Old and Horny, Becoming a Former Fapster -- My Journal

[OldHornyGuy]

Once again, I am referring to Karen and not myself.  I think in many ways watching her reboot is much more interesting that what I am going through.

So, we were back at it again last night.  I am working on her and she keeps getting close to O, but can't quite get there.  It hurt my ego a little bit, but after a couple of false starts, she gets out a little egg vibrator and together we get to the promised land.  But this time I could tell it was different.  Her previous O's were like, "omg, omg, OMG" dead stop.  This time it was like O.......M........G with her whole body shuddering and quivering, it went on for at least a minute.  When she was done she about collapsed.

After she was done we talked and she said it was like a wave running through her whole body, that she had never felt anything like it, completely different from any orgasm she ever had.  I smiled and told her congratulations on achieving her first "female orgasm."  She looked at me as if I were nuts and I told her that I thought her previous ones were "male" in the sense that it was like almost no build up and then "wham" and then over.  Just like a guy sneaking in some MO. 

As we were talking I noticed that she was sort of absentmindedly touching herself.  I said, "You want to go again?"  Considering that we had just said that her cumming two days in a row was a record, cumming twice in 15 minutes didn't seem possible.

Again my ego was nicked when she reached right away for the vibrator, but sure enough, within 5 minutes, she was in the throes of another orgasm.  Of course now, she's been sexting me all morning, so we may have created a monster.

For me, things were good, but not great.  Had a great time, but didn't get all that hard, wasn't really in the moment as much as I would have liked and like that.  Had pretty strong urges to fap when I got home, but read some YBOP success stories and held off.  Still feel the urge this morning, but I am at work, so should be OK.

My future posts will probably be much more about the other things I need to work on and less about what is going on below the waist.

Stay tuned.

 

[lex5122]

i've had some similar issues with what I believe Is PIED, i was wondering if it was my age, Adderall, drinking (highly & regular) or all the above, I'm hoping to see this improve as others have experienced on this site!  It was something that was plaguing me when I was with my single OW, she was hot and everything I wanted sexually and I was not able to get 100% hard often and or I would lose my firmness inside her, hard to explain to a 20 something......  After learning more and more on this site it is so obvious how I've rewired my mechanics and it is a principle reason for me seeking recovery.

godspeed

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Karen and I were at it last night and in a one night stand it might not have seemed so great, but in a relationship it was pretty good.

I started off with a good erection, but when we started PIV I lost it pretty quick.  I had been working out before, so maybe I was tired and summer heat does nothing for me in the performance department.  But either way, not a stellar night for me.  I turned my attentions on her and once again she reached orgasm with some artificial assistance.  She had tried to just get herself close and let me put her over the top, but it just did not work that way.  Unfortunately she cried after, not wanting to use an assistance. 

On one level I am very understanding of her issue, but on another it frustrates me entirely that I cannot do what pleases her.  It is so weird being on the other side of the coin!  Usually it is me saying things like, "Yes, you turn me on and what you are doing feels great, but well, maybe I am too tired tonight to get hard and cum."

But fortunately, the tears were quickly over as I reassured her that I was in this for the long haul and in the same way when my performance is not perfect it does not bother her, her needing assistance is just part of things right now.  After that we drifted in and out of sleep in each others arms for about two hours before I had to head home. 

Maybe nothing but the last two hours really matter. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I do have a few other things going on that might be worth mentioning. 

Even though I am regularly having good sex, I sort of feel like maybe I am flatlining a bit.  My affect is very dull, not feeling very happy, but not really depressed either.  I do have a few issues, including some possible financial problems that have been weighing on my mind.  I work in education, so the end of summer is a tough time for me, having almost no savings after two divorces.

My motivation to do almost anything is very low.  I am ignoring a huge pile of dishes as I type this.  I also need to mow my lawn and wash my car.  And make some extra money.  And like that. 

Yes, I am not PMOing, but I am also not doing many things that I really need to do!

Thanks for listening!

 

[lex5122]

I couldn't help thinking of my wife in your situation, although very different.  I was struck by how you were able to be so close to your woman and take care of her, and your mutual patience and communication.  It is very intimate and I am hoping to bring some of that to my world.  I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but my wife is not responsive hardly at all to me sexually.  What I mean by that is all through our 17 years of marriage, i don't think she ever climaxes.  I used to think I was a bad lover.  I had lots of sex before our marriage and it was wild and I felt I was pretty good at it.  My wife was very unlike all my previous "lose" gfs and that was a big part of the attraction.  I just assumed sex would come hot and wild when we were married.  She was brought up in a conservative baptist home and we fooled around before marriage, but we definitely did not do the move in and test for sexual chemistry bit.  So after getting married sex was a big let down for me.  She was willing but it was nothing like my porn educated mind was wanting. 
So fast forward through my disappointments sexually and justification of going outside marriage in numerous ways.  I'm having affairs with woman and they are all climaxing and praising my love making skills and I'm feeling good about myself.  That all ended and now i'm with my wife only, and we're having sex.  It is good sex, but she isn't climaxing still.  And she's ok with that.  I don't think she has ever masturbated nor used a toy solo.  I've brought them into the bed and she was never into them, I've tried oral on her and she doesn't get into that nor me manually stimulating her.  So I'm getting sex when i want it, but what i really want is for this to be a mutual desire and satisfactory connection.  She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, so she is not open to getting any help for herself, although I think she has some kind of repression sexually going on. 

Has anyone else had any experiences like this or suggestions?

 

[Gracie]

Perhaps your wife needs some educating on religion and married sex.  I do not have the sites bookmarked, but I will look for them.  But there are some that are about sex, sexuality and religion that are quite good in terms of what is normal and acceptable.  (And they are not prudish at all)  That may help her thinking pattern. 

The other thing is not all women have the same sexual response.  It does not mean they are frigid, or unfulfulled.  Sometimes it is too stimulating for them to relax.  Not all women have their clitoris in the same place.  Therefore for some it is harder to achieve orgasm.  And just like men, if the partner is waiting for you to have the Big O or thinks something is wrong, it ain't gonna happen.  She may need the kareeza approach to help her learn the sensitive areas of her body.  Gentle massage from both of you to each other is a great learning experience as well as relaxing.  You can find the other non sexual places that feel "oh my God wonderful"  which helps with the turn on. 

Just give it a try and see. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Part of my experience is that my first wife was not very sexual either.  She confided in my one time that her mother and sister told her that they had never had an orgasm in their lives.  Yes, I do think that religion has something to do with it, and I also agree with Gracie that some people (not just women) do not have strong sexual feelings either physically or psychologically.  Also I just recently heard that 30% of women have pain during penetration (my first wife did) which seems a bit astounding.

Somewhat like you Lex, at the time I was married I went from being a "great" lover with several women I dated to having her complain that it hurt, and lovemaking ending in tears.  In my early 20s I had no idea what do with that, so I just started taking care of myself.  Wrong move.  I think Gracie is definitely on the right track, and I might also suggest marital counseling to see if you and your wife can get totally on the same page.

Peace and Be Strong!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Fortunately not mine, but still frustrating.

After several times of using a little egg vibrator to get over the top, last night and today, that did not help Karen either and she resorted to her "big gun" toy.  She eventually had her orgasm, but you might say that it was deeply unsatisfying.  Once again she ended up crying. 

It is so weird being on both sides of this problem at the same time!

I know it is like when I would be making love and she would want me to cum inside her, but I couldn't so I would pull out and I would start jacking myself hoping she would say something "porny" to get me off, but she doesn't so I imagine stuff, close my eyes, it shrivels up and finally something dribbles out.  And she is looking at me like, "Why don't I turn you on? Aren't I sexy enough?"  I now know that feeling exactly.

And this is the wall that PMO puts between people and it does hurt.  I try not to let it, but it does bother me that I can't help Karen cum.  Like somehow I lost all my skills.  And for her, I know that she feels even worse for making me feel that way!  What an ugly cycle!

The ironic thing at the moment is that Friday she said she was not even going to try and climax this weekend, which I thought was a very good thing. Later though, she was teasing me, we did some PIV, she got close and the "relapse" happened.

The good news is, having discussed things, she put the "toy box" in a storage closet where it is out of reach at play time.  And intellectually at least we both feel that being together and pleasuring each other, even in the absence of orgasm, is much more satisfying than reaching a "tainted" orgasm.  Personally I think both she and I should go a few weeks with no orgasm at all, and I have said this to her, but so far she hasn't agreed. 

Maybe we will start that tonight.

 

[HoosierState]

Maybe she's developed a habit for the big toy orgasm?  I think you figured that out which is why she needs to put that toy away, reboot and start to really explore the real toy (you). Perhaps the lack of O for a short period might work similar to what we've found with rebooting. Maybe, if you can handle it, try one week or two without sex, toys, orgasms.  Then after a break you can both put on helmets and have at each other?  It would be hell for you, but for her, she might want to really shag you.  Just a thought.

Either way, aside from the deeper (and serious) issues, most of this chore for you sounds like f'ing fun, literally. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Actually, as she and I happen to be apart at this moment, I have been seriously thinking of proposing a sex moratorium for a while.  At first I thought a week -- and maybe it is just my addicted brain -- I thought that might be too long.  I am thinking, maybe the work week.  So Sunday through Friday nights.  Kissing, snuggling and even kazzera would be OK, but no BJs, HJs, oral, or thrusting trying to get to orgasm.

Also, HS, and I find this fascinating, she has explored me quite and bit and is very complimentary, but I really believe her failure to O is truly performance anxiety.  Weird, huh?  But when she gets close she bears down and looks like she is trying to give birth, right down to the squinched eyes.  And she tells me that her brain is full of thoughts like, "Oh no, what if I don't cum?"  And then she just loses it.  Sound familiar?

So, yes some time off would probably be beneficial.  I think she doesn't want to agree because somewhere deep down inside she is afraid that if she stops pleasing me, I will leave her.  Which is not true at all and consciously she knows that.  I do think our relationship will be stronger after a week off from sex, but I am not sure I can convince her of that.

 

[lex5122]

"oh no what if I don't cum" that does sound familiar, ironic to hear it from a women's point of view.  I think you have a great working relationship together in the sex department.  You are both being open and understanding and it's beautiful.  I want that too and I'm going to work towards it, and try leaving my expectations at the door. 

Neck tension is still there, but a bit less.  I'm starting to have some sexual thoughts and memories about sex with others, that I have to re -direct. 

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Well, after talking quite a bit with Karen she agreed that trying for orgasm was a bit counterproductive at this time, so we agreed to take a week off.  I know this is going to be extraordinarily difficult for me.  But I pretty much have to do it as it was my idea!

Saturday night was pretty easy, we were so tired that we snuggled for just a little while and then drifted off to sleep. 

The morning could have been a bit more of a problem, but it turned out to be a really beautiful experience.  I am a little more "active" in the morning, so we often have fun before breakfast.  Today I was spooning with her, and she started moving her hips and then I moved mine...and then we moved onto karezza.  She was able slip me in and because we both are a bit desensitized, we could move around quite a bit with me inside her.  I have no idea how long it was, but well over a half hour to as much as an hour.  Hardness waxed and waned, but with no thrusting to be done, it didn't really matter.  Then something strange and wonderful happened.

Somehow, as tangled up as we were, we managed to both fall asleep, with me inside her.  Never in my life have I done such a thing.  I have no idea how long we were asleep, but long enough for both of us to have dreams.  Is it possible to feel any closer to a person?

We woke up and realized we were still attached and talked a bit.  We decided we needed to get on with our day, but we were very much in the afterglow of what happened.  With a little encouragement I was ready for more karezza, and this time she was on top.  Again, amazing.  No orgasms.  Just incredible closeness.

I did have one weird experience though, and it relates a bit to your comment, Lex.  On Saturday night while we were out I saw a female acquaintance of mine.  I woman I find very attractive.  I couldn't help but notice that my acquaintance had on a dress very similar to Karen's.  Her hair is almost the same color and length.  They are built about the same, they could have switched dresses very easily.  Which begs the question, why did my scumbag brain feel the need to fantasize about my acquaintance when I was with Karen?  They so very similar, it just doesn't make sense! Although I will say that when Karen and I were leaving the event, I saw my acquaintance's boyfriend checking out Karen.  Don't know if he just noticed the similarity or what.  Maybe he thought about Karen while he was banging his girlfriend, I don't know!

One other journey that is beginning and we will see how this goes.  Very ironically the ex's of both Karen and I started doing the same thing to make extra money.  Totally separate, although when we compared notes, we knew of each others efforts.  In both cases, both Karen and I ended up doing a majority of the work -- and resented it.

Now, this is the danger part.  I need extra money at the moment.  I suggested that maybe she could help me get going on this again.  After some consideration, she agreed.  This could be very interesting.  My ex is still strongly in the business, so we may cross paths (bleah).  Her ex doesn't seem to be doing anything, so that is good.  I hope this doesn't remind Karen too much of her former life and come between us.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Actually not quite as difficult as I thought, though not a piece of cake either.

Karen worked late last night, so we only had about an hour together.  We had our usual naked snuggle time, but she was too dry for penetration, she did get me very hard, but when she got herself ready it waned and like that.  We spent the hour entwined.

I did have a bit of danger before seeing her, I was looking at karezza information online waiting for her to be done work and somewhere along the line someone confused karezza with orgasm denial/femdom.  There was a tumbler site with many animated gifs that were explicit.  I looked at a few (but no touching!).  Part of the reason I looked (I know, rationalization!) is that it struck me that Karen might actually be interested in some of the things depicted.  And maybe she would be.

But I am pretty proud of myself that I was able to look at a few images of that nature and not go nuts.  I didn't wank and didn't go off on a hunt looking for more.  Considering its been over a month since I looked at porn and two days since I have Oed in any way, I thought this was pretty good self control.

On the other hand, I think maybe I am in a flatline.  My dick seems pretty dead, Karen had to work very hard to get any response.  I feel completely unmotivated.  The spontaneous semi-erections I was having two weeks ago are gone.  You know things are bad when your ED is so bad you can't even really do soft entry.  Sigh.  I hope this passes soon.

 

[lex5122]

I like the Karezza idea, that sounds like something to try.  I've been making hints and even asking directly for some love making, but it hasn't happened in about a week.  I'm starting to get the ideas coming forward to look up some PORN or just M and get this tension gone.  My neck and shoulders are still tense, and it is starting to be a real hindrance.  I'm feeling good mentally, clear headed.  I am also feeling a little more assertive, and I like that.  I'm really wanting to see what kind of man I really can be, without this PMO fog that I've come to live with as normal.  I'm feeling good being here at this moment reminding myself how important this is, rather than take advantage that my wife is gone for a good 45 minutes, which would be a perfect opportunity in my previous persona.  I don't want to reset my counter, I know I'll feel like shit 30 seconds after orgasm.  And I so enjoy my orgasms with my wife more, they are night and day different, more fulfilling, peaceful, and no icky shame and loathing.  Also the OMG I need to clean up and act be normal for my wife soon mode really sucks.  It's nice to look her in the eye when she comes home, and not be wondering can she tell that i was acting out.....

another day -YEAH

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Yes indeed, I would say after the experience that you posted on your journal, that having a PMO orgasm would feel totally empty.  Be strong, my friend, and focus on the long term goal.

One thing I might suggest is to have your wife massage your neck and back.  It would add to the bonding that it sounds like you have already started. She may not be as good as a professional masseuse, but you will get much more out of it.  You can pay her back by giving her a foot rub.  I have not met a woman yet that does not love having her feet rubbed!

If you are interested in reading more about karezza and getting involved with a community for that, here is the place to start: http://www.reuniting.info/

Last thing I will say, and I have said it before, yes your wife will know.  She just will.  She doesn't have to catch you, look through your history file or anything else.  They just know.  We can't hide our addiction, even if we think we can.

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

So last night was the 4th night in a row that Karen and I have been together and not orgasmed.  It was a somewhat difficult night for me.

I must be pretty tense and nervous right now, there are a few things in my life that have me concerned and I think that perhaps I am still flatlining a bit (more on that in a moment).  Karen has asked me several times if I am OK and says that I look sad.  I don't actually feel sad, but I don't feel great either.  My overall motivation level is pretty low.  I think part of it is that I have over a month no PMO and as of yet, I haven't felt a significant change in things, yes, I am better, but I have a long way to go as well.

Another reason that things were difficult last night is that Karen seemed to forget that the goal is not to "not have an orgasm" but rather "not to even try to have an orgasm."  She stimulated me pretty significantly and things were closer to "orgasm denial" than karezza.  And she was decidedly trying to orgasm when I was pleasuring her.  Unfortunately this lead to a bit of blue balls on my part without the offsetting feeling of extreme bonding we had over the weekend, so this will take a little work, I think.

There was a bit of good news on several fronts, one is that I certainly had the hardest and longest lasting erection this year last night.  When I say longest lasting, I mean a few minutes, but this was one of the few times I actually felt like I was hard.  Karen definitely noticed the difference as well.  And even though we tried too hard, the bonding part of things certainly was there as well, at one point, Karen said to me with a big smile, "You know we've been having sex for over 2 hours now."  And we had, and for the most part it was a lot of fun.

Once again, when I got home, even though I was a bit blue balled, didn't feel the slightest urge to fap.  Read a bit on the karezza pages, turned off the lights and went right to sleep.  Woke up early this morning and went shopping at the farmers's market.  NoFap life is good! 

 

[LTE]

OHG,

You have a great situation. Both of you need to realize that this healing can take time. She'll be able to reach orgasm without a vibrator, but it could take months before she reaches that point. Don't worry about it; this isn't a hardness/orgasm marathon, it's about sharing and you seem to have a good handle on that as a couple.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Thanks for the insight, lte.  I do find it somewhat ironic, as Lex also pointed out that there is a bit of a role reversal here.  While not over it completely, my ED doesn't bother me that much with Karen, mostly because she keeps telling me over and over that it is a non-issue with her.  Unfortunately, I am not quite as complacent about her issues, in that I really feel I should be able to help her orgasm and do feel somewhat bad that I can't.

That is one of the reasons that karezza really appealed to be, to take the pressure and expectations off of both of us.  The nice think about karezza, I feel is that you can't really fail.  But unfortunately, when she tried to get to O last night and didn't succeed, I know it made me feel a bit bad.

I am coming to the understanding that this is a marathon, but unfortunately in real life, I was in fact a sprinter.  Going for the long haul is difficult for me, but there is really no other choice.  I want my manhood back and I want Karen around for a long time, so the long haul it is!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

A bit of a special day for me.  After today it will be a week since my last orgasm and I am halfway through my 90 counter of no PMO.  Frankly both milestones are ones I first thought impossible and have turned out to be rather easy for me.

I won't say that I don't have the idea to look at porn, but I really don't have the craving.  And while I do absent mindedly massage my cock from time to time while alone, I don't have a craving to MO, so that is good.  I just don't have the feeling I have to grit my teeth and get through the next minute.  I know that not all of you feel that way, and I am thankful for this for me.

On the other hand, I wish I could report how wonderful I feel, but I can't.  In fact, overall, I feel like shit.  My back is absolutely killing me, I don't think it is related to the no orgasm thing, but the pain is pretty intense.  So that sucks.  My motivation to do stuff is just about zero.  My dick feels dead.  I'm broke.  And for the most part, I feel kind of empty inside.  Not really sad, but not happy either.  Karen keeps asking if I am sad, so my face must not be hiding this very well at all.

I was kind of hoping for the super man feeling about now, but I guess I will keep waiting.

 

[LTE]

A bit of a special day for me.  After today it will be a week since my last orgasm and I am halfway through my 90 counter of no PMO.  Frankly both milestones are ones I first thought impossible and have turned out to be rather easy for me.

I won't say that I don't have the idea to look at porn, but I really don't have the craving.  And while I do absent mindedly massage my cock from time to time while alone, I don't have a craving to MO, so that is good.  I just don't have the feeling I have to grit my teeth and get through the next minute.  I know that not all of you feel that way, and I am thankful for this for me.

On the other hand, I wish I could report how wonderful I feel, but I can't.  In fact, overall, I feel like shit.  My back is absolutely killing me, I don't think it is related to the no orgasm thing, but the pain is pretty intense.  So that sucks.  My motivation to do stuff is just about zero.  My dick feels dead.  I'm broke.  And for the most part, I feel kind of empty inside.  Not really sad, but not happy either.  Karen keeps asking if I am sad, so my face must not be hiding this very well at all.

I was kind of hoping for the super man feeling about now, but I guess I will keep waiting.

The superman feeling make take a little longer, but it will come in time. I'd advise no stimulation of the genitals. It can only help, in the long run.