Prom's Journal

[jnv]

Promise! Slap you in the face and get back on track right now! You know you can do it since you've proven several times in the past that you could do it. All of us know that this fight isn't a straight line but rather a rollercoaster so you maybe are in a bad period right now but a reason to forget all the experience you gained through fighting for months. It's not time to give up and throw all your progress away. The more you struggle, fail and manage to come back, the more you understand how important this fight is for your life.

 

[Promise]

Thanks for the kick up the keester, jnv.  I feel like I'm back on the wagon and determined again.  It seems to be a pattern, I'll go a week or two without, then binge.  Well I'm going to take it one day at a time, and keep in mind why I'm doing this.

 

[Promise]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_42pge4QeLI

This.  Just this.

Fucking fuck these cravings, let's fucking do this!

 

[Promise]

Just gone 7 days again within the past hour or so!

Things are going okay.  Doing a nice bit of socializing, keeping busy, doing lots of hours at work still.  I'm doing okay keeping clean this week, but I get cravings every now and then, and I'm finding it really difficult to ignore them and move past them.  I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to go 90 days and kick this habit.  I do want to break free now, and be rid of this affliction, which is keeping me going, and I know a reboot will help me improve my life.

I remember that it all gets a bit easier after a while, and the withdrawals become fewer and far between.  I just need to stay strong, go through the pain for a while.

At points today I've been in such a terrible mood, feeling bleak and stressed, mainly about my career.  I'm very happy to have a full-time job with good work, but I don't  know if it's what I want to do.  My lack of clarity on what I want to do with my life frustrates me.  I hate feeling ennui, I hate withdrawals and cravings.  I really don't like being an addict.  There's only one way to stop being an addict, but it's so hard

I'm going to try and keep going though, try and push through.  Strength and love.

 

[fox_hole]

Hang in there Prom. Remember do do the things that have worked in the past. Whatever helps. Walks, contacting someone, writing here. It does pass and you know on the other side of it you'll be so much happier if you maintain the course you're travelling on. Strength to you man, see you on the otehr side!

 

[Promise]

Thanks for the support, Dog_Hole

I'm feeling a tiny bit more confident in my ability to abstain now.  All cravings pass within a short time, one just has to focus on each day as it comes.  I went for coffee with a friend today, then went Christmas shopping.  It left me feeling really good inside ^^ it's nice to just feel genuine contentment.

That's what I want, to be able to connect with people and draw enjoyment from it.  For me, that's what life is all about, other people and the experiences we share.  Without PMO flooding my system with dopamine, I'm able to appreciate and enjoy this so much more.  That's why I don't want it in my life.

 

[fox_hole]

Awesome

 

[Promise]

Just a little post.  I find it helps to post here to get over cravings.  Had a minor craving, but staying strong.  Remembering what life is all about!

 

[recidivist]

Good job, keep it up! 

 

[Anders]

We're all behind you Prom. I know you'll be back on the wagon again. Stay strong.

 

[Promise]

Thanks, Anders.  Had a bit of a shocker, you may have noticed

After 2 weeks, I went out with some friends.  Had a couple of drinks, which is my biggest trigger.  I just can't drink and abstain, it makes it sooo hard.  It was all compounded by crippling loneliness.  I just spent the day playing video games and fappin'  Don't act like you ain't impressed by my high-score of 7!

Seriously though, I'm still happy about the direction my life is going, and I havn't lost sight of what's important, and why I'm doing this.  I don't consider my progress to be lost, I'm ready and eager to keep going.  We're all behind eachother.

I've also changed my counters to reflect a short term goal.  Ultimately 90 days, then porn free for life is my goal, but in the short term, 3 weeks is do-able.

Strength and love!

 

[readytobefree]

You've got a great, positive attitude @Promise! Before my current streak I had a massive binge session.. It was hell but I'm through it now but I know what you're writing about. Get those 3 weeks man!

 

[Anders]

Dig deep

 

[Promise]

As always, thanks for the support, guys.  Been on and off lapsing all week.  Sometimes I let myself be talked into it by my scumbrag brain, other times I was craving comfort.  Had some work related stress, just did it to forget about things, but we all know this isn't an appropriate response to stress.  Before now I was feeling pretty good about myself, but after this week I feel downtrodden, self-conscious, and not the man I should be.

I'm still craving, but I hate feeling how I've felt tonight, not in the moment with my friends, but worrying about pmo, not allowing myself to just be happy and enjoy the day.  That said, I did have a lovely day, I just feel as though I've lost my way a bit the past week.  Even though I'm craving that comfort and that dopamine hit, I'm not going to do it tonight because I hate the way I've felt today.  Gonna pick myself up and get back on the horse, back to loving life, back to confidence and motivation.

 

[recidivist]

I know how you feeling, what I did after my last relapse, was that I wrote down all the (obviously bad) things I felt after relapsing and now I am planning on reading the list whenever I feeling like givin in to my urges.

 

[Promise]

I havn't tried that yet, I've just written a list of my goals and sometimes read that.


So as my tracker will show, I've been sort of on and off over Christmas and the week before.  I guess I didn't have a whole lot of willpower, but the desire to get clean is still there.  Had a moment of weakness earlier where I felt crummy and started browsing pictures on a site, looking for lewd ones.  In the end all I saw was a few non-nude and one thumbnail, but I don't think it's worth resetting.  I just thought to myself that there's something more constructive I could probably be doing with this time, then I got up and walked away.  Started preparing some ingredients for dinner instead.  Then I just rationalised how I felt.  I'm feeling crummy because my brain is craving dopamine, and it tries to get it by rocking the boat anyway it can.  Then looking through photos, trying to tease it with dopamine just exacerbates any feelings.  The way to make the most out of life, and to ultimately beat my addiction is to starve it out.  I need to remember everything I have learned, and try to stay strong.

I'm going to repost something I said a week ago, that's really important, I feel.

Thanks for the support, Dog_Hole

I'm feeling a tiny bit more confident in my ability to abstain now.  All cravings pass within a short time, one just has to focus on each day as it comes.  I went for coffee with a friend today, then went Christmas shopping.  It left me feeling really good inside ^^ it's nice to just feel genuine contentment.

That's what I want, to be able to connect with people and draw enjoyment from it.  For me, that's what life is all about, other people and the experiences we share.  Without PMO flooding my system with dopamine, I'm able to appreciate and enjoy this so much more.  That's why I don't want it in my life.

I so want to defeat this thing now.  One day at a time.  Remember what life is all about.

 

[Promise]

I've been away from the forum for a while, been busy, and didn't really feel the need to post much.  I had quite a difficult time with my addiction from the Christmas period to about two weeks ago.

Since then I managed a 16 day streak of abstinence, and here's an observation:
- When I was in the midst of addiction, I felt uncomfortable around people and triggered on strangers in the street all the time.  I felt like less than a full person, like half a man.  I craved solitude and didn't want to see my friends.
- After 2 weeks of abstinence I felt stronger, calmer, wasn't triggering on people in the street anywhere near as much, could control my triggers on things like facebook, and I felt like a full man.  I felt useful.  I just felt better.  I also felt more like seeing my friends.

Part of what helped me get this streak was an accountability partner.  A friend of mine agreed to be my AP, so if I relapsed I'd tell her, if I was craving I'd talk to her, and she'd help me take my mind off it.  She's been so helpful to me.

So last night I was so amazingly horny, but it felt more like horniness than cravings.  I didn't look at any P, but I did fantasize about someone I know.  Still, I think this process goes faster with abstinence, so I'm gonna try and get back on track regarding that.
I'm going to make sure to stay alert for the next few days, as I tend to get pretty bad chaser effects.  Still feel pretty good today, but I'm gonna keep talking to my AP, and remember how much better I feel without P.

Strength and love.

 

[Promise]

As predicted, the desire to watch P was strong.  Those familiar feelings were trying to tell me that I'm missing out, that there's a treasure trove waiting for me, but I know it's a trick.  Ultimately it always leads to dissatisfaction.  Made it through the night, now gonna work on making it through the weekend.

Counter-intuitively, my life is more satisfying with abstinence.

 

[Promise]

Unfortunately I let my emotions get the better of me.  Best thing to do now is dust myself off and carry on.  Loneliness and frustration were the cause of my lapse, I almost felt owed.  Which is silly, because the only thing P does is set back.  Another trick the brain plays.

It is best to deal with ones emotions and feel them, not try and numb them.

 

[Vincent]

At some points in my life there was a limit to what I could take and to what I could go further. Every time I reached that limit, everything seemed to crumble. I felt helpless. I felt senseless. I felt so frightened that I looked for help everywhere only to realise that nobody could help me. At those times the thing what helped me the most was a change of environment, a moving out of my comfort zone. I then did the thing I so much don't like: I went somewhere alone. No Media, nothing to do. Just me and the world. I forced myself to think about my problem in a situation, where I felt most dire the need to escape - because the public eye frightened me, I felt vulnerable to all of them.

But after some time without a shell I realized that there was no reason to be frightened. I then saw what, being there all the time, was my solution: face it, embrace it, subdue it and leave it behind.

This is what I do every time I feel like heaven is coming down, air is getting scarce and when I am so frightened. Because I am not weak - I only think that I am - because I don't really trust myself to be able to do it. But I am.

And so are you.
Do the most uncomfortable.


There is a saying I really really love and try to adhere to with everything:

If there is one thing at this moment that you really don't want to do, do exactly that. Because the things we don't want to do are most often the things we need to do.


Promise, you can do everything. Jump back on and fight the things in front! We are with you!