AnonymousAnnaXO
Active Member
I talked to Cody today about a lot of things. I knew he was being distant ever since he posted on Facebook, and that's why I kept asking if he had been using. He hasn't. But today he realized he hasn't been talking to me. He then told me he felt that I was too protective or too helping in his recovery. I felt bad. I feel bad, I didn't realize I was being like that.
I know that I have been trying to balance my needs and his needs. My needs are well... knowing when he gets to and leaves work because that way when he sends his work internet history I know if there is something missing. I need to know who he is hanging out with (because some friends are being mean to me, and some are just going to hinder his own recovery), I want to know where because some places have posters that are provocative or things like that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I like going to places he wants to go to see the environment... Is that too much? Probably. I feel like a freaking PTSD mess.
I told him since we met because of my PTSD from rape trauma and anorexia, that he could leave if it got too bad. Well... his frustrations with me makes it seem like my PTSD from his addiction is too much. I cry, I break down, I yell, and I get paranoid and scared. I HATE it. I just want to be numb, and I want to have no emotional reaction to anything he does (whether it's good or bad) so that he doesn't have to feel either bad or angry or frustrated at me for my emotional responses... he makes me feel like I am too much and that I am too emotional and too sensitive... I feel like I have to just shut up and nod my head in agreement to whatever to keep him appeased.
I am sorry that having his friends and family hate on me has made me relapse in my anorexia, I am sorry that I don't want him hanging out with any of them until I get a chance to explain my side and get an apology, I am sorry I break down crying and can be a bit controlling out of fear... I am not perfect. I am working on it. I hate this. Some days it all feels like it's too much.
I started thinking about me and my needs for the first time since I found out. I mean I would sometimes have thoughts that would quickly leave my head about my needs, but never truly thought about what I need. I need space sometimes. I need to actually take care of myself. I need to learn how to not pick up all the slack. I need to let Cody fall. That is a big one. I take after my dad in that. He never let me fail, and that's what I've been doing with Cody. So I need to back off and let him do his recovery and focus on mine, and if he slips up, I need to be okay with that.
I know that I have been trying to balance my needs and his needs. My needs are well... knowing when he gets to and leaves work because that way when he sends his work internet history I know if there is something missing. I need to know who he is hanging out with (because some friends are being mean to me, and some are just going to hinder his own recovery), I want to know where because some places have posters that are provocative or things like that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I like going to places he wants to go to see the environment... Is that too much? Probably. I feel like a freaking PTSD mess.
I told him since we met because of my PTSD from rape trauma and anorexia, that he could leave if it got too bad. Well... his frustrations with me makes it seem like my PTSD from his addiction is too much. I cry, I break down, I yell, and I get paranoid and scared. I HATE it. I just want to be numb, and I want to have no emotional reaction to anything he does (whether it's good or bad) so that he doesn't have to feel either bad or angry or frustrated at me for my emotional responses... he makes me feel like I am too much and that I am too emotional and too sensitive... I feel like I have to just shut up and nod my head in agreement to whatever to keep him appeased.
I am sorry that having his friends and family hate on me has made me relapse in my anorexia, I am sorry that I don't want him hanging out with any of them until I get a chance to explain my side and get an apology, I am sorry I break down crying and can be a bit controlling out of fear... I am not perfect. I am working on it. I hate this. Some days it all feels like it's too much.
I started thinking about me and my needs for the first time since I found out. I mean I would sometimes have thoughts that would quickly leave my head about my needs, but never truly thought about what I need. I need space sometimes. I need to actually take care of myself. I need to learn how to not pick up all the slack. I need to let Cody fall. That is a big one. I take after my dad in that. He never let me fail, and that's what I've been doing with Cody. So I need to back off and let him do his recovery and focus on mine, and if he slips up, I need to be okay with that.