Age 30, 200 days no porn, rebooting with partner, ups and downs

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misc person 86

Active Member
Still in a major flat line.

Had to give a sperm sample the other day, which was a 80% erection (just touch) at best, though I was pretty uncomfortable.

Then worked away for a few days... Came back and my beautiful gf had bought me a sexy outfit (for her) as a gift to me. I was already nervous about not performing, but I love her and she looked stunning.

I got about a 50% at best and it quickly went down to 0% once I tried to find some lube. So devastated. Been months since I was this bad. Spent the rest of the night destroyed.

I'm approaching a year of no PMO... I can only pray (not even religious) that when my libido is back it's stronger (it usually is).

Feel like I don't even deserve to lay next to my gf in bed. She is wasted on me.
 
A

aquarius25

Respected Member
I wanted to tell you and I really feel like all men on the forum need to hear this.. Not just read the words but actually hear and absorb these words. Any woman who is not a complete self centered bitch is not as concerned with your erection as you are. I promise! Men seem to put either penises on a pedestal. I hear all the time how they feel like they can't even talk to a girl if they can't preform, that is ridiculous! Your penis is not that awesome. It is the person who makes the sex great, from the majority of the women I know. It is because she is making love with you, your penis is just the tool for the job. Do not put yourself down, that will only make the situation worse. You are torturing yourself, and well, that's just silly. Woman care more about the time spent with the person they love than the sex. They want to know that they are being seen, cared for, and made to feel that they are important to you and adored. Orgasms are just one part of a bigger picture. Focusing on just sex is missing so much of the relationship. Tell her you love her. Reassure her. If sex doesn't shake out that night then do something else fun. Watch a movie, play some games, go do something, connect! I know women who have married and chosen to spend the rest of their lives with men who for medical reasons can't even have sex, why.....because they love the man. You should feel honored to sleep next to her. Do not shame yourself. It only makes the situation worse.

I hope you find this encouraging not don't feel like I am yelling at you lol. It was meant to be encouraging. I think you are doing an amazing job. Keep up the good work.
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Cheers Aquarius. Think this is something I should read/remind myself when I'm feeling low. It is in encouraging, so thanks again.
 
J

jayjay

Member
I'm rewiring with my wife, we're past the 90 day hard mode, and are onto the rewiring together part. I read many of your posts regarding rewiring, they have been really helpful and encouraging, thanks mate.
 
F

Farmer1016

Active Member
I read your post above and this jumped out at me because I'm living it too brother:

I got about a 50% at best and it quickly went down to 0% once I tried to find some lube. So devastated. Been months since I was this bad. Spent the rest of the night destroyed.
Click to expand...

As Aquarius said, intimacy and making love is not something that revolves solely around your penis and whether you do, or do not, achieve a rock hard erection. There's much much much more to it than that. For her and for you.

Try not to center your attention on what's going on down there. Focus instead on her and lose yourself in your time with her.

Don't establish any goals or expectations ahead of time. Simply go where it takes you.

I've learned that by being able to do that wonderful things await even if an erection isn't part of it.
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Jayjay, glad my journal is being useful for you and your wife. How are you two getting on? Farmer, Aquarius, everyone... I know there's more to intimacy than sex. But we also know that feeling in our heads/bodies when something isn't right. There's definitely massive psychological stuff going on with me... The next couple of times we were intimate (after I'd posted about how I couldn't get it up despite my gf being sexy as hell and wearing sexy underwear) I got solid erections and felt uncontrollably turned on with an ultra sensitive penis... Both these times were after lights out/in the dark when sex wasn't planned.. One of the times was also after I'd smashed it at the gym and most certainly depleted every last ounce of testosterone in me. I don't know if these occasional problems are purely anxiety driven, or if it's really short flat lines... It boggles my head, it really does.
 
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jayjay

Member
Thanks, so far so good, our initial encounters after both being on 90 day reboot have been very positive, first in terms of intimacy, but also in terms of how it felt down there, especially our second time a few days ago. I've detailed it a bit more in my log. We are focusing on intimacy, and being in the here and now (as opposed to fantasising etc). What ever positive things come out of it are viewed as pleasant surprises. Trying not to have expectations of immediate 100% success, and we see to that we don't put pressure on ourselves or each other. It's delicate, and it's almost like being new to it all, in a very positive way.

As for your worries - you seem to have been on a nice ride since mid October. But you also seemed to be a bit upset about that sample thing, I don't know if that messed it up for you a bit temporarily? As you're further in to this than me (a year vs some 3 months) I don't know if I'm the right person to give you advice, but the way it looks from here, you are on the right track and have come quite far. Easy for me to say, but maybe you shouldn't worry so much so soon when things are not coming together for a while? I've seen lots of accounts where people needed several years before they were completely out of the woods. Here for instance: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=7918.msg80305#msg80305
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Cheers for digging out that post Jayjay, glad your recovery is going well and you're managing your expectations (unlike me). The post you provided has some good reassurance for me, which is what a lot of us are relying on (thank you!):

"...It took my husband a year to fully recover but even at that year mark he could only have a couple of orgasms a week or his member would not perform. We still had sex but he had to limit his orgasms. Now at 3 years in he can orgasm as much as he wants.  Your body really does need that time to heal."

And:

" I was there and even after a year of no PMO, I still don't feel like my dick is reliable or quick enough to recover from sex. I still use a little Cialis with a partner and I NEVER masturbate. I'm no expert, but it seems to me the less you orgasm, the hornier you get..."

I totally feel the same as the above. And whilst it gets me so down, I just need to appreciate that the weak erections phase that I go through is generally subsiding quicker, and I'm going longer and longer with normal libido before it randomly plummets. But because of this, when it happens it hits me bloody hard! Like, I'll just lay there devastated, tearful and on the verge of a panic attack... Even though, I know deep down in a day or 2 I'll probably be back on it.

I literally used nothing but PMO from like... 15+ to 30, and whilst they say PIED started mainly from the development of the tube sites around 2006(?), I was watching just as much P before that, so the fact I can actually have sex at all right now is a bloody miracle. I need to remind myself of this and look forward to the better sex I'll be having, and cherish the amazing sex I've had since giving up.
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Listened to the BBC coverage with my GF. She got upset listing to it. She knows what the score is, but I'm conscious how long it's taking me to fully recover so I wanted her to hear it. She hates the thought that when I can't keep it up it's because of my history of porn use, and she thinks she's not good enough to satisfy me. Whereas me, I'm petrified she'll leave me coz I have issues. We're both insecure, and I know she doesn't like talking about it, but I need to talk to her. Other than the guys on the forum and one mate who I barely speak to, she's the only one I can discuss it with.
 
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aquarius25

Respected Member
Keep your chin up. I know that you and your girlfriend are both in a difficult place. Just keep working towards recovery and communicate. If the two of you are going to have a future it requires communication. It's hard but really the only way to get through it, for both of you. Also if she has stuck it out with you through this entire reboot then it sounds like she is in for the long haul. I wouldn't focus on your insecurity but focus on your recovery and becoming the man she deserve to have by her side. Have you shared your journal with her? What about encouraging her to come on here and find support as well.
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Cheers Aquarius. I haven't shared my journal no. She probably wouldn't like the personal stuff I've written about the two of us... However, she knows I use the forums so she could easily find it if she wanted. I've mentioned about the partner support forums here etc, but she says she doesn't need the support and that it's not as big an issue to her as it is to me. It is a massive thing to me though, it's played a huge part of what kind of person I am now/have been, and it'll probably be a big part of my life in the future too... So I need to talk about it. She asks how I'd like it if she kept talking about how she can't get turned on by me coz she's seen so much porn... To be fair, I'd hate it... So I do understand, but I can't turn back the clock 15 years unfortunately.
 
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TiramiSu

Well-Known Member
From reading what you write, you are very determined! one year without is really good!
With regards to PIED: I think it is because we think too much during sex. When it Comes to sex, just do not think! Then it works - I do have my issues with pmo, but I never suffered from pied with women, but I think most important is to just let yourself go and enjoy! when we have sex and think, it does not work!
 
M

misc person 86

Active Member
Hey Dave, I know... Long overdue update. In short...

Me and my gf broke up about 4 months ago. At that point, (about 20 months no PMO) sex was frequent at about 2-4 times a week. I had some amazing sex, but also failed a lot and dropped into flatlines (some a few days, some for weeks)... It was very stressful... Since we broke up I (in hindsight) stupidly got on the dating apps and met a few girls. 1 I was successful at sex with (though nervous), the others I failed miserably. So I put this down to me scrolling through the dating apps in a similar fashion to my PMO days... I even remember feeling the same dopamine spike when one of the girls started sending me videos... Big mistake... Though I still never PMOd or MOd. I decided to give women a rest and forget about the whole thing, I concentrated on my daughter, fitness, family and work.. so I'm upto 3 months hardmode, with almost 2 years no PMO. My emotional health, whilst up and down occasionally with crippling anxiety, it is certainly a ginormous improvement, and it continues to improve still... So I'm happy! I touched my penis in the shower a few times as I hadn't had full MW for a while, just to make sure it was alive, and with sensation only I got a solid erection which lasted. I'm confident sex will work whenever I next try it, but the issue is how often I can have sex before I go into a flatline. And without going back on dating apps, sleeping around or getting into a relationship I'll not know how frequently I can perform. And I don't want to do any of those things haha... So I'm literally just going with the flow and enjoying life without worrying about a whether my dick will work or not, though I'm getting pretty horny sometimes and will definitely need a release soon! Hope everyone else is still on track, and if you've fallen off the wagon, you've not lost everything. I actually kinda consider the dating app experience a bit of a relapse to looking at P, even though it was unintentional, as it definitely had similar brain activating properties and negative effects on me, which resemble the P days of my life. Peace all.
 
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jayjay

Member
Good to see you're doing well, keep it up!

I reached 400 days at New Year.

Thanks for posting and sharing.
 
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