Prom's Journal

[Promise]

Went to see that movie with friends instead.  Was a really good movie, had a nice time ^^ still don't quite feel myself though, I feel a bit heavy and insular.  Like it takes extra effort to socialise.  My emotions are running a bit high, feeling kinda lonely and frustrated and melancholy.  I don't think Catherine is what I need right now.  I doubt we could ever be in a relationship, there's an outside chance we'd be fuckbuddies, and as a friend she's just too distant and unreliable.  A fuckbuddy would be nice I guess, but it's just more stress and hassle than it's worth.

I'm not saying this in a defeatist way, I think pining over her and pursuing it would probably be the easy thing to do, moving on is the right, and probably more difficult thing to do.  I just need patience and time.  I don't need to get flustered that I don't feel perfect.  The reboot takes time to work, and comes with ups and downs.


Edit: Now I'm feeling the biggest craving I've felt in a long time, and some of the old thoughts are trying to enter my head and get me to relapse.  I think this might be the chaser.  I'm gonna have some food, go to bed and watch a review of the movie I just saw, because those are the things that I enjoy.  I don't enjoy PMO.

 

[Promise]

Journal Entry, Day 22 no P

I don't feel good today.

Melancholy, ennui, frustration.  Was working and I just felt exhausted and miserable and fed up.  I don't know whether I'm genuinely just not enjoying my job/unable to get to grips with it, or if I'm just having terrible feelings caused by withdrawals.  And I don't know if my bad feelings are genuine or caused by withdrawals.  If they are withdrawals I dunno if they're chasers from the O I had yesterday or whatever.  I dunno if that O set me back or if it was an okay thing to do.  I supposed it's academic really, because I ain't gonna PMO now.  Even though the past 2 days I've been having harsh cravings, the likes of which I havn't felt in a while.
I think it's all a chaser from that O, and I don't think it set me back much, as it was fantasyless and just relaxing, but I'm going to try and continue without Ming for as long as I can.

I feel like I'm falling apart today, and several things are just weighing on me at once, making me feel like shit.  Didn't enjoy work today, feel lonely and frustrated, feel physically tired.  I think these feelings will pass if I give it time though.  Withdrawals usually do pass relatively quickly.

I'm also thinking a bit about this M I had yesterday.  I still maintain that it was a healthy enjoyable thing, but do I really need 90 days of pure celibacy (assuming I don't have a partner) for the reboot to be successful?  If I hit the 90 day mark having M'd 3 or 4 times, would it have been for nowt?  My answer to that question would be probably not, but what do I know?  Maybe I'm over-thinking it.  But then again, maybe the views towards masturbation on this forum are (understandably) overly caustic.


I think I'm going a little crazy recently, need to relax, and cool down, don't get so stressed out about work or stuff in general.


Things I'm grateful for today:

• My friends and family.
• My bed.
• Nothing to really worry about, I'm just an over-thinking crazy person.

Hopefully soon I'll have some headspace, so I can think and look forward again.  I'm gonna stay strong, we're gonna stay strong.

 

[Promise]

After a little discussion with jkkk, I decided to reset my counter and attempt the 90 days hard mode.  I don't feel too discouraged, as I don't think it can be classed as a full relapse.  In fact the fact that I've managed to go 2 days fighting the chaser effect is encouraging.  I know I can do this.

 

[fox_hole]

sorry to hear you been having the internal struggles of late prom. hang in there.

 

[Promise]

Thanks Dog_Hole, since yesterday afternoon I suddenly started feeling a lot better again.  I felt the same in the morning, but now I'm okay.  I knew the withdrawals would pass.

I'm happy to say I think I managed to overcome the chaser effect, which is a victory in it's own right

 

[Promise]

Day 3:

So today I kinda feel like I'm dealing with a lot of my old demons; worrying about my kinks, getting urges, getting flashbacks, noticing women on the street and involuntarily looking at them.  I'm wondering if my O began the cycle all over again.  W/e I'm staying strong.  Am having a conversation with my friend about body types though, and it's getting a little raunchy

 

[Promise]

The convo kinda got carried away and I got carried away and saw a few images.  Then a few more.  Was stupid of me, but oh well.

 

[Promise]

So!  After a legendary 48 hour binge, I'm back now.  Gonna stick to the formula that was working before, reading my reasons for quitting every night, and going hard mode, no P or M.  No fantasy at all, about relationships or sexual fantasy.  No staring at women.  Monk mode for as long as need be.

I did begin to see some results before, it was slowly working, up and down.  Now I've felt okay today, and finished my training at my job, got a few bits and bobs done, but I've been stressed, and this evening my paranoia has crept back.  Tis a horrible feeling, but I know what causes it.  PMO causes it!

I'll be back every evening this week I'd imagine.  Stay strong people.  Much love.

 

[Promise]

Day 0:

Had a nice day today!  My friend called me up about 10am and asked if I wanted to help out with some filming, and play a new board game he acquired.  So did that, then went to the pub for dinner to celebrate a friend's birthday.  It's worth making the effort to get out there and be with your friends.  That's one of the aims of my reboot, to put the effort in with my friends and show them how much I appreciate them.

After my relapse I'm feeling more socially awkward, anxious and uncomfortable, I can feel it, but I'm not going to let it bother me too much, because they're just emotions.  Can't be helped.  Having patience and sticking with the reboot is what I'm focusing on.  That and my life.  Any of the other shit, the emotions, the paranoia, worrying about my triggers, kinks and all that... I'm just not wasting any time thinking about it anymore.  It's counter productive.  I'm also not worrying or thinking about sex and relationships.  I'm giving my mind a complete rest from it.  I was thinking about asking a pen pal if she wanted to meet, but that's the extent of it.


Tl;dr  Had a nice day, feeling unpleasant effects of pmo, using patience to ignore them and sex to help reboot.

 

[jnv]

Hey Promise. Sorry to hear about your relapse but glad to see that you are back on track again! Taking this challenge and not giving up is already a victory!
Keep up to hard work man!

 

[Promise]

I ain't never gonna give up!  I'm always getting stronger and smarter

 

[Irvin]

That's the spirit Promise! You only fail when you totally give up. Everything else is progress.
One question though: Does wet dreams' orgasm count as a relapse? Or a orgasm with a girl, does it affect negatively on the recovery? It has nothing to do with porn or imagination..

 

[Promise]

Anything that occurs when your sleeping is totally out of your control.  As such you can't be held accountable for wet dreams, and they don't count as a relapse.  The point of a reboot is to rewire our sexuality away from porn and porn fantasy and towards real partners.  Getting intimate with a woman you care deeply for can only strengthen your reboot.  Like you say though, when you're with her, you have to be in the moment, no off away in porn fantasyland.

What I will say though, is beware of the chaser effect.  Sometimes when experiencing orgasm, even in a healthy way, such as with a loving partner, you will experience chaser withdrawals and cravings.  Doesn't always happen, but it's something to watch out for.

 

[Promise]

Day 1:

Read my little reasons for quitting dealy again.  Reading that nightly during these early stages helps I find.  I recommend anyone reading this to write down all the reasons you don't want porn in your life, and all the ways you're going to quit and post it in your journal so you never forget why you're doing this.

Had a nice lazy day today, played lots of the new Borderlands, did a teensy bit of housework and had dinner with my family.  I probably should have worked out at some point today, but I'm not gonna beat myself up for taking a day off :3

I mentioned earlier how my paranoia has come back a little bit.  Like, what people would think of me if they knew where my addiction took me.  I've done some stupid things, but I know I'm a good person, and since I started this journal I've made a real effort to leave that part of me behind.  I will admit, my relapses have sometimes taken me to places I'm not proud of, some things I'm embarrassed about, but nowhere as dark as when I didn't even know I was an addict, degrading and shocking places.  Sometimes I'll be with people, and the thought of what if they knew where my endless quest for novelty took me and I get a very unpleasant pang of paranoia.
Well I'm happy to say that my thoughts havn't gone that way for a long time, I've had no desire to re-tread those routes.  I mentioned in an earlier journal entry how I was watching a review of the movie 'the cell' which has some disturbing imagery in it, and how it actually made me trigger, and I was so shocked at the things I was seeing.  As a rebooter, I could actually look at these things objectively and understand how troubling these things would be if they were real, and how I want these things to have nothing to do with my sexuality.  So I feel positive that I can leave these things behind for good, and look forward in life.
I know despite what I may have seen that I am a good person, I know this, and pornography is one of my deepest regrets, taking me to places that really don't, and never truly have represented my sexuality.  I don't have to be paranoid, because my paranoia sets me looking backwards, it is a fantasy in itself, whereas I need to leave my porn addiction in the past, and look forward to the future.

I think PMO compounds bad feelings, manifests and amplifies them, and it's something we need to be wary of.  As rebooters, we experience a concoction of terrible emotions: anxiety, paranoia, ennui, depression, jealousy etc. and they are almost all brought about by PMO or dopamine withdrawals.  That is why you must recognize these emotions for what they are, and not let them get on top of you, not let them bum you out, because if we lend legitimacy to emotions that are apparitions of our addiction then we are suffering needlessly.  Allow your emotions to simply be, let them arise, calmly and objectively observe them, and allow them to dissipate naturally.  Until we're rebooted, our emotions are likely to go haywire, and knowing how to deal with them is essential.  This is natural, these are withdrawals, learn to love them because it shows you're doing the right thing.

Strength and love to everyone.

 

[Promise]

Day 2:

Felt a little bit better today.  had a bit of social anxiety and paranoia, a bit of awkwardness, but was okay!  Was a pretty good job today.  I got my sweat on, feel like I should probably have done some exercise, as I havn't done any in almost a week, but I rather didn't feel like it.  Played some Borderlands and spoke to friends instead.  Now I'm off to bed!
I know I can make it

 

[Promise]

Day 3:

I was so tired today for some reason, even though I got a decent amount of sleep.  I felt like garbage, had quite a lot of withdrawal feelings.  But I'm balancing all those emotions, just focusing on what's important, staying patient with the reboot, because many of these negative emotions are manifestations of my PMO abuse.  Something that isn't so good is that having these feelings whilst at work makes me concerned that I'm not enjoying my job.  Sometimes I like it, sometimes I hate it, but I think when I hate it it has a lot to do with my mood, which has a lot to do with withdrawals.

 

[fox_hole]

Hang in there Prom. Work can suck no matter our headspace, but if you got the body/mind struggles it's understandable that it's a bit rough. Strength to ya man, keep maintaining!

 

[Promise]

Day 4:

Thanks dog_hole, all these elements exacerbate my stress a little.

Still getting withdrawals, my mentality sucks, and I'm concerned about my triggers.  Seemingly nonsexual things will give me that familiar trigger twinge.  Could be the time of year but I feel kinda drab, craving comfort, craving sex all day, feeling a bit of ennui.  Just feeling insecure, not about myself, but like... it's hard to explain, feels like I don't recognize my own life.  I suppose with my new job it has changed a fair bit recently, and it's all taking a while to get used to.
Something else happening at work, we've been given 13 weeks probation, and after that is up we're expected to be able to go out in 2 man teams.  Everyone is in agreement that that isn't long enough, but we have to deal with it.  So I've got to shape up rather quickly, because it could make things rather difficult if I'm a second man, I'll have to be bright and work extra hard, and I think it goes without saying that withdrawals makes our moods and energy levels... unpredictable.

So in summary, a little stressed, relatively strong cravings, anxiety, paranoia and ennui.  These are withdrawals.  We'll pull through.

 

[Anders]

Could be the time of year but I feel kinda drab, craving comfort, craving sex all day, feeling a bit of ennui.  Just feeling insecure, not about myself, but like... it's hard to explain, feels like I don't recognize my own life.

You know, I've noticed that myself. The darker nights start to bite and the depression of it all makes the desire for a dopamine hit really strong. I guess the depression associated with relapsing into oblivion is going to be much bigger so you gotta hold on as much as you can. It's a challenge.

 

[Promise]

Day 6:

Yeah, things can really weigh on you.  I think when you're going through withdrawals, everything is amplified, and it can feel like lots of things are weighing on you.

In other news... hooooooooorny >.< my mood has improved a fair bit the past couple of days, but I havn't had the energy to exercise in a week, and I feel so horny tonight.  Tomorrow I'm off to comiccon, and I really like pretty ladies in cosplay, so it might be a difficult day in one respect I'll make sure not to allow myself to gawp, but I think it may be stressful.