My future is awesome!

[TakeActionNow]

Im working on why I'm seeking attention.
1. I'm not giving myself sufficient self love
2. I'm not feeling good about myself.

Porn has a problem.
It sets impossible standards that are impossible to reach in real life.
No where in this world do you find naked people in a building full of rooms rubbing themselves gleefully 24/7. Did anyone ever lived with a partner who rubs  themselves silly daily beside them ???
Its complete fantasy.

Also, it distills relationships down to simply sex. What about engagement? What abot experiences? What about growth and sharing?
Real happiness comes from engagement.

Anyway, for too long I've depended on external factors to keep me feeling contented. Now i need to develop internal contentment.

I dont quite know how to be chill and comfortable with myself.

 

[TakeActionNow]

The foundation of my stability stems from knowing where i am going and what is important to me.

In the past,
Because i have been avoiding, i do not know what is my true capabilities.
Because i dont know my capabilities i cannot trust my decisions for the future.
Because i have no trust, i cannot plan, and therefore remain unclear.

Now that i am not avoiding, and engaging, the future is starting to look clearer.
A clearer future means i know better what is important.
Knowing what is important means i can decide and focus.
It also means i can better discard what is not important.

 

[TakeActionNow]

My episode with people who dislike should be coming to a close soon:
1. People are who they are. I cannot change them
2. I have to be careful how to voice help to them
3. I have to lwarn to see people's nature clearly
4. I have to stand by my principles. Feelings matter but principle matters more.
5. It is more important to be effective than it is to be right

 

[TakeActionNow]

My father toils under the hot sun all his life so that he can provide for me.
Now that he is gone i ask what my purpose in life should be, and how i can give back his kindness, forgiveness and compassion, since i have no family of my own.

But i do have.

I'll give back his kindness to my mother and my sisters.

In my father's name i will give them all the help and love that i can.

 

[JedClampett]

TakeActionNow:

That is a worthwhile goal giving back to your family.  Remember too that it's the little day to day things that we do
for people that count as well.

 

[TakeActionNow]

With others,
To give is to be able to receive
To love is to be able to feel love
To help is to have help

If the relationship is one sided, something is wrong
It all begins with me.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Anxiety, self doubt, worry and emo.

So I'm reflecting a bit more on these matters
And my behavior may be unconscious reflectiins of these concerns.

I feel i am 60% effective, 40% anxious.
It happens concurrently so, its rare i can be 100% in the zone.
Maybe thats why sports is such a draw for me.
Its these times i stop thinking and just do.

So what can i do about anxiety?
Is that the reason i am constantly thinking of escape? That i find it hard to immerse in any difficult roles?

I need to find out and clear this gap.

 

[TakeActionNow]

hard on my self
ready player one
coming to terms with my pain


coming to terms with my pain
I am drawn to computer games and porn because I believe i have anxiety issues
I say this because
1. i have a very fast and creative mind
2. i enjoy high speed sports
3. i am constantly bothered by self doubt
4. i am constantly bothered by thoughts of needing to escape

So games and porn are the optimum choices:
1. no need to deal with other's opinion of me
2. i always get what i want
3. i can enter and leave as i please
4. i am disconnecting from society

At the same time, reading about negative people, i also relate myself to one.
Yet, being more aware of my pain, i am realizing that my negativity is probably a manifestation of my pain.
1. I am hard on myself because I am not accrediting proper credit to myself
2. i am hard on myself because i have unrealistic expectations
3. i am hard on others because my lack of faith in myself translate to a lack of faith and trust in others
4. my anxiety and complacences and poor choice of escape also means i have poor world view. I am not appreciative of whatever i have
4. I developed hate, but hate is utterly unhelpful and counterproductive to EVERY aspect of life. Love builds and adds, hate decays and destroys. Hating another is akin to hating myself. This cannot continue.

I am drawn to the world of gaming and porn because I was seeking relief.
But they are like band aids over a wound that needs stitching
they never heal nor satisfy
and the wound continues to bleed and hurt
and everyday that passes that I do not address the real issues, adds to another day of hurt.


SO WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT ?
Knowing my problems will give me clues to what next steps i need to take.
Knowing what i really need is what can help me recover.

Going to porn is seeking acceptance and connection with people.
I need to find a healthy loving and stable relationship

Going to gaming is seeking success
Quick success can be found in doing alot and accumulating little wins as part of the collection towards an end goal. I need to know what my end goal is and work and be reminded of that

negativity is dissatisfaction with myself/my life
i need to come to terms with my reality and understand what is important
i need to stop living in fantasy and be able to adjust to the realities of the real world
i need to remember that i share this universe with others , that i cannot possibly live alone, and hating others only means hating myself, which only results in hurt.
i must be realistic
i need to stop being lazy, complacent and demanding of others to fulfill my expectations.

I am not sure about anxiety.
Is it because i am not prepared?
In that case perhaps being more prepared would be good.
perhaps adjusting to what will be will be will be good
perhaps recognizing that i am human and can never be perfect, and this is daily improvement will be good
i need to find a way to be fully immersive in what i am doing
i need to find a way to manage my jumping mind
i need to find a way to not be lazy and go through the process


In ready player one, the gamer expressed his love for her. She shot back that he doesnt know her at all, and all he has is his imagined vision of her. He does not know the reality of what she is going through or what is important to her.
This is exactly what i come to realize between myself and the one i loved.
I am that clueless fantasy minded dreamer gamer, having no idea what matters to her.
Only filled with my own dreams and unreality.
My love for her is real, but it exists only in my head.
it exists for my perception of her, not the real her.
and thus maybe my love for me only exists for my perception of me, not the real me.

Learning to love myself, is the greatest love of all.
Pain and discomfort are not bad things. They are there to tell me exactly what i need.

 

[TakeActionNow]

i am thinking about this hard on myself bit

i am very externally focused
the littlest of things can trigger me

therefore i have little internal fortitude

I think porn was a means to reward myself
so was gaming
but that also means i depend heavily on external to feel good about myself

why can i not draw this energy from within?

1. no clear goal and accomplishment setting
i am wondering around like a lost ghost

2. no realization what is important to me
i have not yet accepted who i am, what i my life purpose.

3. no accreditation of personal success
i have been too hard on myself
this is where daily gratitude diary comes in. personal acknowledgement

4. no proper reward scheme
i need to learn to take better care of myself.
be aware of what is bothering me, assessing if it is realistic, and act on it quickly to heal better


I am super good at finding pain points.
Turns out i maybe super bad at finding solving points.
At this point i feel all i want is someone beautiful to hold, love and be kind towards
maybe that someone is already here
maybe that someone is simply me.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I used to think I'm a rebel.
I am not. I only dont know what i want. Yet.

I am blocking only because i am not clear.
Once i am clear of my goals and agenda, and working towards it, i will not block myself any more.
Blocking is also because of my doubts.
Doubting for the sake of doubting is pointless.
I will engage fully, reap all pain or rewards fully, and then i can gain fully.
Blocking is a stupid defense mechanism.
It comes from fear of failing.
But without failure there can be no growth.
If i want to grow i have to stop blocking.
Anyway, there is no such thing as fail.
Only when not trying is there fail.
Otherwise it is just expectations not met.
Meeting is not the problem. Setting expectations is.

I am not a rebel.
I have a cause.
The cause is me.
I must find and connect back with me.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Everyday i must learn to appreciate.
Everyday i must do my gratitude diary.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I am thinking what attracted me to her...
1. Supreme self confidence
2. Open about her flaws
3. Eager to teach
4. Interested to learn
5. Determination and resolve (5am runs)
6. Diligent and hardworking ( constant self study)
Beautiful, of course.

These are what makes an attractive woman to me.
These are therefore also what makes me an attractive man to woman.
Not flowery language.
But good character

 

[TakeActionNow]

I am hesitant because of my shortcomings
Not because i have them
But becasue i was ashamed and hiding them.
But this hinders me.
All my strengths and flaws are one and the same, they define me, they strengthen me.
Being open about my flaws releases me.

 

[TakeActionNow]

My words define my reality
Fantasy will always appear bigger than reality

My words define my reality.
How i interpret reality through my words thus defines me.
Therefore my words are the most important.
There are only 2 type of words i should say:
1. Those that i am
2. Those that i am proud of
Speaking of me which i am not is meaningless.
Speaking of me which i am not proud of diminish me
The opposite of not having is not the same as having. And there is infinitely more things i dont have than i do. Therefore i should focus on those i do have and am proud of.


Fantasy will always appear bigger than reality
My brain is amazing at crafting ideals and perfection. It diminishes what is real and turns reality mundane. But fantasies never exist, so why do i torture myself with impossibles, and blind myself from possibles?

Seeing reality as it is is the first step to happiness and acceptance.

 

[JedClampett]

TakeActionNow:

You are quickly becoming one of my favorite writers on here.  I enjoyed every word of your last post.
While it's no more perfect than something Mark Twain wrote, it has got to be darn close.

You probably know this but it's important to have goals.

There should be small goals which will eventually lead to a big goal.
The big goal should be a multiple type goal or huge.  Set the standard high.

If we only ask for the little things we will probably get less.
I ask for a lot, I may not get it, but I get something good!

Keep writing...for you and me the challenge may be keeping these posts short....LOL!!!

8) 8) 8)

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thanks Jed,

goals are important because they are where you want to go.

I try to look at things in a push -> goal <-  pull way:
push is where i make effort to get where i want with motivation
pull is where i do to get where i want with desire

So I want to talk about reality more today.
1. the draw of addiction.
fact: the material we are addicted to is not the attraction
we are drawn to in because we are reacting to something happening in our life
To cure the addiction is not to remove the material. It is to solve the root
Many people turn to addiction because of events they cannot handle in life.

I thought about why I turned to PMO:
1. i was stressed in school
2. i needed affection but couldn't get any
3. i was attracted to girls but was socially uncomfortable
4. i lacked self confidence

So this addiction became my alternative
1. it was a way to get away from my stress
2. it gave me the impression that i had affection and attraction with others

But that also meant i lived in fantasy, not reality
and I also thought things in imagination, not reality.
and I had substitutes, not real solutions
Which meant only 1 thing :
Because i never changed, My reality never improved
The longer i stayed in fantasy, the more i didnt deal with reality, the worse things will get.

To deal with reality i had to address the real roots
why was I craving ? I was unhappy
why? I needed release
why? I'm stressed and lonely
why? i crave real human affection and interaction, real laughter and joy
why? was i blocking? did i set unrealistic standards because of my addiction? was i lazy and have entitled thinking ?

So here are the points :
1. addiction is a lazy approach to problem solving. It doesnt solve, it just delays
which is worse because the root will come back in a bigger way

2. addiction keeps one in fantasy. I cant solve what i dont know or is confused about. which is worse because the root becomes invisible to me

3. the more i linger in fantasy, to more i remain dissatisfied with reality, the more i create suffering for myself. consciously I may not be aware, but subconsciously i know i feel it.

If i want to quit addiction i have to be happy
if i want to be happy i need to know what is making me unhappy and what can make me happy
and then go out and get it
a permanent fix of the real problem
This is real living.
This is where i need to be.

To release me i need
to go to the places i dare not visit in the past
to seek answers for questions i chose to avoid in the past
to face up to all my inadequacies and stop living in imagined perfection
and embrace the unexpected and varied nature of reality
to make my best effort and see things as they are
and to finally realize what is important to me and to go out and get them

 

[TakeActionNow]

Limp dick happens because the gap between real world reality and our imagined reality is so great that the body doesnt believe anything anymore.
It has given up.

The mind is not interested in falseness
We can only fool ourselves so much

 

[TakeActionNow]

Happiness CAN be created.

The words in my head are most important.
They define my reality.
Always always pick only the BEST words for myself

The important thing now is to learn to heal myself properly with proper love, care and attention.

 

[TakeActionNow]

A means to an end

What is the end?
What is the reason i do something?
I need to think deeper.

Just as there are many layers beneath what my roots to my current needs are , so too are there many layers to what my current needs ought to bring me to.

Push > Action < Pull

 

[TakeActionNow]

It has been a very interesting week :

1. observing myself that i spent 40% thinking/worrying about my thoughts and emotional concerns

2. recognizing my nature :
very curious and challenge seeking
very short term presence
change very quickly and easily ( good and bad)

3. a very stressed and lonely introvert argued with me
he is a good friend for a long time so I'm chill about it
but i got to see the cost of being angry with others
i'll learn to be more mindful of the effect of my attitude w others

4. clarity that my reportee is super negative. My colleagues confirms this too
every thing he says is pointing towards failure
i am understanding him better now
i learn not to take things personally.
i reflect his state with mine, and remind myself what is important in life

5. i am starting to use very kind and positive words on myself now.
i am encouraging and compassionate with myself
i have been using too hard and too harsh words.
I need to take better care of myself
i will continue to say positive and kind words to me

6. work picked up. This week i have super positive responses from all my clients
there are still challenges with the system, but i am encouraged

7. facing challenges and finding improvement is the best
there is so much benefit in looking into the issues and working and correcting them
i reflect on some negative people
they only complain and complain
but they are lazy
they didnt realize that liberation is only the next step
take the issues they've complained about, and apply just a little effort to improve them, and voila ! its their success

8. gratitude diary every day
there is so much to be thankful of
letting go is the best gift to myself

9. Engage completely
One serious practice we have is disengagement from society. This is bad because there is a disconnect with reality and opportunities to succeed more.

I need to align my desires, thoughts and action competely 100%

take care everyone
addition is the consequence, never the cause
fix your cause, and the consequences will quickly change too