23 and need to change!
- Thread starter ollie90
- Start date
Skrodriguez - I darent even look at the counter, fearing so much thatbi might need to visit that reset button soon!
Promise - ah maaannn! I read your journal updates, you don't seem too cut up about it though? Hope is all ok! Small steps I suppose and the fact you are back here, and likely stronger is a huge positive! Glad to be back! Need you guys!
I woke with a solid erection this morning and went straight to porn and it turned into a proper binge - so annoyed I let this happen! I didn't MO or even M by God I really bloody wanted to. I can't go back there else I will be sure to get my dick out and fall in
this follow up urge is mind boggling - I just had two great nights away and fullfilled both mine and my girlfriends needs yet here I am desperate to fap myself into oblivion for what currently feels like a higher climax - I know this will only result in a further fall and most probably a depressed state afterwards thatbi have let everyone down!
What stage is this? Definitely not flatlining the way my dick is reacting to every tiny stimulation - is it post flatline or am I still miles off even that?
Promise - ah maaannn! I read your journal updates, you don't seem too cut up about it though? Hope is all ok! Small steps I suppose and the fact you are back here, and likely stronger is a huge positive! Glad to be back! Need you guys!
I woke with a solid erection this morning and went straight to porn and it turned into a proper binge - so annoyed I let this happen! I didn't MO or even M by God I really bloody wanted to. I can't go back there else I will be sure to get my dick out and fall in
this follow up urge is mind boggling - I just had two great nights away and fullfilled both mine and my girlfriends needs yet here I am desperate to fap myself into oblivion for what currently feels like a higher climax - I know this will only result in a further fall and most probably a depressed state afterwards thatbi have let everyone down!What stage is this? Definitely not flatlining the way my dick is reacting to every tiny stimulation - is it post flatline or am I still miles off even that?
I learned that slips aren't the be all and end all if you're making positive progress, I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing and if you slip, you should remain positive too, because the progress you've made is great. Don't get depressed, and read this thread, quick!:
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1226.0
I can't comment on the flatline, because I've never had one. The chaser effect is well documented, I'm not sure if there's an effective counter to it other than strong will and determination. I suppose thing about that weekend with your girlfriend and how that's exactly how you want to be. It shows abstinence from PMO works, so Porn is counter-productive to what you want. Stay strong buddy
and if you slip, you should remain positive too, because the progress you've made is great. Don't get depressed, and read this thread, quick!:http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1226.0
I can't comment on the flatline, because I've never had one. The chaser effect is well documented, I'm not sure if there's an effective counter to it other than strong will and determination. I suppose thing about that weekend with your girlfriend and how that's exactly how you want to be. It shows abstinence from PMO works, so Porn is counter-productive to what you want. Stay strong buddy
Thanks for the linked thread promise - I gave it a read. I can see why you are so eager to carry on now, so commendable! You are treating this with such dedication! It has also taken my mind off the need to PMO but also my anxiety that I might. The comments highlighting that 1 PMO in 2 weeks is hugely improved from 2 daily had kind of passed me by - still going to try with the abstinence and not fall back on this though. Thanks!
That little day counter is both a blessing and a curse! It's great to track your progress and see how many days you've gone, but it masks all of the other progress you've made, and boils it down to how many days you've gone. It's so important to realise that day 1 doesn't mean step 1. I've told myself that after slipping before, but this is probably the first time it's truly sunk in.
Disaster struck! Day 13 of all days! This has really annoyed me, I know the facts but it's hard to handle. I was so captivated by my progress yet when crunch point came I had to hit straight back into the hardcore porn i had left behind. I could see it coming and I knew what I was doing but I still went and PMO'd .
Obviously feeling really down now guys - if you have been here before is it worth the long road? I know I have gone from twice daily to once fortnightly and I should be happier, it's more the case that I went back to the porn i was trying to avoid - this wasn't fantasy this was full PMO. I did it twice and then got depressed with myself. Couldn't face coming on here to reset the counter yesterday, thought I could reason it away, no such luck so here I am!
Need to be more realisitic and aim for a month now. Keep doubling the successes!. If any of you guys have been following my journal I apologise in advance for the let down! You can do this and my trip is no excuse for you to follow suit! Keep going! Will see you at the finish!
Obviously feeling really down now guys - if you have been here before is it worth the long road? I know I have gone from twice daily to once fortnightly and I should be happier, it's more the case that I went back to the porn i was trying to avoid - this wasn't fantasy this was full PMO. I did it twice and then got depressed with myself. Couldn't face coming on here to reset the counter yesterday, thought I could reason it away, no such luck so here I am!
Need to be more realisitic and aim for a month now. Keep doubling the successes!. If any of you guys have been following my journal I apologise in advance for the let down! You can do this and my trip is no excuse for you to follow suit! Keep going! Will see you at the finish!
Don't worry mate, I was exactly the same! Did it twice, hit the harder stuff on the second PMO, but stayed positive and now I'm feeling great I definitely still feel as though I've made great progress, and can go on even longer without PMO.
Remember, relapse is a part of recovery, and you havn't let anyone down I guess it's a great time to put into practice what's said in this thread: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1226.0 see how well you can pick yourself up after a slip.
Also I recommend documenting the circumstances and causes of the slip, what led up to it, then making an action plan of how to avoid those circumstances, or what to do if they arise again.
I definitely still feel as though I've made great progress, and can go on even longer without PMO.Remember, relapse is a part of recovery, and you havn't let anyone down
I guess it's a great time to put into practice what's said in this thread: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1226.0 see how well you can pick yourself up after a slip.Also I recommend documenting the circumstances and causes of the slip, what led up to it, then making an action plan of how to avoid those circumstances, or what to do if they arise again.
Thanks promise! Will give this a read and hope to gain some of your positivity! Haha
Day 2 - much the same as last time however I am hating on the porn as much as before which is worrying me. It was the hatred and annoyance before which kept me going so long! A failed attempt with my GF this weekend is likely to knock me back on track (oh joy).
Day 2 - much the same as last time however I am hating on the porn as much as before which is worrying me. It was the hatred and annoyance before which kept me going so long! A failed attempt with my GF this weekend is likely to knock me back on track (oh joy).
Man, I just want to add that I went through something similar.
But, after breaking a three month's reboot, I can confirm something.
Gay porn is no longer arousing.
How much no longer arousing?
I took a viagra and watched, and watched, and watched gay porn. And I didn't get an erection.
Then I took a step further, and tried to masturbate to a few gay videos. Still no arousal/erection.
Keep it up. It can only get better. Still, resist the urge to check (saying this makes me a huge
hypocrite, I know, but having OCD can be a bitch) which is my main struggle now.
But, after breaking a three month's reboot, I can confirm something.
Gay porn is no longer arousing.
How much no longer arousing?
I took a viagra and watched, and watched, and watched gay porn. And I didn't get an erection.
Then I took a step further, and tried to masturbate to a few gay videos. Still no arousal/erection.
Keep it up. It can only get better. Still, resist the urge to check (saying this makes me a huge
hypocrite, I know, but having OCD can be a bitch) which is my main struggle now.
Hi guys! Sorry I have been away for so long - I have been going over a really rocky patch, feeling awful about everything I have gone back to and doubting my ability to continue. After I PMOd to gay porn again I felt like nothing could change. All this came as a consequence of the chaser effect in my opinion as I have used pills to over come ED with my girlfriend - this was recommended as a confidence booster by my doctor. It works and I do feel better in the bedroom and I have avoided getting more depressed - however this is all fake obviously, I think risdual substances must remain afterwards as I am massively arrosed as a consequence and not feeling so negative anymore means my mind is more willing to accept the old style porn as it hasn't damage my ego for a long time now - also as if I've forgotten the dejection of ED.
That said I am glad I am back here, you guys are the support I need. Your comments Twan are so encouraging - would you say you were heavily using gay porn before you decided to reboot? Was it the context which led you here also? 3 months is a huge achievement well done! If ever I could be in you're position I would be so happy - it is all I want from the process.
I am really keen to join a gym and use all this energy making myself a fitter person - this will hopefully make me more self confident and feel less inferior to guys who seem to have it all. I know that is probably a dumb thing to say especially as I have a loving girlfriend - I just need to be consciously aware of this daily else I will lose her I'm sure.
That said I am glad I am back here, you guys are the support I need. Your comments Twan are so encouraging - would you say you were heavily using gay porn before you decided to reboot? Was it the context which led you here also? 3 months is a huge achievement well done! If ever I could be in you're position I would be so happy - it is all I want from the process.
I am really keen to join a gym and use all this energy making myself a fitter person - this will hopefully make me more self confident and feel less inferior to guys who seem to have it all. I know that is probably a dumb thing to say especially as I have a loving girlfriend - I just need to be consciously aware of this daily else I will lose her I'm sure.
I started a part-time job during the night.
I was way too tired to masturbate when I came home.
I didn't heavily watch gay porn - a clip or two on each session, if the bottom was feminine enough - but with a lot
of trans, and some straight mixed in.
As for my last experiment, here are my times; all of them using my hand.
21:00 1:15 min Gay - didn't get hard at all - anxiety
21:01 1:20 min Het - got hard
21:26 2:00 min Gay - didn't get hard - anxiety
21.29 2:00 min Lesbian - got hard
This calms me, but it's terrible, TERRIBLE for my OCD.
Update: Sorry to say I did it again.
I watched four vids of gay porn while fapping, trying for the life of me to get hard.
I couldn't.
Then I did it with two lesbian vids, and one solo woman. I could. Not very hard, mind
you, because I was anxious as hell. But I got hard, while I was just tiny with the gay porn.
Also I spent the last 20 minutes watching gay porn, opening many tabs and watching, like a
porn simulacrum. Not only I didn't get hard. I didn't even ooze precum. I even looked away
in disgust during one particular moment. It also makes me less anxious watching it.
Bottom line: My libido is LOW because of all the anxiety. But my taste for gay porn dissapeared,
and I can fap to the old stuff. I still won't fap tho. Not ever again. I need to stop testing tho.
In short, there is hope.
I was way too tired to masturbate when I came home.
I didn't heavily watch gay porn - a clip or two on each session, if the bottom was feminine enough - but with a lot
of trans, and some straight mixed in.
As for my last experiment, here are my times; all of them using my hand.
21:00 1:15 min Gay - didn't get hard at all - anxiety
21:01 1:20 min Het - got hard
21:26 2:00 min Gay - didn't get hard - anxiety
21.29 2:00 min Lesbian - got hard
This calms me, but it's terrible, TERRIBLE for my OCD.
Update: Sorry to say I did it again.
I watched four vids of gay porn while fapping, trying for the life of me to get hard.
I couldn't.
Then I did it with two lesbian vids, and one solo woman. I could. Not very hard, mind
you, because I was anxious as hell. But I got hard, while I was just tiny with the gay porn.
Also I spent the last 20 minutes watching gay porn, opening many tabs and watching, like a
porn simulacrum. Not only I didn't get hard. I didn't even ooze precum. I even looked away
in disgust during one particular moment. It also makes me less anxious watching it.
Bottom line: My libido is LOW because of all the anxiety. But my taste for gay porn dissapeared,
and I can fap to the old stuff. I still won't fap tho. Not ever again. I need to stop testing tho.
In short, there is hope.
Can't believe I am here again resetting my counter! Have seriously slipped into a cycle where it's all too easy to justify a quick PMO before bed. The prompt is increasingly the dopamine from the last PMO and the classic "check up" after lack of attention down there!
This week is the start of my health kick though and plan to hit the gym and the running with new vigour. Although working out invariably make a me horny and desperate to PMO. Did have sex this weekend and I stayed hard enough for initial intercourse but quickly lost it, probably through excitment. Made a pact to keep off the sex until end of September now and I need to match her commitment with my own and avoid M - I wouldn't like to tell her I've avoided sex but still tripped up with M. I hope this is long enough - the reboot is killing me!
This week is the start of my health kick though and plan to hit the gym and the running with new vigour. Although working out invariably make a me horny and desperate to PMO. Did have sex this weekend and I stayed hard enough for initial intercourse but quickly lost it, probably through excitment. Made a pact to keep off the sex until end of September now and I need to match her commitment with my own and avoid M - I wouldn't like to tell her I've avoided sex but still tripped up with M. I hope this is long enough - the reboot is killing me!
I'm back - demoralised and beaten. Let things slip, lost sight of my gaol and just binged for a whole month. I have been stressed at work and PMO feels like the answer before hand but just leaves me feeling regrets afterwards. I definitely PMO less now than before I found this site, probably daily sometimes twice daily back may or June - now once or twice weekly, however it's not helped my ED my P tastes have mellowed somewhat however still far from vanilla.
This is effecting my girlfriend more than anything and she showed the first signs of frustration this weekend. She can not be blamed for this, I have been lucky that she has shown this much patience. I promised I'd try harder than ever before to halt the MO yet that lasted a whole 2 days before I regressed. I am working away from home at the moment and the hotel has no distractions.
Will I ever crack this ? Or am I destined to lose my perfect relationship? I only have myself to blame here but even the anger I feel afterwards fails to counteract the desires in the proceeding days! I aim to keep up regular posts again but more importantly read up on others successes again. Any other ground breaking tips?
Thanks guys! Sorry I doubted your support before and left you all!
my P tastes have mellowed somewhat however still far from vanilla.This is effecting my girlfriend more than anything and she showed the first signs of frustration this weekend. She can not be blamed for this, I have been lucky that she has shown this much patience. I promised I'd try harder than ever before to halt the MO yet that lasted a whole 2 days before I regressed. I am working away from home at the moment and the hotel has no distractions.
Will I ever crack this ? Or am I destined to lose my perfect relationship? I only have myself to blame here but even the anger I feel afterwards fails to counteract the desires in the proceeding days! I aim to keep up regular posts again but more importantly read up on others successes again. Any other ground breaking tips?
Thanks guys! Sorry I doubted your support before and left you all!
Hey man, good to see you back again, your absence was, to me at least, rather noticeable. I've had a bit of trouble recently too, on a count of a series of silly slips! I don't have time for a longer message as I've been working 12 hour shifts this week, but I'll make time for a proper catch up message at the weekend.
Stay strong, mate!
Stay strong, mate!
Really not able to keep this regular at all! I think the journal is the best way to avoid repeat PMO however work just gets in the way - then when I'm tired from all the work all I want to do is PMO if only for a stress reliever, but then this destroys my self confidence and makes me feel guilty there on - and my final punishment ...ED with my girlfriend - things just aren't looking up!
My gf is on holiday now for a week and I have promised I will avoid any P or M (on top of the current 6 days) before she gets back - I am already in hell ! If I am going to get through this I need ideas - be creative guys! Sitting around iscounter productive but I'm not home until 8pm most days so after dinner it can be top late for most things.
Thanks!
My gf is on holiday now for a week and I have promised I will avoid any P or M (on top of the current 6 days) before she gets back - I am already in hell ! If I am going to get through this I need ideas - be creative guys! Sitting around iscounter productive but I'm not home until 8pm most days so after dinner it can be top late for most things.
Thanks!
What I'm doing right now, I made a list of all of the reasons I don't want porn in my life, and how I'm going to get clean. I've been reading that every night, helps to keep in mind exactly why you're doing this. With the thought of being free from your demons fresh in your mind, it tends to help a little.