porn addiction instead. Shortly after that I decided that I needed to finally commit to a going after this freedom. I was encouraged by the testimonies of people who were rewired after varying time periods of abstinence from PMO. I had new hope that complete freedom from this habit was a possibility.
To date not watching porn has not been a problem at all. I have to watch myself in fantasy in the mornings, but for the most part I ahve a renewed interest in my wife. I love to hold her and kiss her. Our sex life has been on the decline as a result of some of her health problmes and as I have come to admit as a result of my brain having been on porn for so long. I have often lamented things that she has done that contributed to a loss of intimacy in our life, but I realize now it was so much more important for me to own my part of it and to do the steps to re-engage. Reboot Nation has been the inspritation for this. Normally I am not a particpant in forums, but I have been helped so much by reading the posts and responding to them. I am really encouraged to think that my brain will rewire. I am wondering if there are more withdraw symptoms as that occurs. (or do they appear before it occurs) I think porn has helped in general make me insecure and passive. Lord knows a reboot will be wonderful. I have had some grace in this endeavor. it is generally easy for me to see that Jesus is sharing His victory with me as I press on.
Hope this is helpful.
