So, what's happened in the last 4-5 weeks?
Relationships
Bonded with close friends. Opened up more, been more vulberable, shared more fears and sadness. Sharing feeling shitty helps greatly in feeling less shitty.
Asked a girl out. First time ever. Before it was always girls initiating, which really put a stem on the whole relationship later, them being boss. So this made me happy.
Mistakes: Worshipping her more just becasue of her looks and captivating scent. Also got intimate touchy feely physical too soon with her, without building enough rapport and emotional connection, which led her to decide she is not ready for me, and closed me out. The reason she says is not important, can be in love with someone else, or her dog died, or she just lost her job, it does not matter. What matters is I got too invested in her too soon, which is repelling, and she sensed that.
noFAP
New lessons and realizations:
1. Letting sex energy build up and ignoring it: I have been doing this wrongly for more than a year now. Only a recent video shed light to me.
Example is I let it build up a week+, and when I feel horny like hell, I just simply ignore it whitout acknowledging it. I finally get that this baseline energy always wants expression, always wanting to reproduce. So if I don't channel it, it will turn to what it always did and knew, PMO.
Great game-changer this is. I now finally get what my mentors told me about this issue. Add this experienced knowledge with my martial arts and daily meditation, and this will take me to the next level of controlling sex energy.
So the solution is to embrace the horniness, acknowledge it, feel it, then choose to mindfully do something with it. Embrace it when it comes, cherrish that it can empower me, and channel it to fuel my goals. Otherwise the lust is just gonna ruin me.
2. Eating lightly: So this last month the times I PMOd was either the previous, or after having a heavy meal.
What happens then is my whole body and mind shuts down, all energies are used to digest. Mindfullness weakens, then PMO just pops right in.
This week I've been eating lighter, which I first thought would make me weak, but I actually feel more energized.
My own path
I realized that I have to accept what happened in the past, and cannot compare myself to others.
An example is my girl cousin. Finished 5 years of university, moved abroad from family, got a job in that field with advancing options, opening up relationships to find husband, great at communication, gets more education 2 nights a week after work, younger than me, and what's best, independant.
Now if I compare the current me with her, I feel like crap. But I cannot really compare myself with her, can I? From the moment we were born, we walked two seperate paths, got different experiences, grew at different aspects at different speed. And what is feeling sorry for msyelf going to accomplish anyway?
So start where I am. Use what I have. Do what I can.
I have been through addictions, trying to replace the love with them that I never got as a child. PMO, drugs, excessive drinking, junk food, partying, watching TV. While this happened, I closed people out of my life. I became numb to life, and all of it's beauty and hardships. I froze in time.
Now, at 24, I got defrosted, thanks to many people and events I cannot thank enough. I have a great recovering health. I am slowly, day by day regaining mindfullness in both my mind and my body. Step by step, I am moving far away from all of this brainwash that is going on in society, and make friends with people who do the same. I have a family that can give me advices whenever I choose to ask them for it. I have a loving mother, and great cousins. I have the few and deep friends. I have a mentor. I have all the foundation that is needed to build a great life on.
What I lack is persistence. This is my biggest obstacle. All of my cousins accomplished more than me with less talent and potential. I am very bright, but weak-willed. This is something I have to overcome, and build consistency in my life. To finish something once I start it.
By 2016, I think my potential will definetely return to full edge, as my brain and body will have been put through rebalancing for 3 years after addictions.
Meanwhile, I am taking baby steps to reach my goals.
So, that was a needed reflection for me! Feels great!
Stay strong, fellow travelers!
