innergothkid
Active Member
Good luck on the move, and keep it up. 
Setbacks are temporary.
Setbacks are temporary.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
@ksempai
I catch myself at moments when I truly understand how I work and operate, a lot of times these days. The bad and the good. It feels so humble and human. Anyway, thank you mate for the advices!
@innergothkid
Yeah, they seem so much more real. Higher, and lower. Like core deep feels mate. Thanks a lot, I will!
Strange days
I catch myself realizing this in my own life a great deal recently. It has a lot to do with being easy & accepting towards myself. Viewing things that happen from an outside perspective, and not judging myself harshly.
Counting the first 4, I PMO'd 10 times in the last 4 days. Honestly, it is a warning that this could have happened.
I felt no thrill searching out the porn, no thrill masturbating to it, no thrill orgasming, but still, I did it. Must be the old and ever automatically activated brain pathways.
My illness is at the lowest and worst point yet. Today I had to take 2 antibiotics, and slept 6 hours in the afternoon, that was funny.
Surprise?
What is surprising is that I have lost nothing from the skills I have gained so far. I am still a quick learner. Quicker at taking action than last year, sharp at realizing things, sharper day by day at communication, memory still working good. I still feel my brain rebalacing. It must be that I now have a life, contrary to 1 year earlier, so PMO does not make them all disappear, it just sets me back a bit. Everything is still fine.
It is only the base strength that I don't feel. I don't feel that fire that keeps me going, and going, and going. That creative energy that keeps pumping out new ideas when stimulated. The wittiness and charm. The glow on my face. All the plus.
But the will to take action, and keep failing to learn, that has stayed, and I am loving it. I am in no way perfect, I will keep failing a lot, and sometimes making confusing stuff like these last 4 days, but I'll accept this. It is also me.
Gratitude
One part of it must be that I have a very high achieving family, who are good influence to me. We came from the gutters, and on my mother's line, they all became succesful people. They all are an inspiration to me. All of them have good aspects, and bad. I keep pushing myself to learn as much as I can, before I leave for a new & foreign country.
I am grateful to my mother, my grandmother, my sibling, my cousins, my uncles. I am grateful to my few & deep friends. I am grateful to have a great recovering health and fitness. I am grateful to have many talents. I am grateful to all of you who shared your stories, strive to better yourselves, and regaining your consciousness in your everyday life.
I am grateful to those who have hurt me, wronged me, saddened me, fooled me, for I have became wiser from them.
You all make me more humble, and a better person.
Mother, I will take care of myself, slowly, step by step, so that later, I can take care of you.
I also am grateful how far I have come during this 1 year. Amazing experiences and fails and wins.
Goals
Recover ASAP from illness -> Building up my health & fitness again -> Finish up all left & pending business here -> Discovering the new community at the country/city where I plan to move -> Find a shelter & a place to study the language there-> Move abroad!
1. Action: Recover to functional health!
How to: I don't count days for a purpose, because of my philosophy, but now I will strive to reach 7 days to have the baseline energy back. AFter that, I will forget the counting once again. During, keep busy and handle all left business.
Yes, I can do it! Yes, I believe in myself! Yes, I love myself unconditionally.
(These are my daily mantras for 8 months now btw. They do wonders to my subconscious & confidence. I cannot recommend it enough.)
So that's it for today. Cheers everyone!
I catch myself at moments when I truly understand how I work and operate, a lot of times these days. The bad and the good. It feels so humble and human. Anyway, thank you mate for the advices!
@innergothkid
Yeah, they seem so much more real. Higher, and lower. Like core deep feels mate. Thanks a lot, I will!
Strange days
"The highest form of human intelligence is observing one self without judgement."
I catch myself realizing this in my own life a great deal recently. It has a lot to do with being easy & accepting towards myself. Viewing things that happen from an outside perspective, and not judging myself harshly.
Counting the first 4, I PMO'd 10 times in the last 4 days. Honestly, it is a warning that this could have happened.
I felt no thrill searching out the porn, no thrill masturbating to it, no thrill orgasming, but still, I did it. Must be the old and ever automatically activated brain pathways.
My illness is at the lowest and worst point yet. Today I had to take 2 antibiotics, and slept 6 hours in the afternoon, that was funny.
Surprise?
What is surprising is that I have lost nothing from the skills I have gained so far. I am still a quick learner. Quicker at taking action than last year, sharp at realizing things, sharper day by day at communication, memory still working good. I still feel my brain rebalacing. It must be that I now have a life, contrary to 1 year earlier, so PMO does not make them all disappear, it just sets me back a bit. Everything is still fine.
It is only the base strength that I don't feel. I don't feel that fire that keeps me going, and going, and going. That creative energy that keeps pumping out new ideas when stimulated. The wittiness and charm. The glow on my face. All the plus.
But the will to take action, and keep failing to learn, that has stayed, and I am loving it. I am in no way perfect, I will keep failing a lot, and sometimes making confusing stuff like these last 4 days, but I'll accept this. It is also me.
Gratitude
One part of it must be that I have a very high achieving family, who are good influence to me. We came from the gutters, and on my mother's line, they all became succesful people. They all are an inspiration to me. All of them have good aspects, and bad. I keep pushing myself to learn as much as I can, before I leave for a new & foreign country.
I am grateful to my mother, my grandmother, my sibling, my cousins, my uncles. I am grateful to my few & deep friends. I am grateful to have a great recovering health and fitness. I am grateful to have many talents. I am grateful to all of you who shared your stories, strive to better yourselves, and regaining your consciousness in your everyday life.
I am grateful to those who have hurt me, wronged me, saddened me, fooled me, for I have became wiser from them.
You all make me more humble, and a better person.
Mother, I will take care of myself, slowly, step by step, so that later, I can take care of you.
I also am grateful how far I have come during this 1 year. Amazing experiences and fails and wins.
Goals
Recover ASAP from illness -> Building up my health & fitness again -> Finish up all left & pending business here -> Discovering the new community at the country/city where I plan to move -> Find a shelter & a place to study the language there-> Move abroad!
1. Action: Recover to functional health!
How to: I don't count days for a purpose, because of my philosophy, but now I will strive to reach 7 days to have the baseline energy back. AFter that, I will forget the counting once again. During, keep busy and handle all left business.
Yes, I can do it! Yes, I believe in myself! Yes, I love myself unconditionally.
(These are my daily mantras for 8 months now btw. They do wonders to my subconscious & confidence. I cannot recommend it enough.)
So that's it for today. Cheers everyone!
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
What is my goal with the reboot?
First, it started out as an attempt to gain those infamous superpowers to turn my life around. Regaining normal sexual function was also a goal, since I progressed to ED during the years of porn. I remembered losing my virginity around 19 with a limp dick on a condom, lasting about 20 seconds in the girl. Pretty emberassing it was. So when I found out about YBOP, I started blaming EVERYTHING on porn. "Porn ruined my life!"
Then, it became an obsession about abstaining from PMO. Keeping sexual energy and try transmutation and overanalyzing and whatnot. "More days = more sexual energy = more superpowers." I was desperately counting days, believeing the more days my counter had, the more successful I will be in life. I was so hard on myself each time I failed.
Because of resetting my counter on and off again, I thought about the Underdog mentioned mentality, which is to focus on my life instead of worrying about my PMO & counter 0-24. I remember always coming everyday to check it out. "Wow, already at day 12, it looks so cool. Tomorrow it will be 13." And just like that, it became a counter pressure, constantly bugging me to focus on it.
So slowly, changing my life became the more important issue. I stopped counting days. I stopped focusing on porn. The bricks I laid on the road became firm. And just like that, as this last PMO session happened, it turned out not to be as bad as I thought it to be.
I did not break down like before. I kept focusing on my life. Porn is now not the enemy. My life does not suck because of porn. My life sucked because I sucked. I started to watch porn because I was a horny hormone raged teenager. But I kept watching porn because I sucked at life. Simple. Constant.
So what to do now?
1. Handle life & it's emotions: Keep moving forward like I have been, and keep on improving my life & skills.
2. Recover from PIED: Abstain from porn. Be ruthless with porn. Not even a second should be wasted on it. Identifymore triggers. But if shit still hits the fan, stand up and do again. Slowly, the pathways weaken. I already got 1 year under my belt. + I feel in my core that I want to look for GF material, just like my uncle advised.
All in all, my goal with the reboot is to live each of my days mindfully.
Knowing, and wanting to do the actions that I do. And not because of what I am programmed and told to do.
Less consumerism, less control by the mediums, more mindfullness, more emotional maturity and more conscious decisions. The rest will come according to my karma. Peace out!
First, it started out as an attempt to gain those infamous superpowers to turn my life around. Regaining normal sexual function was also a goal, since I progressed to ED during the years of porn. I remembered losing my virginity around 19 with a limp dick on a condom, lasting about 20 seconds in the girl. Pretty emberassing it was. So when I found out about YBOP, I started blaming EVERYTHING on porn. "Porn ruined my life!"
Then, it became an obsession about abstaining from PMO. Keeping sexual energy and try transmutation and overanalyzing and whatnot. "More days = more sexual energy = more superpowers." I was desperately counting days, believeing the more days my counter had, the more successful I will be in life. I was so hard on myself each time I failed.
Because of resetting my counter on and off again, I thought about the Underdog mentioned mentality, which is to focus on my life instead of worrying about my PMO & counter 0-24. I remember always coming everyday to check it out. "Wow, already at day 12, it looks so cool. Tomorrow it will be 13." And just like that, it became a counter pressure, constantly bugging me to focus on it.
So slowly, changing my life became the more important issue. I stopped counting days. I stopped focusing on porn. The bricks I laid on the road became firm. And just like that, as this last PMO session happened, it turned out not to be as bad as I thought it to be.
I did not break down like before. I kept focusing on my life. Porn is now not the enemy. My life does not suck because of porn. My life sucked because I sucked. I started to watch porn because I was a horny hormone raged teenager. But I kept watching porn because I sucked at life. Simple. Constant.
So what to do now?
1. Handle life & it's emotions: Keep moving forward like I have been, and keep on improving my life & skills.
2. Recover from PIED: Abstain from porn. Be ruthless with porn. Not even a second should be wasted on it. Identifymore triggers. But if shit still hits the fan, stand up and do again. Slowly, the pathways weaken. I already got 1 year under my belt. + I feel in my core that I want to look for GF material, just like my uncle advised.
All in all, my goal with the reboot is to live each of my days mindfully.
Knowing, and wanting to do the actions that I do. And not because of what I am programmed and told to do.
Less consumerism, less control by the mediums, more mindfullness, more emotional maturity and more conscious decisions. The rest will come according to my karma. Peace out!
Vincent
Active Member
You give off some great atmosphere the way you are writing things. I very much respect the way you deal with the urges and every new happening on the journey. It is interesting to discover new things every day, new stuff every week. We probably learn more about ourselfes than we knew before we started the reboot.
It takes three things to make it through situations like ours:
- courage (to start and accept who you are)
- determination (to begin a new chapter)
- endurance (to go all the way)
The only way to see whether we succeded or not is to feel it in every hair, nail and piece of skin we have.
I really hope you change your life the way you want to. I wish the best to you and please keep on writing.
all the best,
Vincent
It takes three things to make it through situations like ours:
- courage (to start and accept who you are)
- determination (to begin a new chapter)
- endurance (to go all the way)
The only way to see whether we succeded or not is to feel it in every hair, nail and piece of skin we have.
I really hope you change your life the way you want to. I wish the best to you and please keep on writing.
all the best,
Vincent
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Vincent said:
@Vincent
Kudos! I agree fully with the discovery thing. Every single day, there is something new.
I am glad that my writing is of any help mate.
Thank you for the great wishes! Yes, I will keep on writing. As I stated in my first post, this journal is just as for me as it is for other readers & rebooters! I hope my honesty is a good way to inspire others and contribute to this great society!
Good will & peace man!
Today, I had a deep conversation with my uncle.
He said: "I warn you about this. When you go abroad, in the beginning, expect days, and a lot of them, when you go home alone and suffer in loneliness. Society won't give a shit about you. People won't give a shit about you. They will step over you. When this happens: 1. Don't get addicted to anything, 2. This is when you will learn to appreciate the love and care your mother now provides you, and you will understand what to look for in a woman. You will mature, and you will get that love & care is what you need from a woman. That when you have nothing, she still cares for and loves you. That is the quality you need to look for. Of course, as we are men, our desire to f*ck nice women will always be there. But lust & sex is fleeting and unsatisfactory, if there is no love."
This was some pretty serious Adele deep talk, it is still affecting me as I still think about the love I feel for my mother, even now.
Sadly, what he said is right. Life will chew me up out there. It is a big world. But I will prevail. Make my way in life, then find my woman.
Another thing he said was: "You know, I was very glad when you confessed up to me that you used drugs. That you did PMO. That you drank with no control. And that you want to leave it behind, and change. When a boy takes responsibility for what he does, he becomes a man."
This shit almost made me cry. As I never had a father figure (mine never cared for me, neither emotionally nor verbally), receiving this talks are very far from me, so it is hard for me to react to them. But now as it slowly seeps in me, I feel this deep feeling of joy.
I am very grateful for these people in my life. Without them, I don't exist. Without them, I am nothing.
You uncle is a very wise man Tu 0 Seven. I am glad for your sake that you have the contact with him, but also that you share his wisdom's. It's helped bring me back to reality right now in a time of struggle.
His remarks about love are so true! It's something I discovered myself which I've yearned for and motivated me to embark upon my journey. It is something very important to remember as it helps to keep you true to your word. The desire for love can overpower any other thoughts.
I wish you luck on your travels. What your uncle said about it is very true, but I also think it makes some things easier. When I have traveled or embarked upon extended trips I find I've become more free and strive to reach what I desire because I have nothing to hold me back. Nothing at the beginning is boring and monotonous and just the same old routine. It is all new and the mind flourishes in new.
His remarks about love are so true! It's something I discovered myself which I've yearned for and motivated me to embark upon my journey. It is something very important to remember as it helps to keep you true to your word. The desire for love can overpower any other thoughts.
I wish you luck on your travels. What your uncle said about it is very true, but I also think it makes some things easier. When I have traveled or embarked upon extended trips I find I've become more free and strive to reach what I desire because I have nothing to hold me back. Nothing at the beginning is boring and monotonous and just the same old routine. It is all new and the mind flourishes in new.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Yeah, I am also glad that I have him. We don't always agree, but that is human nature and growth, and our different phases we are at in life! Thanks guys!
Thanks ksempai! I hope I will, although I am not traveling, I am moving there, which makes it harder, but I'll adjust when the new circumstances are presented!
So, Tu 0 Seven, where do you see yourself in 2 years?
Thanks ksempai! I hope I will, although I am not traveling, I am moving there, which makes it harder, but I'll adjust when the new circumstances are presented!
So, Tu 0 Seven, where do you see yourself in 2 years?
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
The next 2 years
First of all, I see myself maturing a lot during this time. Both emotionally, and physically.
Then, I see myself being put out there into the real round world. Working with people from different cultures. Facing different difficulties. There are tons of new things I am being hit with right now.. It is scary.
"A: I don't know what I am gonna do. I am like.. am like... fucking lost!
B: Well, I think that's a good place to start."
But most of all, I am 24 years old, and I don't have the faintest idea what I am going to do with my life yet.
The step I am taking right now, into the unknown, into the doors of maturity, is generally being taken by others at 18. I have lost some time. It feels embarassing when others my age are already achieving so much.
But the bright side is that I stopped walking down the wrong path. The only reason I have been brought back from the dark side, is that I started getting love. I know it sounds corny, but it's true what the Beatles were singing, "All you need is love!"
I've heard that the only way to turn back the most hardened criminal is to give him a woman's love. And now I felt it in my skin too. That was what I started getting a couple of years back, from my mother and my ex.
The 2 paths
It is a lovely Monday. The sun is shining, the wind is breezing through my window, and as I look at the calendar, something nice is looking back. I just turned 27 today. Time to get up.
I can hardly pick myself up because my bones are aching. That is what happens when you keep wasting yourself after college is already over. "Man, did we have a blast yesterday with the boys" - I'm thinking. Finally, I am alone, time to roll up a joint. "Wake n bake then masturbate", you know it!
I am going to the kitchen to find some drinkable fluid to go with the joint. Then I ready my laptop, putting some erotic dance in to get me going while I start on the first hit. My lungs hurt like hell, but I endure. Because I need to get that high. I need it. I just need it so bad!
Meanwhile I am already over 2 joints, and I feel no high yet. Time to do something stronger. Let's catch up with our friend.
Within 1-2 hours, some bs mutual talk and hanging out later, I am finally back to be alone. To have my routine. To satisfy a hunger that can never be satisfied. To dot on a vicious circle.
"Finally, the awaited high! Now let's top that with a PMO!"
After I finish, I go to the bathroom to clean up. I look into the mirror. A guy with no conscious looks back. My hair is dry and is falling out. My mouth looks purple. My teeth are all yellow and dried out. My eyes are faded. My throat is sore. My whole body is hurting. I feel like fucking crying. I don't want this to go on. I want to change. "Why am I such a loser? Why can't I change, huh??" - I start to cry. "Fuck you! I fucking hate you! Go and fucking die off!"[/i] - but I can't, it's in human nature to cling on.
I am all alone. I don't know what to do. I have nobody. I am so sad and lost. A voice in my head calls. "Hey, do some drug and PMO, and this all will be better." And follow him I do, as I have no control. Days, months, years are just passing by, repeating this routine over and over again. I am living terrified in a circle that can never end.
Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoudler. What is this strange feeling? A touch ? And a woman's whispering? What could this be?
Slowly, I start to gain consciousness. My loving, gorgeous girlfriend is leaning on me, while she stares and asks, "Are you alright honey? You looked like you were having some pretty bad dreams!"
"Oh, love! You would not believe it. It was as if I was shown what my life would have been like if I did not take steps to change it! It was scary real! Come on, I'll tell you all about it during our morning exercises!"
That night, as I finish my evening tea, which is a time to reflect, thoughts came about the morning dream. I am visualizing how my life turned out to be. I visualize the one in my dreams, and the one I have had the last 2 to 3 years.
From being this weirdo who people always avoided and looked away when they saw, I became someone people are happy to welcome and share things with.
From someone who was numb, both in appearances and emotional, I learnt to understand my emotions, my past and my present, and gladly sharing it with the people who are close to me, whom I trust. I look up to and learn from people I respect, starting from my family.
From someone whose health reminded you of a work camp, I became vibrant and energetic. My lungs and my inner parts regained functional health. My physics is great, and my mind is being sharpened every single day, for I belive mindfulness is key, forever.
From someone who was scared from life, I came to appreciate the unknown, the new, the uncomfortable, for I know that is what's going to make me grow as a human being.
From someone who was desperately trying to be perfectionist and cared so much about what other people thought, I slowly found my own virtues and standards. I became more mature and humble. I know what my inner self tells me to do, and I am going to keep doing it, no matter what others think about it.
I take a moment to feel humble for all the hardship life has put in front of me to overcome, and I say a prayer for all the people I am grateful for. Suddenly, a picture of myself finding YBOP pops up. It puts a satisfied smile on my face. I think to myself, "It sure as hell wasn't easy, but was it worth it?"
Then, I picture my 2 paths, "You damn bet it was."
First of all, I see myself maturing a lot during this time. Both emotionally, and physically.
Then, I see myself being put out there into the real round world. Working with people from different cultures. Facing different difficulties. There are tons of new things I am being hit with right now.. It is scary.
"A: I don't know what I am gonna do. I am like.. am like... fucking lost!
B: Well, I think that's a good place to start."
But most of all, I am 24 years old, and I don't have the faintest idea what I am going to do with my life yet.
The step I am taking right now, into the unknown, into the doors of maturity, is generally being taken by others at 18. I have lost some time. It feels embarassing when others my age are already achieving so much.
But the bright side is that I stopped walking down the wrong path. The only reason I have been brought back from the dark side, is that I started getting love. I know it sounds corny, but it's true what the Beatles were singing, "All you need is love!"
I've heard that the only way to turn back the most hardened criminal is to give him a woman's love. And now I felt it in my skin too. That was what I started getting a couple of years back, from my mother and my ex.
The 2 paths
It is a lovely Monday. The sun is shining, the wind is breezing through my window, and as I look at the calendar, something nice is looking back. I just turned 27 today. Time to get up.
I can hardly pick myself up because my bones are aching. That is what happens when you keep wasting yourself after college is already over. "Man, did we have a blast yesterday with the boys" - I'm thinking. Finally, I am alone, time to roll up a joint. "Wake n bake then masturbate", you know it!
I am going to the kitchen to find some drinkable fluid to go with the joint. Then I ready my laptop, putting some erotic dance in to get me going while I start on the first hit. My lungs hurt like hell, but I endure. Because I need to get that high. I need it. I just need it so bad!
Meanwhile I am already over 2 joints, and I feel no high yet. Time to do something stronger. Let's catch up with our friend.
Within 1-2 hours, some bs mutual talk and hanging out later, I am finally back to be alone. To have my routine. To satisfy a hunger that can never be satisfied. To dot on a vicious circle.
"Finally, the awaited high! Now let's top that with a PMO!"
After I finish, I go to the bathroom to clean up. I look into the mirror. A guy with no conscious looks back. My hair is dry and is falling out. My mouth looks purple. My teeth are all yellow and dried out. My eyes are faded. My throat is sore. My whole body is hurting. I feel like fucking crying. I don't want this to go on. I want to change. "Why am I such a loser? Why can't I change, huh??" - I start to cry. "Fuck you! I fucking hate you! Go and fucking die off!"[/i] - but I can't, it's in human nature to cling on.
I am all alone. I don't know what to do. I have nobody. I am so sad and lost. A voice in my head calls. "Hey, do some drug and PMO, and this all will be better." And follow him I do, as I have no control. Days, months, years are just passing by, repeating this routine over and over again. I am living terrified in a circle that can never end.
Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoudler. What is this strange feeling? A touch ? And a woman's whispering? What could this be?
Slowly, I start to gain consciousness. My loving, gorgeous girlfriend is leaning on me, while she stares and asks, "Are you alright honey? You looked like you were having some pretty bad dreams!"
"Oh, love! You would not believe it. It was as if I was shown what my life would have been like if I did not take steps to change it! It was scary real! Come on, I'll tell you all about it during our morning exercises!"
That night, as I finish my evening tea, which is a time to reflect, thoughts came about the morning dream. I am visualizing how my life turned out to be. I visualize the one in my dreams, and the one I have had the last 2 to 3 years.
From being this weirdo who people always avoided and looked away when they saw, I became someone people are happy to welcome and share things with.
From someone who was numb, both in appearances and emotional, I learnt to understand my emotions, my past and my present, and gladly sharing it with the people who are close to me, whom I trust. I look up to and learn from people I respect, starting from my family.
From someone whose health reminded you of a work camp, I became vibrant and energetic. My lungs and my inner parts regained functional health. My physics is great, and my mind is being sharpened every single day, for I belive mindfulness is key, forever.
From someone who was scared from life, I came to appreciate the unknown, the new, the uncomfortable, for I know that is what's going to make me grow as a human being.
From someone who was desperately trying to be perfectionist and cared so much about what other people thought, I slowly found my own virtues and standards. I became more mature and humble. I know what my inner self tells me to do, and I am going to keep doing it, no matter what others think about it.
I take a moment to feel humble for all the hardship life has put in front of me to overcome, and I say a prayer for all the people I am grateful for. Suddenly, a picture of myself finding YBOP pops up. It puts a satisfied smile on my face. I think to myself, "It sure as hell wasn't easy, but was it worth it?"
Then, I picture my 2 paths, "You damn bet it was."
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
PMO
Today I did PMO. I was triggered by something new, which I identified by now.
When everything goes well, and I'm like on the "life rush", by the time I get home, I'm still on this adrenaline ride from the day. And it's as if my brain is looking to top that rush, and Bam, comes in the PMO.
Feels like I get new levels of triggers now, which is not very good news. It's intimidating to think that this kind of life things can trigger you to PMO as well.
Meeh. It looks like the brain still associates any dopamine rush , be it real life or not, with PMO.
I will do my best to realize them in time.
Friends
After the PMO, I rested up, did some training, then called up this friend. The highlight of the day was meeting up with him, after a long-time-no-talk. We are very like-minded people. I share everything with him, and it was so good to connect with him today, and be mindful of every minute with it. We talked about future plans, past, PMO, girls, character, visions, etc.
I thanked him for being my friend, and asked him to keep concact on Skype when I move abroad.
Life
I felt so awful for canceling a language lesson after the last minute today. I totally forgot about it, then called the teacher when it was time to study. Before this did not bother me at all, but the me right now feels awful. Next time I will apologize in person, and promise I will not do this again, and I will mean it.
She could have done other things with that time if I called hours before it.
Gratitude
"A: ...And pray every day!
B: Man, I don't know. I'm more of an atheist kinda guy.
A: Dude, praying doesn't have to be about a bearded guy in the sky. It just has to be to something bigger than you. A higher power."
I am grateful to my firends today.
And I believe that as long as I keep myself to perservere each day to do my morning training, which is a higher power than me (perserverance), I will be able to keep mindfulness every day, and slowly overwrite the PMO in my cells.
Today I did PMO. I was triggered by something new, which I identified by now.
When everything goes well, and I'm like on the "life rush", by the time I get home, I'm still on this adrenaline ride from the day. And it's as if my brain is looking to top that rush, and Bam, comes in the PMO.
Feels like I get new levels of triggers now, which is not very good news. It's intimidating to think that this kind of life things can trigger you to PMO as well.
Meeh. It looks like the brain still associates any dopamine rush , be it real life or not, with PMO.
I will do my best to realize them in time.
Friends
After the PMO, I rested up, did some training, then called up this friend. The highlight of the day was meeting up with him, after a long-time-no-talk. We are very like-minded people. I share everything with him, and it was so good to connect with him today, and be mindful of every minute with it. We talked about future plans, past, PMO, girls, character, visions, etc.
I thanked him for being my friend, and asked him to keep concact on Skype when I move abroad.
Life
I felt so awful for canceling a language lesson after the last minute today. I totally forgot about it, then called the teacher when it was time to study. Before this did not bother me at all, but the me right now feels awful. Next time I will apologize in person, and promise I will not do this again, and I will mean it.
She could have done other things with that time if I called hours before it.
Gratitude
"A: ...And pray every day!
B: Man, I don't know. I'm more of an atheist kinda guy.
A: Dude, praying doesn't have to be about a bearded guy in the sky. It just has to be to something bigger than you. A higher power."
I am grateful to my firends today.
And I believe that as long as I keep myself to perservere each day to do my morning training, which is a higher power than me (perserverance), I will be able to keep mindfulness every day, and slowly overwrite the PMO in my cells.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
PMO-wise I have a great chaser effect today.
Started body weight working out again after the 3 week illness, infused with my martial arts.
Went to a good friend's birthday dinner, then party. Had a great talk with one of the girls there, whom I never had the chance to talk 1-1 with before.
Still a lot to improve.
Started body weight working out again after the 3 week illness, infused with my martial arts.
Went to a good friend's birthday dinner, then party. Had a great talk with one of the girls there, whom I never had the chance to talk 1-1 with before.
Still a lot to improve.
Vincent
Active Member
Your doing a great job. The relapse usually leads to some kind of depression which you seemed to conquer with an analysis of the trigger. I think that is a very good approach. I will use this one, too.
By now I am thinking it is more about slowly getting farther and farther away from PMO than it is about the days challenge. still, the aim of 90 Days is a good one, and a hard one as well....
keep it up,
By now I am thinking it is more about slowly getting farther and farther away from PMO than it is about the days challenge. still, the aim of 90 Days is a good one, and a hard one as well....
keep it up,
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Vincent said:
Let time decide that for you mate! For me it took around 7-8 months to change my perspective. Anyway, I am glad for your realization. Thanks!
Today as I was using my laptop, an urge to seek out Porn came up. So I decided to use that urge to pursue the girl I talked with yesterday.
I asked her to go for a walk and talk tomorrow, and she said yes. I vibe good with her, and I like her character.
This is the first time I ever initiated with a girl. Before it was always them making the first move. This makes me feel manly. I am glad. Again, I made a baby step of stepping out of my comfort zone.
Soon, these small baby steps will add up. Slowly, and surely. "I believe in myself!"
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Today I am just gonna document some random thoughts down.
2 rebooter types
One who had a life before Porn, but got addicted to Porn because lost the job/girlfriend left/someone died/something very shitty happened/etc. Those recover fast, because all they have to do is consciously make an effort to go back to their life before, and keep at it diligently.
The second is one who did not have a life, so he got addicted to Porn. This type practically gets addicted to anything, be it food/video games/alcohol/drugs/porn, since there is no real life accomplishment. This type takes a very long time to heal, since he has to build it from the ground up.
I fall into the latter one, so the reboot for me is not only about getting cured from PIED by abstaining from Porn, but to build up a life. It's going fine. Sometimes I get impatient, but then I'll talk to people I trust about it, and they readjust me.
Virtues
I am still bitchy sometimes with my mother when she comesor calls. It is because I am not the person I was before, weak and helpless. So sometimes when she does something for me, I get angry because I can handle things myself. I am gonna work on this.
Cultivating patience and diligence is not easy, but I am commiting myself to it, by practising martial arts and meditation every day.
PMO
I did one yesterday. The trigger is just being alone. Which comes from the fact that I have many things to do, but I don't have a fixed system, a core weekly schedule yet. Because of this, there are days when I am full, there are days when I have nothing to do.
This is something I MUST work on right now! So action: Work on to have a weekly schedule!
Im going for some bodyweight training, after that dinner invite, after that picking up some foreign guests.
I really need that weekly schedule, without that, PMO will still be an option.
2 rebooter types
One who had a life before Porn, but got addicted to Porn because lost the job/girlfriend left/someone died/something very shitty happened/etc. Those recover fast, because all they have to do is consciously make an effort to go back to their life before, and keep at it diligently.
The second is one who did not have a life, so he got addicted to Porn. This type practically gets addicted to anything, be it food/video games/alcohol/drugs/porn, since there is no real life accomplishment. This type takes a very long time to heal, since he has to build it from the ground up.
I fall into the latter one, so the reboot for me is not only about getting cured from PIED by abstaining from Porn, but to build up a life. It's going fine. Sometimes I get impatient, but then I'll talk to people I trust about it, and they readjust me.
Virtues
I am still bitchy sometimes with my mother when she comesor calls. It is because I am not the person I was before, weak and helpless. So sometimes when she does something for me, I get angry because I can handle things myself. I am gonna work on this.
Cultivating patience and diligence is not easy, but I am commiting myself to it, by practising martial arts and meditation every day.
PMO
I did one yesterday. The trigger is just being alone. Which comes from the fact that I have many things to do, but I don't have a fixed system, a core weekly schedule yet. Because of this, there are days when I am full, there are days when I have nothing to do.
This is something I MUST work on right now! So action: Work on to have a weekly schedule!
Im going for some bodyweight training, after that dinner invite, after that picking up some foreign guests.
I really need that weekly schedule, without that, PMO will still be an option.
Eidan
Active Member
If I may : plan things but don t schedule them.
For instance since the beginning of my reboot, I have to take daily shower, lift weights, write, work on my german, read and set up social interactions for the week end.
All of this keep me quite busy, but I don't have to do my weight lifting at 18:00 and then my shower at 21:00.
Get busy but don't get trapped and under pressure, we already are.
For instance since the beginning of my reboot, I have to take daily shower, lift weights, write, work on my german, read and set up social interactions for the week end.
All of this keep me quite busy, but I don't have to do my weight lifting at 18:00 and then my shower at 21:00.
Get busy but don't get trapped and under pressure, we already are.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Feeling very low and shitty. Now that I feel emotions stronger, I feel negatives stronger too.
Now, alone in an apartment at night feels depressing. I need a partner.
The last week girl was emotionally immature. Not to say I am emotionally mature. I am just older, lived more is all. I did not feel any attraction, like the spark I felt the week before.
Tomorrow I meet up with a girl I want to be my girlfriend, she completes me well I think. But still, gotta know her more and deeper. She is a very hard earn type. But that is good, because "Easy come, easy go".
Daily positivity boost: "If you want to see the rainbow, deal with the rain."
Now, alone in an apartment at night feels depressing. I need a partner.
The last week girl was emotionally immature. Not to say I am emotionally mature. I am just older, lived more is all. I did not feel any attraction, like the spark I felt the week before.
Tomorrow I meet up with a girl I want to be my girlfriend, she completes me well I think. But still, gotta know her more and deeper. She is a very hard earn type. But that is good, because "Easy come, easy go".
Daily positivity boost: "If you want to see the rainbow, deal with the rain."
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Life, girl, plans, vision, action. All in baby steps. Good days.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Eidan said:
Neither will I have to. I did not mention aiming to be a robot mate.
I am under no pressure whatsoever regarding PMO. I just know that as long as I get into old environments because of bad scheduling, PMO can take over.
Thanks for your good intention!
Good days and bad days.
Meeting up with said girl. Training steadily improving. Uncle said gotta cut out anything related smoke, even shisha for lungs to heal.
I got 5 years before I am there at the gate of 30. A lot to do until then, a lot.
T
Tu 0 Seven
Guest
Who am I kidding?
I fill my days with activities, I spend time on a lot of things. But if I am left alone at night in my apartment, I get sad and lonely now. Is this really the fate of us? Desperately trying to fill our time by anything possible, so we won't have to spend time alone with ourselves?
Well, I am doing this today. Again. It feels good to write a bit. It is cold so I am lazy to go in the city. This is a good time to reflect on things.
I do my training, I meet up new people, I learn things, I hang with potential gf, I go to school,etc.. But when I ask myself, "What do I want from life?", then I really cannot tell. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling great and keep doing my stuff, but where am I headed?
I finally start to grasp that I am mortal. I will die someday. I have more than 5 years until I am in a door of marriage. I want to get married because I know and feel it in my core that without a support of a woman, I cannot build anything lasting and worthwhile. But it all seems so far away right now.
I am taking the baby steps though.
My mentors are so busy, I don't want to disturb them these days. And my good friends are busy too. I just feel unbalanced, since it has been 2 weeks since the last time I had a deep sharing soultalk with someone.
I fill my days with activities, I spend time on a lot of things. But if I am left alone at night in my apartment, I get sad and lonely now. Is this really the fate of us? Desperately trying to fill our time by anything possible, so we won't have to spend time alone with ourselves?
Well, I am doing this today. Again. It feels good to write a bit. It is cold so I am lazy to go in the city. This is a good time to reflect on things.
I do my training, I meet up new people, I learn things, I hang with potential gf, I go to school,etc.. But when I ask myself, "What do I want from life?", then I really cannot tell. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling great and keep doing my stuff, but where am I headed?
I finally start to grasp that I am mortal. I will die someday. I have more than 5 years until I am in a door of marriage. I want to get married because I know and feel it in my core that without a support of a woman, I cannot build anything lasting and worthwhile. But it all seems so far away right now.
I am taking the baby steps though.
My mentors are so busy, I don't want to disturb them these days. And my good friends are busy too. I just feel unbalanced, since it has been 2 weeks since the last time I had a deep sharing soultalk with someone.