can anyone help or relate to my problem I am a 55 year old man happily married for 37 years and adore my wife at the age of 52 I started watching porn after a few months of watching straight porn I started watching gay porn and could not stop this then this led me to think that I must be gay I am so confused I have no desire to go with a man I have no gay feelings I had no sexual feelings while watching the gay porn but I just can,t stop watching ( please can anyone help)
gay porn
- Thread starter desperate
- Start date
Hey there Desperate:
Over my many years of wrestling with sex/porn addiction I've come to realize that, in a lot of cases it's not really about the sex act itself so much as about the high we get from it.
Possibly, for whatever reason, the fact that gay porn is something beyond your own personal sexual orientation may somehow trigger a high for you. Maybe, in your case the novelty of it somehow stimulates the high. A lot of the rush of an addictive behavior comes from doing something that we might consider to be taboo for ourselves. Additionally, the very act of doing something secretive can also contribute to the rush.
Nothing I'm saying here is meant to be judgmental. This is addiction and addiction does not follow rules that are easily understood. What is uninteresting to one person may be another person's heroin. Everybody has their own special drug.
I guess what I am saying is don't try so hard to make sense of it because it probably does not make sense. Instead, try to look at it this way:
1) From what you are saying you are quite certain of your sexual orientation. So believe in that knowledge.
2) Try to recognize your attraction to gay porn as an attraction to a drug. No more and no less. You are addicted to a drug, in your case gay porn. If viewing gay porn is something that you feel is detrimental to your life then your job is to get clean from the drug. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT get caught up in shame. Shame will drag you down. Instead try to look at the situation almost from a medical perspective. If you had diabetes you would take steps to prevent it from destroying you. But you would not feel shame because you had diabetes. Same thing here. This is a condition. Treat it like a condition and take the steps necessary to address the condition so that you can get healthier again.
I hope what I've said makes some sense.
Keep comin' back buddy. You are okay just the way you are just for who you are.
Survivor
Over my many years of wrestling with sex/porn addiction I've come to realize that, in a lot of cases it's not really about the sex act itself so much as about the high we get from it.
Possibly, for whatever reason, the fact that gay porn is something beyond your own personal sexual orientation may somehow trigger a high for you. Maybe, in your case the novelty of it somehow stimulates the high. A lot of the rush of an addictive behavior comes from doing something that we might consider to be taboo for ourselves. Additionally, the very act of doing something secretive can also contribute to the rush.
Nothing I'm saying here is meant to be judgmental. This is addiction and addiction does not follow rules that are easily understood. What is uninteresting to one person may be another person's heroin. Everybody has their own special drug.
I guess what I am saying is don't try so hard to make sense of it because it probably does not make sense. Instead, try to look at it this way:
1) From what you are saying you are quite certain of your sexual orientation. So believe in that knowledge.
2) Try to recognize your attraction to gay porn as an attraction to a drug. No more and no less. You are addicted to a drug, in your case gay porn. If viewing gay porn is something that you feel is detrimental to your life then your job is to get clean from the drug. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT get caught up in shame. Shame will drag you down. Instead try to look at the situation almost from a medical perspective. If you had diabetes you would take steps to prevent it from destroying you. But you would not feel shame because you had diabetes. Same thing here. This is a condition. Treat it like a condition and take the steps necessary to address the condition so that you can get healthier again.
I hope what I've said makes some sense.
Keep comin' back buddy. You are okay just the way you are just for who you are.
Survivor
PMOVictory
Active Member
Hi Desperate
Survivor has hit the nail on the head. This is what happens with porn use. It pretty much F@#*&$ up your, a persons, brain. Novelty by looking at things that might shock you will give you a bigger high op dopamine than just the straight and normal. You are actually drawn to it by the "power surge" you are getting from it.
When I still did porn I also looked at gay porn, but I'm pretty straight. She males also did it for me, etc. It is only now that I realise how messed up I were by using porn.
Rebooting is the best gift you can give yourself and your wife.
Stay strong and be Blessed.
Survivor has hit the nail on the head. This is what happens with porn use. It pretty much F@#*&$ up your, a persons, brain. Novelty by looking at things that might shock you will give you a bigger high op dopamine than just the straight and normal. You are actually drawn to it by the "power surge" you are getting from it.
When I still did porn I also looked at gay porn, but I'm pretty straight. She males also did it for me, etc. It is only now that I realise how messed up I were by using porn.
Rebooting is the best gift you can give yourself and your wife.
Stay strong and be Blessed.
hi guys I have now gone 2 days and not watched any porn it is easier to start than too stop my wife found out about it she is devastated any ideas how I can make it easier for her I love her so much she asked me to leave I cant live without her she as taken it personally I feel terrible as she had breast cancer and in January had to have her breast removed and just started to recover I feel I don't deserve her should I tell her everything and try to explain about addiction even though I don't fully understand it myself any advice you can give me would be appreciated I am at rock bottom
I don't know what to say to you right now my friend.
It makes me sad to hear that this has happened to you. Hopefully, after the shock of her discovery subsides she will be clear enough to see how much she loves you and will be more open to hear what you have to say. Certainly going to a counselor, both by yourself, and with her would definitely be a step in the right direction.
For yourself the counselor could probably give you some insight regarding this stuff. As for the two of you the counselor could probably explain it to her better than you could right now. He/she may also be able to explain that it's not about her (your wife). Rather it's about something called addiction. Additionally, your going to a counselor is a strong sign that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get a handle on this thing and that one of the main reasons you want to do that, besides for yourself, is because you love your wife.
It might take some time buddy but this is where the rubber meets the road. If you want to change you need to do the work to make the change happen. As we used to say in my old program "If nothing changes nothing changes."
Good luck to you, keep in touch and keep us posted.
Thinking of you and routing for you.
Survivor
It makes me sad to hear that this has happened to you. Hopefully, after the shock of her discovery subsides she will be clear enough to see how much she loves you and will be more open to hear what you have to say. Certainly going to a counselor, both by yourself, and with her would definitely be a step in the right direction.
For yourself the counselor could probably give you some insight regarding this stuff. As for the two of you the counselor could probably explain it to her better than you could right now. He/she may also be able to explain that it's not about her (your wife). Rather it's about something called addiction. Additionally, your going to a counselor is a strong sign that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get a handle on this thing and that one of the main reasons you want to do that, besides for yourself, is because you love your wife.
It might take some time buddy but this is where the rubber meets the road. If you want to change you need to do the work to make the change happen. As we used to say in my old program "If nothing changes nothing changes."
Good luck to you, keep in touch and keep us posted.
Thinking of you and routing for you.
Survivor
OldHornyGuy
Active Member
Hi Desperate,
Yes, things will be tough, but actually having things out on the table is, I think, in the long run a good thing. Imagine if she didn't tell you about the cancer and just hoped it would take care of itself!
You do have some good things going for you, one being that (I am pretty sure) you hung tough and were supportive during her fight. Hopefully she will realize that and decide to stand by you in your fight. Also, it is hard for others to understand, but the addiction didn't come about because you didn't love her. That is easy to understand when the addiction is alcohol, but harder with porn. But it is true. You started doing something for fun (or stress relief or novelty or whatever) and got hooked. But you are still with her -- and that is a good start.
Counseling is good, probably even necessary in your case. I would also recommend looking at this site, http://www.reuniting.info/ it has meant the world for me. If I had understood these concepts many years ago, I might have saved my first marriage.
Peace and Stay Strong!
Yes, things will be tough, but actually having things out on the table is, I think, in the long run a good thing. Imagine if she didn't tell you about the cancer and just hoped it would take care of itself!
You do have some good things going for you, one being that (I am pretty sure) you hung tough and were supportive during her fight. Hopefully she will realize that and decide to stand by you in your fight. Also, it is hard for others to understand, but the addiction didn't come about because you didn't love her. That is easy to understand when the addiction is alcohol, but harder with porn. But it is true. You started doing something for fun (or stress relief or novelty or whatever) and got hooked. But you are still with her -- and that is a good start.
Counseling is good, probably even necessary in your case. I would also recommend looking at this site, http://www.reuniting.info/ it has meant the world for me. If I had understood these concepts many years ago, I might have saved my first marriage.
Peace and Stay Strong!
OldHornyGuy
Active Member
Sounds like you are on the right track! You might want to have her start reading (and you should too) http://yourbrainonporn.com/. One thing you will both have to understand as you go through this is that "you are not your brain." Different parts of our brains are wired up for certain functions and they don't communicate on a conscious level. This is how we can end up looking at porn that horrifies us. The reward circuit is doing one thing and our conscious self is doing something else. If you look around here (and on YBOP) you will see this phenomenon all the time.
If it is any consolation to your wife, in reality, this is YOUR issue. Your brain lead you astray and yes you have some accountability for that (which you are taking responsibility for!) but that does NOT mean that you love her less or that she is any less desirable as a woman. You wandered into the dark part of the forest and your eyes began to see differently. When you come back into the light, things will look normal again.
Peace and Stay Strong!
If it is any consolation to your wife, in reality, this is YOUR issue. Your brain lead you astray and yes you have some accountability for that (which you are taking responsibility for!) but that does NOT mean that you love her less or that she is any less desirable as a woman. You wandered into the dark part of the forest and your eyes began to see differently. When you come back into the light, things will look normal again.
Peace and Stay Strong!
Brooklyn Jerry
Active Member
I too have watched gay porn a few times,most likely due to it being one of categories in the website I was looking at. I will admit I did once have a sexual encounter with a TV hooker. She was dancing in a strip club and for looked hot. After many yours of drinking the place closed and I offered it a ride . I tied to P but no go but did get oral. Over the years at bachelor parties, retirements we always had strippers putting on a show. I did once go up one stage and participate in a lesbian show. What a mistake coming home with a cum splattered shirt tail and pants.
Three times in my marriage there were issues between my wife and I with porn. Once she found some magazines, then a phone bill with a call to a sex line,and Internet history of a visit to a porn site. I am sure it hurt her deeply. But we got through it. A few time we watched porn together at home, but she didn't like it, thought I would compare her to girls in the videos. I admit I didn't like,watching it too much with her, she may have been comparing my junk with the porn actors.
I know for sure I would have no desire to pay for gay porn , and the fact that most porn is available free just makes matters worse for us that seem hooked. I am far from an expert on anything,but it may be possible for some people to,use porn in a controlled fashion. A person not involved with a partner,may used it to relieve sexual frustration. But in my situation now and my age 64, I feel that frequent MO to porn was affecting my desire and arousal level?so much that I sought help from a dr. Just mow find it strange that I was not. asked about my use of porn . From what I have been reading addiction to porn escalates to harder and stranger things as the brain get used to the old stuff. I have gone a week with out looking at porn, but today while out,shopping I did notice a few hot women and had some sexual thoughts. That for sure is a habit hard to break,as Jimmy Carter said He lusted in his heart.
Three times in my marriage there were issues between my wife and I with porn. Once she found some magazines, then a phone bill with a call to a sex line,and Internet history of a visit to a porn site. I am sure it hurt her deeply. But we got through it. A few time we watched porn together at home, but she didn't like it, thought I would compare her to girls in the videos. I admit I didn't like,watching it too much with her, she may have been comparing my junk with the porn actors.
I know for sure I would have no desire to pay for gay porn , and the fact that most porn is available free just makes matters worse for us that seem hooked. I am far from an expert on anything,but it may be possible for some people to,use porn in a controlled fashion. A person not involved with a partner,may used it to relieve sexual frustration. But in my situation now and my age 64, I feel that frequent MO to porn was affecting my desire and arousal level?so much that I sought help from a dr. Just mow find it strange that I was not. asked about my use of porn . From what I have been reading addiction to porn escalates to harder and stranger things as the brain get used to the old stuff. I have gone a week with out looking at porn, but today while out,shopping I did notice a few hot women and had some sexual thoughts. That for sure is a habit hard to break,as Jimmy Carter said He lusted in his heart.
PMOVictory
Active Member
Desperate
Glad to hear that you are still rebooting with no relapse.
Sad to hear about your wife and that she found you out. However, having my wife caught me red handed was the best thing that could happen to me, and ultimately us. Feel free to read my post from start to finish. This will give you an idea of how deep I were in this mess.
Glad you went to seek some help.
It sure will help your wife a lot if she can understand that your porn addiction and PMO has nothing to do with her. You are the addict and this is who you are and that does not determine who she is.
Take the advice of the others. Read as much as you can on YBOP and other sites about the addiction. Let your wife read and study for herself as well. This will give her insight. At the end of the day this might give her more understanding and compassion for your problem and by that also be able to support you in your struggle to get PMO free and reboot fully.
Stay strong and be Blessed!
Glad to hear that you are still rebooting with no relapse.
Sad to hear about your wife and that she found you out. However, having my wife caught me red handed was the best thing that could happen to me, and ultimately us. Feel free to read my post from start to finish. This will give you an idea of how deep I were in this mess.
Glad you went to seek some help.
It sure will help your wife a lot if she can understand that your porn addiction and PMO has nothing to do with her. You are the addict and this is who you are and that does not determine who she is.
Take the advice of the others. Read as much as you can on YBOP and other sites about the addiction. Let your wife read and study for herself as well. This will give her insight. At the end of the day this might give her more understanding and compassion for your problem and by that also be able to support you in your struggle to get PMO free and reboot fully.
Stay strong and be Blessed!
hey guys can anyone help I feel I am going mad I have been telling my wife about how I watched gay porn and it did nothing for me I had no erection did not want to masturbate and had no sexually feelings at all she thinks I am lying and that I am gay is this possible that you can keep watching but feel nothing has this happened too anyone else please help
OldHornyGuy
Active Member
Hi Desperate,
Hang in there, my friend. There are many people who seem to think that if you watch a certain kind of porn that you must be "really" oriented in that direction. And when I say "many people" I am saying mostly people who have not looked at this addiction very closely. You will find all kinds of accounts here where people were looking at things that, after their reboot, repulse them.
You know what your orientation is and eventually your wife will come around to understanding that.
In the mean time, stay clean, cuddle with your wife as much as she will let you and keep going to counseling, which is your best chance for getting things back on track again.
Peace and Stay Strong!
Hang in there, my friend. There are many people who seem to think that if you watch a certain kind of porn that you must be "really" oriented in that direction. And when I say "many people" I am saying mostly people who have not looked at this addiction very closely. You will find all kinds of accounts here where people were looking at things that, after their reboot, repulse them.
You know what your orientation is and eventually your wife will come around to understanding that.
In the mean time, stay clean, cuddle with your wife as much as she will let you and keep going to counseling, which is your best chance for getting things back on track again.
Peace and Stay Strong!
B
BreakingTheFapCycle
Guest
Hello desperate. I'm glad I'm not the only one battling the gay porn demon. I have never wanted to go with a man in my life, in fact the thought repulses me yet if I see a gay person on tv or see a gay guy in the street immediately I'm thinking that I'm gay and then not before long I head across to a gay porn site and watch men sticking their dicks up other men's asses and all sorts. It doesn't excite me at all, no movement downstairs at all but I can't stop watching it. Yet when I go to Playboy or Sports Illustrated or some lesbian porno I shoot my load pretty much straight away. I think what's been said before is correct, it messes up our heads and the fear of looking at something like this ramps up the anxiety and fapping becomes the release for that. Stress and anxiety can trigger erections and a kind of erotic signature. Then we follow that signal and think "oh I need to fap" and away we go. I have managed just over 2 weeks without watching porn of any kind. For me, it's the realisation that when outdoors walking down the street I only check out women, when I've emotionally connected with another it's always been a woman and the fact that I live within a family where being gay wouldn't be an issue at all so if I was gay I could be. It's this damn fapping mentality which does it and porn of course is a monstrous entity which just distorts and warps anything which is real and true. I feel for what you are going through.
DeltaFosAware
Active Member
The attraction to Gay porn is one I have certainly shared most of my life! I've had a few Gay encounters in my youth and frankly found them enjoyable. I would not call myself bi-sexual but I would judge that yes, there is certainly a homo-erotic part to my sexuality and my partner know that full well. I really am trying to get back into real sex. Sort of 'skin to skin sex', not eyes to screen and hand to dick sex. To my mind the only way to do that is to re-humanise sex! My partner is a wonderful woman at the moment but frankly, it would work the same if she were a man!
What I do sense though, in ALL porn, is the fantastical, the deluge of erotic images, the eye to pixel contact that draws you in, provides variety (dicks creaming up male bums or in female pussies, to me it's really of no consequence where) and that's the heart of the addiction. There will always be one more click, one more image, one more money shot, one more come and think how quickly that wires your brain to think you can have anything you want, how ever and when ever you want served your way! Reality is NOT like that and you can not just 'click through' real person after real person, life after life, love after love, as soon as they bore you...You can try and physically I'm sure your porn high could even be bettered by your change of partner high but where do you stop...? Where foes your self enforced loneliness end and when do you not only find 'them' but find YOU?
What I do sense though, in ALL porn, is the fantastical, the deluge of erotic images, the eye to pixel contact that draws you in, provides variety (dicks creaming up male bums or in female pussies, to me it's really of no consequence where) and that's the heart of the addiction. There will always be one more click, one more image, one more money shot, one more come and think how quickly that wires your brain to think you can have anything you want, how ever and when ever you want served your way! Reality is NOT like that and you can not just 'click through' real person after real person, life after life, love after love, as soon as they bore you...You can try and physically I'm sure your porn high could even be bettered by your change of partner high but where do you stop...? Where foes your self enforced loneliness end and when do you not only find 'them' but find YOU?
PMOVictory
Active Member
Desperate, my advice to you will be to:
Keep on reading, by doing this you will educate yourself.
Stay true to your new found principles and beliefs. Even if it is difficult!
How to you build muscle and gain strength? Yes by exercising!
This is the same way that you will gain victory, by exercising your new beliefs.
It might not, and most of the time, be a walk in the park. but surely it will be worth it.
Stay strong and be Blessed!
Keep on reading, by doing this you will educate yourself.
Stay true to your new found principles and beliefs. Even if it is difficult!
How to you build muscle and gain strength? Yes by exercising!
This is the same way that you will gain victory, by exercising your new beliefs.
It might not, and most of the time, be a walk in the park. but surely it will be worth it.
Stay strong and be Blessed!