Age 24 - Honest Reflections | Began reboot in August 2013

[Tu 0 Seven]

Hey guys/fellow rebooters!


My name is 207, I am 24 years old, and I started rebooting in August, 2013. By that time, I was at rock hard bottom in every aspects of my life.

I had developed a full blown PIED, my girlfriend of 2 years left me, I became more than ever dependant on porn (10-11 years of use) and drugs (2 years), my health started to deplete, my social life became non-existent, and I was failing every exams at my university.




Days of 2013

A normal morning routine for me consisted of waking up, doing drugs + porn, then sleep back. After waking up later and having some food, I would jerk off more to porn, then start wandering around town and school feeling lost and dead, like a ghost. Nothing could excite me anymore, only the thought of getting home to get high and jerk off to porn. A vicous circle.

I could do this for days and not get in touch with anybody. When I did, I was only hanging out with either slouchers or other addicts (porn, bud, rooms, booze, etc). I was too weak-willed to hang out with normal, functional, confident people. I could not keep a conversation with them, and was always put out of my comfort-zone, so I avoided them, and they avoided me. And just like that, life was passing me by.


Change of heart

All of this led to the event of 2013, when I realized I could not take any of this anymore. I was so angry, frustrated, lonely, sad and lost, that I fessed up to my uncle one day when we were having tea, as he told me I look horrible. "How could I confess these kind of things to him that easily?" - I've been asking myself. I guess it was a spurr of the moment, my respect and trust for him just pushed through my shame and pride. I told him what has been up. I am so glad to have told him everything. He helped me in the process of getting off drugs, and has been my number 1 trust person to go to. Then I looked for videos to better myself, and one of it was the Demise of Guys, then the Porn Experient, and so my journey began. It would be hard to summarize everything I have been through since, but I'll try to stick them up.


My Process so far

1. The fresh fire phase: With the newly found motivation and inspiration, I started to abstain from PMO. The new sex energy + placebo effect wfrom reading success stories was enough to keep me going and making some good streaks even when I kept relapsing. The problem was that I kept waiting for more and more days to fill up, with the "Life awaits me after recovery" mindset, while I changed nothing else. I waited for wonders to suddenly happen in my life. And when I had 10+ days, I could not control the excess energy, which on most occasions turned into arrogance, like overcompensating for old self. This went on for 2-3 months.

2. The flat phase: By this time, the newly found mentality was gone. Things became same old, same old. Since I did not change the way I think, live or do things, old habits came back knocking. Willpower weakened. Lots of guilt and anger for on and off streaks, then PMO sessions. I hated myself for not being able to overcome it. This lasted 1-2 months.

3. The "I'm gonna do it this time" phase: Realizing I was slipping back into the old circle, I put more effort into it. Started implementing some good routines, one of it is morning exercising, which has been my aid to this very day. It consists of streching, gymnastics and meditation, then a cold shower. Around this time I took up a counter to count days.

4. "Don't understand myself" phase: Overconfidence would result in relapse. Began to open up emotionally, being too honest with other people, also an overcompensating for my past. Lots of pent-up feelings released. Started to figure out my bad habits, which after putting off drugs, remains indulging in pointless boozing and partying, dance humping with chicks which resulted in next day relapses. Also trying to figure out what to do with my life, since there was a void to fill after PMO. On and off relapses lasted 2-3 months. Around this time I read the infamous Underdog Thoughts on Rebooting article. I realized that the reason I kept failing was because I had the wrong mindset.


5. Real Recovery Phase: This is what have been going on with me to this day, for ~ 4 months.

Things I did:
Started to figure out what attributes I lack as a person, as a human being. Baseline honesty vs myself.
Started to change the way I think about life, using positive reinforcements and mantras.
Accepting responsibility for the things I have done so far in my life. Slowly I am accepting my past and failures and talk openly about it. Reconnecting with my family.
I am forcing things to do with my time, as an aid to mindfully taking part in the brain rebalancing.
I also started writing down my history as layers of memories start to peel up like an onion, as lots of thing in my past is a fog.
I deleted my counter, since it was more damaging to me to constantly knowing and counting the days. It was like a ticker bomb, a counterpressure 24-7 in my mind.
Regarding urges, I realized it was key to identify my triggers/rituals, so I can stop them in time. And I am ruthless with them. I.e. as soon as I am tired in front of the PC, I force myself to turn it off right away, and take a walk.
I gave up drinking and mindless partying.
I am doing some travel projects.

So things have been improving slowly but surely. There are moments when I feel really good, vibing and flirting with a random girl, or envisioning my bright future and doing steps towrads it, then there those moments when I feel braindead, barely being able to stand and hold eye-contact with the mailman, feeling down and out, behaving like a wierdo.

But I have accepted that it is gonna take time to heal whatever roller coaster I have put my brain through. 10 years of PMO, drugs, booze, partying, internet, wow. A gigantic amount of supernormal stimuli. I have made peace with being easy with myself, and let time heal, while I focus on my life. If it takes one more year, so be it. I try to make things happen for myself, baby step by baby step. It is really hard being honest with myself, and starting a lof of things from zero, but it is worth the fight.




PS
I also wanted to start a journal to document the things and feelings, ups and downs I go through during the process. Firstly for myself to learn from. And secondly for others, if any information here could be an aid to help you, I am filled with joy.

It was a long first post, so thanks for taking the time to read it!

207

 

[jkkk]

hey there, 207!

This a great, great story. Give yourself a credit for what you achieved so far.

It always amazes me, you know, that the deeper the sh*t in which someone, the more authentic and serious they are in working towards recover. Your story, as most stories here, is pretty disturbing.

But I admire that part of you that said "enough" and sought help. I think this latter thing is crucial.

What made you join here?

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

@jkkk

Thanks man. I wanted to use every possible outlet for my recovery, and writing my story while it happens is one of them.

I chose Reboot Nation because I believe this site will be huge in the coming years. Thanks to Gabe and the other creators, one can learn about their addiction from the articles/links/podcasts/etc, then jump right in the forum section for further information/discussions/journaling. It smartly infuses Your Brain On Porn with Your Brain Rebalanced. Plus it has an authentic face standing for it, Gabe, who has gone through the same struggles then recovered, and now is making public appearances. I believe in 2 years, this site will become a strong cornerstone for recovering porn addicts.




Today I felt like shit. Training did not help either. I still forced myself to go out and interact. My brain was not in flow with anything I wanted to absorb or learn.

I let go a lot of my toxic 'friends', so now I don't have any close friend left my age. Learning to make friends with people who are posotive and have a bright future vision is something I am working on.

I am traveling to a foreign country the day after tomorrow, but don't feel like it at all. Have not packed anything yet. I'll just go to bed, believe in my perseverance and vision, and wake up to a better day tomorrow.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Why was I dependant on mindstate altering substances, like Porn, Drugs or Alcohol?

Because growing up, I did not develop the necessary life skills to be able to take on life. Being dropped in a different culture at a young age, I could not learn the way to express myself and my feelings, which is essential in order to connect and bond with others. As a result, I never had any deep friendships growing up, which lasts to this very day. The second key factor is my perfectionism and inferiority complex, which came from a negative childhood, full of discouragements and mottos like "You are no good!" and "I wish I had another son!". So how did I cope when life got hard? I ran away, I hid behind the false protection of isolation, porn, drugs and alcohol.




Puberty hits at 24

As I recover now, at the age of 24, I am having realizations of a 14 year old teenager. I am discovering things. My mind is amazed. I am facing decisions as to where to head with my life. I want to ask a girl out, as it only happened reversed in my life so far. I am loving the process of bonding with someone, and sharing a piece of my heart and pains. I wanna learn and absorb things. And many more. As if puberty just hit me not long ago.

Now when I think about it, it makes me sad to have lost 10 precious years of my life. But as 50 said:

"Sunny days wouldn't be special if it wasn't for rain
Joy wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for pain
Death gotta be easy cause life is hard
It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred"

What I take away from it is that a coin always has two sides. In exchange for those 10 years, I had valueable life experiences. I have learnt that indulging in junk food, porn, drugs, alcohol and KO state partying was just a way of running away from my life's problems and hardships. In order to grow, I must face them head-on. I realized that I am just as good as I am right now, with all my faults and mistakes. And I wish to share it with other people, so that I can make connections. I am not ashamed of myself anymore.



Paying the Iron Price

In order to grow and develop myself, I choose to stay away from these substances. And to do that, the key is staying mindful in my every day actions. It starts with a commitment to go to bed in time, waking up early to exercise and meditate, and finishing up with a cold shower. This habit starts my day off wonderfully, and it almost is a reflex now, which I am very happy for. The allure of staying out late with others to drink and party is always there when I feel lonely at nights, but I choose to make new friends, in new environments. People who influence and leave an impact on the world. I embrace the ideal which states that whoever I associate myself with, lets me know who I am.

I am ready. I am willing to pay the Iron Price. And that is right now to start from ground zero in making bonds & connections.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Putting lots of effort in my socializing and communication in this foreign country. I plan to move here in 2015, so I am making baby steps for it to happen. Though it is hard, I am pushing through it, making mistakes and all. I love it. These days I feel that young 11-12 kid bursting out from me, who cares about others, and gives a lot to others, without wanting back anything in return.

Rebootwise my brain is random sometimes. Horny in thoughts, but no response down. Random half-boner, but no thoughts, and more. Whatever, brain rewire is all.


Daily related sayings:

"Successful people fail their way to the top."

"A journey of thousand miles begins with a single step."

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Reflection

It's strange how easy and simple it seems looking back. The quote of Socrates saying 'The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.' is so true and valuable, yet is so hard to fully grasp and live by.

They say time heals and kills. How true so. I have had the opportunity to witness this on myself, as I slowly and gradually changed in this past 1 year period. A year ago, I was desperate. I wanted to change suddenly. I wanted to alternate my whole self 180. But I just could not. I kept failing. Time after time.

But I did not give up. It was bad as hell, feeling lost for a very long time, but each time I kept coming back, and each time some portion of me got stronger. Each experience, each failure shaped me to be who I am today. And slowly, the new positive habits sharpen, as the bad old habits get dull. And it does not happen in 30 days. The seed must be watered every day in order for it to plant firm roots in the ground, so that eventually after years, the young tree can rise out to be strong.


Patience really is a virtue

So what it taught me was patience, and honesty with myself. If I lie to my own self, I would be cheated out from chances to grow. I already know that it's never going to be easy, so there is no point in running away. Problems will always be. I have the same amount of problems now as I did 1 year earlier. It's only the size of the problem that got bigger. From i.e. "What to eat for today? I can't decide" to "How can I convince a man to give me what I want, but without hurting his ego?"

I feel that slowly I am strong enough to plan my future for the next 1, 2, and 5 years. And how exciting that is.


PMO

Regarding PMO, I know that the old pathways are still looking for any and any, no matter how tiny it might be, cue or trigger to get its fix, so I have learnt never to look down on my opponent and be overconfident. I am just consciously saying no. There is no more harem at home, none on the laptop, no beef jerking, nothing. I am also doing the method of a succesful rebooted guy, who said he "cried to an emotional song, saying goodbye to all of his favorite porn stars." Eventully, his brain accepted and moved on, like an ex. So whenever an old image/scene/thought reminding PMO pops up, I will consciously say good bye to it. Slowly, only real women will be.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

PMO & Fantasy

Today there were couples of times when walking in city central, my eyes started to glue on women with great shape in nice skirts. My soldier responses down, and my mind starts to wonder. I stop and stare for a bit. Then I snap myself out of it, and ask: "Am I gonna do something about it to have her, or not? If not, stop googling." And it easily makes sense, and I stop and get back to normal. Fantasy achieves nothing else than frustration. I've failed many times to understand this.


Also I have this feeling of craving conversation with nice women to connect with them.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Damn, I got crazy urges today.

Just arrived home from my long trip, traveled 12 hours with transport. I used to relieve myself with a PMO, then go to sleep. Now I have to find another solution.

I also noticed a long flatline that has been going for 1-2 months now. I don't know the exact number since I ignore counting on purpose.

I think I will just keep on doing the things I do to improve my life and achieve my goals, and leave the rebalancing to itself.

 

[ksempai]

Hi 207

Wow you've got a great story. I read through it and see a great deal many similarities, then other parts not so much. That's partly what I love about this site. So many people from all around the globe who you get a tiny glimpse of into their life and journey otherwise you know nothing more of them. Yet we're all on a similar journey, but then so different. It's very humbling to have these connections, particularly when you can sometimes feel so alone going through this.

Great work with all your mindfulness work. It's something I've always had an interest in and always believed is the key to a lot of personal and life success.

That's about for now, but I will continue drop by every now and then. I like your attitude and mindset. Keep up the good work champ.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

@ksempai

Hey man, glad to see you drop by.

So many people from all around the globe who you get a tiny glimpse of into their life and journey otherwise you know nothing more of them. Yet we're all on a similar journey, but then so different. It's very humbling to have these connections, particularly when you can sometimes feel so alone going through this.

Greatly said. I believe that along with the online support, the more people you share it with in real life, the better your recovery will be. In my life my family, uncles nieces, cousins and etc.. all know about my past drug use. And the PMO, my dear uncle, and a great and only lady friend.

We are all the same, feeling happy, sad, frustrated, strong, tired, scared, alone and many other feelings. It is the sharing, stepping out of fear from telling someone that brings us closer to that person. I strive to build up my strong bonds with the people I trust. And it begins with giving a piece of my heart, goals, shame and fears. I wish you the same!

That's about for now, but I will continue drop by every now and then. I like your attitude and mindset. Keep up the good work champ.

Thanks mate!





Had a hot bath and listened to some Chopin and Mozart to relax after my trip. Woke up today being ill, I probably caught the flu. I had crazy urges to watch some porn today, but I just observed them, then mindfully redirected my focus and kept myself away from the PC.
Still very strong cues are: 1. being tired and alone, 2. doing nothing, (3. random erotic image.) So I am taking steps to replace them both.

Got some advice from an another uncle regarding my future plans. My conversation skills are imrpoving with people I don't know deeply yet. Still slow though.

Met up with my only girl friend (I don't believe in guy-girl longterm friendships, unless they are both manly, or both are womanly. In my case, this firend is very manly, so we can connect on a lot of front. She is not womanly at all, which makes for a great friendship.) I told her about my news on PMO, plans, fears, visions, while listening to her news as well. Had a great walk and talk in the inner city.

I am also a noob at noticing signs girls give. Today after I just sat down with this friend, 2 girls approched, and asked for a selfie with us. This one girl leaned totally on me. Then after a minute, I told my firend to leave, so we won't catch a cold seating, then this girl sat there and said Bye, waving cutely as to invite mw to talk. Then after it my friend told me that these all were signs for me to approach her, but I did not know at all. Only after she expalined to me, did I understand the leaning, the selfie, the waving and all. Such a noob I am haha. It's all good. Noticing these things take time as well.

I am also grateful to have such a supporting family. I bow down in gratitude, and take a silent moment to appreciate them, then go to rest.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

So Amazing

Today as I sat outside, I closed my eyes and could visualize almosteveryting that happened yesterday. The events I did, what followed what, the routes I took, the conversations I had, even when and where. I even felt back the feelings the others had when they talked.

What The Hell! This is so new and great! I could never do this before, I love it! It is these small positive changes that makes this whole process so great, while embracing the dark times as well.

I am so filled with joy.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Illness getting worse. Urges getting stronger and stronger.

My brain craves the littlest cues and stimuli it can get from the web, be it anything. I noticed my brain wanting to stare at a random erotic image that just popped up at a website which was totally unrelated to any adult material. It's so freightening how mindful one has to be to avoid all potential triggers in this current society.  I did not let it indulge though.

I might have to be offline until I recover from the flu. I feel so frustrated right now. Gonna drink 2-3 cups of hot tea with lemon and honey, then rest.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Today..

might have been the biggest emotional roller coaster ride I have had in a while. Felt like a woman on PMS.

I could not control myself a lot of times. Felt angry, frustrated, happy, depressed (just for a minute), peaceful, scared of the future, strong-minded (did not last long). Pretty random.


Family time

My uncle asked how I am doing PMO-wise. I told him sometimes it is hard, but it doesn't last long, and is getting easier and easier. I just replaced it with my activities that lead to my future vision, and keep taking baby steps. He taps me saying: "That's it!"


A woman's beauty

I caught myself staring at a FB picture of a beautiful girl today, and felt nothing.

Then I also stared at some beautiful real girl in the city, and felt nothing either. My good friend saw me checking them and she asked: "Do you wanna pick up girls? I am not a good wingman, haha." I told her the whole brain is fucked up by PMO, and for now I don't know what I am attracted to. Before I was searching out girls that dressed in tight clothes, party dresses, or looked like in porn. I looked at them and fantasized. But now none of them excites me anymore.



Only bonding with her, my friend, that felt really good. Like very deeply good. A feeling I cannot describe. But since I find her not attractive physically, I feel no more than a deep connection. A good friend I love to bond with.

I have a suspicion that when I am balanced back to normal, ask a girl I like out, share myself with her, good & bad, and when I feel vulnerable like shit with her, that is when real love will happen. I look forward to make love with her. I never made love, only fucked. This is getting exciting!

This vulnerability must feel like a newborn baby in it's mothers arms. Naked, but safe.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Unexpected

I decided to spend tonight alone so that nothing uncontrollable would happen. Well, well..

I made food, then decided to watch some relaxing or meaningful movie. The choice was 'The fault in our stars'. The atmosphere did not catch me, since I found the characters not authentic. But the music and the end was so beautiful.

As Gus, the male lead's voice said "She did not want the affection of many, only one. She was not loved widely, but deeply. And she got it. And isn't that more than most of us get?", I broke up and started crying like hell.

I started to feel this strong emotion of loneliness, of wanting to connect with somebody. I felt scared, insecure. I felt insignificant.

And I just cried more, listening to this song, for about 5 minutes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u36Ngi6gdQo



Then as a quote came up in the film: "If you want to see the rainbow, you have to deal with the rain.", the crying slowly faded.

As if something deep inside me starts to understand that yes, this is life. I will feel a lot of strong and raw emotions. I will feel sad, but then I will feel happy. Angry, then peaceful. Loved, then abandoned. Lonely, then bonded. And I will not run away from them, or numb them out with porn/alcohol/drugs. Not anymore.

And my God, it is so good to feel both of the sides. I mean there were times when I was zombified. I could not feel neither joy nor pain. I felt numbed to the brain and the bone. And now, as I am writing this, I started to cry again.

I don't care if it seems weak, I want to embrace all of this and record it. These became tears of joy, I am smiling while crying, it feels so really good. It is all a bit confusing, but it is alright, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in myself.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Feeling very low. Illness still in me. Spent yesterday ona boat. it was pretty windy, so I caught more cold in.

My social calendar is getting busier. I got much more responsibilities than before. I take on more things to do, accepting this and that. I complain less and less in real life, so I just try to take on the burdens, but sometimes, like today, I just wish to be left alone. Answering any and everyone with "Yeah, yeah." No energy for conversation.

I got pretty strong addiction urges today to watch porn, but I try to understand it for what it is. Even now when I feel like dying. I don't want to pour my frustration on anyone, so I am trying very hard not to lose my temper easily. But damn.

I just feel like swimming in the sea, then lie down on the beach sleeping. Or grab some chick and bang the shit out of her. Or shouting "fuck you all!" in a cave!

I think I could vent on for 2 hours more, so I'll control it and stop. I just feel very low and sad.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Great God Damn day!  ;D

Took more responsibility on myself in a community. My skills are improving rapidly. Illness is getting a tiny bit better.

Urges are very strong, but my mindfullness is stronger. It's been so long, I cannot recall the last time I PMOd.

I don't even remember what it feels like to, and honestly it feels good not to know. Though I know that just a tiny bit of underestimation can lead back to it, but I have built so many other outlets to pour my energies into over this 1 year. It feels like I am towering over this PMO castle. Anyways, I won't let my guards down.


Crucial Element

I realized that the mentality of "Porn is not an option!" is very imortant to succeed in the longterm.


Before, this looked like not changing the way I think, feel, do, and just say to myself that it is not an option, while I continuosly relapsed back.

Now it feels totally different. Now it rarely is an option. It means I am so busy improving muself with my real life, I don't have timefor PMO. And when I do, I realize it for what it is. An addiction urge.

Got 5 hours to sleep. But I'll fall into sleep with a smile.  Stay strong brothers, and keep pushing through!

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

This addiction really is a bitch!

Just when I wrote yesterday that things are going so well, I was just hit now by the biggest urge ever.

I am super tired after a long day, and just when I finished up with the shower, the cold stuck up again. Sneezed 10 times in a row. Started feeling low, so I came online to take my internet dopamine hit.  SUddenly while browsing, I found myself going back to the site where I used to download porn from. For a second I felt this huge rush, my rational side was saying "wtf dude?", but I just could not stop. I almost typed out the blocker, when luckily I remembered one of the most important sentences in my life:

"You can always take refugee in your breath."


I took 5 deep breaths, calmed down a bit, came here to post, and now I am shutting the PC down.

It really goes to show that I can never underestimate this addiction. Ever. damn. I feel a bit sad. I really want that hit! I have to connect emotionally with somebody tomorrow to get it instead of porn. Such a struggle.

 

[ksempai]

You're doing well Tu 0 Seven! I understand that feeling 100%!! Just keep going back to those routines and strategies you've been developing and building. For me my helper in those situations is jump in my car and drive. I head to all my old happy places. Places where I have positive social memories and I'll just sit their and thrive off that positive energy to get my back on track for where I should be heading that day to move me forward towards self betterment.

You do not have to continuously be reaching out to people every moment of the day. Sometimes there is just no one there. I had one of those days today. Every friend I contacted was busy or unavailable and I was left to my own devices, but I realised their is nothing wrong spending time by yourself to collect your thoughts. You need to know yourself to truly get to know and enjoy someone else's company.

Just take your time and breathe. It's one tough day out of the many thousands of great ones to come. I found something today which I think may be of interest to you also. Tendai Buddhist Monks embark upon the Kaihogyo quest. It's a 1000 day marathon challenge. You can find a good summary at www.jamesclear.com/mental-toughness-marathon-monks
If you don't trust yourself on the internet, print it off and sit down the beach or something.

Peace and goodwill bro.

 

[innergothkid]

Hey, dude. The highs are indeed high, and the lows are indeed low. But the highs are the highest, and the lows are short-lived. You can make it.

I just put together this list of tips of all the things that have helped me get this far. Maybe it'll help you out.

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

I PMOd 4 times today.

I did not enjoy it. I just lost mindfulness, and things became autopilot on my day off today. PMO, brainless films, snacks, junk food, bam. Strangely, it feels refreshing now. I don't feel any shame, disgust or lost about it like I used to. So I asked myself,


"Why not?"

In this past 4-5 months, I have shared this PMO thing openly with some of the people I trust, respect, and look up at in some areas of life. I have had deep conversations about emotion, attraction, physical sex, and harnessing sexual energy with my martial art sensei, buddhist monks, and succesful business men/women. They taught me that even they struggle with controlling sexual energy day by day, and they constantly have to work on harnessing it. It takes years, decades.

Through these, I feel like I have matured a lot. I left that naive perfectionist kid behind, and I became a wiser young realist person by my own experiences, as well as by encounters with these people. I learnt to go easy on myself, to let myself fall, and to embrace failures, and smile upon them as lessons.

I have done some pretty embarassing things during this months of recovery phase. From as little as forgetting the price tag on a travel present to let the presented see it, to as big as fucking up a speech during an important moment, or signing my initials on a sell paper before receiving the money. They all made me frustrated, but they also made me happy.

Because they all were things that I did for the first time. Facing my fears and discovering my life slowly, step by step gives me some kind of deep assurance and confidence. That I can do better next time, no matter how much time I fail. As they say, "A man can fail many times, but he is not a failure until he starts blaming somebody else."


Moving abroad

So tomorrow after sleeping, I'll just move on, and keep focusing my life and improving it.

Right now, I am handling all of my left stuff here in this country, so I can move to the foreign country I talked about and visited earlier. I feel intimidated of this move. Will be a big ass challange, but I have to do it. I cannot back out now. I feel scared of this big step into the totally new, unknown environment.

But I have already made the baby steps. Visiting it, and currently learning the language. Sigh. I am scared.


PS.

Thanks ksempai & innergothkid for the encouragement!

I feel so grateful for my mother, my sibling and cousin, my deep friends, my recovering health, and for recently truly understanding how karma works.

I'll probably take a few days off to regain my energies, and refocus on my life. Cheers readers!