Day 31

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Billy B

Member
Meditation is an excersise in mindfulness and they kind of go hand in hand. Mindfulness is much broader, though. If I was on my computer I would put a link in but Im far too clumsy on the smart phone (I don't know how to do it).

If you google ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Training, you'll find plenty of info. ACT is mindfulness-based and clinically validated. It has helped many folks in tackling addiction and in managing depression, anxiety and emotions in general as well as with unhelpful thought habits. Personally, I think anyone (even 'healthy' people) would benifit from more mindfullness in there lives.

Good best of luck.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
I googled it and came up with meditation, I have been meditating and it doesn't seem to help much.
Is this mindfulness an exercise that you do like meditation?  If you could send me the link that would be great, THANKS
 
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Billy B

Member
No worries.

Try this: https://www.actmindfully.com.au/index.asp?pageID=41

Dr. Russ Harris is kind of the king of ACT and he has some books on the subject (The Happiness Trap is a good one that I've read). As a therapeutic modality it is more and more widely used, however. If you're in or near a major city I'd be surprised if you couldn't find a mindfulness course or a therapist who works with mindfulness or even ACT, specifically.

And keep meditating! Even just 3-5mins a day has been shown to have benefits and it takes practice, like anything. The benefits might be subtle and take a while to show but they will come. There a many ways to meditate, too, so if something isn't right for ya, you can try others. Mediation isn't something we ever get 'right' though, it's a practice that we can get better at but... I guess the core of it is learning to be okay with where we're at - the mind will always distract us, that's what it does. We just get better at holding thoughts more lightly and bringing our awareness back to the meditation. Progress not perfection, as they say in the 12step groups. 

Let me know if I can help further.

Good best of luck.

 
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Whynot

Active Member
I appreciate your help Billy, I have been using headspace for meditation and I have done the three levels of the foundation, now that I did those three levels I'm not sure what other series am I to do on the headspace, I found the foundation was very helpful but now I don't know what series to choose as there are many, if any?
I'm sure you have heard of headspace, do you have any other suggestions other meditation apps to choose from?
 
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Billy B

Member
I use Insight Timer. It' free. It has guided meditations, music, talks, all sorts.

I would just keep practicing what you've learned if it resonates with you. It's all about practice. For example, just simply sitting for 3-5 minutes observing the breath and bringing ones attention back to it when the mind wanders, is one of the simplest. Even if your mind wanders for minutes at a time (which it will) that's not to get frustrated about: as soon as you notice, and bring your attention back, you can smile: because that's meditation!  8)

Maybe have a look if you have any Buddhists in your area? They often run 'how to meditate' sessions and tend not to be preachy or anything, just practical. I find it helps to practice in a group, especially when there's some experienced meditators there.
 
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Whynot

Active Member
That's funny I was with my therapist today and she recommended insight timer. I understand about taking a moment to be aware of your breath, I just found headspace was a little confusing after I finished the 30 days
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Hey Billy I'm doing good, how are you doing?

I have been pretty busy the last few weeks and haven't reported anything lately but I am still Clean.  I have been using Headspace for the mindfulness training, I believe this is one of the options?  I was actually going to start a new thread to see if I can get some advice from people but I guess I will start it here instead and let me know if you have any advice for me, here it goes.

So I am approaching in my 90 day hard reboot on Monday I believe.  I have been clean the whole time, I did not relapse, only thing I did do was open a fake Facebook account and did a little bit of flirting but no M,  that lasted about a week and then I come to realize what I'm doing is wrong and I'm just gonna end up relapsing so I deleted the account.  I have also woken up a few times in the morning with a woody and strocked it a little bit but never orgasm so  I think I have been pretty clean so far.  My issue is that I am married and been clean all this time and my wife knows about my situation and I am wondering if and when and how do I start to get on track again with a normal sexual relationship, she is not ready to have sex with me because of an affair I had about 2 yrs ago so do I start to masterbate with her around, or do I just continue to not do anything and be clean?  I spoke with her about it and she seems to think that if I do masturbate then it's pleasure that I'm getting without her and that may not be the healthiest choice, so I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.  Does anyone have any tips or guidance for me.  Maybe there's somebody out there that can provide me with the right answer, a professional answer.
I'm so confused about what to do and what not to do, I feel like my head is all messed up 
 
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Billy B

Member
There's no right or wrong, mate. Everyone is different so eventually you'll have to find your own path. It's a good idea to get professional advice if you can find it and to cast around for other married rebooters, to hear their stories and see/feel what you think what might work for you.

I'm not active here but on YBR (your brain rebalanced.com) which is similar to here. There's a couple of long-term rebooters in the over 40's who've healed there marriages. Saville in particular as he had similar trust issues to work through because of his cheating. And 40new30 who, come to think of it, you might find on this board also (he was here for a while, anyway). Both of those guys are incredibly supportive and would be happy to help, I'm sure.

I'm single and have remained on almost zero stimulation for the last 218 days. As I understand it, 90 days is just an average and from my observation is generally only the period it takes for fellas to begin feeling better. The full process can take a lot longer and in fact appears to have time lines similar to other addictions (blokes who are two and three years clean still noticing changes). My plan is to find some beautiful she over the coming months with whom I can connect and begin rewiring my brain away from pixels (and my hand) towards real sex and loving connection. If that doesn't happen, at some stage I will consider experimenting with self pleasure but will be very mindful to avoid even fantasy because of the danger of slipping back into unrealistic expectations.

Personally, I'd stay off the toss for a while longer to give yourself the best chance of rewiring properly. If and when you do go back to it (or start orgasming with your wife) beware of what they call 'the chaser effect'. It's where orgasm (or it can come from having a pmo or subs slip) fires up those old neural networks and can bring on cravings or urges.

Have you looked at Gary and Marina's site Reuniting? It's all about reconnecting in relationships and probably has some good info that might help you and the missus in rebuilding trust and intimacy.

Listen: I've pulled back from being so active (even at YBR) so if I don't get back to you in a hurry, that's why. I hope what I've offered can help, some. You're doing really well and imagine you and your wife will get back to reconnecting and building trust if you stay on the path. It must be hard for her. You're lucky she's stuck around and is supportive, imo.

Good best of luck, till soon, mate. 

 
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Billy B

Member
papa said:
I have been using Headspace for the mindfulness training, I believe this is one of the options?
Click to expand...

I haven't used Headspace but if it has Mindfulness Training on it and if that's workin' for you, go for it. Any anything we can do to increase our mindfulness is AOK, imo.

Oh! And I'm doin' okay, thanks mate. Confident but not complacent when it comes to rebooting. I'm beginning to focus more on active recovery (building 'the life I want to live') than on abstinence and pmo but aware that finding a balance is probably the best way to go. Recovery is a life-long journey.  :)
 
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Whynot

Active Member
Thanks for all your great advice, I just joined that other site 

What is  Gary and Marina's site Reuniting??
 
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