Over 13 Months Clean...And Counting

[40New30]

I wish I had a good answer for you.  Almost two years clean and still up and down.  Doesn't seem to be effected by orgasm frequency, just happens with no rhyme or reason.  That being said, the downs seem to last less time now.  Still can be soul crushing when a down period hits after all this time.  Hang in there man. You're a veteran and have a good attitude and the right outlook about this.  As long as we stay clean I think/hope we'll get to the point of normal.  Eventually...

That's interesting, that you're ups and downs are random like that...I mean, mine are random too.  But I notice a definite change post O.  I know without a doubt that it's just a matter of staying free from P, MO, fantasy, and wiring back to what are brains are supposed to wire to -- reality.  Thanks for the report, screwedup40!

 

[40New30]

YBR is back on line!

UD is fine. Sends his deepest apologies, that he had been busy (away from the site and simply did not know it had gone down!).

Thanks, BB!  Now I'll know what my counter is and we can reconnect with some of the others over there.

 

[Billy B]

YBR is back on line!

UD is fine. Sends his deepest apologies, that he had been busy (away from the site and simply did not know it had gone down!).

Thanks, BB!  Now I'll know what my counter is and we can reconnect with some of the others over there.

!

 

[40New30]

I'm going to split my time between RN and YBR...good crews in both places. 

Feeling good this Monday morning, hope everyone else is as well.

 

[fyg]

Hi 40New30,

I read a little on YBR yesday and liked the vibe on there! (I have an old profile that used only initially from back when).

But! sounds good to be in two places with two good crews for you   For my humble part, I think it's good to have positive people on board in any collective - I've been away from here for a quite some time, but should hopefully start to post with some regularity. With you on the Monday morning vibe!

Cheers.

 

[40New30]

You're so right about needing positivity, as well as veterans.  And I've been through a lot of fighting, a lot of relapses, a lot of successes; feel that it's my duty to share with others. 

I remember when I was first starting to get into recovery mode, I read so much, and I got hope from those guys. 

Most of those guys had way less severe addictions that I had, and recovered faster.  I think it's encouraging for a lot of guys that have really been through the wringer to know that long recoveries are very possible, and more common than they might think.

Even Gabe's 15 months (9 months until PIV sex), isn't the limit.  I've read of accounts of 2 to 3 years...why shouldn't that be the case?  Some guys pushed it farther or just have brains that rewire more slowly.  I'm certain there's a very wide range of time frames to rebooting.

I'm almost a year into complete sobriety, but I could certainly need another year.  We'll see.  Whatever happens I know where I'm heading.

 

[fyg]

Well, then I'm glad to have you in our corner 40New30. It sounds like you will be of great support. I'm somewhat of a moody twat on the quiet - I'm up and down, but that means on some days I'm not so good for boosting people along, and I tend to stay quiet. Also my hat is off to you, it's sounds like you've been through a lot... and may I ask what "complete sobriety" means in your case?

I've heard of accounts of long reboots too, of course. For me, it's a little different, as it's been a long time since I've been addicted (as in browsing daily/nightly for many hours) but I was there once. I think I'm conditioned to porn, more than addicted. Anyways, for another time on me.

I wish you the very best, mate. And respect that you know where you're heading.

Cheers, fyg.

 

[40New30]

fyg, I think what happens is that we get very annoyed when someone keeps relapsing and we forget where we were not so long ago.  But it is frustrating!  We all want everyone to succeed, despite the fact that this addiction is tough as nails to beat.

When I was knee deep in the addiction I would come on the forums and lie and say everything was ok when I was relapsing, or run away when I relapsed and not post.  I get it, it's a bitch.

Oh I was/am definitely a P addict, no doubt at that.  As addicted as they come, but because I know that it makes me safer, there is no in between, there is no 'just this once'.  A relapse means going back into the pit for me.

Complete sobriety for me is no PMO, no MO, no PME. 
I've not watching porn, while jerking my dick in almost 11 months.

I have very occasionally fapped my dick for a few seconds just to see if it's still there.
I have also watched P...but not on a laptop or computer which is how I always used to when I was jerking it.

I have only watched P on my iPhone here and there (handful of times over 11 months) when I was feeling low (withdrawals), and frankly it didn't arouse me 95% of the time, when that 5% hit I quickly shut it down.  Those view sessions lasted perhaps a few minutes at most.

Now, when I was in PME (porn, masturbation, edging) mode I would PME for hours and hours and hours, daily. 
Quite a change to say the least.

I am working on not purposely ever watching P, and I think I'm pretty much there...because I don't fap to it, my brain has learned it's NOT arousing, seriously. Crazy, but true.

Also, I limit my O's, and will continue to do so until I feel my brain is ready for a regular schedule...figure it will be 3 to 9 months until it is ready.

 

[40New30]

Had sex last night with my wife and it took a while to get hard, but I did. 

The cool part was I was having flashbacks to the first time I had sex, literally...to me that means that my brain is searching to earlier and earlier sexual memories to figure out what's real, it's trying to figure out how to wire to real sex, learning that P is NOT a reward.

ALL of my sex dreams in the last month have been about real sex where I am having sex, not where I am viewing porn.  Before that point I was having occasional, every 4 months or so, dreams where I was relapsing to PMO/PME.

Interestingly enough, the last dream where I was 'relapsing to P', it didn't feel in the least bit arousing.

My brain is definitely learning.

In some ways I'm definitely in a flatline, in other ways not at all, in others somewhere in between...that'll do 'er.

 

[screwedup40]

Boy, this sounds so much like me.  I would say that was most of this last year.  Flatlined, not flatlined, and somewhere in between.  I will say that coming up on two years I feel like I'm starting to get close.  Sex has been good lately and my libido is actually sticking around.  Who knows man?  Maybe we'll both be posting a success story this next year! 

 

[40New30]

screwedup40, so nice of you to drop by and offer me your thoughts on that last post!  I really don't have any doubts that I'm going to heal up, or that it's going to take a good while longer for me; there will be ups and downs along the way.

For a man, I think I have a very good intuition...don't really know why but I do.  Of course, I was totally blind to the fact that I was a porn addict for 15 years, but that's addiction.

Anyway, I just inuit that things will take about 2 years and I will get back to fully healthy.  I just know it.

Look forward to writing to my success story.  If 2 years clean is end point it would have taken be roughly 5 years to reach the mountain top, I will get there, no doubt in my mind.

 

[40New30]

Just wanted to talk about this really briefly...so last night before I was completely dead asleep, when I was crossing over into dream town, my mind was absolutely flooded with memories from over my entire lifetime, jumping here and there and everywhere.  Something I have not experienced, ever.

Could it be my unconscious mind searching for old wires to connect to new wires?  I like to think so. 

 

[ANM-YBR2013]

I experienced this a little bit though not quite as you describe "in one sitting"- I think it really is the brain regrowing new connections and connecting up dormant sections.

When I was in my twenties i lost a couple of close friends to suicide. At the time i was PMO-ing daily and never really addressed their loss properly. Recently i've had dreams about them, seeking some kind of reconciliation. The brain is catching up on unfinished business.

This could be a very tough point in reboot for guys who have trauma. Like Billy B said with respect to worsening depression, this process should come with warning labels attached.

 

[40New30]

My depression has definitely got worse at times, but the amount of time that I feel normal has greatly increased, as has energy and motivation.  I'm definitely not done yet or rebooted.  But I think I had a very unrealistic expectation early on that someone with my level abuse would be done in 90 days, as many of you know I've reached 90 days and beyond many times.

Now I'm past the 11 month mark and still not done.  But, this time I realize what the reality is, and it's much much better to live in reality!  PMO addiction is all about living in unreality.

 

[40New30]

Libido is getting higher, getting closer to one year mark as well.  It's a slow process to getting better, but each day leads to more unwiring/rewiring. 

 

[40New30]

Hi guys, I moved back over the YBR for the most part. 

But I thought I would check in over here...I'm just over 400 days totally clean at this point...I'm not done but as the heaviest porn user I'm aware of, I'm cruising along, every week and month brings ups and downs.

This reboot is totally non-linear, I can have erections one day and not the next, libido comes and goes, DE is ever present at this point but who knows what will happen next month.

For the most part the brain fog and depression are gone, but they still pop up hear and there...kinda think it will be another year before I'm totally rebooted, maybe longer to be honest.

I was the heaviest porn user out there (from reading countless rebooting reports), so if I can accomplish this, anyone can.

 

[js2004]

Good for you man, keep going.