Tell wife or not?

[BuddhaAwake]

I do think if I'm going to break the news at her therapist's I will address it with her via phone and if she feels comfortable with doing it that way and if she thinks it will be appropriate for my wife to do it that way.

Here I am on the Reboot Forums as worried that my wife will find out as I was when I was surfing porn.

I also worry that my wife will check out reboot forums and see what I've written about us. She might be angry that I'm putting my/our business out there (albeit anonymously) on the Internet.

I feel so stuck in a tangled web of deceit, and feel like a giant spider is closing in on me. Part of me just wants to let all the truth fly out and if the spider gets me it does.

 

[uglyducklingagain]

Buddha I used to be a member of this forum. I left for a while because I just couldn't deal with the negativity I felt from reading here. But I wanted to rejoin to let you know that my husband is also bipolar. Being married to someone with a mental illness is in and of itself a challenge. My husband has been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember. We've been married 38 years. It's not been a constant continual use, but it's a habit he has never been able to completely kick. Hypersexuality seems to be a huge symptom of bipolar.

I'm sure your wife knows. I've always known. When you are with someone as long as I've been with my spouse, you know when something isn't right. I can't tell you what to do, but she deserves to know all of it...the whole entire truth. It's the lies and deception that are the hardest. One year out from me blowing the lid off his porn use and the only thing that has changed is that he no longer uses porn. He told me that quitting porn has been the easy part of his bipolar disorder. If it was that easy, why did it take me falling apart for him to quit? I still can't come to terms with that.

I belong to a couple online support groups for partners of bipolar spouses/sos. It has been very enlightening. It's nice for me to have a place to vent when no one else in the world understands. Your wife may want to seek them out also. I cannot get my husband to go to counselling. Hell I can barely get him to talk about it. He thinks I dwell on stuff too much. Whatever! I don't know. I guess at this point in my life I feel like I am too old to start over, so I just work on me and with what I have.

I hope things work out for you. Your wife just may be much stronger than you give her credit for. Honesty and communication are key to getting past, through and over any obstacle you may face. Good luck to you!

 

[cuppatea]

I knew something was off in my marriage as well, I had put it down to us having 4 kids in under 6 years and all the stress that entails and that we had grown apart a bit as long time couples sometimes do. However I was also blaming myself for things, feeling I had put too much into the kids and not enough into my marriage etc, I was making the relationship problems all mine and this tends to be something women do, not just me, we feel responsible for everything! I've blamed myself for my husbands porn use even though he started before we ever met each other, it's madness but it's what women do. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is if your relationship is off and your wife senses it, which she very likely does, she is more than likely blaming herself for it, even if she never ever expresses that to you. In some ways finding out about my husbands addiction has been good because now there is a reason for things being off, it wasn't in my head and it wasn't anything I had done. I'm not actually to blame for it and we can work to fix it.

 

[Gracie]

I will say that discovery is the absolute worst way to find out.  And discover it she will.  Maybe not soon but she will.  Before the "discovery" or D-day, I thought he was having an affair.  Sex was non existent.  Conversation was zero.  No fun.  No kidding around.  Staying up late because he was not sleepy.  And when he did come to bed, he would watch while I was laying next to him.  So trust me on some level she knows. 

Sit down with her in person and tell her.  Not with someone else there.  Role play different scenarios with your therapist and explore the best way.  The longer you keep the secret the harder it will be.  Imagine saying, "Gee dear I have been with my counselor for 2 years, I think I can tell you now about my porn addiction." 

Is it tough?  YES  Is it emotional?  YES  The thing that amazes me is how many men keep this secret for years and lie to not be in be in bed or having sex, and then be afraid she will be upset.  In marriage there should be no secrets.  My husband and I continue to work on this.  There will be something and I will make a comment and he will say, "I didn't want to say anything."  SAY Something.  One omission leads to another and leads to another. 

 

[BuddhaAwake]

Thanks again for everyone's advice. The more I think about it, telling her in front of her therapist seems a bad idea. With the suggestions from my "Write a letter?" post I am beginning to organize my thoughts for the letter I will give her.