Hi, thanks for the PM. One day, a few years ago, after dedicating myself to quitting and failing for about 14 months, "failing" being PMOing to a porn scene on my laptop that had absolutely nothing to do with how I viewed myself sexually, how I wanted to be sexually, I finally said enough is enough. And I quit. What I learned along the way is, quitting porn addiction is a very small thing in my life overall. Porn addiction was part of my life, but, ultimately, it was only a part; it did not define me. When, after one year I had not gone back, I realized it was time to live my life. You are 65 days in. I really did not consider myself "quit" until 120 days. Gabe Deem, the guy who created rebootnation, counts his freedom from after 9 months. If you have HOCD it is because, over years, you have numbed yourself to other things. Understand that porn and sexuality are different poles of the planet; they look alike, but in reality they are completely different realities that give up satisfaction for completely different reasons. Porn addicts, in reality, don't really want to engage in the scenes that, by the end stages of the addiction, are the only scenes that will trigger them in reality. One of the key aspects of porn addiction, aka dopamine addiction, is moving through the categories. We start with vanilla porn, something in which we think we see our own sexuality, but that becomes numb to us, then we move on to something more hardcore, and more hardcore, then elements of aggression enter the picture, then violence, then shame, then submission, then, some, "jump the tracks" because whatever they ended up at no longer triggers, and they start to watch things outside their gender preference. Thus, HOCD. By the way, this does not even have to do with true gender preference, this has to do with having numbed the pathways that worked for us before, and, having numbed those pathways, needing to find a new, novel, shocking, even disturbing pathway that gets through the callused areas of our brains sexual response center. In that process we move further and further from the porn we, in the beginning, empathized with. I don't want to start a flame here, I am sure there are gay guys who watch porn because they identify with it but...I also know, from experience here, there are a lot of otherwise straight guys who start hitting gay porn after they have desensitized to every genre of straight porn out there, including a lot of really fucked up stuff that probably is not accurately described as straight. They need to have a category called "really deranged and fucked up, but the only thing left before gay porn that will trigger decades addicted porn addicts who on some level still identify as straight."
Don't get confused about what you are and what you are not. You are a hardcore dopamine addict, and you have numbed the natural ways you get that high via High Speed Internet Porn abuse. 65 days? Good start. But that comes years after the abuse began. It won't take years to get back to normal, but it will take at least months. 90 days is not necessarily where you get back to normal, but for most of us, it is where you start to feel back in control. Give it that last month, you are almost there. My advice: get out in the world, mingle with people, even if you have to fake it, pretend that you like it. Find someone to help and help them. Do something for someone else. I don't care if it is carrying the groceries of an elderly person to their car, do something outside of yourself. I say again, do something outside of yourself. Extend yourself. Reach out. Take a chance. Make yourself vulnerable. Re-engage with reality, even if it slaps you in the face or pours cold water over you--and it will. Part of quitting is filling that void with something else. If you don't fill that void with something else you just have a void. Go hug a tree, go for a hike, ride a bike, run, hit the gym, read a good book, join a book club where you actually have to interact with other homosapiens. Go for coffee with someone and talk to them about anything. Porn abuse is the most solitary, isolating, of vices. Part of taking the cure is doing something you, I, and every other porn addict is terrified of and hates; interacting with others. I often tell people you have to get out of your comfort zone, but that really is not enough; in reality, you have to move into your discomfort zone, and learn to like it. Sort of like learning to love withdrawals.
They don't call it the hard 65. They call it the hard 90. You have more time to put in. But don't put it in passively. Get out there. Porn is the ultimate detachment from reality. Part of the cure is re-engaging with life, with reality. You need to find a group to join, a club, a team, find a group of people who pick up trash at the local park and go pick up trash. Or something like that. You get the idea. Do something. I hope this does not sound pollyannish, but it has worked for others. The thing is, nothing in the world will give you the high that dopamine can. So, if you are waiting around to find a replacement, give it up. It won't happen. On some level, we will always miss it. OK, so we will miss it from time to time. It is not like we lost a loved one. It always only did one thing to us: It fucked our lives up. That is the only thing porn ever did for us. Dude, it is time to quit looking backward and time to start looking forward. Ok, so here is the obvious truth, which I hate saying, and which I hated hearing myself, which I hated hearing from others, and which I hated admitting to myself. I hated these words, but they are the truth, they are the things our parents tell us and we hated our parents for telling us. But our parents were right. If you don't like where your life is, what it is, who you are, change it. Change it. You can change it. I know, sometimes the truth sucks. But it is the truth. Although the essence of overcoming dopamine addiction is quitting porn, quitting porn alone is not enough. You are going to have to get out of the dugout and onto the diamond. I know, I hate me for saying it too because it is such an obvious truth, and I sound like such a parent talking to a child, but I am not. I am a recovered porn addict talking to someone who, I have absolute confidence, will also be a recovered porn addict. Go find a crowded place and walk through the crowd. Once you get through that cringworthy moment, turn around and do it again. These are the people you have been avoiding via porn. You have many valid reasons for not engaging them, but, now, for you, it is time to join them. It is time for you to get back in the game. Even if you lose. Get back in the game. Life is not just about self satisfaction. Life is about experiencing victories and defeats. Like is about throwing a punch and taking a punch. Don't be afraid of a split lip. Get out there. "There" is real. Porn is counterfeit, fake, and will never happen to you in real life. Get out into real life. This is my advice.
