Aiming for a genuine and healthy me

[Strike a true path]

Thanks TAN that made interesting reading.

My attempts to do regular qigong have been hampered by a pulled muscle n my shoulder but I hope to be back on track soon.

I had a couple of minor relapses in searching for (soft) nudity but managed to limit it. I am still aiming my target of avoiding searching for anything I find sexually exciting.

It has been nearly five months since I searched for or viewed porn, and now I am focussing on dealing with the urge to view nude/scantily dressed women. Minor stuff compared to the hard porn, but from reading "Your brain on porn" recently I know that by doing it I am keeping the addiction pathways going in my brain. This slows down my reboot and increases the danger of sliding back to using porn.

I'm going away on holiday now for a week or so, with no opportunity to search for nudity and I will be using the break to think of some strategies to move forward with this latest challenge.

Thanks for reading guys and I will aim to get a bit more active on here again when I get back.

 

[Punk Monk]

"Gateway porn"! Nice term! Because that is exactly what it is. (Sorry...I'm just now realizing that you've been calling it that for some time).

And yes, it definitely slows down the reboot process. It's like a recovering alcoholic having a "small drink" or even a "sip of beer" every day. The whole idea to free one's self from the need. Can't do that if you want it even a little.

Good luck, man. Enjoy those holidays.

P. Monk

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks PunkMonk the label "Gateway porn" is one of Lyons inventions -I have adopted it as it is such a good one as you say. The hols were very relaxing with great weather.

Today it has been five months since I gave up porn -wow. The longest I have gone before was six months, but that was not as "clean" as this as I was constantly searching for hardcore nudity (but justified it by telling myself it was ok because it wasn't from an actual porn site)
This time round it has been "soft" images (the gateway porn) that I have searched for on an on-and-off basis and I am working on eliminating this altogether. Slipping and learning my way along as I did with the hard stuff.
Sex with my partner has not been happening often, I wish I could be reliably horny -but I'm not, even after being off the porn for well over the 90 days and only masturbating once during all that time (without using porn). I find this very frustrating and quite depressing really.

The rest of life has improved immensely, especially the way I feel about  myself which has led to increased confidence and I feel more at ease when I am with people. I have built up a routine of voluntary work as a way of contributing to the community and as a route into paid work; also I am doing loads more drawing and painting.

I think I am on the right track and need to carry on as I am, whilst cutting out the gateway porn. Extra things I would like to do are more exercise, more meditation and to spend more time with friends.

 

[Punk Monk]

I hear ya, Strike.

The "soft" images have always been my drug of choice (so to speak). The fantasy of being with a gorgeous, photoshopped celebrity just fueled the fantasy fire. And it the end of the day, it's the dependence on the fantasy the kills (or at the very least severely impedes) our interaction with the real world.

The challenge, of course, is that's it's everywhere. Even "legit" news sites like USAToday, CNN or Fox all have some section about "see how so and so got into bikini shape" or how "such and such 'stunned' on the red carpet".  In that respect, I find avoiding the "soft" images almost harder than staying away from straight up porn. So kudos to you for staying clear.

I think I've been able to stay off the Gateway stuff for a good three weeks and I'm definitely noticing a change (for the better). The challenge will be when The Missus has her period (and "the store is closed for the week" as she says). That's usually when I give myself license to self gratify. Of course, it can be done without porn...gateway or otherwise. But...it's a challenge.

The key, as you alluded, is to occupy your mind with other creative outlets. Keep up with the drawing and painting. For me it's composing music and writing short short stories. Often, when I sit down at the computer, instead of opening up the browser, I'll either pop open Cubase or MS Word.

To paraphrase the old saying..."And idle mind is the Devil's playground".

Monk

 

[Strike a true path]

thanks Monk

Yeah seems like everywhere we look someone is using arousing images or words as bait to draw us in -we are biologically hard wired to be attracted to this kind of stuff, but add our addiction pathways to this and its all the more potent. A real challenge and it sounds like you are doing well.

I've had one or two strong urges to peek over the last week or two and I have managed to resist by distracting myself. In one case by getting straight in to some art work -the urge passed a short while in to this and I got completely absorbed and engaged. After an hour or so I had a painting in front of me and I had learned new things. I thought how much more natural, healthy and fulfilling this was compared to wasting an hour searching for images.
In a way, this is a good substitute for one of the things I got from porn -complete absorption and distraction from everything. But now I'm thinking that I need to deal with this avoidance and face those difficult feelings!
One step at a time though. I think we all need distractions sometimes, and if we can get healthy ones that work for us then that is a good thing.

Doing ok now and heading for my six month mark which is in two weeks time.

Thanks for reading guys

 

[TakeActionNow]

Strike,

I'm really proud of your achievement.

This journey we take is so rewarding. I've know so much about myself and I think you do about yourself too.

But the most rewarding meaning i have now is that enduring is much much better than indulging.
Being focused on doing better, that sense of engagement and achievement, feels so much better than the escapism habit that has been our dependence.

I ran 2 half marathons over these 2 weekends.
They hurt, but they are real, and they also make me feel really good about myself.
Better than I'll ever feel sitting in front of a screen.
And I like these "new" good feelings.
Let's do more of these good things for ourselves.
In time, screen distractions will be a distant fading memory.

 

[Punk Monk]

Strike and TAN.

That's great to hear! I'm proud of you both.

TAN, wow! Two half marathons?! That's amazing. And I say this as someone who absolutely hates running. The most I can muster a lap around our Kung Fu school to warm up for class.  So, my hat's off to you sir!

Strike, really cool about the six months of "sobriety" (for lack of a better term). Love how you're getting into your art as an outlet. I'm finding the same joy from total absorption; sat down to noodle on my guitar and by the end of the night, I had a complete song written, recorded and mixed!

I'm reminded of a quote I once read from the Late Great Bruce Lee.  He was describing the difference between wasting time and spending time. "Wasting time," he said. "Is like playing an arcade game. You put in your quarter but you really get nothing back. Spending time, on the other hand, is like going to a vending machine. You put in your money and you get something useful in return."

Porn is a waste of time. But what you guys are doing...that's spending time.

P. Monk

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks Monk

Yeah these healthy and creative, absorbing things are like good food -whilst porn is like poison!
Your guitar and song writing/recording experience sounds amazing -this obviously something that does it for you. I play guitar and harmonica, but cant write songs to save my life!  Playing music is great for my mind though and I enjoy composing tunes and improvising.
Reckon its worth training myself to reach for the art stuff or the guitar whenever I get that urge to surf and peek...

 

[Strike a true path]

AS OF THE 21ST I HAVE BEEN PORN FREE FOR SIX MONTHS!

This is the longest I have ever gone without relapsing, so I am breaking new ground.
The benefits so far include:

*Feeling one fuck of a lot better about myself -the burden of guilt and shame is all but gone
*Growing closer to my partner (it really helps to be able to look her in the eye and not feel that I have betrayed her) and a more loving sexuality where closeness and loving feelings between us turn me on rather than just a fantasy of acts and body parts
*Getting out there in the world and contributing to society through voluntary work of various kinds. The shame was making me want to hide away from people and from life.
*More time spent on creative activities -time that used to be swallowed up by surfing porn

Yesterday I discovered a new vulnerability to relapse that I have: having an illness. I have got a cold, and my feverish mind locked on to thinking about the porn scenes I used to watch. I had a feeling of loss, and a strong urge to search for borderline stuff on youtube. Luckily, I was staying with a relative so I was stopped by the idea that it might show on their ISP report. Otherwise I don't know if I would have resisted or not -scary. It seems the virus interferes with the conscious control mechanism, allowing the reptile more sway...Anyway, now I know I need to really be on my guard when I am ill. Same when I am tired, hungry or stressed.

My overall goal is to always be porn free, but I will celebrate times that are symbolic landmarks for me -the next one being the one year mark. If I do happen to relapse I will get back on track and keep going. Maybe the thing that's most important is how consistently we make our best effort rather than how long we succeed at doing without the porn?

Thanks for reading. Happy Christmas, and best wishes for 2018

 

[TakeActionNow]

Merry Christmas dear friend!
Have a wonderful and fulfilling 2018!!!

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks for the good wishes TAN.

Last week I wasted half an hour searching for 'soft' nudity on the internet. Frustrating waste of time but the main frustration is about me not leaving this stuff alone. Ok, so its not actually porn, but the need comes from the  same place and the addiction pathways are being reinforced by it -which means a longer reboot and an increased likelihood of relapse.

I need more awareness of why this happens. I think it is fuelled by feelings of emptiness and fear and I need to sit with these and experience them instead of allowing them to drive my surfing

My big challenge of 2018 is to stay clear of anything on a screen (or on  paper) that I find sexually stimulating.

 

[IWantToLive]

Hello Strike,

I know what you mean by material that's not porn but still reinforces the same addiction pathways. I struggle with that too. In my case its the need to check news and gossip websites one after another. I think my mind also wants to substitute one drug for another. But I am doing a little better everyday by being mindful and taking that time to do something else away from a screen. I think this takes practice, and more practice for a long time.

-IWTL

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks IWTL.

Yes indeed as you say the challenge is to remain mindful and divert ourselves to something else more worthwhile. In doing so over and over again we are creating new more healthy pathways. Creative stuff seems to be particularly good but for this I need to be feeling reasonably confident and good about myself for this option. When I'm feeling crap then I think taking exercise or doing a task that gets instant positive results is much better as a diversion.

 

[TakeActionNow]

guys, hope you are all doing very well

i find that keeping habits are a great way to help

1. fill my calendar with things to do so there is little free time
2. go and focus on the work at hand. focus deeply on the goals and how to do it best
3. when there is free time, read
4. when the night is empty, go to bed early
5. have a sporting goal, a charity goal, a work goal and a life goal, and build into your day time and space to achieve them.

all these goals and activity takes us away from the 1 thing that occupies us and pulls us down: empty self time

 

[Strike a true path]

Back here after a couple of weeks.

Lately I have found myself wasting time: an hour here, two hours there, seeking and peeking at pictures of nude and half dressed women. Its what people would call 'soft' stuff and a much lower level of use than the full on porn videos I used to watch but I am frustrated at how difficult I find it to stay away from it. I feel crap afterwards and unable to focus properly on the things that are good and worthwhile in my life. I need to really make the effort and stick to a plan of leaving this stuff alone. I liked what TAN said in his post just before this one:

"i find that keeping habits are a great way to help

1. fill my calendar with things to do so there is little free time
2. go and focus on the work at hand. focus deeply on the goals and how to do it best
3. when there is free time, read
4. when the night is empty, go to bed early
5. have a sporting goal, a charity goal, a work goal and a life goal, and build into your day time and space to achieve them.

all these goals and activity takes us away from the 1 thing that occupies us and pulls us down: empty self time"

Thanks TAN for yet more good ideas

I need to acknowledge my huge success in staying off the porn videos for the last 7+ months and all the benefits this has had on my life; to consolidate and move forward. When I gave up cigarettes I went through a stage of just smoking one or two a week and this last bit of low level use was the hardest to let go of -but I did succeed in the end.

Thanks for reading guys

 

[Punk Monk]

Dude...are you me?

A lot of the same has happened to me throughout the month of January (reasons are in my most recent post). But that "soft stuff", man. It's a killer.  Like you, I got to a point where I just felt awful and unfulfilled afterwards.

Now I realized that it's my mind's limbic lizard-brain response to stress and discomfort that's driving me to it. Since for the longest time, that was the easiest way to get the dopamine rush. But TAN's advice is spot on. Finding better ways to utilize time and minimize stress are great ways to rewire the brain from porn.

Good luck, brother. And thanks for posting.

P. Monk

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks Monk for the post and good wishes.

Still battling the urge to surf and peek at pictures on the internet. I have a stash too which I am working my way round to deleting. The stash is something I rarely look at, but is the product of an urge to gather and to keep. I had the same thing with the porn videos -a large stash- but thankfully that stuff is all gone now and I haven't searched for or watched a porn video for 8 months and counting.
Searching and clicking my way through a huge variety of images is the thing that I am addicted to now. Basically I have gone down to a low level "maintenance" use, but I really want to be free of this addiction altogether.
I seem to be weak willed and lacking in strength/commitment right now. I am going through some fairly tough times.
Well I can give this up and I will. I need to finish my reboot ie complete freedom from searching for/viewing pictures that turn me on. I feel pissed off that I gave up those videos only to find that I have another big hill to climb. Ok, lets go for it

 

[TakeActionNow]

Strike,
It seems to me you are still missing out on 2 important things in your life:
1. Interests
2. Urgency

1. Give yourself clear goals for 2018.
For me its to read 50 books
Do things I've never done before
Do that which I'll regret not doing when i die

2. Urgency
There's about 7000 days left before we become seriously infirm in body and mind.
Then we slowly wait to die, if not dead already.

Every hour spent wasted away on unimportant stuff is an hour less to live.
In coming clean, there is one important revelation i found :
No amount of external can replace the calm ajd comfort of the internal.
But if we give in to all our emotions, we will never see the light of achievement of the dreams that is our person.

Be strong my friend.
Only strength begets strength.
Have faith in yourself to let go of this meaningless and self centered activity immediately and reclaim you life back

 

[Strike a true path]

Thanks for those very clear and relevant points/reminders and suggestions TAN. I am taking them on board as I go ahead now

 

[Strike a true path]

Well I did it -I deleted my stash of sexy pictures. Yay!

And I have gone for a week now with no "seeking and peeking" on the internet. I am feeling better already and also my dick is a bit more lively. Positive changes in other areas of life too with art, music and community action.

I have suffered with anxiety and depression all my life. I believe this has led me to seek escape through porn/sexy images -not just escape, but to feel some sexual excitement/aliveness when the depression saps my sexual energy. Forcing myself to get aroused as when I'm aroused I am not aware of the problems and the crappy uncomfortable feelings. With disastrous consequences!
But now I have a clear awareness of what has happened and how it made the anxiety and depression so much worse.

I really feel like I am making progress in leaving it behind and "striking my true path"