Hello everyone!
I am going to start off by saying that my story is really quite complicated. Ever since I first learned what H-OCD was, I have been struggling tremendously with this forboding sense of anxiety. It comes and goes throughout the day but there are times where it feels like sharp pins in my stomach - maybe acid? Anyways, here's my story:
I know for certain I liked girls at a young age. From the time I was at least in Kindergarten through 5th grade, I was crushing on girls. When I learned to masturbate (in 2nd or 3rd grade) I would be fantasizing to various girls - I know I was so freaky so young ( haha..)
I remember getting erections to various sexy women I saw in music videos, on TV, etc.
I do remember this one moment in 4th grade where a male friend of mind kissed me on the cheek, and I remember getting a little erection... I remember feeling even then a sense of confusion, frustration, and torment about my sexuality ( was this H-OCD at a young age?) Eventually, I got over it, and remember being attracted to girls again..
After this, going into 6th grade ( start of middle school), there were some male peers who made fun of me/accused me of being gay. I was completely confused by this - I didn't realize that the way I dressed , at the time, was considered "gay" ( I was 11 freakin yrs old for goodness sake!) and I was just wearing what was comfortable to me! But I remember wanting comradery and friendship and to be accepted by male peers and so this taunting about being "gay" ( used as an insult- homophobia, I live in Central VA...) created some wounds to me ego , pride, and sense of masculinity.
It would be 7th grade that I would finally (from what I remember) start becoming interested/curious about boys- I'm not sure I remember what caused it, but I would just start looking at guys sexually- I remember being attracted to male butts at the time- just because that's always what looked good on women to me and I felt no reason not to explore that. I was intrigued by the guys during gym class to did "playful" things to each other. I was never emotionally/romantically attracted to any of these guys though.. but it's not as if I had entirely stopped being sexually attracted to women. Of course, I was still teased/tromented for being "gay"- I started to realize that it may have been because I was a black guy who didn't conform to black hypersexual stereotypes ( dressed well, spoke well, treated girls respectfully, etc.) This, however, caused me to further question my masculinity and created even deeper wounds at my ego/pride; All I wanted was a group of good guy friends who accepted me and I could fit in with.. I would notice that as soon as they accepted me and treated me as equal ( instead of inferior), the sexual feelings would go away
When I got to highschool, I remember feeling overwhelemed by the vastness of everything- so many more students, mean guys who treated me like I was less and assumed/bashed me for "being gay"- I remember one night crying myself to sleep because all I wanted was for people to like me, it was so bad I was asking my parents if I could transfer... I remember starting to explore men further, sexually- watching/masturbating/getting erect to male make-out videos - I would feel ashamed afterwards.... also, I would continue to not be emotionally/romantically attracted to guys; luckily, I decided to stay because of a few nice guy friends I've met along the way that I didn't wanna leave..
So as highschool went on, I would continue to struggle with my masculinity-inferiority complex and continue to watch gay porn and masturbate. I would also masturbate to lesbians and picture of sexy women but the gay stuff had become to novel that I probably felt a rush/surge of dopamine - it was also I think for me, that the more the men I saw looked like the guys that treated me as less, the more turned on I would be by the videos- one interesting thing to note was that I was only interested in scenes of grabbing ass/making out but nothing further than that - at the time.
I remember, probably the most traumatic experience I had in highschool was this "American Sports in Lit." class I took in 11th grade - FILLED with jocks. I was nervous/insecure and often shy because of the bashing that might come if they thought I was gay. One class, then, I had to give a presentation about something by myself and within about 15- 20 seconds into it, this front row of jockish guys just erupted in laughter to my voice- and I was self-conscious the whole time, I wanted to just cry right then and there...
That same year though, I did ask a female friend of mine ( whom I had feelings for) to prom and she said "yes!" with the caveat, as friends... she barely danced with me, though I really wanted to dance with /kiss her...
I believe it was 12th grade where I finally saw a video in gay porn of these two twinky white guys having passionate, anal sex. At first, I found it absolutely digusting, but the more I watched it, the shock, the dopamine rush...I was hook; so I looked at more and more things I always knew I found gross and then suddenly, I was aroused.... I noticed it was the stuff, still, that featured the kind of guys that treated me horribly and/or I wished to be were what caused the greatest arousal in me ; even so, I got a humungous crush on this girl who I just found absolutely gorgeous and couldn't believe she was single- I was so unsure of myself ( been cut down to much) I never got the courage to talk to her... but I remember the thought of us making out/being intimate giving me an erection
I kept and kept searching through gay porn, sometimes, it would gross me out after looking at it; even though I know I'd never do those things in real life, and I knew I was deep down attracted to females - even when I would get erections looking at attractive guys walking by irl, I know I wouldnt actually enjoy having sex with them- it was jsut that they reminded me of the porn I saw and I often had to fantasize about them for me to be aroused..
Anyways, as I went on the college, I kept on watching the gay porn and masturbing to it. It was the dopamine rush I think I was addicted to... yet I was still falling in love with girls... I loved them immensely and being around them, it's like I didn't feel right masturbaing/watching porn about them because I took it too seriously- porn/masturbation , for me was the realm of fantasy and just "pigging out" - not genuine attraction. All throughout college getting denied by girls I liked because I wasn't "masculine enough" or "looked to young and cute and innocent.."; so masturbation became an "in the mean time"
I got to the point where there was this one website for black gay men to meet each other on forum and webcam. It wasn't really the meeting other black gay men to date that turned me on- though it was some of the pictures of some of the men, all these men who looked just like the black, attractive jocks who tore me down, that led me to just light up at this prospect - I went on webcam and stripped for various men and performed virtual sex(kinda) and the high and rush and sense of redemption I felt was great to me - ( I now know this was voyeruship or exhibitonist behavior)- they called me attractive and beautiful and "hella sexy" and I realized it was the fact that they thought this about me that turned me on moreso than the men themselves; so I began to just start thinking I was completely gay/bi or something... then I joined date-hookup and such. Well, I began to think "I'm doing all this fantasizing about men and sex with them...but would I enjoy it in reality...?" Then that's what led me to try out my first sexual experience with a guy- I knew in my mind that although I found anal sex pleasurable on screen, I wouldn't like actually doing it in person ... so I met up with him ( drove about 30 miles or so after work..told parents I was going to a friend's house...) in a random neighborhood and began to get a bit anxious and/or nervous that it could be some plot to kidnap me or something... we only talked online, it didn't matter though because I was excited for the rush of it all and seeing if I really liked it...
So, after a few small talk here and there, we began to make-out and I took my shirt off and he , his and I remember getting erect but wanting to penetrate something so I was awkwardly humping his dick, wish it would be pleasurable but never wanting to put my dick in his ass... anyways, I never even came close to ejaculating/pre-cumming or anything but I did enjoy making out with him - I tried sitting on his dick ( with my anus) for a split second but I just couldn't even fit it all in b/c I know I detest anal irl, I tried sucking his dick for about 10 seconds but got bored of it and stopped, b/c I was wishing I was feeling that
So I left, with such a strange feeling, not knowing what to feel - am I gay for sure now? I remember coming back from home and not being able to eat what my parents cooked...could barely down the food... Anyways, even after this I continued to get on that website b/c of the rush and chatted with more guys I found attractive and wanted to meet up with potentially because of the rush I felt, though I know I'd just do the same thing .. eventually, I met this guy onthis webcam site that reminded me so much of this guy that had laughed at me just form looking at me and I found attractive IRL and I thought maybe I was developing feelings for him, so I actually was trying to being to pursue him, but when my senior semester started... I met this girl who I absolutely fell head-over-heals for and I forgot all about that guy and realized I was trying to force a romantic attraction that just wasn't really there..
There were actually two girls I found quite attractive, but one way more than the other and so the exhibitionist/voyeurism began to recede a bit, but I still did it out of habit/compulsion almost... I remember getting so lucky at the Halloween dance to have that girl press her body against me and wrap her arms around my neck- I LOVED it and was so shell-shocked she did it, that I didn't know how to respond... but I got nervous that I didn't have an erection... I think she noted that and stopped dancing with me... still felt great...
I developed another pretty strong attraction to a girl ( foreign exchange student) the following semester... but no boner/erection. I would get erections only from porn, porn fantasies and seeing guys who reminded me of the gay porn I watched... but no emotional/romantic attachment...
Anyways, here I am now. I graduated from college and here's where the HOCD begins...
Having graduated, being a virgin, and never having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I guess I began to wonder... " Am I truly bisexual?" so I began to masturbate to my fantasies of gay porn/sexu with men and then I'd try to switch in mid-masturbation to fantasy of having intimate sex with a women and I'd notice my erection shrinking or at least changing some... and it scared me because I thought "oh no.... I must be gay"... one night, I tried masturbating to a woman (from the get-go) and I noticed I just wouldn't get a boner- I was very anxious and so I began to panic a bit and my stomach started to churn and bubble and BAM! ever since I began to wonder if this meant for fure that I was gay this whole time and just didn't realize it... I tried looking at pictures of vaginas, naked women, etc. and it wouldn't get me erect; it actually just brought on anxiety and sharp stomach pains and churning of the stomach... I signed off of the gay webcame thing for good(since May 30th or so, haven't been back), quit looking at porn for a bit, and then I wondered if all my attractions to women were genuine and if I really liked men, since I was getting erections from them but not women - add to this, I'm a VIRGIN so I'm still a bit estranged to the vagina and find it somewhat gross -looking though I'd still want to have intimate sex with a woman I love - I've heard it's more common than you think for virgin men b/c I'm only thinking fo the mechanical/vagina and not the whole woman- which I've always been attracted to... everything else about women is beautiful to me...just can't get an erection - only to gay porn, and sometimes seeing other rlly attractive men irl gives me an erection ( maybe b/c they remind me of porn?) I was wondering why I couldn't sleep and felt anxiety and depression at first and thought maybe it was a symptom of me supressing my sexuality- which gave me MORE anxiety... then I realized that I was likely experiencing withdrawals from PMO abstinence...
Anyways, I remember meeting a girl I hadn't seen in a while and was always scared to approach and she was actually surprisingly nice and the entire time I got little butterflies in my stomach and I felt like justholding her and kissing her over and over again , even though I didn;t get an erection... I also noticed myself getting attracted (w/o erection) to another girl I saw - it's like everything within me finds these women hot/attractive and wanting to be with them except my penis! It makes me doubt my emotional/romantic attraction to women I've ever had in my life and it's causing me so much anxiety.... I remember though, one 24 hr period of repreive from these feelings because I started to masturbate and got erection to my gay fantasies and then once I was erect ( since I wasn't able to get it simply from seeing/thinking about the women I was attracted to) I fantasized about having sex with the girl I was feeling feelings for and I think I began to pre-cum but I was so scared I would end up losing my erection that I switched over the the gay fantasy mentally... even still, I felt great about it the morning after and every woman I saw pictures of I found I wanted to do something sexually with.. I think I got an erection.. can't remember... but my mouth just keep watering/drooling when I saw them... (with the world cup on now..) I saw plenty of men I found attractive but knew I didn't like them the way I liked women... I was so happy that I "celebrated" that night to gay fantasies... and it caused me to go back into this anxiety, H-OCD spiral yet again...
So I have this weird form of H-OCD ( I guess, maybe?) where I keep imagining mental images of women and vaginas and the fact that it doesn't give me an erection the way my gay fantasies/certain men I see irl do, gives me SUCH anxiety... to the point where I'm getting nauseous thinking about vagina and I know it must be this H-OCD/anxiety because I never reacted this strongly before to it...even if I know IN MY BONES I am romantically/emotionally attracted to them, I just feel like a fluke because they don't give me an erection combined with being a virgin who's a bit estranged by vagina, though I know I'd love the way it feels to do it with a woman I love...
I've been reaind on how you "Can't Trust your Johnson" and how modern porn w/ high-speed internet combined with dopamine can plastically tamper withwhat arouses us despite what we know to be our orientation and can morph sexual tastes to things you know you'd never ever do...
I'm just hoping to have my sexual desire for women ( which exists whether I feelt an erection or not- I know it sounds weird, I feel like I want to undress sexy women with nice boobs and ass and just lick them all over- heck I DROOL, my mouth water uncontrollably, but my penis just doesn't react unless it's gay... ) allign with my emotional/romantic desire for them.
I've gone 11 days so far w/o PMO but sometimes it's hard for me not to fantasize constantly about women, hoping the erection will just come at some point... and getting over anxiety about imagining them sexually, it's like my brain sometimes morphs their bodies, etc.
I know this was long, but please, please help me... Thanks!
I am going to start off by saying that my story is really quite complicated. Ever since I first learned what H-OCD was, I have been struggling tremendously with this forboding sense of anxiety. It comes and goes throughout the day but there are times where it feels like sharp pins in my stomach - maybe acid? Anyways, here's my story:
I know for certain I liked girls at a young age. From the time I was at least in Kindergarten through 5th grade, I was crushing on girls. When I learned to masturbate (in 2nd or 3rd grade) I would be fantasizing to various girls - I know I was so freaky so young ( haha..)
I remember getting erections to various sexy women I saw in music videos, on TV, etc.
I do remember this one moment in 4th grade where a male friend of mind kissed me on the cheek, and I remember getting a little erection... I remember feeling even then a sense of confusion, frustration, and torment about my sexuality ( was this H-OCD at a young age?) Eventually, I got over it, and remember being attracted to girls again..
After this, going into 6th grade ( start of middle school), there were some male peers who made fun of me/accused me of being gay. I was completely confused by this - I didn't realize that the way I dressed , at the time, was considered "gay" ( I was 11 freakin yrs old for goodness sake!) and I was just wearing what was comfortable to me! But I remember wanting comradery and friendship and to be accepted by male peers and so this taunting about being "gay" ( used as an insult- homophobia, I live in Central VA...) created some wounds to me ego , pride, and sense of masculinity.
It would be 7th grade that I would finally (from what I remember) start becoming interested/curious about boys- I'm not sure I remember what caused it, but I would just start looking at guys sexually- I remember being attracted to male butts at the time- just because that's always what looked good on women to me and I felt no reason not to explore that. I was intrigued by the guys during gym class to did "playful" things to each other. I was never emotionally/romantically attracted to any of these guys though.. but it's not as if I had entirely stopped being sexually attracted to women. Of course, I was still teased/tromented for being "gay"- I started to realize that it may have been because I was a black guy who didn't conform to black hypersexual stereotypes ( dressed well, spoke well, treated girls respectfully, etc.) This, however, caused me to further question my masculinity and created even deeper wounds at my ego/pride; All I wanted was a group of good guy friends who accepted me and I could fit in with.. I would notice that as soon as they accepted me and treated me as equal ( instead of inferior), the sexual feelings would go away
When I got to highschool, I remember feeling overwhelemed by the vastness of everything- so many more students, mean guys who treated me like I was less and assumed/bashed me for "being gay"- I remember one night crying myself to sleep because all I wanted was for people to like me, it was so bad I was asking my parents if I could transfer... I remember starting to explore men further, sexually- watching/masturbating/getting erect to male make-out videos - I would feel ashamed afterwards.... also, I would continue to not be emotionally/romantically attracted to guys; luckily, I decided to stay because of a few nice guy friends I've met along the way that I didn't wanna leave..
So as highschool went on, I would continue to struggle with my masculinity-inferiority complex and continue to watch gay porn and masturbate. I would also masturbate to lesbians and picture of sexy women but the gay stuff had become to novel that I probably felt a rush/surge of dopamine - it was also I think for me, that the more the men I saw looked like the guys that treated me as less, the more turned on I would be by the videos- one interesting thing to note was that I was only interested in scenes of grabbing ass/making out but nothing further than that - at the time.
I remember, probably the most traumatic experience I had in highschool was this "American Sports in Lit." class I took in 11th grade - FILLED with jocks. I was nervous/insecure and often shy because of the bashing that might come if they thought I was gay. One class, then, I had to give a presentation about something by myself and within about 15- 20 seconds into it, this front row of jockish guys just erupted in laughter to my voice- and I was self-conscious the whole time, I wanted to just cry right then and there...
That same year though, I did ask a female friend of mine ( whom I had feelings for) to prom and she said "yes!" with the caveat, as friends... she barely danced with me, though I really wanted to dance with /kiss her...
I believe it was 12th grade where I finally saw a video in gay porn of these two twinky white guys having passionate, anal sex. At first, I found it absolutely digusting, but the more I watched it, the shock, the dopamine rush...I was hook; so I looked at more and more things I always knew I found gross and then suddenly, I was aroused.... I noticed it was the stuff, still, that featured the kind of guys that treated me horribly and/or I wished to be were what caused the greatest arousal in me ; even so, I got a humungous crush on this girl who I just found absolutely gorgeous and couldn't believe she was single- I was so unsure of myself ( been cut down to much) I never got the courage to talk to her... but I remember the thought of us making out/being intimate giving me an erection
I kept and kept searching through gay porn, sometimes, it would gross me out after looking at it; even though I know I'd never do those things in real life, and I knew I was deep down attracted to females - even when I would get erections looking at attractive guys walking by irl, I know I wouldnt actually enjoy having sex with them- it was jsut that they reminded me of the porn I saw and I often had to fantasize about them for me to be aroused..
Anyways, as I went on the college, I kept on watching the gay porn and masturbing to it. It was the dopamine rush I think I was addicted to... yet I was still falling in love with girls... I loved them immensely and being around them, it's like I didn't feel right masturbaing/watching porn about them because I took it too seriously- porn/masturbation , for me was the realm of fantasy and just "pigging out" - not genuine attraction. All throughout college getting denied by girls I liked because I wasn't "masculine enough" or "looked to young and cute and innocent.."; so masturbation became an "in the mean time"
I got to the point where there was this one website for black gay men to meet each other on forum and webcam. It wasn't really the meeting other black gay men to date that turned me on- though it was some of the pictures of some of the men, all these men who looked just like the black, attractive jocks who tore me down, that led me to just light up at this prospect - I went on webcam and stripped for various men and performed virtual sex(kinda) and the high and rush and sense of redemption I felt was great to me - ( I now know this was voyeruship or exhibitonist behavior)- they called me attractive and beautiful and "hella sexy" and I realized it was the fact that they thought this about me that turned me on moreso than the men themselves; so I began to just start thinking I was completely gay/bi or something... then I joined date-hookup and such. Well, I began to think "I'm doing all this fantasizing about men and sex with them...but would I enjoy it in reality...?" Then that's what led me to try out my first sexual experience with a guy- I knew in my mind that although I found anal sex pleasurable on screen, I wouldn't like actually doing it in person ... so I met up with him ( drove about 30 miles or so after work..told parents I was going to a friend's house...) in a random neighborhood and began to get a bit anxious and/or nervous that it could be some plot to kidnap me or something... we only talked online, it didn't matter though because I was excited for the rush of it all and seeing if I really liked it...
So, after a few small talk here and there, we began to make-out and I took my shirt off and he , his and I remember getting erect but wanting to penetrate something so I was awkwardly humping his dick, wish it would be pleasurable but never wanting to put my dick in his ass... anyways, I never even came close to ejaculating/pre-cumming or anything but I did enjoy making out with him - I tried sitting on his dick ( with my anus) for a split second but I just couldn't even fit it all in b/c I know I detest anal irl, I tried sucking his dick for about 10 seconds but got bored of it and stopped, b/c I was wishing I was feeling that
So I left, with such a strange feeling, not knowing what to feel - am I gay for sure now? I remember coming back from home and not being able to eat what my parents cooked...could barely down the food... Anyways, even after this I continued to get on that website b/c of the rush and chatted with more guys I found attractive and wanted to meet up with potentially because of the rush I felt, though I know I'd just do the same thing .. eventually, I met this guy onthis webcam site that reminded me so much of this guy that had laughed at me just form looking at me and I found attractive IRL and I thought maybe I was developing feelings for him, so I actually was trying to being to pursue him, but when my senior semester started... I met this girl who I absolutely fell head-over-heals for and I forgot all about that guy and realized I was trying to force a romantic attraction that just wasn't really there..
There were actually two girls I found quite attractive, but one way more than the other and so the exhibitionist/voyeurism began to recede a bit, but I still did it out of habit/compulsion almost... I remember getting so lucky at the Halloween dance to have that girl press her body against me and wrap her arms around my neck- I LOVED it and was so shell-shocked she did it, that I didn't know how to respond... but I got nervous that I didn't have an erection... I think she noted that and stopped dancing with me... still felt great...
I developed another pretty strong attraction to a girl ( foreign exchange student) the following semester... but no boner/erection. I would get erections only from porn, porn fantasies and seeing guys who reminded me of the gay porn I watched... but no emotional/romantic attachment...
Anyways, here I am now. I graduated from college and here's where the HOCD begins...
Having graduated, being a virgin, and never having a girlfriend/boyfriend, I guess I began to wonder... " Am I truly bisexual?" so I began to masturbate to my fantasies of gay porn/sexu with men and then I'd try to switch in mid-masturbation to fantasy of having intimate sex with a women and I'd notice my erection shrinking or at least changing some... and it scared me because I thought "oh no.... I must be gay"... one night, I tried masturbating to a woman (from the get-go) and I noticed I just wouldn't get a boner- I was very anxious and so I began to panic a bit and my stomach started to churn and bubble and BAM! ever since I began to wonder if this meant for fure that I was gay this whole time and just didn't realize it... I tried looking at pictures of vaginas, naked women, etc. and it wouldn't get me erect; it actually just brought on anxiety and sharp stomach pains and churning of the stomach... I signed off of the gay webcame thing for good(since May 30th or so, haven't been back), quit looking at porn for a bit, and then I wondered if all my attractions to women were genuine and if I really liked men, since I was getting erections from them but not women - add to this, I'm a VIRGIN so I'm still a bit estranged to the vagina and find it somewhat gross -looking though I'd still want to have intimate sex with a woman I love - I've heard it's more common than you think for virgin men b/c I'm only thinking fo the mechanical/vagina and not the whole woman- which I've always been attracted to... everything else about women is beautiful to me...just can't get an erection - only to gay porn, and sometimes seeing other rlly attractive men irl gives me an erection ( maybe b/c they remind me of porn?) I was wondering why I couldn't sleep and felt anxiety and depression at first and thought maybe it was a symptom of me supressing my sexuality- which gave me MORE anxiety... then I realized that I was likely experiencing withdrawals from PMO abstinence...
Anyways, I remember meeting a girl I hadn't seen in a while and was always scared to approach and she was actually surprisingly nice and the entire time I got little butterflies in my stomach and I felt like justholding her and kissing her over and over again , even though I didn;t get an erection... I also noticed myself getting attracted (w/o erection) to another girl I saw - it's like everything within me finds these women hot/attractive and wanting to be with them except my penis! It makes me doubt my emotional/romantic attraction to women I've ever had in my life and it's causing me so much anxiety.... I remember though, one 24 hr period of repreive from these feelings because I started to masturbate and got erection to my gay fantasies and then once I was erect ( since I wasn't able to get it simply from seeing/thinking about the women I was attracted to) I fantasized about having sex with the girl I was feeling feelings for and I think I began to pre-cum but I was so scared I would end up losing my erection that I switched over the the gay fantasy mentally... even still, I felt great about it the morning after and every woman I saw pictures of I found I wanted to do something sexually with.. I think I got an erection.. can't remember... but my mouth just keep watering/drooling when I saw them... (with the world cup on now..) I saw plenty of men I found attractive but knew I didn't like them the way I liked women... I was so happy that I "celebrated" that night to gay fantasies... and it caused me to go back into this anxiety, H-OCD spiral yet again...
So I have this weird form of H-OCD ( I guess, maybe?) where I keep imagining mental images of women and vaginas and the fact that it doesn't give me an erection the way my gay fantasies/certain men I see irl do, gives me SUCH anxiety... to the point where I'm getting nauseous thinking about vagina and I know it must be this H-OCD/anxiety because I never reacted this strongly before to it...even if I know IN MY BONES I am romantically/emotionally attracted to them, I just feel like a fluke because they don't give me an erection combined with being a virgin who's a bit estranged by vagina, though I know I'd love the way it feels to do it with a woman I love...
I've been reaind on how you "Can't Trust your Johnson" and how modern porn w/ high-speed internet combined with dopamine can plastically tamper withwhat arouses us despite what we know to be our orientation and can morph sexual tastes to things you know you'd never ever do...
I'm just hoping to have my sexual desire for women ( which exists whether I feelt an erection or not- I know it sounds weird, I feel like I want to undress sexy women with nice boobs and ass and just lick them all over- heck I DROOL, my mouth water uncontrollably, but my penis just doesn't react unless it's gay... ) allign with my emotional/romantic desire for them.
I've gone 11 days so far w/o PMO but sometimes it's hard for me not to fantasize constantly about women, hoping the erection will just come at some point... and getting over anxiety about imagining them sexually, it's like my brain sometimes morphs their bodies, etc.
I know this was long, but please, please help me... Thanks!
