OGMC - Choosing the Right Path

[ogmc]

Day 4:

A good day... but I very briefly looked up porn on my phone.  I quickly shut it off but the urges were strong today. They have been the last couple of days.  For some reason it is getting stronger than before.  Usually after a multiple relapse I'm calmed down a bit and I don't look at anything for at least 2 weeks but this time I feel as if my libido is extra strong.

 

[fox_hole]

"But after so many relapses, it feels par for the course.  I almost feel jaded - almost accepting of my relapses.  But at the same time I still know how incredibly important it is to beat this."

This contradiction really spoke to me man. I feel like parts of myself are so unwilling to put effort in to fight this thing, and sometimes those parts are definitely dominating and seem like there's nothing else besides them. But then there are parts of that are very aware of how important this struggle is and that there is a lot worth fighting for. I find it amazing they coexist.

Good luck with it man.

 

[ogmc]

Day 1:

Relapsed again... Crap.

Anyways, today I spent all day at work so I don't have time to watch porn or fap and I'm going to bed now.

Will update more later.

 

[ogmc]

Day 2:

It's getting harder and harder to resist this.  Somehow the Cooledge effect has been really strong since this latest relapse.  I'm not sure why.

But nevertheless, no fap or porn today.  Will update more tomorrow but I got home late and I need to go to bed now.

 

[ogmc]

Day 3:

Urges still strong.  Very tired from work.  Holding on for now... work is too hectic.

Nevertheless, no fap or porn but the urges come up from time to time.

 

[ogmc]

Day 4:

I'm exhausted from work and the urges do not help, but I'm doing ok.  No fap or porn.

 

[ogmc]

Day 5:

Peaked at porn.  Not feeling good.  Brought on by work.  Stressed out and I needed to login to my work computer from home.  Unfortunately I had to bypass my filter to do it because my filtering software was blocking it.  I ended up looking at porn but not fapping.

Gotta stop this.  I just keep thinking to myself "real girls" to remind me that I need to make sure that I don't lose my ability to have fulfilling relationships with real girls and not digital ones.

 

[ogmc]

Day 0:

I've been away for quite some time now.  I keep relapsing like no tomorrow.  I kept away from reboot nation because I felt terrible for relapsing so often and having to write the same thing about how I keep relapsing.  But I decided I need to come back even if I relapse a billion times.

I'm trying to make things right again.  I'm trying to come back and do this right.

 

[ogmc]

Day 0:

Back to Day 0 again.  Wow this is hard.  I haven't had this many failures since when I first tried to get off of fapping and porn.  But I gotta wake up now.  I've been fighting this thing with sheer willpower alone and that won't be enough - back to the three pronged attack - willpower, accountability and enriching my life in all aspects.

 

[fox_hole]

I totally agree that willpower alone is not enough. We need to throw all the tools at our disposal at this thing. Strength to you!

 

[ogmc]

Day 1-3:

dog_hole, thanks for the encouragement.

Man I can't believe it's been 3 days.  I can't believe I made it this far.  I took a peak at porn site that bypassed my filter... thankfully I closed it within 5 seconds but man, I can't do that.  Even just peaking gets me going.

My resolve is stronger now but I have to keep being vigilant.

 

[fox_hole]

I'd be interested to hear what other tactics you're using beyond willpower and web filter. Here's some that I've found helpful...
Tactics!
- Writing here every day (helps keep perspective, and "socialises" the problem so it's not just me vs me
- Reading daily about PMO (at the moment I'm reading the YBOP ebook, which is ace)
- Talking to a trusted friend about PMO and rebooting (at the moment I'm texting them every night to say how "at risk" of relapsing I am because I'm finding it so difficult at the moment) contacting him has helped me get through moments when I felt sure I was going to relapse
- Going for a walk, or sometiems a run when I feel strong cravings
- Writing in a hardcopy journal before bed every night (again helps keep perspective, and great to read back on when I feel at risk of relapsing). I also find it really helpful to write down the tricks that go on in my head to try and get me to relapse, helps me see how destructive/unhelpful/ridiculous they cycle is
- Being mindful of other forms of binging/craving (food, trashy TV etc). Not cutting this out totally, but trying to not go to hard on it
- Meditating daily usually for 30 minutes

The little daily routines seem to really help. Sticking to them also build me self-trust and confidence which builds a foundation which makes the cravings less overwhelming.

Hope the big post on your journal is OK, and that some of that is useful!

Strength to you ogmc

 

[ogmc]

Days 4-6

These were good days! My best streak so far for a while.

Unfortunately I looked at porn today.  I didn't touch myself though but I definitely felt the effects of even just briefly looking at it.  Very disappointed in myself.

As far as tactics I need to keep myself off of porn - really it's about living a better lifestyle overall.  I want to keep myself busy with activities and good habits.  Pick up some new hobbies.  Reading books. Fixing stuff around the house.  Just overall in addition to focusing on NOT watching porn I need to focus on finding other activities.

It's two-fold - keep myself busy and less likely to relapse, but also enriching my life with actual activities and hobbies.  Trying to find enjoyment again in other things!

Some of the activities on the list are going to the gym, joining an MMA/BJJ gym, reading books, going hiking, biking, swimming, journaling, etc.  I don't really have any other specific tactics but in general I need to rewire not only my sexual response, but also my whole life.

 

[ogmc]

Day 7-9

Ok I need to start updating everyday again, this is bad.  I'm doing ok but I can't keep not updating the journal.  Anyway, so far so good, other than the day I watched some porn briefly I've not done anything else so far.  Though I'm having a hard time now with video game addiction!  I need to keep myself from that too.

 

[ogmc]

Day 10

Urges are getting quite strong now.  But I'm holding back.  I'm getting flashbacks and fantasies in my head which are leading to the urges but I haven't given in to anything just yet.  Still doing my best to keep these fantasies and urges out of my head.

 

[Rockit]

Sounds like you're doing great. Just remember why you're trying to accomplish this, and keep posting. I'm on day two, and I'd love to be at day ten. Keep going; I'm pumped for you!

 

[ogmc]

Day 11-12

Thanks for the support Rockit!

Yea it's going ok right now, but I know the urges only get stronger.  Gotta keep pushing.  It's been a busy week at work but I've not been too stressed out, thankfully.  Otherwise, things are going good, haven't looked at any porn or fapped today.

 

[ogmc]

Day 13

Another successful day of no fapping and no porn.  Definitely feels good to be back on track - but again I have to be wary.  Work has been getting very stressful and I need to turn things around, keep myself in check, and not let myself fall back into old habits.

 

[ogmc]

Day 14-15

Crap - kinda had a relapse.  Not sure if it counts.  2 nights ago I get woken up from my phone - flash flood warning in the area.  Ok whatever - turned out to be a flash storm but no flooding.  So I just try to fall back asleep and as I'm falling back asleep I'm semi-conscious and my mind starts drifting to fantasy.  I'm sleeping face down and as I'm fantasizing/half-dreaming I orgasm.  But I didn't even touch myself - just purely from the fantasy.  Not sure if this is really a wet dream because I woke up right away and cleaned myself off.

Otherwise though I have not been watching any porn or deliberately masturbated.

 

[ogmc]

Day 16-17

Urges are getting stronger now.  Recently I fantasized a bit - but I've been trying my best to push that out.  Right now I'm focusing on getting more sleep.  Usually with less sleep I don't do very well and are at higher risk for relapsing, based on my own observations.

Otherwise, still going strong, no porn or masturbation.