J316 journal

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willtochange

Active Member
In my opinion your mom needs to focus on loving you as a mother and not police you. She needs to feel comfortable that you do have good accountability here and you are making effort. She should only try and see you as her son and not an addict. Its one of the things mentioned in a book i'm reading about men letting their wifes be there accountability partners, its a no no because instead of loving you and treating you as their significant other they will constantly be hounding you. They need to feel comfortable that there is someone keeping you accountable. Hang in there .
 
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J316

Active Member
Thanks, willtochange.

Today was a good day. It was one of my longest days in the city, and I had a 2 hour break between classes at one point. I had a mild temptation to go to a strip club, but it wasn't anything I couldn't easily handle. I reached out to someone from this board via text. Not that I needed to be talked down, but I know that if I don't reach out when I can handle it, then I'll never reach out when I can't. Now I'm preparing for an anatomy quiz and it's a little stressful but I feel like I'm ready for it.
 
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willtochange

Active Member
Great job on reaching out in your times of temptation. Hopefully he wasn't to hard on you, i see reaching out better than a relapse. Keep it up bro.
 
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J316

Active Member
So I got a 100% on my anatomy quiz, that was a relief. Have an exam in two weeks so I should probably start studying for that, but I really don't feel like doing anything this weekend. Work is getting a little frustrating, so I have to stay aware of that, but things are going really well right now.
 
J

J316

Active Member
I have a confession to make. I have not been doing well, and I've been pretending like I have. I just reset my counter, but I should've reset it weeks ago. I got another un-monitored smart phone that I was using to go online and act out with on a near daily basis. I feel really low right now. What's the point in being on this forum if I'm going to lie when I'm here? I just feel kind of resigned, like I'm not going to ever get past this. And i won't, unless I change how I approach things and make some basic changes. The thing is, I've known this for years, so why hasn't it happened yet?
 
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bobitkitkit

Member
That sucks man. I really hope you would've talked to someone because I've been reading your posts it was nice to see you do well. But at the end of the day, as long as you know you've made a mistake and you want to improve and find a solution it's okay. We've all made mistakes we regret and we eventually grow from it. Don't beat yourself up. It's not the end of the world and I know you'll manage to get rid of this addiction. :D
 
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willtochange

Active Member
One of my biggest things for me is i don't like lying to others because in the end you are only lying to yourself. We can't move on if we lie to ourselves. Get back up and keep pushing, reach out if you need help.
 
J

J316

Active Member
Day 2

So I'm sitting at school right now I have a very long break between classes. I'm really REALLY tempted to go to a private study room I know of that has an unmonitored computer and use it to act out. I already called someone earlier before I started studying, but the urge to do that or to at least go into the bathroom and masturbate keeps getting stronger and stronger. I think it's due to the stress from studying, but I'm determined not to slip up this time. Besides, my parents can tell if I access that room (there's an online log of who signs out the key) so I'd just get caught anyway. I don't know if that's the best way to think of it, but it's working for now.
 
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J316

Active Member
Well, fuck. Literally immediately after posting that I ran a search for erotic short stories on my computer. I didn't get anywhere (my filters blocked the search) and I immediately stopped, so that's a plus, but, shit. I think I need to get off the computer for a bit.
 
J

J316

Active Member
After that little mishap the rest of the day went smoothly. I stayed focused, got a lot of studying done. Now I'm pretty tired so I don't expect going to sleep to be much of a problem. I have my test tomorrow, which I know is going to be stressful, so I'm going to have to be on my guard.
 
J

J316

Active Member
Had my test today, which was stressful. I don't think I did very well, but luckily I didn't let that derail my day. I didn't experience too much temptation today, which I'm grateful for. My mom is suspicious, but she always is. However, I've also noticed that even if everything is going smoothly, when my Mom gets suspicious it isn't long before I relapse. I think she's better at noticing the danger zones than I am, so i'll have to stay on alert. After school I had work, which was frustrating because I didn't make that much tips. I only made $33 on the night, and during the summer time I had been used to pulling $80-$100 per night, so 33 is pretty low. Part of me really didn't feel like doing this journal, I just wanted to come home and collapse into bed, but I'm glad that I did it.
 
J

J316

Active Member
Today went well, mostly I was just at work all day. I didn't really have any temptations at work, but I still checked in with a support contact anyway. My mom seems frustrated today and I'm not really sure why. Just now she said "you need to do some recovery work today, I'm tired of having this conversation" and when I told her that I already had done recovery work today she made a face like she was annoyed. It just seems like i can't win with her, but i can't let it bother me too much. I just have to keep on doing my recover and focusing on me. After a while, if I stay on the straight and narrow, she'll have to run out of things to possibly complain about, right?
 
J

J316

Active Member
Day 5

Had a decent day today. Went to work, and i did have some temptations there. There's this girl there that I like who just recently broke up with a long term boyfriend. Part of me wants to ask her out, but I'm not going to for a few reasons. 1) consideration for her. She just broke up with him. And it was a long, multi-year (i'm not sure exactly how many) relationship. What she needs is time to heal, not a rebound (she's not the one that decided to end it). 2) I'm in no position to be in a relationship right now, and this is the reason that really stings. I want a relationship. I miss being in a relationship. But that isn't really a healthy attitude. I should want a relationship because I care about the other person, not because I care that I'm single and don't wanna be. It's annoying, though, because in this situation I do care for the other person, and I'm genuinely interested in a relationship, not a sex partner. But I have to face the facts that at the moment I'm not healthy enough for a relationship. First of, I know I wouldn't be honest in it about my struggles with pornography, and if I were to start a relationship I'd want it to start of honestly. Secondly, I haven't had enough sober time. My reboot isn't done, and I don't think I should start anything like that until it is.

These kind of situations really make me feel, as my therapist would put it, "less than." I feel like less than a man, less than a success, less than who I should be. I need to be on guard against these feelings, because they are MAJOR triggers for me, and I need to recognize that. I also need to be aware and conscious not to flirt with her, because I slide into flirting so easily. I've caught myself flirting with her a couple of times, and it doesn't help that she flirts back.

But, despite these triggers, I got through the day without acting out. I know this was longer than my typical entries, and hopefully that trend will continue. I say hopefully because I'm trying to be more mindful and put more thought into my recover. I need to stop being superficial and start getting into the nitty gritty, the stuff I don't really want to think about. If I don't, I'll never recover, and that's not a future I want for myself.
 
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willtochange

Active Member
Really enjoyed reading this entry, i like that you are aware of your struggles and how they would effect a new relationship. I have respect for you that you are willing to be a friend when really needed and not a potential rebound for this co worker. I don't really see anything wrong with the flirting unless it be a trigger for you to pmo.
 
J

J316

Active Member
I just don't want to flirt because I don't want to lead anyone on, you  know?

Day 7

Anyways, I accidentally fell asleep last night before I could journal (it happens to us narcoleptics), but yesterday was pretty uneventful anyway. Except that I got my grade back for that anatomy test. I got a 73, which is insanely disappointing. So I had to be on guard all day today, knowing that I was disappointed and upset. To make matters worse I saw my ex today, which is all sorts of triggering. It didn't end badly, but it didn't end mutually. She dumped me and I was devastated. This was over a year ago, so you think I'd be over it by now, but I guess not. Luckily my friend Erika was in the middle of asking if I wanted to go over to her place to hang out before class, so I didn't have to process that alone I was able to vent to her for a bit about it right away.
 
J

J316

Active Member
Day 8

Today went well, I only had one class today. Did a lot of studying for my lab practical tomorrow and I have a scientific writing assignment that is stressing me out, so I need to be aware of that. I've been getting really tired lately for no reason at all. I don't understand it, i've been managing my sleep well there is no reason I should be as tired as I am right now, but i've been exhausted since about 9:30. I'm grateful to finally be going to bed now, I almost didn't do this journal.
 
J

J316

Active Member
Day 9

Today also went well. I had my lab practical today, and I think I did well but I'm nervous because there were so few questions on it that if I only got two wrong that's a full letter grade off my grade. But there's nothing I can do about it now so I just have to wait for the grade to be posted and not stress about.

I still haven't really experienced any temptations at all, which is weird. I'm not flatlining, I'm just not tempted to act out really. Oh well, guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. 
 
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