The Diary of a Married well functioning (even sex) Porn quitter

[Married with children]

Time to tell my story. It do seem to be slightly different and might be worth reading. My porn history probably goes back 30 years, from finding my fathers German porn mags.

I am married with kids and has a well functioning sex life with my wife. I always want more sex than her... And that has been my excuse. She even approves it to a certain extent. 'Go watch a movie and let me sleep '  As internet porn improved I increased my use and watched porn almost every day...after everyone had gone to sleep. Certainly I have escalated but not to anything extreme. Girls-lesbian-Asian-light bondage. Everything that looks painfull I shy away from and I cannot understand people's fascination in anal sex.

Sex has not been as good as it can be and performance anxiety leads to short sessions, I'm afraid to loose my erection.

3 weeks ago I watched "The Great Porn Experiment" and it all came together. I stopped my porn use and have not watched porn since. 4 weeks...so maybe not so impressive.

I have not seen any positive signs yet, just frustration. But are confident this is crucial to save my sex life. Most important I want to restore my sex life with my wife to its former glory. I think this is fully possible if I can get my brain off porn!

 

[sonofJack]

Hi MwC. Some parts of your story parallel my own; others will certainly resonate with others on here.

I've not attempted intercourse outside of my marriage, though to be fully transparent, there have been a few close calls. For me, there was no physical restraint from continuing on, rather I knew in my heart that I could not cheat on my wife (regardless of what physical and emotional barriers kept her from having sex). As in your case, my wife has tended to offer up M as a solution to my "needs," and at first I found that rather thrilling. After a time though, that feeling waned.

My ED happened quite suddenly several years ago during normal intimacy with my wife. Our sex life was put on pause right then and there, with neither of us really able to address, or correct it. What I can tell you though, is that since beginning the process of rebooting just over one year ago, I've seen the return of a lot of function. Perhaps if I'd stayed on course, rather than slipping off the wagon a few times this past 12 months, it'd be working like it did before things went south.

The more time I spend away from pornography, the more visits I get from mr Happy. The science works in that respect. The part where I reconnect physically with my wonderful wife; that is still a work in progress.

 

[Married with children]

I did have problems with having sex with my wife just 6 months into our relation. This was to my knowledge not porn related, but a result of moving together. That time I would put it on PE. It lasted almost a year (on an off) was a total nightmare. Probably why I think I can keep off porn forever. I'm not going back to that situation.

 

[Married with children]

I have passed another hurdle. Wife and kids where gone for 5 full days. That does not happend often and when it does I usually have a porn marathon jerking off 2-3 times a day.

This time...no porn. Horrible, hard to sleep, but I made it. Jerked off 2 times, but without any images on screen or in my head.

And...my wife was dead tired when she got back, but I managed to charm her into a little sex. Nothing spectacular, but a bit different. I was much more confident in my erection (maybe some sensitivity is coming back) and even if in was short I had a real orgasm (not just ejaculation) something that usually require a long session.

I did not expect this effect so early, maybe its not real, but certainly motivating.

 

[Married with children]

Just a little update. Still going strong. No porn for a month!

But there is a challenge looming. I have been open with my wife on the process. She is actually not so happy with my increased sex drive. We now go to sleep together every night. She usually wants to sleep....while I want to have sex.

If we do not solve this I fear that I will end back in front of my PC when she goes to bed, and we all know what that will lead to.

Any similar experiences, recommendations?

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Hi MWC,

You are in a bit of a tough situation, one that frankly lead many of us to PMO in the first place, what to do if she has a lower sex drive than you.  First I would ask myself (and later her) if there are any physical or emotional problems in the way.  Possible sleep disorder?  Depression?  Thyroid issues?  Menopause?  Because it could be argued that wanting to sleep rather than be with your SO is not quite normal.  It is much tougher, but you also have to ask whether she is happy with you and the relationship.  That could be tough, but it could be a reason.

If you eliminate all that, I would then try doing things at bed time that she might enjoy even if they are only "semi-sexual."  Give her a foot rub, a massage, cuddle naked (or as close as you can get her) and so on and see if more skin to skin contact reawakens her desire.

Good luck!

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[Married with children]

Thx! Good advice. I do think we're ok, but it might be the right time for a little talk with her. Lying close is great and I do it often...it had a tendency to turn me on much faster than her though

 

[Bibbity]

I would also recommend chatting with her about how your relationship could be better sexually.  For example my husband waits until way too late at night to ask for sex.  I can do it at 8pm but not 11pm.  He also needed to step up his game romantically and we talked a lot about sexual desires and needs.  Most women take a much longer time to warm up and guys usually go for the goods (at least this is what my husband does!).  I don't mind quickies of course but sometimes a slow build up with a bit more romance is great too.  I also sometimes feel pressure to orgasm etc etc.  this all needs to be duscussed and open communication is key to a healthy satisfying sex life.

I would also add that you are responsible for your libido not her. I felt a lot of pressure during our reboot to "perform" or else my husband would turn back to porn.  It was not an emotionally good place for me and I love sex!  You have to be determined that no matter what porn is not an option.  You are a man and you can handle your libido.  Come up with a number that you are both happy with!

 

[rebootme!]

We now go to sleep together every night. She usually wants to sleep....while I want to have sex.

If we do not solve this I fear that I will end back in front of my PC when she goes to bed, and we all know what that will lead to.

Any similar experiences, recommendations?

Yes, My wife usually wants to sleep. Here's the problem I think.  Kids don't go to bed until 10pm, we usually stay up watching TV or a movie until 11:30- midnight. She's completely worn out and I'm tired too, but still horny. She's not interested. She says we should go to bed earlier if I want some quiet action, but even when we do, it doesn't always happen. She'll just want to snuggle, but eventually she just falls asleep.

Yeah, pretty frustrating. It's no wonder I seek out porn. Unlike you though, I have not confessed to my wife of my internet porn addiction. She's not very sexual and I'm afraid she wouldn't understand at all. I'm hoping that ridding myself of the porn addiction will bring back more realistic expectations of sex when married with children and 40+ years old....

 

[Gracie]

What Bibbity says is true.  Let's look at this in a different way.  When you access porn, it is available 24 hours a day.  You can choose which body you want to "have sex" with.  They are all ready, they are made up just for you and your pleasure.  You can choose what kind of sex.  You can pick how many people are there.  You can choose men, women, same sex.  You can choose the "story" being played out.  And you do.  Then by looking all the time, you are in a state of hyperarousal.  Sex is what you need to make everything okay. And your wife is not helping you.  Porn distorts your view of healthy sexual intimacy.

Take your wife and show her she is special.  Help her rediscover herself as she was before kids.  Rediscover yourself before you had kids.  Hold her, spoon with her in bed.  Hold her hand.  Let her know that you have her back.  Let her know you think she is beautiful, even after a whole day of mommy stuff.  Let her know she is the one.  Wean yourself away from porn and these things are possible.  When we women here write about sex our husbands had with us during porn and the sex after quitting, the after quitting has us all desiring more sex with our husbands.  This is because they are connecting with us.  They are not comparing us to tv or pixels.  They are with us.  They are there for us.  Even if you do not tell her, she knows that things aren't right.

 

[Married with children]

Good to have women 'on the line'! From reading other posts and the comments it seems to be very different how men understands porn. For me this has always been a fantasy world fully disconnected from real sex. I have never expected or wanted my wife to be like they behave in the movies. I always preferred real intimacy and touch to spectacular porn scenes. I feel the problem for me has been that changes takes place in your brain at a lover level... And causes lack of sensitivity and eventually ED (not yet) because of saturation. So regardless of my 'understanding' damage is done.

I also think women is different. There is a lot of good advice here that would fit 90% of women out there... But not all. I'm my case holding hads, lying close together kissing and touching are much more important to me that to her, at least this is what she says to me. After sex she is the one that wants to sleep imidiatly...

So who knows, maybe I'm just a horrible lover. Then again she always is even more ready than I when we first get stared.... While it takes delightfully long time my hands and tongue seems to get her to an O almost every time. I tend to be rather quick though, and here there might be a relation to lack of confidence due to porn damaged sensitivity.

This is certainly worth fighting for. I apriciate views and feedback....and will keep you posted

 

[Gracie]

I am glad you read our input.  There is one thing I would like to say.  Until my husband gave up porn, I never liked holding his hand, I did not like him caressing me, I did not cuddle, I rolled away once sex was done.  We were two people in love sharing space.  Still somewhat independent. 

Once we began the process of ridding him of porn and talking.  And reading.  "Love you Hate the Porn" a book by Mark Chamberlain.  We did some of the suggested sharing.  We realized how much we loved and cared for one another.  And we shared feelings, thoughts, dreams.  We reconnected.  I am now shocked that we literally sleep touching all night long.  I need that touch.  I know that he is not distracted, or just trying to get sex.  We really care about one another.  All of that about reconnecting on a different level is true.  If you consistantly feel she is not into you it takes a toll.

 

[Married with children]

I do not think she ever saw porn as a problem.. I was to a very little extent open about it. She is also very confident about how attractive she is, both to me and others. But I do hear what you are saying. Hopefully I can get to the bottom of this. As my own enjoyment of natural sex is so much increased, that might be enough to stay of the porn...as you se the counter is ticking.

 

[Bibbity]

She might naturally not be interested in sex, caressing etc but I have yet to meet a woman like this who didn't have some sort of problem with her man.  She may not even know whats bothering her until you talk to her.  Like I said no one here knows so communication is key!

 

[Married with children]

After 20 years I guess there is loads of problems. If it turns out she hates my guts, geting ridd of porn is even more important. That's not luggage you want to carry around.

 

[Tclay]

Thanks Ladies... Always good to see the other side 's perspective.  Having given up porn for over 120 days this year and investing in "us time" I can attest that things are moving in the right direction.  It seems trust is the main point for us.  Can she trust me to be engaged on a consistent basis.

 

[Married with children]

Hi All

Another week by myself. This used to be a porn marathon. I almost regret not waiting with my reboot

Then again it's a bit like jogging in horrible weather. You feel that if you are able to do it now, it will be easy in sunny days. Certainly this is not easy, but it could be worse. I do not really know what the endgame should be for me. 120 days is a good start and I will have a romantic week with my wife about that time. It will be fun to see if I have changed sexually.

Thx for replies, I do love this community of people helping each other!

 

[Needs Coffee]

First, I'll admit that I've never been married and am no expert on the subject, particularly since there are so many unhappily married people in my life.

But I'm good at conversation and have learned a lot just by talking to people. And one of the relationship "fixes" I've heard the most is when the husband helps out around the house more. Granted, when many of these guys then tried to help more, they were scolded because they didn't do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc 'just so'. For the ones that then took the time to talk things over and make changes to benefit both, the marriages improved in many ways.

I have no idea if this is in any way helpful, Mwc, but it might be a subject you could bring up with your wife.

 

[Bibbity]

This site is great too.  Find out your partners Love Language.  Then you both get your needs met outside the bedroom as well!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

 

[Married with children]

Good advice for most people However I tend to do at least 50% of the house work already. The exact figure is an everlasting debate  Stopping that quarrel is our challenge.