I think I have a problem
- Thread starter Detente
- Start date
Back with family. Still a bit tough but not as bad at Christmas. I have some appointments set up with therapists. Motivated to make changes.
It's been almost a month since my last relapse, but I don't really care about the numbers this time. I really feel something is different now. This last one, plus the holidays and my friend situation, really broke me open. Also, my job situation has settled. Like stress there, and that will help. It'll open the door for dating/relationship stress.
It's been almost a month since my last relapse, but I don't really care about the numbers this time. I really feel something is different now. This last one, plus the holidays and my friend situation, really broke me open. Also, my job situation has settled. Like stress there, and that will help. It'll open the door for dating/relationship stress.
Checking in. No real PMO temptation. A slight one at one point if I recall, but nothing major. Thinking about dating and women and relationships basically kills the motivation to PMO for me.
I met the dating coach and am encouraged. I really need someone in my corner as I put myself out there. I feel all alone otherwise. I'm also starting to see a therapist. I world like to work on keeping things in perspective when it comes to dating and the risk of letting people get to know me.
I'm chatting with two women now on a dating site, one I reached out to first, which is good.
I met the dating coach and am encouraged. I really need someone in my corner as I put myself out there. I feel all alone otherwise. I'm also starting to see a therapist. I world like to work on keeping things in perspective when it comes to dating and the risk of letting people get to know me.
I'm chatting with two women now on a dating site, one I reached out to first, which is good.
Had a first date tonight with one of the women I've been chatting with. I think we had some things in common and I was very interested in her work and approach to life, but I didn't feel a physical attraction. In retrospect she had one photo on her profile, just of her face. But it was good to get out there and try.
No PMO or temptation.
No PMO or temptation.
NewVerse said:
Thanks. No, I wrote her and said I only had platonic feelings. I'm really disappointed because we had a lot of commonalities and had done a lot of messaging up until we met. And just being out there in a date really triggered my low self-worth, self-criticism. I'm actually in a bag place even though I think she was interested in me and in that sense the date was successful.
This whole thing seems like such a mountain to climb. I'm pretty scared and lonely. Also I'm pretty sick right now.
No PMO urges, so that's good.
NewVerse
Member
Detente said:
It's rough when you build up hope in your head about someone, especially since you seemed to be connecting prior to the date. I wish I was less superficial to be honest. I let a couple good ones get away over the years, but seeing that I've had PIED with attractive women, there isn't much hope with someone I have zero attraction to.
It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself, though I understand how you feel. I Hope feel better soon
Yeah, thanks. It didn't help too that I was really sick on the date and the rest of the week. And it's funny how my perspective can change from day to day. I was in despair sheet the date and when I met with the therapist this week. Now I'm less pessimistic after listening to some cognitive behavioral therapy podcasts and thinking that if I keep with it I could make changes. And pinpointing some of my problems. Ultimately I may have anxiety about simply being myself with others, even friends. And anxiety in general may be based on a perception of danger that is inaccurate. If I could get myself to believe being myself isn't dangerous, or it is worth the risk of rejection or ridicule, that could be a big help. Similarly, with depression they say there's almost always some sort of unhelpful it inaccurate thinking involved. Anyway that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Next week I'll probably feel hopeless again and tell myself I was foolish for feeling any optimism, ha.
But I credit myself for getting out there again and making an initial effort, as well as reaching out to someone and initiating contact. And I've realized again that it's best to avoid profiles with only a single photo or face photos only. That'll guide me going forward.
No PMO or temptations to report.
But I credit myself for getting out there again and making an initial effort, as well as reaching out to someone and initiating contact. And I've realized again that it's best to avoid profiles with only a single photo or face photos only. That'll guide me going forward.
No PMO or temptations to report.
Just checking in. No PMO or temptations to report. Feeling blue right now. Has to do with my friend who started then stopped dating someone that threw me into the tailspin. One day this week she was pouring her heart out to me and I felt connected to get and sort of ... useful to her. But today back to her more judgmental mode, which in turn makes me feel I don't measure up. Not that we're dating or anything. It just makes me question myself, my interests and personality and reserved self.
I have another date this upcoming week, but to be honest I'm not all that excited. She wrote to me first. But I'm really trying to just get out there. She's got some interests in common. Not as attractive as I'd like, but at least I have more photos to look at than the first girl.
I really need to take control of my life and move it in the direction I want.
I have another date this upcoming week, but to be honest I'm not all that excited. She wrote to me first. But I'm really trying to just get out there. She's got some interests in common. Not as attractive as I'd like, but at least I have more photos to look at than the first girl.
I really need to take control of my life and move it in the direction I want.
NewVerse
Member
Detente said:
Sorry to hear you are feeling blue. It does sound at least from your posts that your friend feels a connection to you, but she's a judgy kind of person which reminds you while you are not dating her, but also makes you feel kind of shitty? Im not sure if I'm reading that correctly?
Good luck on your date. Give it a shot. You never know, especially since your expectations are different this time.
NewVerse said:
I don't know if I've explained it well. I'm too lazy to go back and read my old posts, but I might have said I thought at one point she was interested in me, but I definitely don't think so now. We met through a dating site. We've become friends since she moved to my city and in my neighborhood, and now we're coworkers. I've kind of helped her out a bit as she settles in and struggles to get connections going here, and I think I still feel foolish and a bit of a loser because she and I didn't go anywhere. And then it really hurt when she started dating someone and telling me about him, including that they'd slept together.
When he basically ghosted on her, she was crushed, and I listened to her and offered advice, and I saw her more vulnerable side. But then she was back to being very judgmental the last time I hung out with her, about the city, the people here, nightlife, coworkers, etc. Some of the things she was judgy about made me question myself, as I don't live up to her standards. And she is passive-aggressive at times, and I feel she's making digs at me, although I could be imagining things. I also feel vulnerable about her seeing me and my life -- the quality of my life and relationships, and basically the kind of the defectiveness I feel about myself, that if someone gets to know me they won't like me.
Bottom line is we just don't share the same values and interests and tempermant, and instead of simply recognizing that for what it is, I'm beating myself. And when she'd judgmental and complaining, I get more reserved and withdraw, and also realize it's just a negative vibe that brings me down. So I think based on all the above, it'll be good to pull back a bit. It's not my responsibility to get her life set up and be her sounding board, especially on dating. I can help out but it's also important to life my life according to who I am, my interests, my style.
Date #2 of 2019 is tomorrow. I'll try to go into it with an open and curious and optimistic mindset. In any event it'll be good practice.
Still no PMO or temptation.
NewVerse
Member
Detente said:
That's right, I do recall you saying you weren't a match, and I may have interpreted as her being interested, and you weren't. This makes sense. She was at least slightly in the very beginning given the way you met, but not now. Given what you have told me you may not be imagining or overthinking that she's also judging you or taking passive aggressive shots, and I would imagine that triggers certain self-worth issues you may have, but it's obviously hard to tell her intention not being there. It's probably better you know now if you are not a good match if it ever would come down to her expressing interest. It doesn't sound like she's healthy for you to be around, but again I can only go by what I read here.
Hope your date goes well!
Yeah I think if she ever expresses interest, it would be because she's lonely and wants to be with someone, not necessarily because we'd be a good fit. She's struggling being in a new city and kind of put her hopes in the guy she was seeing to help her with that. When taking about that, I really felt for her. She's revealed some of her insecurities, and that made me feel close to her and that I could trust her. But then the next time I saw her she was in her negative, judgmental mode. Also, she can be manipulative. It's best if I pull back a bit. She has other friends and family she's in contact she can lean on.
The date went well. We had things in common to talk about. The conversation didn't really seem forced. I kind of knew going in I wasn't all that physically attracted to her, and I bet that lessened my anxiety. My dating coach said to not make that a huge focus because that might develop I'd there's an emotional connection. But I don't think a physical attraction would develop here. Just getting out there and practicing and experiencing dates helps.
My counter says I'm at 61 days without PMO. No urges as I focus on really meeting someone and trying out living with self-respect.
The date went well. We had things in common to talk about. The conversation didn't really seem forced. I kind of knew going in I wasn't all that physically attracted to her, and I bet that lessened my anxiety. My dating coach said to not make that a huge focus because that might develop I'd there's an emotional connection. But I don't think a physical attraction would develop here. Just getting out there and practicing and experiencing dates helps.
My counter says I'm at 61 days without PMO. No urges as I focus on really meeting someone and trying out living with self-respect.
NewVerse
Member
Detente said:
Glad the date went well even if there weren't sparks. Sometimes I wish physical attraction was less important to me than it is. Years back I let someone get away who was on every other level as close to my soulmate as one could get, but physically the complete opposite. I always wished I could get past it, because looks are ultimately meaningless, but seeing that I have enough trouble "performing" for someone I find attractive, there wasn't much hope. She wound up hating me but I tried to make it as much about me being screwed up as possible and not her ,but she's smart so I'm sure she knew on some level.
61 days is awesome. I have actually never heard of a dating coach. Is it something that happens through therapy or a separate thing?
Damn, there's something about this friend that sets me off. She said she's got plans to meet a guy she just met tomorrow and also that she meet a "cool guy" at a networking event last night. And I got really jealous again. And feeling inadequate. Like I wasn't able to get her situated and integrated here, but these guys can because they're so outgoing, successful, etc. And I'm wondering if she's rubbing it my face, or just genuinely excited and wanting to share. Just brings up a lot of shit. Still a good idea I think to keep my distance and work on myself. And find my tribe, as she is doing.
I'd first heard of a dating coach many years ago and thought it was weird. But here I am, and I think it's a great idea, especially for men, and especially for introverted men like me. I'm not exactly an alpha male. This coach seems experienced and knows what she's talking about, and caring. The thing is, me and I think 99% of guys have no one to talk to about fears about dating, feeling inadequate, feeling hurt, ashamed, etc. I can bring that to her and my therapist. The coach also does therapy. But she's too damn expensive to see each week! And too far away anyway.
Yeah, with this recent date I really didn't feel any real physical attraction. I do think I need to lower my standards a bit, as I'm not a model either. But I can't discount looks entirely.
Did you actually date your friend, or just sort of talk about being a couple? I imagine you dated because she ended up so hurt?
Thanks, yes, 61 days is a good mark. The PMO temptation has really not been there. A better measure of success for me now may be how many dates I've been and women I've asked out this year...
I'd first heard of a dating coach many years ago and thought it was weird. But here I am, and I think it's a great idea, especially for men, and especially for introverted men like me. I'm not exactly an alpha male. This coach seems experienced and knows what she's talking about, and caring. The thing is, me and I think 99% of guys have no one to talk to about fears about dating, feeling inadequate, feeling hurt, ashamed, etc. I can bring that to her and my therapist. The coach also does therapy. But she's too damn expensive to see each week! And too far away anyway.
Yeah, with this recent date I really didn't feel any real physical attraction. I do think I need to lower my standards a bit, as I'm not a model either. But I can't discount looks entirely.
Did you actually date your friend, or just sort of talk about being a couple? I imagine you dated because she ended up so hurt?
Thanks, yes, 61 days is a good mark. The PMO temptation has really not been there. A better measure of success for me now may be how many dates I've been and women I've asked out this year...
Well I'm feeling some slight temptation today. I'm just really bored at work, sick of being single, and have Fear of Missing Out (of sex) right now. PMO by chatting online would be what I'd indulge in and justify in situations like this. I'm confident I won't, but I wanted to document this. Instead of PMO I'm going to work out.
I followed through on working out. It kind of drove out any pmo urge. I did mo, but I don't think that's a problem as long as it's not tied to p. I go from feeling very lonely and hopeless to feeling, at times, optimistic. That if I focus my dating on making a real connection, I'll find someone I click with, and my fears about being a bit of a loner, a lack of relationship history, won't be a factor. Or at least less of one. Trying to focus on my good qualities and what I can offer. Also on what I want, which is something I often don't think about, due to low self-esteem. I think people with healthy self-esteem feel is their, and other's, right to pursue why they want. Seems obvious but really hasn't been the case with me.
One positive thing is I've gotten into really good shape going to the gym and doing workout classes. That feels good.
One positive thing is I've gotten into really good shape going to the gym and doing workout classes. That feels good.
NewVerse
Member
Detente said:
I relate to this part so much. I can feel on top of the world and then be around people who will have a conversation that immediately makes me feel like a kid who was allowed to stay up late and talk to the grown ups at the party. Usually people a little bit younger than me, I get plunged down to earth and I start thinking escape which often leads me back to binging.
I have stopped worrying about flat out admitting to someone I haven't been in a relationship in quite some time. Watching people who seem to function normally, and effortlessly can be disheartening. You never really know anyone though.