23 and need to change!

[ollie90]

Hi everyone,
I have finally come across this site and hope you can all be of help! I was quite late to the whole masturbation scene but when I finally found my feet I seem to have gone into overdrive, with the aid of porn this has just spiralled. Before being in a relationship (around 16yrs) I found vanilla stuff satisfactory, but this didn't stay the case for long. By the time I was in my first sexual relationship (18years) I was already looking for harder P to satisfy my needs.

That relationship came to an end, for many reasons but predominantly due to my lack of performance in the bedroom. Comments were made when we split up about me being gay and just not interested in straight sex. This really effected me at the time and meant 3 years passed before I attempted sex with another woman.

In this intervening period my use of PMO became insatiable with multiple times a day common place. The most disturbing part is that this has now taken on new heights to involved literature of straight guys in gay porn, only worsening my fears that my ex was right all along. This grosses me out and straight after PMO I feel guilty and repulsed, but I keep going back!

5 months ago I met my current girlfriend and everything outside the bedroom is fantastic, but I just can't play game after hours. I can sometimes get an erection whilst fooling around but the minute any hint that we are moving on and I lose it! So embarrassing! This coupled with the PMO is just killing me inside. I can already tell my girlfriend is starting to lose patience and I really don't want this to happen.

I have read on YBOP.com about HOCD and it has relieved me that these disturbing fantasies are all part of the addiction - but has this rung true with anyone else and have you moved on? I feel less of man and upset that I can't provide the most important part of a relationship.

Last night she stayed over and it all failed again. This lead to chaser PMO which made me feell sick and therefore the last straw. Found YBOP and linked to here - big start! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

30 day cold turkey will be step one!

 

[knx37917]

Congrats on admitting that there is a problem.

I don't necessarily agree that sex (especially penetrative sex) is the "most important part of a relationship." Porn tells us that sex is the end-all-be-all of relationships and non-relationships alike, so we have to be aware of that. There are plenty of other things which take priority, including becoming a provider for their emotional needs and allowing yourselves to grow and truly become each other's partner. But it is certainly a big part, perhaps in some cases a necessary one, especially to those of us who cannot perform due to PIED. There is a certain sense of emasculation which accompanies it, which you,  I and others have definitely felt.

The good news is there is the possibility for change.

Have you thought about discussing the matter with your girlfriend? It might release some of the tension that you are both probably feeling while providing you with some of the psychological support you'll need in this process. Something to consider.

 

[rival21]

Hey dude I went through the exact same thing, while I was indulging in PMO every night for the last 4 years, I eventually had to watch gay porn as well just to get off which now seems very strange to me now that I did that for so long. I do not believe what genres of porn you watch determines your sexuality at all. As many guys have mentioned throughout this forum, that things that used to get them off like softcore porn or magazines just didn't do anything for them after awhile. Most people addicted to porn needed more "Extreme genres"of porn to get them off like gay or tran porn. That's all about your addiction not your sexuality. Good luck with your reboot!  8)

 

[ollie90]

Congrats on admitting that there is a problem.

I don't necessarily agree that sex (especially penetrative sex) is the "most important part of a relationship." Porn tells us that sex is the end-all-be-all of relationships and non-relationships alike, so we have to be aware of that. There are plenty of other things which take priority, including becoming a provider for their emotional needs and allowing yourselves to grow and truly become each other's partner. But it is certainly a big part, perhaps in some cases a necessary one, especially to those of us who cannot perform due to PIED. There is a certain sense of emasculation which accompanies it, which you,  I and others have definitely felt.

The good news is there is the possibility for change.

Have you thought about discussing the matter with your girlfriend? It might release some of the tension that you are both probably feeling while providing you with some of the psychological support you'll need in this process. Something to consider.

Thanks redux - you are so right about the whole sex being key thing. Actually spoke to my f2f this afternoon about it and she said she was relieved I am not so hung up about it and that she is willing to leave any intercourse attempt for a while. I didn't brave the truth that it was porn related though - just that it was ED. Do you think that's fine or is it still denial?

 

[ollie90]

Hey dude I went through the exact same thing, while I was indulging in PMO every night for the last 4 years, I eventually had to watch gay porn as well just to get off which now seems very strange to me now that I did that for so long. I do not believe what genres of porn you watch determines your sexuality at all. As many guys have mentioned throughout this forum, that things that used to get them off like softcore porn or magazines just didn't do anything for them after awhile. Most people addicted to porn needed more "Extreme genres"of porn to get them off like gay or tran porn. That's all about your addiction not your sexuality. Good luck with your reboot!  8)

You have just made this whole reboot so more worthwhile for me Rival21 - interesting gay porn already feels strange to you after 37 days! (Epic achievement by the way). How have coped with the urge to relapse and have you experienced a severe faltline like some people describe? Thanks man!

 

[coolfool]

Hi Ollie, Let me add something to what Redux said: Gay porn is not you. You don't fancy men, you NEED the dopamine release. That's the whole deal.

Don't feel less masculine because of that, Don't feel that you won't be able to have a relationship, don't feel that your addiction can control your life because It won't unless you permit it! The second you decide that you're leaving all that shit behind then any kind of porn will become something from the past.

Of course you will have to fight against cravings, anxiety (at least that's happening to me) but believe me man, I couldn't feel better now. And you know why? Because I realized that I am not that person any more. I decided to stay out of the things that perverted my way of seeing women, relationships, sex and a bit exaggerated but true: life itself. We are much more than a silly addiction.

So my advice is to leave everything, P, M and O's. If I had a girlfriend I'd tell her about this. I don't know if the whole thing but definitely that my ED is cause by P.

And concluding, For man to man. Nobody can tell you how to feel about yourself but you. If someone calls you gay without asking herself why is that happening, even if it's your ex, she's a f#ck@ng bitch man. Forget about those words, they mean nothing.

Let us know how everything goes! Ciao!

 

[ollie90]

Thanks coolfool - your comments are a huge help! You couldnt be more right she was a complete bitch and my new girlfriend is being so supportive now I have told her - the differance is incomparable.

It's has been so difficult to talk about these things and I have never told anyone before for fear of misconceptions and prejudice, I am not homophobic either, but just don't want rumours which are not true over ruling the true problem here which is this addiction. Your confidence that things will change, redux and coolfool, has already changed my view to this reboot - so grateful!

To update everyone - day one has been a breeze, I am sure this is best I am going to feel for a while! Thanks for yoursupport!

 

[skrodriguez]

Ollie it sounds like you are having a rough time of it but what better incentive to give it up than for the ability to perform with your girlfriend? Given that you are together right now I would advise you on telling her everything. The strength of a relationship is the ability of both to be honest and open with each other so I would say tell her everything and let her help you and be a close someone who knows what you are doing and can support you. It will give you a stronger incentive not to relapse and with good communication there is no need for you to feel pressure.

Your girlfriend has a right to know about things which affect the relationship as she is half of that relationship.

You've actually got everything to gain from here on in because PMOing to assuage PIED is like treating a tumor with steroids. I think the first couple of weeks will be hard but having some close who knows your difficulties and goals may really help you?

My techniques:
[list type=decimal]
[*]Get enough sleep where possible. Lack of sleep lowers emotional/impulse resistance.
[*]Start a journal to observe pattern of behaviour over time.
[*]For a month, do the OPPOSITE action of the impulse. Go for a walk and think about something else or do another activity.
[*]Know that you are going to have low points and points where you'll find your own brain trying to make you rationalise PMO. I believe that unless you know BEFOREHAND and are ready for it, that these are dangerous relapse points. There will be days/moments when you feel everything is going shit and who would know? You would know. So get it square in your head beforehand so you are ready and not caught off guard when your own mind starts playing tricks on you.
[/list]

 

[ollie90]

Thanks Skodriguez - I braved the elements last night and told my girlfriend everything about the PMO and how that has lead to ED. Was so difficult but I am so fu***ing lucky to be with her - she was so understanding, didn't freak out in the slightest and said she is determined to help me through this! Man she deserves me to be so much better than I am! Without a doubt now I have to do this - want this relationship to last!

Thanks for the top tips also mate - struggling sleeping at the moment which isn't great, but have quite a stressful time at work at the moment so probably associated to that more than anything. I have had the first urges to surf the net today - typical because I have work to do on my laptop and I'm home alone being the weekend - so decided to pack some lunch and head into the office (it's open at the weekends just not usually the done thing). Definitely no chance of PMO there!!

I am going on holiday for a long weekend with my girlfriend next week, meant to be romantic after this stressful period at work - do people think it's worth getting some pills from the doctor just this once off so I can crack through the ED? Is that breaking the reboot? It will be sex after all!

 

[ollie90]

Day 2 has passed event free - things are looking pretty drab down there tbh, doesn't look like there is life at all that's probably a good thing...

 

[skrodriguez]

Ollie I'm really happy that you spoke about everything with your girlfriend. Really happy. So now you have the support and to certain extent accountability of her but most importantly you have the type of strong incentive I would say is necessary to reboot successfully. This would depend on the person of course but I am really happy for you!

Re the pills, your choice. When I went for a plumbing check the doctor offered the typical viagra option for ED which I declined but this would need to be a personal decision. My girlfriend actually bought me this pill that had viagra in it just to try it out on me but it did sweet FA for the erection. What it did do was dialate my pupils so that when I looked at her she thought it was wild and creepy/thrilling which was hilarious. We had a ball with that. That night was so much fun. I did get it up on a couple of occasions but it wasn't the viagra in my opinion.

But I'm happy for you man...

 

[Promise]

Hey ollie90, like skrodriguez said, sounds like you have everything you need for a successful reboot; the attitude and the motivation.  Don't worry about your fella not rising to the occasion.  I've read a lot of accounts, and it's incredibly common.  As is flat lining.  It's different for everyone, some people get it early and it subsides within a few days, other people will have it last for a fortnight.  Personally I've never had a flatline, but I think our issues with P, although similar in many ways, differ in a few ways too.  Like I said, everyone's different!

I don't know how many accounts you've read, but many of the accounts I've read say the same thing about PIED; DON'T TEST THE PLUMBING (so to speak).  If you havn't had an erection for a while, don't worry about it, it's all part of the reboot process.  'Use it or lose it' does not hold true.  Everything will return in time, looking at P or fapping just to 'see if you still can' will do more harm than good.  So don't worry if you flatline and best of luck

 

[ollie90]

Skrodriguez;
Thanks man - I couldn't have done it without your encouragement and it was so placed, like I realised afterwards that if she hadn't taken it well would I have even wanted to continue this anyway with someone so unsupportive. This whole process is going to make us so much stronger as a couple in the long run. So pleased I found this forum whilst there was still a relationship to save! Truelly incentivised to succeed now!. Re the pills - I think my hope really os to just show her a good time to show my appreciation for her support - I know there are so many more important things in a relationship ect but this is obviously something which is unique and should seal the relationship, end on a high also to overcome the performance anxiety before the potential flatline. Thanks all the same skrodriguez - you have cleared any doubts if this was the right decision to tell her (sure she is grateful to you also haha).

Promise;
Thanks for reading the journal and commenting, in am reading more threads with time, I found myself wondering online today so came straight here and read some accounts - reminded me what this is all about and meantbi avoided P and the inevitable M which would have followed. I will do this reboot and your comments are most helpful!

Day 3 update:
Definitely been the most difficult day today - so hot here I decided to hang around the house commando in board shorts - massive fail, didn't realise who much I sit around with my hands fiddling around down there. Massive NO NO in the current circumstances. Been a lazy Sunday really and this is classic breeding ground for PMO. Going on a run tomorrow and getting back in the game. Other than that - no P no M and no O but Deffo no unexpected Erection either. The path has started and I am committed!

 

[ollie90]

Oh man just had an awful nights sleep - couldn't drop off for ages and then at some point in the night I remember dreaming I was fapping, so annoyed this happened how can it now be infiltrating my dreams now also! This has never happened before, never dreamt of sex or M to be honest! The best thing and most bizarre really, was even my dream self told me to stop before O - and I actually did!! Hoping this is a good thing, there was no P or fantasy that I can remember anyway. Then this morning I woke up with a semi morning wood.

Not really sure if this is good, bad or downright ugly but needed to share it - my mind is obviously very eager that I relapse. Decided I am taking myself for a jog before work - burn off some hormones!

 

[Promise]

Don't worry about your dreams, they're out of your control.  Sometimes your mind will thrash about when it thinks it isn't getting what it 'needs'.  I sometimes have porny dreams and wake up with a massive bonk on feeling like I'm close to the edge, but it's all just part of it.  When you get up, don't feel guilty, because it can't be helped!  Forget about it and get on with your day

 

[ollie90]

Day 4 update:

Thanks for the advice Promise - I sure did get up and forget it entirely. Went on an epic 15km run which completely burnt me out and exhausted all the raging hormones which left me to work is peace all afternoon. This will hopefullymean I get a good night's sleep also. Seriously felt I was going to relapse before the run so was pleased I went. Only intended to be 8km but changed my mind half way and carried on running - bit of a self challange really and it paid off, mega pleased with reaults. My girlfriend is away at the moment so glad of the distraction. Also I decided to get some pills for the holiday - at least then I have them in case, can decide nearer the time. Know what skodriguez said about them not being too good - hopefully prescribed ones will work better. Was thinking I might not go to O but who knows.

Thanks for the continued support guys!

 

[ollie90]

Day 5 update:

Can't believe I'm this far along already! It is definitely becoming more difficult though with my mind regularly wondering off to places it needs to be avoiding. This hasnt lead to anything yet as I am quick to change course, pick up a book, go on a run or come on here for inspiration. Going away with my girlfriend tomorrow onwards for a long weekend and I have never PMO when she is around, never find an opportunity tbh or the inkling to try - so hopefully that will easily spur me through to 10 days success - I am just seriously concerned about the chaser effect which has always followed prolonged time with my gf, and we all know where that leads. I have decided to accept any relief she offers, and I am able to follow up with though - this is entirely part of the rewiring to me. Need to take the opportunity to learn more about her body and pleasures also though, feel I have neglected these and are a major part of us growing together.

I hope it continues to go well for all you guys! Look forward to catching up on progress!

 

[Promise]

Enjoy your long weekend buddy, sounds like you earned it I'm sure at this point I don't need to tell you to relax, and think of it not as a performance but an experience.  If anyone has any tips about the chaser effect I'd like to hear them too.  It's always been a weakness of mine.

 

[ollie90]

Well I'm back guys - it was a great break and a perfect opportunity to strengthen the bond between me and my girlfriend. I did end up taking the pills to overcome the ED and the anxiety that has built up overtime. However as expected I am now suffering the chaser effect like never before - constantly finding my mind fantastising about porn scenes, this is unbearable! I purposefully came online to check some old haunts but always via this forum so caught up on a few journals - this has resolved me not go searching for P but to get any early night - however I just know it'sgoing to be a restless one ;s

If my mind tells me once more "only once won't hurt" then I might crack!

 

[skrodriguez]

If my mind tells me once more "only once won't hurt" then I might crack!

Ohh you will. The chaser effect suuucks on a cosmic scale. Still if you can will power the chaser effect, you'll know you're in good stead to control urges and impulses when they arise.

Just on a side note, why is the first thing one sees upon logging into their counter the option to reset? It's either a little bad faith or just tried a trusted truth of rebooting community's general need for easy access to the reset button  :-\