Over 13 Months Clean...And Counting

[40New30]

Had a 'relapsed to porn' nightmare last night...it was SAF...scary as fuck! 

Getting to a year clean and still having dreams like that, the wiring is very deep inside my brain.
Not surprising, but scary nonetheless.

The good news is that it was all a dream.

I had this same dream 3 to 4 months ago when I had my first wet dream ever at 43 years old.

Cheerio, gents.

 

[screwedup40]

Ahhh, the good old relapse nightmare.  I experienced those in the beginning.  Now I keep having periodic sex dreams about my wife and I'm always surprised in the dream that my erection works.  Messed up... I know.  The brain is a strange, scary, and powerful thing.

 

[40New30]

Ahhh, the good old relapse nightmare.  I experienced those in the beginning.  Now I keep having periodic sex dreams about my wife and I'm always surprised in the dream that my erection works.  Messed up... I know.  The brain is a strange, scary, and powerful thing.

Thanks, bro!  Appreciate the commentary, encouragement, and view of my possible landscape to come (that would be a welcome dream for me)...took a look at your journal, and it looks a lot like I believe my reboot will look over the next 12 months, up and down.

Too bad it took me about 3 or 4 years to get things under control, but I was really bad in terms of dependancy and relapses are part of recovery (they suck, but they are). I was also totally oblivious that I was addicted for years and years.

 

[40New30]

I had a huge burst of libido this morning, as well as that 'looking at the world through rose colored glasses' feeling this morning.  A definite upswing in energy, mood, and sex drive.

This might be the worst news I could give a heavy addict that's new here (if you're reading), but honestly not having orgasms for a long time is super beneficial.  What's a long time?  As long as you can hold out.

If you have PE and a girlfriend, well, you're in a real bind.  And you're going to have to make a serious choice...thankfully I have DE.  (If you do have bad PE I suggest serotonin boosting over the counter supplements, btw.)

That knowledge is a bitter pill, but I know low O's change my brain much faster than when I'm O'ing...I can feel the changes in my cognition.
I am a severe case though, hours and hours and hours of edging for years and years and years.

 

[ANM-YBR2013]

Hey 40, I just cheered out loud when I found your journal  ;D I've been a bit lost since YBR went down. Didn't realize how important the place had become for me. There's a couple of guys over at NoFap- might point them over here.

Good to see you're going strong! Let's keep truckin'

A New Man

 

[DavidRI]

I am a severe case though, hours and hours and hours of edging for years and years and years.

I am roughly 115 sexually sober, but the last few weeks I resumed edging.  It occurs in the morning when I wake up, but before I jump out of bed.  I tend to edge for 30 or 60 seconds before I catch myself and stop.  If I linger in bed for any amount of time hitting the snooze (say 15 or 20 minutes), I will repeat the 30-60 second edging a few times. 

Of course, I notice my heart rate kick up when I edge and realize that I am reinforcing the harmful neuro-pathway that I am seeking to erase and dull. 

Other than the early-morning edging, my reboot is going fine.  The positive changes I feel are very noticeable. 

Thank you to all who post on Reboot Nation. 

 

[40New30]

Hey 40, I just cheered out loud when I found your journal  ;D I've been a bit lost since YBR went down. Didn't realize how important the place had become for me. There's a couple of guys over at NoFap- might point them over here.

Good to see you're going strong! Let's keep truckin'

A New Man

Ha!  Hey buddy, welcome...yeah it sucks that YBR isn't working, journaling about what's going on in my reboot is something I need because let's face it you can't talk about this stuff with many people, either they don't know about your addiction or they just won't understand it.

I'm going all the way this reboot, porn is not an option.

 

[40New30]

I am a severe case though, hours and hours and hours of edging for years and years and years.

I am roughly 115 sexually sober, but the last few weeks I resumed edging.  It occurs in the morning when I wake up, but before I jump out of bed.  I tend to edge for 30 or 60 seconds before I catch myself and stop.  If I linger in bed for any amount of time hitting the snooze (say 15 or 20 minutes), I will repeat the 30-60 second edging a few times. 

Of course, I notice my heart rate kick up when I edge and realize that I am reinforcing the harmful neuro-pathway that I am seeking to erase and dull. 

Other than the early-morning edging, my reboot is going fine.  The positive changes I feel are very noticeable. 

Thank you to all who post on Reboot Nation.

I have always known that I would have to give up MO for life, it's just too wired to P in my brain after so much time.  Neurons that fire together will wire together.

It's not only that either, there's death grip syndrome which desensitizes your dick and lastly when you MO you're wiring your sexual response to stimulating yourself (not real sex).  How will your brain ever get spontaneous erections from looking at a real naked woman in your bed when every morning you're getting any erection you're touching yourself?  We're conditioning erections to our hands with MO/edging.

That's the way I look at it.

I also got a serious case of prostatitis from edging for long periods of time, tight muscles in the pelvis as well.  It's totally unnatural and unbalanced.

 

[40New30]

My nasal cycle is really starting to balance out again, it's been 3 weeks since my last O.  This is definitely faster balancing than after the previous O, so I will deduce that circuits are continuing to improve and strengthen. 

Nevertheless I will be limiting O's as much as humanly possible until I feel I my brain can handle them.  Flatlines still suck mentally; thankfully I do get periods of DE -- very helpful in limiting O's.

I don't know how long it will be, but I imagine it will be some months.  We'll see.  I expect a steady progression of improvements in refractory period as well as shortening of negative aftermath (unbalanced nasal cycle, fatigue, lower libido, flatlines).

 

[MarstonS]

It's interesting with the physical responses soome of us get  as we walk this path of abstaining for our addiction. Something I notice for myself, that I have not seen others report is that when I suffer from acute withdrawals (for me from about day 3 to about day 40) my eyes become very watery and glossy. Then if I manage to be 100% clean about then 5-6 weeks in they become  "white and shiny/healthy looking"

 

[DavidRI]

I am 115 days sexually sober, but I am hitting a rough patch.  My PMO compulsion led me to infidelity, and my girlfriend of five years and I separated about six months ago.  During my recovery I held out hope that she and I would re-unite. 

This week she and I communicated and it does not seem likely, so I suspect this will be the first real test as to whether my sexual sobriety could withstand a personal crisis. 

I can already feel the urge to get back in touch with past lovers or to PMO or to seek to hook up on a dating website -- a lifestyle that only led to heartbreak in the end. 

Thank you to all who post on Reboot Nation.  Your posts are an unbelievable help.

 

[40New30]

It's interesting with the physical responses soome of us get  as we walk this path of abstaining for our addiction. Something I notice for myself, that I have not seen others report is that when I suffer from acute withdrawals (for me from about day 3 to about day 40) my eyes become very watery and glossy. Then if I manage to be 100% clean about then 5-6 weeks in they become  "white and shiny/healthy looking"

My symptoms are all over the map and random, when something feels off and is caused by post acute withdrawals I know where it's coming from -- headache, irritability, fatigue.  They cycle in and out and get much worse after orgasm...but the period that gets worse post orgasm is shrinking.  That's how it all works.

 

[40New30]

I am 115 days sexually sober, but I am hitting a rough patch.  My PMO compulsion led me to infidelity, and my girlfriend of five years and I separated about six months ago.  During my recovery I held out hope that she and I would re-unite. 

This week she and I communicated and it does not seem likely, so I suspect this will be the first real test as to whether my sexual sobriety could withstand a personal crisis. 

I can already feel the urge to get back in touch with past lovers or to PMO or to seek to hook up on a dating website -- a lifestyle that only led to heartbreak in the end. 

Thank you to all who post on Reboot Nation.  Your posts are an unbelievable help.

All relapses to porn ultimately come from stress, in the beginning dropping an ice cream cone feels like losing your job, minor stress feels major...as you get stronger and your brain makes more changes, you become much more resilient to any stress, even major stresses. 

It's hard to explain how it feels internally, and for me it's taken a long time to build these internal muscles up.

Dating sites are virtually identical to porn...however, calling old girlfriends isn't a bad idea because you're going to have to rewire at some point.  Try to meet women the old fashioned way and just make a connection, have a conversation, your brain will learn very quickly what to do.

 

[40New30]

My productivity, well being, energy, and even internal calmness have all improved about 70% in the last 3 weeks, post O.  For the first 2 weeks all of those things were very uncharacteristically low; I also had no nasal cycle.  Now my cycle is flowing again, back and forth.

Why does nobody else notice this? 

I think I really created some major brain changes with my years of heavy addiction...thankfully brain's are plastic.

I am not under any illusions that my reboot will be ending any time soon.

 

[40New30]

Just got hit with a huge wave of PAWS about 15 minutes ago....like a light switch -- from energetic to fatigued.  This one will probably last about an hour or so, maybe two.  There's not sense in fighting it, I'm going to take a work break...don't try to fight through it unless you absolutely have to in the workplace.

Peace.

 

[40New30]

It didn't even last more than 30 minutes...crazy strong fatigue and then..poof, gone!

 

[40New30]

Had sex with the wife last night, and I could barely feel a thing...however, I was quite horny.  I could have finished despite having almost no feeling in my guy, but I choose not to. 

Here we are coming up on an 11 month long streak and I can't feel my dick inside my wife during sex.  Ha.  I have to laugh or I'll get angry. 

This reboot is going to take at least 2 years or longer.  I'm under no illusions.

At least I can have sex and the mental effects of PAWs are lessening a ton...at least for now.  Negatives right now are a smaller flaccid penis, sometimes rubbery, little to no feeling, and waves of PAWs (like yesterday afternoon)...in addition after orgasm the mental PAWs get pretty bad for about 1 to 2 weeks.

 

[40New30]

What do you guys, especially guys that have done over a year clean, think about scheduling my O's from here on out? 

I basically get mental fog for like a week or two afterwards.  By week three I feel awesome.

But, I still feel like I'm in a flatline in terms of sensitivity during real sex.

Would it be beneficial to muscle through the O's (get more rewiring that way), or go into semi-monk mode for another month or two, repeating O's every 1 - 2 months? 

Either way I'll be healing, but I'll feel more like shyte if I O too much...I guess there's my answer?

This blows. 

 

[screwedup40]

I wish I had a good answer for you.  Almost two years clean and still up and down.  Doesn't seem to be effected by orgasm frequency, just happens with no rhyme or reason.  That being said, the downs seem to last less time now.  Still can be soul crushing when a down period hits after all this time.  Hang in there man. You're a veteran and have a good attitude and the right outlook about this.  As long as we stay clean I think/hope we'll get to the point of normal.  Eventually...

 

[Billy B]

YBR is back on line!

UD is fine. Sends his deepest apologies, that he had been busy (away from the site and simply did not know it had gone down!).