Reaction score

Profile posts Latest activity Postings About

  • Day ten of my media fast is in the books. I have tremendous energy. It is 445AM and I am at my desk working. I have masturbated a few times in the last week, but no porn. Just to explain, my media fast looks like this. No television. No social media. Since I live alone, I do watch Youtube while I eat. Plus I listen to audiobooks, news and some mysteries on YouTube while I am busy around the house.
    Sorry I've been away. I decided to do a full media fast. I am 9 days in and feeling amazing. Days 4 and 5 were a little sketchy, but I held my ground. Now it is 2AM, can't sleep and tempted by my favorite social media site. I know there is dopamine there. I know also I will have to lie to the 5 people I have committed to, if I go there. So I am here to say I will not. I will go back to sleep for a couple of hours.
    I've noticed that as I have gotten older, I don't have the resilience I did as a young man. If I eat the wrong food for breakfast, it kicks my ass the rest of the day. If I PMO, it kicks my ass the rest of the day. Carrying an extra 30 pounds was not a problem. But now it is an anchor around my neck. Even if I wanted to, I physically cannot PMO anymore. I can have sex with my fiance, but must practice karezza.
    There is a part of me that wants the stimulation of social media, which will lead within an hour to PMO. I have to remind myself this is purely the addiction talking. It is saying: There's nothing to see here. Pay no attention to me. Edging to social media will feel so good. Then comes the release when I graduate to my favorite pornstar - I mean young woman - letting herself be abused to shock me.
    The last couple of days have been hard. A lot of stress. My secret to success is no edging. It is not more complicated. Keep my dick under wraps. And Yippee!!! the addiction is gone. That's it. Don't take the first drink.
    Porn free 8 days. It feels like a breaker has been tripped. I feel sexual urges, but not for porn. I think I finally got the message that it is all an addiction and an illusion. Like most, over time, my porn use took me farther and farther into the shocking and extreme. But that is not me. I'm better than that. I absolutely love sexy and beautiful women, and am a loving and caring man. I am not that monster.
    Congrats! Nice words! :)
    During this morning's meditation I remembered the secret to my business success. It is proactively being part of something bigger than myself. I had a reputation. I had clients. I could walk with my head held high. But on reflection, so much was wasted because I was never really there. PMO was always on my mind and probably ate 40% of my productive time. I will not make that stupid mistake again.
    Finanacial stress made me anxious the last 12 hours, but I transmuted that energy this morning into work on a new business opportunity. When I started my business career, I told myself that if I failed in business, I would become a writer. Well, I had a modicum of success in business, and now have the opportunity to become the writer I have always dreamed of. I'm at 6 days and absolutely determined.
    I got a good idea. I found out I can turn my phone to grayscale instead of color. Less triggering for everything. Also my primary reason for using porn lately has been my love for my girlfriend who happens to be in Australia. I rationalized that PMO was an expression of love for my girlfriend in her absence. But that is bogus. Semen retention is much better for inspiring me to change my situation and be with her.
    This afternoon I took the one look. Unexpectedly I received a message from a former girlfriend with pics. Then some artwork popped up on my browser. Then step by step I searched for my favorite category. I took the first drink.
    I hate that porn addiction is so beguiling. I want to PMO to show my love for my girl. I want to express love and feel loved. That is a perfectly natural way to feel. But porn is poison. It is just like taking the first drink as an alcoholic. One drink, and I am off to the races. One look at porn, and I am off to the races. I am here this time because of the debilitating effects of fog and malaise.
    I guess I am good. I have a girlfriend who is 8,000 miles away. I miss her. I want to feel physically loved, but now it is not possible. I work and work out daily. That is good. But the only way I achieve my goals is to earn more. I started a 5 year journey to become a writer in the summer of 2023. Now 6 months in, I am in the middle of my 3rd book and somewhat frustrated at my progress. But today I am clean.
    I have been daytime sober for 5 days. I say daytime sober because last night I woke up and masturbated. This morning I am feeling the urge, but also committed to change. Maybe journaling is what I need to keep sobriety at the front of my mind. I know from other addictions that the urge will eventually pass. I have been sober from alcohol for 39 years. I look forward to when I only see porn is in the rear view mirror.
  • Loading…
  • Loading…
  • Loading…