Aiming for a genuine and healthy me

S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thankyou, TAN.

I have been away with the other half for a couple of days visiting family. I didn't feel like it, but once we were there I really enjoyed it -new places, new experiences.
Still struggling to avoid searching for the "Gateway Porn" of images/videos of scantily clad women. Succeeding mostly and reigning myself in quickly when I succumb. What I am aiming for is to avoid this shit altogether as I am too aware of the danger of relapse that I am putting myself in.
Ive also found that I am constantly trying to get an "eyeful" of women I see in my daily life -my mind is seeking its drug wherever it can find it!
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Strike,
I'm concern for you my brother.
You have to find out what's making you crave to search.
Also you got to do the cold turkey of not searching. To know yourself. To prove to yourself you can do it.
We are NOT connected to our emotions, that's why we find it difficult to control our ways.
To gain back control is to experience and learn.
Looking for pics is only the symptom.
You've got to find out the root.

Does straying seeking eyes = lack of focus?
If so can you find something to focus your life on?

There are ways.
Please my friend, don't suffer needlessly. Find ways that work for you, and apply them. You can do it.
 
lyon03

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for sharing Strike. I'd recommend setting up a porn filter for your computer or smartphone. K9 seemed the most effective for me. I think it's normal to have a "negotiation phase" of addiction. I did and it sounded a bit like this:

- Still photos (not videos) of naked men aren't porn
- I'll just watch the porn without jerking off
- Erotic fiction isn't pornography

And so on. Some people I know from a 12-step porn programme write out exact what's considered acceptable and not acceptable behaviour. I believe this is called an 'inventory' of sorts. Perhaps you could write out what exactly what you consider safe and addictive behaviours. Food for thought! Thinking of you my friend. Love Lyon.

 
Inner_Light

Inner_Light

Member
I like Lyon's idea of the inventory of what's acceptable and what's not.  The process of thinking through what goes on that list and what doesn't should be valuable.  For example, is fantasizing sex with actual women I see porn?  I say not (I actually want to increase the degree to which I respond sexually to attractive women).  But what DOES go on the list is allowing that to be a trigger for watching porn rather than having real sex. 

 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thankyou Lyon and TAN.

TAN you are right, I have to do the cold turkey of not searching, get down to the roots and dig them out! Behind the urge to search are things like low mood, anxiety, uncertainty and very low self esteem. When searching, I am totally focussed on and excited by what I'm looking for and these problems don't seem to exist any more.....
I'm working on these drivers -it takes time as I'm sure you know from your own experience of learning to love and be kind to yourself. Childhood was a nightmare, and I suspect that I may need to deal with some trauma.

Lyon, writing that list is a great idea. I suppose I've had an unwritten list of sorts in my mind already, which is evolving over time and I have been crossing things off along the way. Things I have crossed off so far are:

"I'll set a timer and just watch porn for half an hour"
"Its ok to just watch porn now and again, such as on weekends"
"I can just download my favourite videos and leave it at that -they may disappear off the net and I'll lose them for ever if I don't"
"I can have a stash and stop searching for porn"
"Still pictures of porn are ok, I wont watch videos"
....all of these things meant instant relapse, and I learned from the experience.

Very recently I crossed this one off:

"Its ok to watch sexy videos on youtube" -this includes videos that are not classified as sexy, but which I find sexually exciting/titillating

Still on the list is:

"Its ok to look at nude pictures, so long as they are not from a porn site"

But I am coming round to believing that this must be crossed off too. It has led slowly to relapse before and is likely to again if I carry on. It is part of my addiction.

Yes, I have decided now to stop searching for sexy pictures. This means anything anywhere that I find sexually interesting/exciting.
Wow. This feels like quite a step.

Had sex with my other half last night -it was loving, and really good and we felt close. I feel very happy about it and about the fact that it wasn't a struggle for me this time. I am on my guard about the "chaser effect" that some of you guys have mentioned though!


 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
The last couple of days have been a true test for me and my resolve as my girlfriend has been away from home and I have had plenty of opportunity to use, along with some of my triggers (tiredness, boredom, loneliness)
No porn use or searching for sexy pics, so I pass with flying colours!
Instead I read some of "Your Brain On Porn", did some drawing and painting, visited a friend, and started volunteering in my community among other things.
This is my true path -and Strike is striking it!
It feels so good to be recovering I want to cry
 
lyon03

lyon03

Respected Member
Excellent post! There is no better feeling, nor greater (natural) high, than being our authentic selves. Well done my friend! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thanks Lyon.

Its great to have this forum for sharing the achievements and good times as well as the difficult stuff. Sharing, giving and receiving encouragement on this journey of recovery.

I am thinking that it may be good to always consider myself to be in recovery, because on the one hand I know that it would be dangerous to allow myself to become complacent; and on the other I'm seeing that recovery is not just about abstaining from using but about creating a healthy, fulfilling, meaningful life.

Looking forward to my girlfriends return today -I've been missing her
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Not sure what to add to my last post, things are going along ok. Girlfriend came back -now gone away again. So at home alone but I have no urge to use right now. Going to read some more of "your brain on porn" and more of that link that TAN gave to me, and also get on with some music and art as now is a good time to do creative stuff cos I will have free reign of the flat for a couple of days.
 
lyon03

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for the update Strike. Please post here if you feel the loneliness or "porn itch" start creeping up on you. I look forward to your next update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thanks Lyon.
I'm having a lot of stress in my life right now and that itch is definitely there -I scratched it by searching for nude figures "for my life drawing practice" Didn't lead on to porn use or masturbation (or any life drawing), but I know it was another near relapse. Lyon you call this stuff "Gateway porn" which is a good way of labelling it.
In a link given me by TAN from another site a guy advises that its best to not search for anything sexually interesting (artificial stimulation) -that it will easily lead to relapse. I know this from my own experience, yet I'm finding this searching for nudity very difficult to stop -that's the addiction. I'm finding it tough to really commit to cutting this searching out during emotionally difficult times. 
So I guess I need to stay aware of how gateway porn can lead back to porn use, stay keyed in to my feelings and stay off the computer when I am at risk of searching. At the same time though I need to continue to build the life I want.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Strike, my thoughts are with you.

I have 2 techniques to share w you.

1
I learnt that when meeting someone you are fearful of, imagine them naked and having a going to cum face. That always puts a smile on my face. :)
Similarly,  there are some harsh Buddhist techniques i know of to help people move away from attachment to sex or life. It is to slowly visualize people towards a state of decay until beyond death. The idea is nothing is permanent. I dont advise you to try this, because it has powerful mental effects, but it is very effective in teaching impermanence. Please research deeply before you do.

2
A better way perhaps is to keep drilling the whys, so you can move beyond blurry emotions and figure out your real motives.

That girl i keep yoyoing in love with, i get very excited when i think of calling her. Tbh i dont know why.
Then i do the whys and realize it might not be excitement of talking to her, but fear of rejection from her, or the fear that the reality of 'our relationship' doesnt exist. (It doesnt)

But it is so subtle i couldnt tell the difference between desire and fear until i drill down.
The drilling down helps me to clarify my emotions and select more appropriate next steps
I realized and ask myself why am i depending on her for my own happiness?
If my happiness is my priority, it should originate from within, and not be determined from external stimulus.

And then just like that, the attachment is gone and i am free to do other things.

Stress may not be a bad thing. It stretches you and makes you stronger. The same difficult life experiences if viewed differently can present very different perspectives.

My old personal experience of heading for p is to run away from difficulties. Today my preference at going head-on into my difficulties is far more rewarding.

Take care my friend. I have faith you will be stronger.
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thanks for that TAN
I started another voluntary job recently. At the moment I am out of work and it feels great to be contributing to the community, doing something worthwhile and meeting people. It doesn't cost anything, either, which is good as I have no money coming in! My attention is off my own thoughts for a while, which is really good for me as I tend to dwell on the negative a bit more than is healthy....
Tonight I am alone at home but I feel much stronger. The other half is away and I have the opportunity but I am going to do some art work instead of seeking stimulating pictures.
Time for me to properly commit to avoiding searching for any kind of sexually stimulating material ("Gateway Porn", which is anything stimulating -whether it was designed to be stimulating or not)
So I am going to start counting my days free of this kind of stuff, as well as my days free of porn

I am now 125 days porn free (wow I hadn't realised how long that was!)

....and 6 days free of Gateway Porn

....and counting.
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
11 days free of searching for gateway porn.

By this I mean searching for scantily clad women wherever I can find them (except on porn sites which I never go to now) but mostly on youtube or tumblr.

I have stopped doing it because I believe it is maintaining my addiction and also because it puts me in great danger of relapsing.
It has led to relapse for me several times in the past before I came to this forum.

My pattern was to give up watching porn but after a few days I would begin to search for the gateway porn. At times I would stumble upon "hard" images and resist investigating them. But eventually I would get triggered and give in...and I would be back in that nasty place we all know so well. Sometimes it would take a week, sometimes two, but mostly it happened around the one month stage.

So this time round I have been on my guard and haven't searched so much for the gateway porn, but I've reached the conclusion this far down the line that I have to give this up altogether.

It has been 130 days since I gave up porn, but Ive read accounts by guys on here who have relapsed at over 100 days or even 200 days -so there can be no room for complacency.

Yesterday I had some very intense cravings, today I feel ok. I have a feeling this final letting go is going to be tough for me, and I think its very important to continue building a good life for myself doing the things out there in the world that I enjoy and bring me a sense of purpose and meaning.
Creativity, work, family, friends, relationship are all things that suffered from my addiction and they are all improving now. It is good to see positive benefits.

 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Strike,
I'm with you.
Stay free of any stimulus, however small. They snowball very quickly and so are all dangerous.

Next, give a try to ride through your emotions and cravings.without labelling them, just to know their nature.
Feel them build up , peak and then pass away.
Soon you will come to realize they are like an itch, a pain... All the same, just a sensation that is impermanent.

You're fine and strong. You're doing great!

 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
TAN, thanks for your support and encouragement -just what I needed to hear this morning.
I will do as you suggest and try as best I can to experience the emotions and urges as they come and go.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hey Strike, how are you?

I had a little chance today to not label and experience my emotions
without labels the feelings felt rather neutral
afterwards, I became somewhat withdrawn and inward looking.
not sure why, but its ok.
i guess it happens to all of us
one with myself ? haha that's rather nice actually

i'll be bright and sunny tomorrow : )
 
S

Strike a true path

Active Member
Thanks for the shout TAN
I'm ok thanks, just a little busy with visitors here. So not much alone time to post on here -and less temptation, which is good.
Managing to stay away from the gateway porn, but as I say, less temptation right now.
Started doing some qigong exercise today to see what it does for my energy levels and clarity of mind.
 
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