Old and Horny, Becoming a Former Fapster -- My Journal

[OldHornyGuy]

So, I have been doing quite a bit of reading about karezza and tantric sex and the like and just wanted to add my two cents. 

First, I am not all that convinced that orgasm in and of itself is such a bad thing.  I am totally not convinced that semen is such a vital fluid that if you let it out you will be "depleted."  I feel like it is like snot, if you need more your body will make it.  But on the other hand I find much to like about some of the ideas of karezza.

It was with my second wife that I came up with the idea of "naked bed time."  Don't tell my current SO, she thinks SHE came up with the idea, and that is fine.  My thought was and is that all couples should spend at least 15 minutes every day naked in bed together.  The naked and together are vital, I guess it could be somewhere else other than bed.   This is not about sex really just reconnecting and bonding.

My second and I were pretty good about this for the first couple of years of our marriage.  After a while, in perhaps a karmic twist of fate, she stopped the practice.  First she would come to bed in her jammies with her laptop and finally she started coming to bed hours after I fell asleep.  She left soon after.

In terms of orgasm, I don't know if the the alleged brain effects are true, but I do know this, in lovemaking, orgasm signals the end.  Play time is over, time for sleep (or whatever).  Karezza has no set end point.  It is like the difference between playing catch and having a baseball game.  In the game, three outs and it's over.  Catch?  Maybe when your arm gets tired.  Riding the wave for hours is quite wonderful.

The SO and I were talking about when we "started having sex," and she immediately said that "having" sex was a strange idea.  "Doing sex?" she tried for a better verb.  We finally came up with "playing sex," or even better, "sexually playing." 

Karezza is what I am calling what it is we do, even though we don't buy into the whole philosophy.  Our time together is a mixture of sexual and non-sexual touching.  Sometimes we engage in pretty intense pleasuring activity and sometimes just lie in each other's arms.  I avoid orgasm not so much to avoid "depleting" myself as I don't want play time to end.

 

[LTE]

So, I have been doing quite a bit of reading about karezza and tantric sex and the like and just wanted to add my two cents. 

First, I am not all that convinced that orgasm in and of itself is such a bad thing.  I am totally not convinced that semen is such a vital fluid that if you let it out you will be "depleted."  I feel like it is like snot, if you need more your body will make it.  But on the other hand I find much to like about some of the ideas of karezza.

It was with my second wife that I came up with the idea of "naked bed time."  Don't tell my current SO, she thinks SHE came up with the idea, and that is fine.  My thought was and is that all couples should spend at least 15 minutes every day naked in bed together.  The naked and together are vital, I guess it could be somewhere else other than bed.   This is not about sex really just reconnecting and bonding.

My second and I were pretty good about this for the first couple of years of our marriage.  After a while, in perhaps a karmic twist of fate, she stopped the practice.  First she would come to bed in her jammies with her laptop and finally she started coming to bed hours after I fell asleep.  She left soon after.

In terms of orgasm, I don't know if the the alleged brain effects are true, but I do know this, in lovemaking, orgasm signals the end.  Play time is over, time for sleep (or whatever).  Karezza has no set end point.  It is like the difference between playing catch and having a baseball game.  In the game, three outs and it's over.  Catch?  Maybe when your arm gets tired.  Riding the wave for hours is quite wonderful.

The SO and I were talking about when we "started having sex," and she immediately said that "having" sex was a strange idea.  "Doing sex?" she tried for a better verb.  We finally came up with "playing sex," or even better, "sexually playing." 

Karezza is what I am calling what it is we do, even though we don't buy into the whole philosophy.  Our time together is a mixture of sexual and non-sexual touching.  Sometimes we engage in pretty intense pleasuring activity and sometimes just lie in each other's arms.  I avoid orgasm not so much to avoid "depleting" myself as I don't want play time to end.

I don't think that it's necessarily that orgasms are bad, it's more that there's a price to pay in the form of an aftereffect and this can raise havoc for some people. My take on all of this is that Karezza is not goal-oriented, IOW, if you don't experience an orgasm that is not a sign of failure. Bonding is foremost, especially at our age when reproduction is pretty much off the table. I think that time spent together, physically joined, is a reward in and of itself. Even people with a lot of experience at Karezza occasionally have orgasms and I certainly wouldn't suggest that this is a failure of some sort. The words that come to mind are non goal-oriented.

I haven't ejaculated in over 18 months and, to be quite honest, I wouldn't mind getting off, but I'm much more interested in intimacy with someone I love. I think that Karezza is more relaxed and playful because you aren't trying to reach a certain goal. Just joining your bodies together is the reward.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

lte, I agree with you 100% that the best thing about karezza is the lack of goal orientation.  Or if you will, changing the goal from orgasm to bonding.  It's like changing the rules of the game from "scoring the most runs" to "just having fun."

And just a quick update, it is now over a week since orgasm and officially over half way to my 90 days PMO free.  Karen and I were celebrating other events last night and among many other things we had a very nice karezza session. 

One nice thing for me is that we did a little clothes shopping later and she bought a dress that simply amazing, she looks incredible in it.  As soon as she stepped out of the dressing room, I could feel the blood surging.  Didn't get rock hard or anything, but this was the first totally "non-contact" erection I have had in years, maybe decades. 

I do believe that PIED is the right diagnosis and what we are doing is the right treatment.

 

[LTE]

lte, I agree with you 100% that the best thing about karezza is the lack of goal orientation.  Or if you will, changing the goal from orgasm to bonding.  It's like changing the rules of the game from "scoring the most runs" to "just having fun."

And just a quick update, it is now over a week since orgasm and officially over half way to my 90 days PMO free.  Karen and I were celebrating other events last night and among many other things we had a very nice karezza session. 

One nice thing for me is that we did a little clothes shopping later and she bought a dress that simply amazing, she looks incredible in it.  As soon as she stepped out of the dressing room, I could feel the blood surging.  Didn't get rock hard or anything, but this was the first totally "non-contact" erection I have had in years, maybe decades. 

I do believe that PIED is the right diagnosis and what we are doing is the right treatment.

Sounds like a very healthy reaction.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Yesterday was the most amazing of days.  For once, Karen and I got up early and headed for to do various things we had been planning to do.  It was a great day, not the slightest hint of strife.  We actually got back earlier than normal, but we were pretty much completely exhausted.  I expected her to fall right to sleep during naked bed time.  I was kind of hoping for more, but would not have been disappointed with sleep either.

We both teetered on the edge of sleep for a while and suddenly she started kissing me just a bit more forcefully.  I rolled over toward her and added a bit more passion to my kisses as well.  And soon we were off on a full fledged romp.  After a while she asked me to go down on her, which I did. 

After a relatively short time, she hoarsely whispered, "I'm cummming" and then she did.  Even though we have been "avoiding orgasm" for over a week, I knew she really wanted to cum.  It seemed to be a very nice one for her.  We held each other and snuggled for a while afterwards and were once again on the verge of sleep, when she turned her attention to me.

She got me hard and then we got into our karezza position and we did that for quite some time.  Never felt close to orgasm.  But the feeling was sublime.  Somehow, once again we managed to fall asleep PIV.  I am not sure for how long, but at least a half an hour. 

Unfortunately, I woke up and had to leave the bed for a few minutes, which of course woke her up.  When I returned to bed she was lying on her side and frankly looked like a Greek goddess in the soft bedroom light.  I told her so and we snuggled and kissed for maybe half an hour.  I have never felt anything like the feelings I had while holding her and kissing her then.  Bliss is the only  word that comes close.

When we woke up in the morning, we talked about what we needed to do for the day, mostly apart unfortunately, and she noticed my morning "activity."  Things are always better for me in the morning now.  She started playing with me, mostly enjoying how hard she could get me.  It was a great feeling to be able to impress a woman with how it looks, been forever for that!

Eventually she wanted me inside her,but this time she got on top.  She was working me pretty hard and I knew she wanted to make me cum.  So, I let her.

I have to say, it was actually a bit of a disappointment.  Now, in the past I have tried to hold off for a few days to see if I could increase the intensity of my orgasms, and the first one after holding off was usually disappointing.  So that might have been it.  But I also have to say that somehow orgasming really didn't feel as good as NOT orgasming!

Now, if you had told me a year ago that I would have intercourse with a beautiful woman who was totally wet and willing and that I would not cum, I would have said you were crazy.  And to do it over and over again??  Even crazier.  But to feel that no orgasm is better than orgasm?  Totally insane.

But that is how I feel right now.

Also interesting, after I orgasmed,she was like, "OK, go ahead and get dressed and get out, I have things to do."  Nothing like the sublime feelings of last night. 

Maybe the karezza people are more right than I think!

 

[LTE]

Yesterday was the most amazing of days.  For once, Karen and I got up early and headed for to do various things we had been planning to do.  It was a great day, not the slightest hint of strife.  We actually got back earlier than normal, but we were pretty much completely exhausted.  I expected her to fall right to sleep during naked bed time.  I was kind of hoping for more, but would not have been disappointed with sleep either.

We both teetered on the edge of sleep for a while and suddenly she started kissing me just a bit more forcefully.  I rolled over toward her and added a bit more passion to my kisses as well.  And soon we were off on a full fledged romp.  After a while she asked me to go down on her, which I did. 

After a relatively short time, she hoarsely whispered, "I'm cummming" and then she did.  Even though we have been "avoiding orgasm" for over a week, I knew she really wanted to cum.  It seemed to be a very nice one for her.  We held each other and snuggled for a while afterwards and were once again on the verge of sleep, when she turned her attention to me.

She got me hard and then we got into our karezza position and we did that for quite some time.  Never felt close to orgasm.  But the feeling was sublime.  Somehow, once again we managed to fall asleep PIV.  I am not sure for how long, but at least a half an hour. 

Unfortunately, I woke up and had to leave the bed for a few minutes, which of course woke her up.  When I returned to bed she was lying on her side and frankly looked like a Greek goddess in the soft bedroom light.  I told her so and we snuggled and kissed for maybe half an hour.  I have never felt anything like the feelings I had while holding her and kissing her then.  Bliss is the only  word that comes close.

When we woke up in the morning, we talked about what we needed to do for the day, mostly apart unfortunately, and she noticed my morning "activity."  Things are always better for me in the morning now.  She started playing with me, mostly enjoying how hard she could get me.  It was a great feeling to be able to impress a woman with how it looks, been forever for that!

Eventually she wanted me inside her,but this time she got on top.  She was working me pretty hard and I knew she wanted to make me cum.  So, I let her.

I have to say, it was actually a bit of a disappointment.  Now, in the past I have tried to hold off for a few days to see if I could increase the intensity of my orgasms, and the first one after holding off was usually disappointing.  So that might have been it.  But I also have to say that somehow orgasming really didn't feel as good as NOT orgasming!

Now, if you had told me a year ago that I would have intercourse with a beautiful woman who was totally wet and willing and that I would not cum, I would have said you were crazy.  And to do it over and over again??  Even crazier.  But to feel that no orgasm is better than orgasm?  Totally insane.

But that is how I feel right now.

Also interesting, after I orgasmed,she was like, "OK, go ahead and get dressed and get out, I have things to do."  Nothing like the sublime feelings of last night. 

Maybe the karezza people are more right than I think!

I think that Karezza is definitively worth pursuing.

 

[relapse king]

can't wait to hear a reply because you just described my intimate life with my wife of 25 years. before we were married it was wild and crazy now it feels like a one way street

 

[relapse king]

sorry new here and didnt realize there were 2 pages...my reply was for the last post on page 1

cut ans paste of post

I couldn't help thinking of my wife in your situation, although very different.  I was struck by how you were able to be so close to your woman and take care of her, and your mutual patience and communication.  It is very intimate and I am hoping to bring some of that to my world.  I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but my wife is not responsive hardly at all to me sexually.  What I mean by that is all through our 17 years of marriage, i don't think she ever climaxes.  I used to think I was a bad lover.  I had lots of sex before our marriage and it was wild and I felt I was pretty good at it.  My wife was very unlike all my previous "lose" gfs and that was a big part of the attraction.  I just assumed sex would come hot and wild when we were married.  She was brought up in a conservative baptist home and we fooled around before marriage, but we definitely did not do the move in and test for sexual chemistry bit.  So after getting married sex was a big let down for me.  She was willing but it was nothing like my porn educated mind was wanting. 
So fast forward through my disappointments sexually and justification of going outside marriage in numerous ways.  I'm having affairs with woman and they are all climaxing and praising my love making skills and I'm feeling good about myself.  That all ended and now i'm with my wife only, and we're having sex.  It is good sex, but she isn't climaxing still.  And she's ok with that.  I don't think she has ever masturbated nor used a toy solo.  I've brought them into the bed and she was never into them, I've tried oral on her and she doesn't get into that nor me manually stimulating her.  So I'm getting sex when i want it, but what i really want is for this to be a mutual desire and satisfactory connection.  She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, so she is not open to getting any help for herself, although I think she has some kind of repression sexually going on. 

Has anyone else had any experiences like this or suggestions?

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Your wife does sound a bit like my first wife, different religion, but same results.  But for me that was years ago, but maybe if I knew then what I know now, our marriage might not have ended.

My first wife was also not a big sex fan.  All she wanted to do was "cuddle" (to this day, that sounds like a bad word to me!)  Which to her meant I could touch her, but things got remotely sexual, well it just ruined everything.  So, there I was a 20 something guy and if I got a hard on holding my wife, I was wrong, wrong, wrong!  Yes, it was frustrating and yes, I compounded the wrong by taking care of myself.

Taking care of myself, of course, made the situation worse.  She knew something was happening that I was not coming to bed, etc.  And that just further convinced her that sex was "dirty" and was wrecking our marriage, etc.  And trying to convince her to be "hotter?"  "What, you want me to act like those dirty whore porn stars?"  Obviously a non-starter.

As you have read in my journal here, I did find an answer to the conundrum, but much too late for that marriage.  You can start here: http://www.reuniting.info/

As I have said in other posts, I don't really buy into all the mystical energy theory, but for me, I found there was tremendous power in the ideas there.

You will probably have a long uphill road with your wife.  She probably really hates sex at this point and thinks (somewhat correctly!) that it has warped your brain and possibly ruined your marriage.  And you have to see that she probably has a point.

Here is what I found in my short experiment with karezza.  Taking orgasm off the table turns out to actually be a good thing.  Takes all the pressure off.  My SO and I both have our performance anxiety issues.  But since we are not trying to have orgasms -- no issues!  And I am feeling at this point that my week off from orgasms was one of the best weeks I have ever had.

So my suggestion to you would be, first,  get on the reboot train.  No PMO.  None.  Wipe your hard drive, clear out your history, pitch any DVDs or whatever.  If it is not real, don't let it happen.  No looking, no helping yourself.  And don't announce this to your wife.  She won't believe you and you can't blame her.  Just do it day by day.  It will take a long time to regain her trust.

Second, read some of the karezza stories on the reuniting site.  I find them very motivating.  I know you think you can't live without orgasms -- I thought that too.  But you can. Oxytocin beats Dopamine!

Third, unless you have been incredibly open with your wife, don't go in and say, "Honey, I have a new way for us to do sex!"  She wants nothing to do with sex.  So don't call it sex.  Just start with the bonding behaviors they talk about at a level that is appropriate to your wife.  One guy said he and his wife were so disconnected that he started with just being in the same room as her while she was reading or watching TV!  So start slow and reconnect with your wife -- not just sexually!

Fourth, when you are ready, start going to bed together -- every night.  If you are pretty disconnected and she is uncomfortable, call it cuddle time and keep wearing your pajamas.  If you two are more comfortable with each other, make it naked bed time.  Fifteen minutes, not about sex.  Just you and her skin to skin.  Spooning, snuggling, kissing, talking.  Every night.  After naked bed time if you want both want to put on PJs or whatever to sleep, great. 

Fifth, after the naked bed time habit is established, but that time you should be seeing some big changes.  It won't be a huge step from spooning naked to full karezza where you connect with non-orgasmic intercourse.  You'll be inside her, but you won't be trying to cum.  And you won't be trying to make her orgasm either.  Just an extension of snuggling and naked bed time really.

Sixth, you can take it from there.

It sounded absolutely crazy to me, especially since I am with a gorgeous, wet, willing woman, that not having orgasms would be more satisfying than having them.  But my experience tells me this is so.  The connection is quite incredible, and yes mystical.  It will probably short circuit your wife's religious "objections" because it isn't really "sex."  And it is the absolute furthest thing from porn!

I cannot recommend this enough to someone in your situation!

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[LTE]

Wise words, OHG.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

So, here is a conundrum I never thought I would face: What happens when she enjoys my orgasms more than I do?

This is in fact the problem I seem to face.  After ten days of orgasm-less sex, I was actually feeling pretty good.  I was getting better erections, non-contact erections and an incredible sense of bonding and fulfillment.

But my partner has said (not in so many words, but it is pretty clear) that my orgasms are a complete turn on for her and that SHE feels deprived when I don't have them!  Now it would be one thing if she wanted her orgasms and I didn't want mine, that would be pretty easy to deal with at this point, but this situation has me a bit stumped.

Now, one thing I will say, it seems from what she said that in her former relationship her ex did things to keep her powerless.  One thing he apparently did, was that if she asked for sex, he would have an excuse to not be there for her.  But when he wanted it, it was jump on, do his thing and jump off.  She was basically a blow up doll for him.

With me, she has discovered that she has sexual skills (and believe me, she really does!)  Now she takes pride in using those skills to get me off.  You might also say that she is also enjoying the power dynamic switching.  She knows I am not self servicing.  So, it is totally her that gets me off.  Frankly, karezza takes away a bit of her "power" (though I would never say it to her that way!)

So, I am in a bit of a quandary.  I want to hold off on orgasms (but still have sexual contact) but I also want to please my partner -- but my orgasms seem to be her biggest pleasure! 

It is like I am dating an expert baker who wants to show off her skills with her fabulous cakes, pies and pastries, but I am on a diet!  I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

And on the main point of this journal, I am approaching Day 50 no PMO.  I had an accidental peek about 2 weeks ago, but it didn't trigger anything further.  As I have mentioned before, I live alone, so there is plenty of opportunity for me to PMO, but honestly, I just don't feel the desire.  I occasionally rub my cock a bit (more out of habit than anything else) but usually not for long and never even close to being hard, much less O.  I really just don't feel the desire to do that and frankly that amazes me!

And once again in a bit of role reversal, my only remaining computer "secret" is posting here.  I have not told Karen I am doing so and wouldn't really want her to read this.  It is not that things here are secret so much as when she and I are talking and something comes up about a past relationship, she thinks the sexual details are TMI, and I am sure she would think that about what I have written here as well, so I don't share any of this with her.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Just another day in my life, last night she wasn't feeling so good, so we just snuggled.  Nothing new there.

I have been reflecting on the irony of my life over the past year.  At one time I would have said I was a sex addict, but here I am divorced over a year and for the most part, I can't have sex!  I have always been a bit on the shy side, but I really believe that my shyness has been added to by my ED.  What is the sense of trying to hookup with some sweet young thing when I know I can't get it up with a crane?  What is the use of having a beautiful girlfriend if the whole time I am with her I am imagining someone else?  My goodness, my brain is screwed up!

It is getting better, though!

Now, I have to tackle an even bigger problem.  I am actually doing fine on the NoFap.  I really don't have the urge or any cravings.  My PIED is much improved and probably would be cured if I were to go hardmode for a couple of weeks, but that is very difficult with Karen in my life at the moment.  I am hoping the cure will happen, even if slowly with her.

My real problem is that I am not doing anything.  I have a ton of stuff I need to do and I am just not doing it.  Day after day, these tasks stare me in the face and I just dawdle the day away.  Not looking at porn, but not really doing anything productive either.  And considering how quickly I am running out of money, I need to do something!

I have started using https://habitrpg.com which is a combination todo list combined with a role playing game atmosphere where you get coins and such for completing tasks, so maybe that will be self motivating.  I have not yet found a way to share progress and such outside of the website, although I would like to do that here to help hold me accountable.  If you check out the site and decide to join, look me up, I am cfudge60 on there.  It actually looks like a tool we could use in addition to our counters to improve our recovery.

Well, I have a kitchen to clean to earn some fake gold coins.  And then I have to find a way to earn some real gold coins!

Peace and Stay Strong!

 

[OldHornyGuy]

I am so not sure what I am feeling now.  Disconnect, failure, basically not very good.

Another night with Karen.  She got me hard for PIV, but it didn't last.  Not even hard enough for karezza (how is that for failure for you!)  I pleasured her for quite sometime and she would probably say that she wasn't trying to orgasm, but I know she was and I know she didn't.

And lately when we have been together she keeps looking at the clock like she has a bus to catch, or another guy coming in or something.  Right on time, it's "Goodbye, see you tomorrow."

She keeps saying all the right things (tonight she said she doesn't miss her vibrator a bit) but for me at the moment, I am just not feeling it.  I feel like I disappointed her twice tonight and she is just putting a happy face on it.

The only good thing is that I have no inclination to fap as I know that will only make things worse.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

 

[LTE]

I am so not sure what I am feeling now.  Disconnect, failure, basically not very good.

Another night with Karen.  She got me hard for PIV, but it didn't last.  Not even hard enough for karezza (how is that for failure for you!)  I pleasured her for quite sometime and she would probably say that she wasn't trying to orgasm, but I know she was and I know she didn't.

And lately when we have been together she keeps looking at the clock like she has a bus to catch, or another guy coming in or something.  Right on time, it's "Goodbye, see you tomorrow."

She keeps saying all the right things (tonight she said she doesn't miss her vibrator a bit) but for me at the moment, I am just not feeling it.  I feel like I disappointed her twice tonight and she is just putting a happy face on it.

The only good thing is that I have no inclination to fap as I know that will only make things worse.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Even Babe Ruth didn't bat 1,000. Don't micro manage, in the long run things are getting better.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Yes, it is another day, and yes things are certainly better than they were.  I still a bit in a funk, although when I woke up there was a text from Karen saying how much she missed me while she listened to "our song" at work.

Not ever having been here before, I don't know if I am hungover from the orgasms over the weekend, if my back is just bothering this much, if I am flatlining a bit, or of I am just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. 

But I do need to snap out of this!

 

[LTE]

Yes, it is another day, and yes things are certainly better than they were.  I still a bit in a funk, although when I woke up there was a text from Karen saying how much she missed me while she listened to "our song" at work.

Not ever having been here before, I don't know if I am hungover from the orgasms over the weekend, if my back is just bothering this much, if I am flatlining a bit, or of I am just a bit overwhelmed at the moment. 

But I do need to snap out of this!

One of the biggest features of recovery, at least for me, has been realizing that porn and masturbation are not solutions to the stresses of everyday life. If you keep this in mind and resolve to rise above whatever happens along the way then the details become less of an issue. At this point in time you have gone a great deal of the way towards breaking the addictive element of this problem. You may still have the delta fos B effects to overcome, but that's the smaller part of the challenge as compared to the initial 30 days or so, when things can be the most challenging.

What I would suggest is to give as much thought as possible to reinventing yourself. Now that you've left this addiction behind you are able to find new strengths and new interests in life. It's very much like being freed from indenture. You have the monkey off your back, now you are free to have a better life.

In my case there are several positive side effects to being free. My patience with others seems to flow automatically these days. I'm much less likely to lose patience with someone and to speak harshly. My appetite has normalized. I used to live from big meal to big meal, fasting in between. Now I eat more modest quantities and my health seems to have improved as a result. For the most part I am more calm and content. There are still problems, frustrations and challenges in my life; but I'm dealing with them more effectively than I used to.

For your situation, just look at the amazing progress you've made in less than 7 weeks. You've done wonders in healing yourself sexually. Resolve to enjoy that about yourself and try not to make any rules . . .  except no PMO. You're doing well.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

You got quite a few nails on the head there, lte.

To be honest, getting the porn monkey off my back has been surprisingly easy.  I would say that I feel "twinges" not cravings, which I know many others here cannot say, and for that I am thankful.

The much harder part has been the "reinvention" part that you mention.  Actually, I have had to stop reading the success stories, because it seems so many guys struggle with getting rid of porn and the "reinvention" just sort of happens.  I have to stop waiting around for reinvention to "just happen."

That being said, I have taken some positive steps.  My SO lost a lot of weight before she and I met.  She did so through healthier eating, I am trying to follow her lead on that.  She also walks a lot, and that is one of our favorite activities together.  I am using another site to try and generate some more positive habits, and also to be more productive and get things done.

Perhaps because of my former habit, I have felt unworthy of many things over the years, after all, I knew I was just a pathetic wanker.  There was always a part of me that was amazed when some successful person (Bill Clinton? ) was revealed as a pathetic wanker as well.  How could they be like this and still succeed?  Even when I am nestled in Karen's arms and she tells me how wonderful she thinks I am, part of me is thinking, "You are only saying that because you don't really know me."  Even when love and success find me, I don't really feel like they are mine to keep.

So, yes, I need serious reinvention -- and that for me is really the hardest part.  Getting rid of PMO has been a tremendous first step, but I have miles more to go!

 

[LTE]

You got quite a few nails on the head there, lte.

To be honest, getting the porn monkey off my back has been surprisingly easy.  I would say that I feel "twinges" not cravings, which I know many others here cannot say, and for that I am thankful.

The much harder part has been the "reinvention" part that you mention.  Actually, I have had to stop reading the success stories, because it seems so many guys struggle with getting rid of porn and the "reinvention" just sort of happens.  I have to stop waiting around for reinvention to "just happen."

That being said, I have taken some positive steps.  My SO lost a lot of weight before she and I met.  She did so through healthier eating, I am trying to follow her lead on that.  She also walks a lot, and that is one of our favorite activities together.  I am using another site to try and generate some more positive habits, and also to be more productive and get things done.

Perhaps because of my former habit, I have felt unworthy of many things over the years, after all, I knew I was just a pathetic wanker.  There was always a part of me that was amazed when some successful person (Bill Clinton? ) was revealed as a pathetic wanker as well.  How could they be like this and still succeed?  Even when I am nestled in Karen's arms and she tells me how wonderful she thinks I am, part of me is thinking, "You are only saying that because you don't really know me."  Even when love and success find me, I don't really feel like they are mine to keep.

So, yes, I need serious reinvention -- and that for me is really the hardest part.  Getting rid of PMO has been a tremendous first step, but I have miles more to go!

For me, the reinvention is ongoing. A lot of progress happens even in the first few days, but it never really stops. At six months I could see massive progress as compared to six weeks, but at one year I could see real progress from where I had been at six months. Now, 20 months since porn and 19 months since masturbation, I see much more progress. I'm definitely better off than I was even a few months ago.

What I would suggest is to give thought to who you want to become. How do you want to act towards women in general? How does the subject of porn strike you, now that you are free from its addictive lure?  You may find that the man staring back at you from the mirror every morning is a lot finer fellow than you had ever imagined possible.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

One of the problems with an almost daily journal is the lack of long term perspective, but things are much better now.  Oddly, things went about the same with Karen tonight as they did  last night.  But the sense of connection was there for me tonight -- and it made all the difference.  Of course it helps when she says things like this (not quite a direct quote, otherwise it might be a trigger ) "I don't care if you are hard or soft, as long as you let me put it in my mouth."  How did I get so lucky?

Also, and very interesting, she read me a bit from her journal she has been keeping.  The entry from a year ago today has her looking at men for the first time in a long time and wondering if she will be able to be in a relationship again and especially if she will ever have a normal sex life after her experiences.  She said she wanted to read that to me because her reality with me exceeded her wildest expectations of a year ago.  Again, how did I get so lucky?

She deserves her happiness because she did the work over the past year to be where she is today.  I only wish I had realized then (and I possibly could have, I had an ED experience a year ago) that I needed to do the work I am doing now so that I would be fully ready for her.  But she is willing for me to catch up.  Once again, how did I get so lucky?

Good night and stay strong everyone!

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

I am also an a old and horny guy.I was married  for 35 years and had a good sex life with my wife, almost up until till she passed away.I did through my marriage masturbate to mags a lot and at times got oral from hookers even after having sex the night before with my wife. Guess it was some sort of sex addiction, or just horn invests.Never had any problems getting hard, do to youth on my side. Maybe about 15 years ago, when it was almost 50 I noticed spontaneous erections not happening. I still got hard with manual stimulation looking at porn, or just laying next to my wife before having sex with her. During the last years with my wife, I was of from work on days she worked with acces to Internet porn while alone all day. I sure did a lot of Porn Masturbation.
    My wife passed away almost 5 years ago and soon after I waltched Porn on cable and the Internet almost daily. Many times I did not get so,hard, but thought that was probably due to my age.
    Three yars ago I met a lady, a widower and after a few months we had sex.it was the first time for me in about 2 years.It was great lasted many hours and I came twice, she did at least 3 times. After a few weeks of this, I started feeling guilty about having sex with her, due to me being a widower. We didn't have sex for 18 months but still dated . Last year we began having relations again, and at first I had no problem. But then I noticed although I could get hard and penetrate, I would at times loose my erection during intercousre. I went to a Dr. and was given Viagra and it worked but caused delayed ejaculation. I even tid injections but that was worse, a hard numb cock. Great for her to cum, but then took way to long for me to cum.
      During the time I wasn't having sex with my lady, I sure became addicted to porn on the inertweb and going to video chat with web cam girls.
    I know believe my Erection problems are to masturbating too much. I would frequently masturbated at home the morning after having sex with my lady. I guess at my age there are only so many times you can cum in a teeny four hour period and still get hard. It's been 5 days since I had sex with her and the same for not using porn.i woke up the last two days with morning wood although it went soft shortly after I woke. I hope to hold out for at least another day,and loo forward to making love Fri or Saturday nite.imhave been sleeping at her house, but trying to avoid sex. Glad I found this forum,as I see I am in a similar state of mind as many other men.