My husband and I are doing well, we have settled into this 'new' relationship. It is no where near what we both wanted when we took our vows thirteen years ago. It is better than it was when he was masturbating to porn for five years of our marriage, but we don't lie to ourselves - it is no where near what it could have been had he not made such terrible choices. I am just not one of those folks that will lie and say we have a "better marriage because of what we went through", just that we have 'a marriage' because of our commitment to try to make something of the rubble that was left after porn.
But, now that we are settling into a new normal, there are some things that I miss:
1. Intimate connection - I still have an almost cosmic connection with my husband. One example - the other day I badgered him about what he was wearing before he left for work. His shirt was a bit wrinkled and that generally isn't him. He relented and changed his clothes then headed off to work. Low and behold - he had no idea he was being honored at an event that day. Had he went to work in his wrinkled, unkept get-up he had on that morning - he would have been mortified. I normally don't obsess about his clothing, but I just could not let him leave the house like that on that day. This happens quite a bit, when I feel strongly about something for him, it generally turns out to be true. This happened even through our disconnection due to porn. I would reach out to him - sometimes through email, before every single escalation. I would be pleading with him that something felt 'off' and we needed to talk and if he couldn't talk to me, maybe he could talk to someone. He used to have a similar connection with me before porn. He would know if I was upset or frustrated, just be able to 'read me' a lot better than most people. I was hoping he would regain that connection once he was free from porn. Sadly - it has been over eight months since he last viewed porn and still - that connection isn't there. If I don't explicitly state exactly what I am thinking or feeling - he has no clue. I miss having someone on this planet that truly "got me" that was truly connected to me in a way that we didn't need words. I makes me feel even lonelier because it seems like we will never regain the connection both ways. I can still look at him and read him, feel him, connect with him - but that connection back to me is pretty much nonexistent.
2. Depth - wow, my husband and I used to have some really fun and deep conversations. We could discuss everything from religion to string theory. Those conversations dwindled as he got further into porn and by the time it escalated to d-day, we hardly talked about things beyond the needs of the children. Again, I was hoping that depth would return. Unfortunately, it hasn't. We do talk, but only about things that are a pretty shallow, especially compared to the levels of conversation and analysis we used to have. To try and bring some variety into our conversation my husband recommended reading a book together and discussing it. The first book we tried I was absolutely shocked. He could hardly follow it. I almost hate to say it, but it was like communicating with someone that had suffered a traumatic brain injury. His short term memory appears to be shot, so following along with a complicated storyline that has several major characters or elements that have to remain distinct in the mind is difficult for him. I have no idea what wiring got crossed in his mind, but that ability to analyze and pick things apart is completely breaking down for him. I even see it with things for the kids. My kids are into the Percy Jackson series - which is all about Greek gods. Of course, there are scores of gods and my kids are happy to discuss each of them as well as the additional layer of demigods created for the book series. You have to be able to keep each god and their powers separate as well as understand some of the complicated relationships. This was something my husband would have been able to in the past. Now, when the children talk he looks and me and says, "Do you have any idea what they are talking about." Yes, I do and I can't understand he doesn't.
3. Genuine fun together. When my husband and I got together, we genuinely enjoyed each others company. We liked a lot of the same things and even picked up new hobbies over time. Things were even going okay when he first got in to porn. But, when things really escalated the last two or so years of his addiction - we drifted apart. With all of our attempts over the past eight months, I still cannot say I have had a genuinely good time with my husband. The things we used to do together just don't feel quite the same and trying to develop new hobbies and have new experiences with each other keep falling kind of flat. One example - when we were engaged we took some ballroom dance classes together and really enjoyed the experience. As part of our marriage reboot, we thought - hey, lets do that again. Ugh, didn't work out well. I couldn't look him in the eyes as we were dancing, something that is a big part of ballroom dance. I just didn't feel right, because I was am still trying to deal with all the lies he told me while looking me in the eyes (he told some big ones to keep porn before d-day). We started with a male teacher and that worked out. But, the teacher had a schedule change and we had to move to a female teacher - and you can guess how fun that was for me. Nope, I really don't want my husband recovering from masturbating to whatever kind of crazy he found online to be hugged up with a young, petite woman getting lessons in lots of sensual dances. He didn't try anything, but it didn't feel right - I didn't feel our marriage reboot was in a strong enough position to have that happen. I guess what is really interfering with fun is that everything has to go through the filter of porn. Will this be a trigger for him? Will it be a trigger for me? Will it put us in a bad position? We can have all the fun in the world with the kids, but whenever it is just about the two of us - I have yet to find myself laughing and smiling and genuinely happy when I am with him.
I guess I am coming to terms with the idea that my husband has been permanently changed by the experience. I am accepting the new reality the same way I would accept if he had suffered a stroke or a brain injury that permanently altered his personality. He isn't the same guy I married and honestly, if this was the guy I met all those years ago - I would not have dated him, let alone married him. I am crying even writing this, because it is the most honest I have allowed myself to be in eight months. He is still a nice, sweet guy, he is a really good dad, and he is trying very hard to be a good husband. But this guy, the guy he is today, just isn't my "type". I think it would be easier to accept if this change came from a medical condition or an accident, but to think this change came from jacking off to porn is unreal. When I first read YBOP and I read about how porn addiction re-wired the brain - I thought I understood it, but it didn't really dawn on me what they could mean long term. We I first read about guys rebooting, there were all these stories of men getting "super powers", being more sensitive and aware and emotionally open. I was hoping against hope that my husband would be one of those guys, that was able to re-find all those things about himself that porn had stolen. I was hoping he would be one of those guys that could re-find their soul. Sometimes I just look at my husband, I try looking into his eyes desperate to see passion, to see emotion, to see a sparkle. Instead, it is almost like looking at someone on the autism spectrum - where they want to feel, want to connect, want to experience true and deep human emotion, but they just can't reach it. Sometimes when we are talking, I see his eyes moving, like he is desperately trying to figure out what emotion he should be experiencing at the moment, trying to figure out what he should be feeling - but it just isn't there. Not even just with me, even with the kids he just isn't "feeling", he is doing - he is doing a ton, but he just doesn't seem to be connecting in any emotional way.
Sigh.
But, now that we are settling into a new normal, there are some things that I miss:
1. Intimate connection - I still have an almost cosmic connection with my husband. One example - the other day I badgered him about what he was wearing before he left for work. His shirt was a bit wrinkled and that generally isn't him. He relented and changed his clothes then headed off to work. Low and behold - he had no idea he was being honored at an event that day. Had he went to work in his wrinkled, unkept get-up he had on that morning - he would have been mortified. I normally don't obsess about his clothing, but I just could not let him leave the house like that on that day. This happens quite a bit, when I feel strongly about something for him, it generally turns out to be true. This happened even through our disconnection due to porn. I would reach out to him - sometimes through email, before every single escalation. I would be pleading with him that something felt 'off' and we needed to talk and if he couldn't talk to me, maybe he could talk to someone. He used to have a similar connection with me before porn. He would know if I was upset or frustrated, just be able to 'read me' a lot better than most people. I was hoping he would regain that connection once he was free from porn. Sadly - it has been over eight months since he last viewed porn and still - that connection isn't there. If I don't explicitly state exactly what I am thinking or feeling - he has no clue. I miss having someone on this planet that truly "got me" that was truly connected to me in a way that we didn't need words. I makes me feel even lonelier because it seems like we will never regain the connection both ways. I can still look at him and read him, feel him, connect with him - but that connection back to me is pretty much nonexistent.
2. Depth - wow, my husband and I used to have some really fun and deep conversations. We could discuss everything from religion to string theory. Those conversations dwindled as he got further into porn and by the time it escalated to d-day, we hardly talked about things beyond the needs of the children. Again, I was hoping that depth would return. Unfortunately, it hasn't. We do talk, but only about things that are a pretty shallow, especially compared to the levels of conversation and analysis we used to have. To try and bring some variety into our conversation my husband recommended reading a book together and discussing it. The first book we tried I was absolutely shocked. He could hardly follow it. I almost hate to say it, but it was like communicating with someone that had suffered a traumatic brain injury. His short term memory appears to be shot, so following along with a complicated storyline that has several major characters or elements that have to remain distinct in the mind is difficult for him. I have no idea what wiring got crossed in his mind, but that ability to analyze and pick things apart is completely breaking down for him. I even see it with things for the kids. My kids are into the Percy Jackson series - which is all about Greek gods. Of course, there are scores of gods and my kids are happy to discuss each of them as well as the additional layer of demigods created for the book series. You have to be able to keep each god and their powers separate as well as understand some of the complicated relationships. This was something my husband would have been able to in the past. Now, when the children talk he looks and me and says, "Do you have any idea what they are talking about." Yes, I do and I can't understand he doesn't.
3. Genuine fun together. When my husband and I got together, we genuinely enjoyed each others company. We liked a lot of the same things and even picked up new hobbies over time. Things were even going okay when he first got in to porn. But, when things really escalated the last two or so years of his addiction - we drifted apart. With all of our attempts over the past eight months, I still cannot say I have had a genuinely good time with my husband. The things we used to do together just don't feel quite the same and trying to develop new hobbies and have new experiences with each other keep falling kind of flat. One example - when we were engaged we took some ballroom dance classes together and really enjoyed the experience. As part of our marriage reboot, we thought - hey, lets do that again. Ugh, didn't work out well. I couldn't look him in the eyes as we were dancing, something that is a big part of ballroom dance. I just didn't feel right, because I was am still trying to deal with all the lies he told me while looking me in the eyes (he told some big ones to keep porn before d-day). We started with a male teacher and that worked out. But, the teacher had a schedule change and we had to move to a female teacher - and you can guess how fun that was for me. Nope, I really don't want my husband recovering from masturbating to whatever kind of crazy he found online to be hugged up with a young, petite woman getting lessons in lots of sensual dances. He didn't try anything, but it didn't feel right - I didn't feel our marriage reboot was in a strong enough position to have that happen. I guess what is really interfering with fun is that everything has to go through the filter of porn. Will this be a trigger for him? Will it be a trigger for me? Will it put us in a bad position? We can have all the fun in the world with the kids, but whenever it is just about the two of us - I have yet to find myself laughing and smiling and genuinely happy when I am with him.
I guess I am coming to terms with the idea that my husband has been permanently changed by the experience. I am accepting the new reality the same way I would accept if he had suffered a stroke or a brain injury that permanently altered his personality. He isn't the same guy I married and honestly, if this was the guy I met all those years ago - I would not have dated him, let alone married him. I am crying even writing this, because it is the most honest I have allowed myself to be in eight months. He is still a nice, sweet guy, he is a really good dad, and he is trying very hard to be a good husband. But this guy, the guy he is today, just isn't my "type". I think it would be easier to accept if this change came from a medical condition or an accident, but to think this change came from jacking off to porn is unreal. When I first read YBOP and I read about how porn addiction re-wired the brain - I thought I understood it, but it didn't really dawn on me what they could mean long term. We I first read about guys rebooting, there were all these stories of men getting "super powers", being more sensitive and aware and emotionally open. I was hoping against hope that my husband would be one of those guys, that was able to re-find all those things about himself that porn had stolen. I was hoping he would be one of those guys that could re-find their soul. Sometimes I just look at my husband, I try looking into his eyes desperate to see passion, to see emotion, to see a sparkle. Instead, it is almost like looking at someone on the autism spectrum - where they want to feel, want to connect, want to experience true and deep human emotion, but they just can't reach it. Sometimes when we are talking, I see his eyes moving, like he is desperately trying to figure out what emotion he should be experiencing at the moment, trying to figure out what he should be feeling - but it just isn't there. Not even just with me, even with the kids he just isn't "feeling", he is doing - he is doing a ton, but he just doesn't seem to be connecting in any emotional way.
Sigh.