Becoming a complete human being

[EarthWalker]

Hell Month

Things will get worse before they will get better.

Feeling cold. Shivers down the lower back. Massive headache. Fuck. This is getting old. I am too old for this shit.

Saw some hot girl today in tight black leather pants. Really turns me on. Just writing about it feels silly. What now? Mental meltdown because I saw a hot girl? Lol. Childish. It was easy not to get caught up in the urges. I could clearly see what I get from P and urges. But man am I tired. Just exhausted.

Will sleep a lot over the weekend.

Here is to sleep. FML.

Here is to new beginnings.

 

[EarthWalker]

Relapsed in the morning. Feel so tired. Will just stay in bed.

Testosterone?

Could it be all the shit and wrong foods I eat on a daily basis messed up my hormones?

I need to go all the way with food. Healthy breakfast is not enough. Will focus on this.

Sleep and clean food.

 

[EarthWalker]

Seeing clearly what I get from P.

4 day pure streak so far. Slept 10 hours today. Wow. P really fucked up my brain.

The thought of never again using P is starting to feel less foreign.

Onward.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 6 pure streak. Sleeping a lot. Like 10 hours.

Slowly the urges are coming back. But what I get from P? Seeing clearly what I get from P. Every single time I used P I went I am better of not using P. Can I finally let it go? I guess so.

The whole time I am thinking. Just ignore P. Let it go. It can't be that easy?

Watched a few seasons of Girls (Tv show). Pretty plain name. There are a few sex scenes. But most of the time they are pretty awkward. Instead of being triggered for P. I am thinking this should be me. I should be having awkward sex with a 21 year old girl. Not inseminating the screen.

P's pleasure had been unrivalled. But other things started to became interesting as well. Just like making a meal. Cooking a bit. This is interesting as well.

P really fucked up my dopamine system. Made everything but P boring. With this streaks slowly other things are looking interesting as well.

Cutting down on processed foods and eating more raw. Might have something to do with it.

Onward.

 

[EarthWalker]

day 7 pure streak. 1 week ago i relapsed on this day. i don't even remember what p i used.

is this it? just ignore p?

 

[anhaedra]

Way to go.

A fair warning -- those new insights and interests will start to feel normal. You'll enter a flatline probably, too. You'll probably relapse to some extent because of this.

But every time you fuck up, you'll ask yourself - what for? What did it bring me? Porn will show its uselessness to you if you keep it up like this.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thanks man.

Sadly, relapsed yesterday. Autopilot got me. Very bad day overall. Ueli Steck died. He was to mountain climbing what Bruce Lee was to martial arts. A living legend. Very sad to learn he is gone.

Pretty happy I clocked in 6 pure days. Strong urges came. I peeked a bit. It was intense. My heart pounded. I interrupted myself. Did something else for 2 hours. Then autopilot came back. Peeked a little bit. Then drove the car for 20 minutes. Then relapsed. The autopilot is still very strong. My taste is shifting back to vanilla. Started with a fetish clip but just imagined PIV sex with the girl in the fetish video.

I am at a point when strong triggers come, I will "pace the room" for 30 minutes then relapse. I need to learn to be better at dealing when I am in the "interrupted" state.

A while back I threw away a relatively expensive sex toy. Each time the autopilot comes at me with full force and I want to use it. I remind myself of this fact. The fact that I threw it away really sobers me up. And the fact it is not there.

That is what is so hard with P. With drugs you have a lot of stages where you can interrupt yourself. With P it is instantly. Boom and a P scene is in your mind. One click and boom there is P.

There were some chaser urges. But they were weak. I like that fact. I could observe what is going on more.

I believe that P is good. It has good intentions at heart. PMO wants to make me feel happy. But in the big picture it does the opposite.

Like dirt. Dirt is great. Vegetables grow in dirt. Dirt is very good to vegetables. Vegetables are very good on the dinner plate. But dirt on the dinner plate is not good. It is not bad but just misplaced.

P is just misplaced. P please leave. Return to a better place for both you and me.

I will work on improving my reaction, mindfulness when I am in the "interrupted" state.

Here is a nice song I found. Be well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZY_6UzqFsg

 

[EarthWalker]

Super tired. Saw a hot girl today in leather pants. It really turns me on. Want to just look at this kind of P and PMO. I didn't peek thus far. Surprisingly hard to keep it together.

One good thing is the desire for PIV is coming back. Femdom stuff is loosing or lost its grip.

Onward.