Dan F. - Comitting to the journey - Enough is enough

[Dfletch07]

@IAddict - Glad I could be of some assistance to your journey man. Feel free to reach out if there is anything troubling you that I can help with. Not an expert, but may have an outside perspective to assist.

Day 21+ - Forward progress

Well things went well with Jane on Friday and that has been a strong encouragement as I progress into the weekend. Still no signs of reboot reconditioning as of yet though. Yes, I am no longer in a fog, lethargic, constant fatigue, and/or lazy. I have, like most, increased my fitness exercising, nutrition, social components, and time management as I have this refined focus.

I still look forward to seeing those natural male reactions though throughout my day. Seeing stuff like a prevalent lasting morning wood, unexpected erections, arousal to unexpected provocations, or that true sexual libido passion vs a dopamine withdrawal. I try not to pay attention to those, because they can be stumbling blocks along the way; difficult to explain that in my eyes...just a self-understanding by trial & error.

This weekend should be entertaining though and again places some weight on my shoulders. Jane took to our encounter well and was pleased (obviously after our last two encounters). We have been planning this for a month+, but she has a half marathon outta town and she asked me to go with her for the weekend. It would be a longer encounter together of us two and will involve things like alcohol and ideal multiple desired encounters. Not like I need an extra assistant to PIED through drinking for "whiskey dick"

Alright, time for a little focus on the actual PIED topic and my thoughts of late.
1.) Am I rushing back into the scene too soon... real sex is talked of being a "spark to the flame" and assisting the jump start necessary.
2.) Am I overlooking something and not giving it the respect and patience it deserves?
3.) Even now, after that encounter, I feel that long recovery time necessary between sessions; weird to admit that (sounds old).
4.) I have noticed that I am not constantly focused on sex throughout the day. It is a pleasant feeling and helps recreate that novelty effect in my mind I would say.

Insanity - defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Guess it is time to quit being insane with this approach hoping it will fix itself and keep "spicing" the routine up and adjust correctly.

Take care gentleman,
-D

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 22+ - Running my pace

No new philosophic thoughts today, but I am running my race as usual. I feel fortunate to have the encouragement from real sex which I encountered on Thursday. A beat to my heartbeat and drum to look ahead and just keep my head down and press my fight forward. I wasn't thrilled to see where I was at, but I also recognized that SOMETHING was positively happening in many areas. It is the first time in a while where I haven't sought to seek out porn out of addicted lust and desire. Sure I appreciate the look of a woman or admire the beauty in things outside my perverted mindset after training it for so long.

Open thinking on present thoughts. I am unsure of my rational on Jane yet. Some random moments I feel like I am in a kayak just riding the current and seeing where she takes me. There are times where self-doubt seeks in... a gut feeling like she is setting me up for failure before dumping me off. The sensation that I am being played until a suitable backup plan comes along.

I have only talked to Jane and one other lady about PIED since saying enough is enough. Am I the only one that believes that women don't understand it? Like they themselves as women think an erect penis just magically appears out of thin air or what we say is absolute ludicrous and preposterous? I find it frustrating because saying this is just a habit is a load of bulls$%&... Yes it is a habit, thank you for recognizing that obvious concept (I will just stop now and all will instantly stop failing!!!)...Now lets look past that and recognize the root of the issue and figure out how it can literally be removed.

The answer to that can be summed up in two words, like most things in life that take time and diligence...integrity and dedication. No use bullshitting to us on here if you need assistance. We are your biggest cheerleaders, mentors, brothers in arms, and listeners.

So if in your journey of suffering you find freedom from this curse, as it may be. I wish you a pleasurable suffering and persistence to find the light at the end of that tunnel and do everything you can to remember why you started this in the first place. Only you can answer that question.

-DF

 

[KW1989KW]

You bring to light a lot of things people think and most times don't say. Happy to see you are looking at things in a positive light as this is what gets us through the journey.

As for Jane, I feel that some woman don't understand what this journey is really all about. I often think of this too with "Sarah". I feel like we are in a rock and a hard place when it comes to talking about this to them. Sarah used to say that this was my fault.....Okay yes, but "NO"! We were never educated to understand that this was a problem or was going to be a problem. She admitted herself she watched P. It just didn't have the same affect on her as us. Honesty and communication are key in this situation yes, but it also takes a bit of support and understanding from the opposite sex. It really does! Educating them in the process is hugely important because everyone thinks differently. Some people can watch P and have no real affect on their physical well being. Where on the inside those people are really struggling mentally. Some have watched P and are suffering the physical side. Mentally they know what they want, but can't use their men to show it. This comes to that sex on a pedestal thing you've mentioned before. Sex has become this end all be all in life where no one focuses on the true meaning of a relationship. (LOVE) True passion for one another which then leads to passionate sex. That is what I long for.

I will say this though, there are woman out there that understand our issue completely. My close friend is a girl and I asked her to come talk with me one night because I was really down. She had asked what was up and I explained everything to her. She looked at me and cried. CRIED. Hugged me and said she will be there for me whenever I needed her. She understood. She listened. She helped me and is still helping. So with that being said, there are good people out there. It's who we choose to open our feeling up to!!

Keep your head high for you are on the right path. Your positive thinking and attitude towards fixing this is admirable. You will succeed and there is a woman out there that is going to appreciate what you are going through.

Best of luck and keep trucking,

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 24+

Well I guess I am 4 days away from celebrating of kicking a bad habit, wooo (that is a joke...)

Was talking to a buddy today and we correlated our own struggles in our walks of life to the relevance of porn. I really wonder at times how much it effected certain circumstances and decisions, but after a while I shrug it off and remind myself it is the past.

Things are going well and my work ethic in many aspects of life are going up. I am definitely not on edge as much, but am sensing that possible valley effect of my flat-line. Most men talk about it like a depressed maniac time and moment in their journey, but to be honest I am actually driven, focused, socializing, productive, and so much more. Don't get me wrong, it does bum me out that I am not getting as much life as I like down there. I yearn for those natural signs, but try not to hang my hat on them everyday.

Here is to another day and the adventures of Dan. I have a weekend get away with Jane that I am looking forward to and don't know what to expect. That is an exciting part to realize because I have stopped setting expectations. I think many can relate.

Well just standing by one day at a time for now.
-DF

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 26+

Weekend trip with Jane has me excited yet worried. Everyday I feel her test our situation... my gut feeling or insecurities potentially. I get this ominous feeling that my replacement is being pursued right now. Its the details in the small things that add up and make things obvious.

Focus back on my PIED, things are feeling better and I am definitely focused, energized, and attentive to other things. I have been focusing on the positive things in my life to say the least. It is more a reflection on life than the matter. Having that "Eor (Winnie the Pooh)" mentality just promotes PMO and honestly makes life suck...Sorry Eor, but you gotta go! Control what you can control and that is you. Reality check for myself, people do shadey shit in life (you have before D) and dumb actions (so have you D!).

This is not an adventure for her, it is for you, your future, and your happiness. Toughen up gentleman, we are on a journey for a pursuit of happiness (ha!). Yes the end goal is to satisfy a woman, not "the" woman; something worth recognizing.

Best of luck and words of wisdom... Do not test it with your hand, test it with her hands .

Bottom line is this, if it isn't gonna work...drop it, leave it, and carry on. I look forward to my weekend with Jane and if she wants to drop the successful benefits

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 29+ - Successful fun weekend; grind on and be courageous.

Had an amazing time with Jane again this weekend. I know she did as well and that was uplifting in itself to strive for adversity in this trial. It is a constant reward and encouragement to the recovery which I appreciate her a lot right now and I don't take likely. I have definitely been keeping an optimistic viewpoint on the situation even though I am unaware to what our situation is if being honest. We are a friends with benefit situation yet both of us recognize the "restrictions" to being exclusive. She definitely is a relationship caliber woman and my ideal woman though.

Ehh... what can I say guys, I feel fortunate compared to the stories I have read. I do not look forward to the possibility of this friendship ending potentially, but if it does I will tough out the fight. My hat is off to you guys that hold your urges at bay and desire a true release from your partner. It is funny how bigger the rush is when feeling the orgasm in that moment; causes me to shake for a solid minute and the sensation throughout the body, brain, and physiologically is awesome!

Discipline...
Patience...
Resilience...
Grit...

Find what motivates you and for me it is to live a better happier life. I love porn guys, but loving it had ruined my mindset. I want more and there is much to go... Things are confidently better for me and performing well. I am a firm believer that sexual interaction with a woman is a quicker remedy to the situation. The doubts and fears are recognized, but you gotta step up the plate with your bat and put it to use (punny...).

I am open to talking, providing feedback, and listening... support helps, even if from a stranger. That stranger may understand you better than some of your closest friends because they have been there and have lived it out too. Get connected and figure out what your weaknesses are in the matter.

-DF

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 30+ - 1/3 way there on a 90 day journey and with success showing already.


Noticed failures still
...Morning wood is off n on
...libido isn't kicking in strong yet, but is coming around.
How have people noticed the difference is my question? Could I be stimulating those same circuits even with real sex this early on? I have given up PMO and have only had real sex. Sadly I have done PMO for 15 years and don't fully recognize the difference between that dopamine urge and my libidio.
...Erections; maybe 80-90%
...Second+ rounds are difficult in performing, harder to get an erection/orgasm.

If following my story, part of me wants to apologize as if I am bragging about Jane. Just being honest of my sex life and recognizing the benefits it has helped in the early stages.

I have noticed my memory recall and long term memory to come back stronger and quicker when challenged. I always used to be lost in that fog moment and struggle to pertain things in the moment. It isn't phenomenal yet, but there is progression.

Sexual endeavors, I have been confident in my early stages to at least try. The biggest reason I can do that is because of opportunity, but because I have confidence in myself that I will and can step up to the plate. My past sexual experience also has taught me how to pleasure a woman outside of using my "member."

That being said, I feel like my days of early stage with Jane is about to come to an end. The real trial and struggle will begin, but I am confident in finding someone else if it comes to that. I hope not, there are definitive feelings on my part, but we shall see. I have been placing distance between myself and her since returning back. We shall see if it works and hopefully my light shines brighter. If not, "ladies, I am on the market!"

Pleasure Gentleman and Women,
-DF

P.S. for the ladies, you all are awesome if you truly provide support in this moment. I know there is relevance to how you all can utilize this knowledge/wisdom to help your man/partner. 

 

[KW1989KW]

Never need to apologize for reflecting on your own experiences through this reboot. There are a lot of people who can probably relate. Thus helping someone else out and BOOM the domino effect is in play.

In my own experience through this reboot I feel as if the change is when you stop focusing on that urge to watch P throughout the day and you start to want sex only when you want it or need it. This is when we start taking control of our minds from our old habit of wanting/ needing to watch P to focusing on reality. That I feel is a true change. Just my thought on it as the reboot continues.

I am in the same boat with the dopamine and libido difference. Maybe as the reboot continues we will understand it more clearly.

Good luck Sir,

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 35+ - Busy weeks, help minimize hang-ups

Not much to report in this busy week. Slightly down cause there is some palpable tension between Jane and I, but not letting it keep me distracted to the cause. It reminded me that this isn't about her and I want it for me.

Really hate that emotional separation, amplifies the reminder of needing to work on other categories of my life.

Hope all is well for everyone. I need to shift my focus so I can write some further encouraging posts for you all reading this.

 

[KW1989KW]

Keep your eyes on the prize and take Jane as a stepping stone in the right direction. Without the emotional attachment we feel for someone, we wouldn't know what feeling is. It allows us to determine what we actually want and not want in life. This is a perfect opportunity to amp up your reboot and come out of it stronger. It is the only way to succeed. When you are feeling down reach out and talk to someone. I can't tell you how much it helps. Or turn that emotional detachment/ anger/ sadness into your workout or meditation. When the memory of her arrives just replace it with a different thought and let it go. For example when I think of Sarah and my night of failure, I instantly think of rain. Why rain???.... I have no clue, but it works! I replace the memory with a thought of something completely unrelated to the person, thought, memory, instance and it just goes away.

All the luck to you!

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 37+ - The midway marathon section.

I have adjusted my focus well these past 2 weeks. It is funny when you have tried and failed, failed and tried, and tried and failed again... of how much you just get sick of that cycle and want it to change.

My mood has been down, not due to flatlining I believe, but more a emotional dullness. I think one thing that this long term PIED has effected me in is the simplicity of a basic thrill to get me excited for things in life. I had a talk with a friend yesterday and he was just proud yet jealous of me. He looks up to me as a mentor and applauds me for what I have in life and it is easy to take it for granted. Many of my friends are married, broke, addicted to something different, and live a basic life. I demand better of myself and things don't get me excited like I hoped it would when attempting to adventures. Ever get the sensation you need to go skydiving just to see if you produce adrenaline or can get that heart racing; that is me right now.

Good news is - I have been getting myself involved in other things that distract me from sex; hard to do regardless in today's society. My energy is immensely going up and things are feeling physically better week by week. I need to watch some more videos to refresh my mind of things; symptoms to pay attention to. Things like morning woods are off and on; nothing worth jumping out of bad celebrating to and be a 12 year old kid again.

Bad news - Getting too focused and impatient on wanting results (Hey... what-a surprise, I joined the 99.9% of us going through this adventure). Recent adjustments with maintaining a sexual partner has placed his toll on my mindset.

Things i'm focusing on and letting them distract me...

-Work (Always something to do)
-Graduate School (A grind, but something to strive for class by class)
-Guitar (I enjoy it, just get frustrated quickly)
-Working out (Helps for 2 hours of the day)
...Rock climbing, triathlon training, and functional body weight training
-Planning summer vacations (That is always exciting)
-Socializing - Look around for activities, people, groups to hang with, and investing back with others.
-Volunteering(?) - Just need to do so

Adjust your mind and it will adjust your life...

-DF

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 43+ - Man I am getting lazy on these journals; sorry everyone.

Well my focus has daily turned toward myself. I was bold this weekend and went out solo and felt content in what I was enjoying. Jane and I are still up and down, but I decided to do me and focus on myself. If she wants to play this dancing game with me and play coy; dance by yourself and I will find another to appease my time.

While out and about I felt pretty good, but same time apathetic. I was proactive in going out, but I didn't capitalize on the matter. During my time at a jazz bar, I met two ladies that were eyeing me the whole time, but I was completely "beta-male" and non-approaching to their body language gestures. I was taking up space near the band and an elderly couple came in asking if a chair was free next to me. I politely said that I was getting ready to leave and they could have my own. The two girls noticed and gestured me to come over. It was reaffirming of who I am and what I have to offer; yes people do recognize me.

Long story short, we had phenomenal conversation and I grabbed the phone number from one of the ladies, but didn't pursue anything that night. The one who gave me her number was drunk enough and I didn't want to babysit her throughout the night.

My focus is to put myself out there. Sexually I know that I am beginning to function, but there is more to go. During this time frame I have to give myself the opportunity to fail and meet others. LIFE WILL NOT CHANGE IF I WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO DO SO! GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!?!?

I am pissed at myself, but realization is a strong step in the right way. I am not looking to find my future spouse, but I look forward to women desiring my valuable time and me not wasting mine on others.

Change and development... Change and development... This porn addiction crap stops and what it has plagued me over the years in doing. I love what I see, but it effects my true passions and lifestyles too much. Why settle for crap when the real thing isn't ideal, but a reality. Be safe everyone, don't settle for mediocrity.

-D 

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 47+ - Porn???

Well we are over the hump to say the least. This journey has been enlightening as I progress through it. I started this journey with the focus of eating right, working out accordingly (serious regiment), enlightening my perspective, allowing myself to fail with women, and accepting that this isn't natural for a man of my age and physique.

It has been fulfilling and relaxing to have a woman like Jane along the journey, for her I am forever grateful as I do this. Being with her has enlightened me to a lot of insecurities about myself, but she has released the tension. It is still not perfect between us sexually, but it has gotten better with each encounter. I encourage you all to find someone who is willing to work with you, she is my unicorn to this ordeal. Things are not perfect between us and my doubts sink in as they always have done before. Control your emotions guys and don't make assumptions...

What am I still noticing as an issue?
1.) Erections aren't full out stiff
2.) Still marginal amount of morning woods
3.) Sensation touching still takes a while
4.) Libido(?) - That is under investigation, ha
5.) Sexual Recovery - Still takes a while between rounds...
6.) Still no random day erections???... hmmm

What am I seeing as a benefit and progressing?
1.) Confidence
2.) Energy
3.) Memory, holy cow I can recall shit like it was a second ago; Jane has loved me for that - "You actually listen unlike other guys!!!"
4.) Sexual healing, I am now capable in maintaining standing erections and have sex while standing unlike before; that is a huge win for me I feel.
5.) Sexual stamina - Pacing myself and relaxing has allowed me to enjoy the act longer; partially due to practice some might say too.
6.) No longer in a fogs
7.) I have imagination again, which is awesome!!! I have let go twice a MO of Jane and I. I wouldn't say I feel guilty, but do question whether it made me relapse at all. It is a slippery slope of allowance... that part bothers me, because I can feel my body encouraging me to try it again... again... and again.

Where do I want to go from here?
1.) Self-Reflection
...Life, purpose, drive, determination, and passions.
2.) PMO free to 90 days - Goal #2 after Goal #1 was 45 days.
3.) Find focus on other things beside SEX in life!?!?
...No wonder the guy never wants to respond, ha
4.) Friendships - Quality not quantity.
5.) Relationship(?) - Unknown
...The desire to have one is ideal, but not at the act of settling; take off the rose tented glasses and recognize the relationship outside of sex (You all have seen it before or even lived it; bad relationship...)

 

[KW1989KW]

Dfletch07

You are making a lot of progress it looks like. Good for you. I like how you break down your issues, benefits and goals. It will help a lot of other people understand your position on things and how you are improving them. Focus is huge in this reboot. We tend to fall off that wagon as the time goes on. Getting back on it is key. I also want to thank you for guiding me through some woman stuff. You made that clear in your post about going out on your own and just getting the girls number without any expectation of taking her home. This makes a big difference in the approach with woman. I will try this here out.

Still noticing as an issue:

2) Morning woods started to get better around the 50 day mark. They come and go as they please. Some mornings nothing, some with okay erections, others with uncontrollable ones where I wish I was laying next to a woman... HAHA. All I am saying is this will come and go as I have noticed it within my own reboot.

4) This is still up in the air for me as well. I am nowhere near what I felt when I was a teen or early 20 year old. I have yet to be intimate with a woman yet since the reboot so maybe that will change.

6) This is a tough one. I read a post a while back talking about how we are switching our minds to only have erections when we need them. I remember prior to this reboot getting so aroused during the day over the thought of P. Now we are training out brain to not think of P, but the real thing "when we need it". I did find myself sporadically getting erections during the day when thinking of past relationships, but have found my focus is no longer on thinking of woman through the day, but my work. (STAYING FOCUSED) It's something I have had to understand myself.

Benefits:

I can relate to you on almost every one of your benefits. Which is pretty awesome.

7) MO'ing, I mentioned once in a journal I did this as well. I do remember feeling a bit guilty, but also happy because I wasn't doing it over P, but the thought of someone real. The allowance part I can agree with you on. I have MO'ed once after that day which was after my 90 days. I try to stay away from it though in hopes the reboot/ refocus can be better. I also noticed a bit of a relapse after doing it. Part of learning here right??!!

Keep up the good work man.

Best,

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 54 - Where you been bro???

Well, the confirmation is hard (punny), but still a random check in balance. Not much I can update on beside that it is helping.

My reasons to the thoughts...
1.) I am neglecting porn or observing it and only allowing the natural thing, which is sex. Jane is becoming more and more appealing, won't lie.

2.) The erections during our intercourse is natural feeling now, but still can tell it isn't "there" yet.

3.) My memory, attention, focus, reaction, and energy are through the roof.

4.) I have energy and determination to work out, find what you do. Now this was never an issue prior as I rock climb, do triathlons, and naturally stay active. Yet, now I WANT to go workout, I WANT to push my limits, and I WANT to have fun doing those.

5.) Sensation wise for the man downstairs, tension and stress in the tissues are starting to feel natural. It is like the shackles of freedom are being let loose and my penis can be what itself again and not be constrained to the ritual PMO that it did for 15 years.

Well, no Epiphanies, but just encouragement. Nothing worse has developed and nothing but gradual progression has been seen. Stay the course and remember a phrase "to be better than what I was yesterday." Find what the means to you and accept what was and what is now.

-D

 

[KW1989KW]

Sorry buddy, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. I'll make sure I am on here more often. I am glad to see you are doing well in a lot of categories. Especially staying focused on life and not just the men downstairs. This is key in this reboot. Keep up the good work.

Talk soon,

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 65+

Well where do I begin...yes I am still PMO free (obviously with the counter). Sad day, but Jane and I had to call it a break due to things. The past twenty days have finally been a reflection upon myself, which I understand is necessary. It is difficult to wrap my emotions around the concept right now, but I do not feel as irrational about it. To say I am pissed off would be a lie. I spent a lot of time with this woman with a lot of ups and downs. She will definitely have a soft spot inside my heart from the stuff we did together... good, bad, and the ugly.

The release or desire for an orgasm outlet - That part worries me, but only because I miss that quality component which we had together. It would be a lie to myself and to others if I wasn't open enough to admit that it made the front 50 days of this adventure simple. I recognize why the reboot phase should be openly embraced to have sex with an understanding partner.

Things haven't hit me yet, because I have to sift through all our photos and memories to purge. It is a constant battle to remind myself to be grateful for the opportunity with our time together and maybe it is the fact to be disappointed by her that bums me out. Really lost at words as I travel back from seeing my family... emotional week that shook my center pretty well.

Normally, a moment like this would send me into a huge PMO relapse. I am thrilled to see my own recognition embraces that concept and says "FUCK NO WE WON'T GO!" Break ups suck, but I said this from Day 1 through our ups and downs... this is for me, not her.

Find your motivation and power gentlemen.

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 69+ - Ironic number, couldn't resist

Well...here I am and I have self MOed and it is unfortunately my only release. I respect to my accountability partner to follow in his footsteps to stop it. It only promotes past measures to relief emotional pressure and not accept issues for what they are right now.

Update...Jane and I have taken a break if not for sure broken up. The dynamic between us is complicated and she has portrayed in her actions that she has replaced my ass. Bottom line is I deserve better and I am moving past that. It is difficult because the emotional attachments remain, bottom line. There was a HARD connection between us that I valued and to say the least was the strongest I have ever had with a woman. She inspired life for me hands down. Moving on now that, that is off my chest. I told her pretty much "babe I care about you, but I am moving on and what you are doing is not what I WANT (OH SELFISH ME!!!...). I am not a secondary option and if that is how you see me, call me and let me know when things change." I absolutely hate letting her go, but I must respect myself more. I have other women valuing my time, but Jane has made me see that factor.

So... the PMO where is that at. Normally after a break up, I would binge on porn hardcore and the factor is, I hate what porn has done to me so much now that I look at it as the plague now. I still enjoy and value sex and have the confidence to find a woman to hook up with. The problem is... I am tired of hooking up with women just to hook up, I earnestly desire a connection. This whole process has showed me how strong of a man I really can be and I am. It has showed that "Holy fuck dude, we need to redefine our purpose, drive, desires, and social crew."

Ehhh, I have been bummed out on wanting to make new friends. My desire for women is too self-centered for sex or the question "is she worth pursuing? (STOP WANTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM DAN!)." I really desire the passion to call up "bro's" for beer and just do that OR even go out to a club for fun. The plague of the 20's and 30's because I have nobody to do that with. Sad to admit that I don't have any close friends... maybe I should start there beside being so focused on women. Actually help if I had peers to invest into and can develop a true friendship. That is one thing Jane won't admit, she wants to go out with me and the guys to hang on my arm so I can show her off. I'd love to help babe, but all my friends are out of city... or wouldn't understand our dynamic (Christian friends of mine)

Losing track of my PMO, sorry everyone. The diligence to value the real thing is HUGELY helpful, trust me. I have felt it, lived it, and recognized it. Your mental emotional jerk fest is NOTHING compared to the real thing and ruins your self-confidence to life and women/men. You have to look at this as a "devaluing" factor and seek better or the real thing. Sex is amazing and no matter what... you must see the value of it, because trust me that is a drive to go find a woman. I have experienced that factor, but even now I seek out a strong bond than just a one night stand (waste of your time... worthless sex). Doesn't have to be a relationship, but find a woman that you can invest to and be GRATEFUL for the moment. That is the hardest reason I am struggling to move on, Jane was easily one of the best women I have had sex with.

End of the day, 69 days in...symptoms are better, emotional strength is improving, discipline is developing, and I am wanting a deeper bond. That right there is motivating. Time heals all wounds I am told... the hardest pill to swallow, choke on, and accept. I am hurting deep right now, but I love myself to welcome the next woman who will value that.. I am my own man, Steve McQueen HA!? "I live for myself and I answer to nobody"

Here is to my post drinking rant

 

[KW1989KW]

Congrats on the 69 days man. I applaud you. Don't let the MO get you down either. This is a learning curve and we are doing what we can to educate ourselves and get better. Without wrong doings/ failure we don't succeed. We learn what not to do and what to do.

As for Jane, I am sorry. It is never easy letting someone go you start to have feelings for. But you know what, that's bravery and honesty to her and yourself  at it's finest. You realized that there was an issue and it wasn't getting better. So you made a move to better yourself. There is no shame in that. Hurt passes, but the thought of finding someone that cares about you for you is a huge motivator.

It's nice to see that someone thinks about P now in the same light as I. I am so appalled by it that I'm disgusted to even think about it. I can honestly say P is out of my life forever and that feels awesome.

One thing I have noticed through your journal is you are now focusing on bettering yourself completely and finding someone you want to bond with and not just sleep with. P distorted our mindset into thinking the videos on the internet are real. Basically belittling woman. THEY ARE NOT. True feeling and that bond with a woman is reality. And with that comes love/ sex of a whole different light. Better sex, more fulfilling sex. That is what I cannot wait to have again.

Keep your head up and keep pushing for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Best,

ImOnMyWay

 

[Dfletch07]

Day 75... Just keep the ball rolling.

Nothing new to update on many fronts. Just throwing focus where it needs to be which is in bettering myself. Feels like one of my runs where the end point just seems distant. I feel bad that I am leading on another woman more as a rebound right now than anything else it seems. Casual dating life is a tricky mistress and can be difficult when emotions get involved with someone you were not expecting to grow attachments for during it.

Jane and I still talk, but it is so elementary style communication compared to where we once were. I remind myself daily as a learning tool that if anything were to ever be attempted there again, it would have to be a clean slate and a focus on the present. From now on she is a ONLY and will always be ONLY a fuck buddy. Breaks my heart a little to write that, but that is the reality of it all regardless. She set a pretty solid bar for ladies to hurdle, but maybe it is also a representation of me not settling for anything less. I am still surprised to say that considering I thought it was already up there.

Attracting those ladies starts by raising my standards of what I offer. So in life, focus on my emotions, physique, intelligence, and progress. My social life is lacking so I am plugging into programs that I enjoy and hope to meet anyone and everyone to develop a tight group of people.

Forward progress, one step at a time... Thank you for the memories Jane... for that I am grateful. You will always hold a spot in my heart.