19 year old planning to rid myself of porn completely.

S

shmuck

Member
I?m 19 year old. I?ve been watching porn from a very young age and havent really considered it as a problem. The type of porn I?ve been watching has been getting worse and worse over time and while I have been grossed out by myself at times after watching it, I?ve always gone back to the same disgusting porn.

I?m gay and for the first 4 or so years of my porn-watching I would watch exclusively gay porn, after this point the type of porn has begun to matter less and less, I have simply needed my porn fix, regardless of the shape it comes in, but at the same time I have found that I have become drawn to more and more fetishes that I would never have imagined I would before and stuff that I would never like to be part of in real life.

I've only just begun this journey to a life completely free of P, but it is absolutely vital that I stay on course and do not have any relapses at all, as my relationship with my boyfriend of two years depends on it and I really dont know what I would do without him. He is absolutely supportive of me and has himself stopped watching porn in support, although he hasn't had any issues with addiction. I have also installed web filters on all devices that I may consider using (including a sneakily installed one on my moms PC... lol) and have made sure that only my boyfriend knows the password and that he will not be giving it to me in any situation.

I?ve gone about a week without P so far and I havent really felt any side effects so far, and no real urge to watch porn or masturbate, but it does feel like I am slightly more irritable than usual.

Thank you for existing whether you read this or not, I believe this forum will be an important part of my recovery and I hope we can help eachother through this.

Cheers and keep your hands off your willy :)
 
S

shmuck

Member
On a side-note, at ages 13-15 or so, I could literally wank until I was bleeding and keep going, so I guess this addiction has probably been there for a while.. or I was just a super hormonal horny teen.
 
MeepMan

MeepMan

Active Member
Excellent choice on giving up porn! 7 days is already great progress, I'd guess you'll have no problem giving up porn. It's good that you've told your boyfriend and he's supportive of your reboot, he should make it easier for you :)
 
S

shmuck

Member
Thank you for taking the time to read and write, I really appreciate it.

I?m still not having any urges for porn, I do feel some fantasies trying to sneak in at times but I?m very quick to smash them down in their early stages to make sure they don't escalate.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Today was slightly harder, I?m still not having any issues at all keeping away from the porn but fantasies trying to sneak in are more frequent, still manageable without to much effort though.

So far I?m happy about how it?s going and the support I?ve been getting from my boyfriend. School and work will start in about a month, hopefully I won't haveto go through most of the withdrawal symptoms while stressed out about that.
 
S

shmuck

Member
I guess it?s day 9 now. Still not having any real issues with staying away from porn, however I do feel thoughts trying to sneak in quite often if I dont keep busy, havent let any of them through or acted on them yet though. I?m using my boyfriend as an anchor and think about our future together and our future kids, this seems to work quite well and makes me even more determined not to allow any relapses at all.
 
S

shmuck

Member
12 days in now, still not having any real issues with self control and no real urges to watch porn.

Last night I had sex with my boyfriend, I made sure to banish any pornographic thoughts during the act and focused on the sensation, the result was amazing and I feel like this is a big step towards recovery. Certainly it may have been better to wait longer than 12 days to have sex, but we just couldnt keep our hands off eachother and as I said, I didn't have any pornographic thoughts at all.

This entire process is feeling great, although I have noticed that I am somewhat more irritable than usual.
 
S

shmuck

Member
15 days in, still no PMO or MO. I?ve had sex twice in the last week.

Last two days have been more difficult, have felt an urge for porn that has been alot stronger than before. Getting more difficult to stay away but I?m gonna do my best not to mess up, this means alot to me.
 
S

shmuck

Member
It?s nice to be reminded that I don't need it, even though it should be obvious to me at all times, thanks man.

Being in a relationship through all of this has been really important to me, I?m not sure what I would do without the relief I get from him.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Been a rough couple of days... ended up looking at a few pictures of attractive people with little clothes on them but no nudity... I didnt masturbate to it though, and my boyfriend found out about it and got quite upset.

I know I need to tell him whenever I do something like that, but it's so very very hard.. I love him and dont want to lie to him, but at the same time I get really acared to tell him even though I know it can only improve things..
 
S

shmuck

Member
Getting close to a month, havent PMO'd at all yet but it's not easy.. I'm so very afraid that I'll lose control just for a moment and that it will ruin my life completely. I dont think my relationship can handle a relapse. Gonna stay strong.

We can all do this guys..
 
S

shmuck

Member
About a month in, it?s rough at times but I still havent PMO'd since I started here.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning with a psychiatrist and I?m really nervous about it, I?ve never spoken to one before. Hoping it all works out well and I?m not to nervous and flustered to talk.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Thought it would be getting easier at this point, but I feel like the urges are still there and at about the same strength as before. Talked to a psychiatrist for the first time in my life a few days ago and it felt great.

I?ll keep doing my best and struggle on.
 
S

shmuck

Member
I feel like absolute shit right now..

I MO'd, I didnt use P but I promised my boyfriend I wouldnt MO, and now I feel like absolute shit because I haveto tell him and I have no clue what?ll happen....

I just want to disappear.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Struggling on, feel like I should write here more often, but I started school yesterday and it feels great, haven't really had anything to do for the last 6 months which has been an absolutely horrible experience that I believe has exaggerated everything that?s been going on lately..

Took some blood tests last week to check blood pressure and hormone levels, will probably be going to group therapy sessions through the fall.

I?ll check back soon, hopefully.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Feeling decent today, I've been extremely stressed lately due to a bunch of factors, but I feel alright today... Urges are weak today.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Lots of things have been working themselves out that I?ve been really stressed about lately, but I?ve still had some rather massive downs where I break down crying and stay that way for hours... It?s putting alot of strain on both me and my boyfriend, I hate it.

My porn urges are coming and going, but it feels like they?re less powerful and frequent than before... I hope they are, I can't deal with more bullshit right now, I just want everything to be over with.
 
S

shmuck

Member
Have both school and work going now, so I?m hardly getting any free time to myself at all, I think this is probably good for me.

Roughly two months in and I feel I?m getting proper results... I do however feel that I often forget to write on reboot, but maybe that?s a sign that anything porn related is slowly exiting my mind and I can actually think about other things and properly focus on stuff...

Regardless I?ll do my best to write more often, it?s something I should take more time for.
 
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