my toughest hike
- Thread starter toph
- Start date
ok, so I did open up some P. Saw a few pics and then closed it and walked away thinking it's not worth it. Do that counts as a relapse? I know I saw P, but I walked away from it and did not come back to M n O.
I hope today will be easier. I will be home with my family, doing a few things with the kiddos.
Have a great day out there rbtr's
I hope today will be easier. I will be home with my family, doing a few things with the kiddos.
Have a great day out there rbtr's
If you haven't yet, go listen to the podcast at the top of the Partner forum. Then read the other two that are in pnk. Read the 13 dimensions post just belw. These will give you great understandng about your wife and how partners feel.
Remember this is your marriage, this is your wife that you chose. Most of all remember porn has you looking through porn glasses now and it changes how you view things. Porn not only does the dopamine thing. It changes how you act and react to wife, family, friends, and job.
Remember this is your marriage, this is your wife that you chose. Most of all remember porn has you looking through porn glasses now and it changes how you view things. Porn not only does the dopamine thing. It changes how you act and react to wife, family, friends, and job.
toph, for what it's worth I prayed for you a few days ago and so I'm glad you're on day 4!
Where abouts do you live? There's an off-chance that I could recommend a church in your area, if you were interested. And I don't think there's a single "right way" to read the bible but you could start with one of the 'gospels' to get an account of Jesus' life. If you ever want to chat about such things then DM me
Main thing is that you're fighting this.
Where abouts do you live? There's an off-chance that I could recommend a church in your area, if you were interested. And I don't think there's a single "right way" to read the bible but you could start with one of the 'gospels' to get an account of Jesus' life. If you ever want to chat about such things then DM me
Main thing is that you're fighting this.Here on day 6.
Yesterday was pretty easy. Was busy running a few errands, so had my head busy. Today has been pretty reflective, thinking about this addiction and how I want to be over it. Have been thinking about how we think of women and objectify their bodies for our pure pleasure without considering the cost on their lives.
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I kinda weaned that thought off. Maybe I will do it some other time. PE30, I know about a few churches here in town and there's one I have been eyeballing lately, so one of these days I will probably get to that.
I hope I can continue fighting and focused; suck it up buttercup!
Yesterday was pretty easy. Was busy running a few errands, so had my head busy. Today has been pretty reflective, thinking about this addiction and how I want to be over it. Have been thinking about how we think of women and objectify their bodies for our pure pleasure without considering the cost on their lives.
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I kinda weaned that thought off. Maybe I will do it some other time. PE30, I know about a few churches here in town and there's one I have been eyeballing lately, so one of these days I will probably get to that.
I hope I can continue fighting and focused; suck it up buttercup!
Hey bro,
Just started following your thread. How's this week been for you?
I can say, confessing to my wife was a game changer. She's known about my struggle for the entirety of our marriage, I've had good years and bad, but she's stuck by me, forgiven me and helps me in the fight.
Don't give up bro!
Just started following your thread. How's this week been for you?
I can say, confessing to my wife was a game changer. She's known about my struggle for the entirety of our marriage, I've had good years and bad, but she's stuck by me, forgiven me and helps me in the fight.
Don't give up bro!
Shit! Down to 0 again!
I woke up and without thinking I went straight to my computer and went down the drain. I hate this!
What caused it? What was the trigger? I wasn't feeling anything, just went down the stairs and instead of going to the bathroom I went to my computer. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself.
Last night was normal. No looking vids or anything, just talking with my wife before bed.
I hate myself right now.
thanks for stopping by chknfella.
I woke up and without thinking I went straight to my computer and went down the drain. I hate this!
What caused it? What was the trigger? I wasn't feeling anything, just went down the stairs and instead of going to the bathroom I went to my computer. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself.
Last night was normal. No looking vids or anything, just talking with my wife before bed.
I hate myself right now.
thanks for stopping by chknfella.
Hey mate,
I'm in the same position of - Home Alone! Argh!
At the moment I focus on amplification and not restriction. Ie what I want to do every day, not what I don't want to do. So I have a checklist that includes meditating, exercise, and so on. You could have reading in there as a healthy habit, or do/ say something loving for/ to your wife/ family.
You got this
I'm in the same position of - Home Alone! Argh!
At the moment I focus on amplification and not restriction. Ie what I want to do every day, not what I don't want to do. So I have a checklist that includes meditating, exercise, and so on. You could have reading in there as a healthy habit, or do/ say something loving for/ to your wife/ family.
You got this
aquarius25
Respected Member
Consider writing down what kind of a person you hope to be. What kind of character do you want to display to your kids? What kind of husband do you want to be to your wife? What kind of life do you want to live? Fold it up and keep it with you. When you feel tempted pull it out and read it. Maybe that will allow you some focus and remind you what you are working too. Encourage your wife to come on here to the partner's group if she is needing support. Being a partner can be hard. Most PA's don't realize just how much their actions have impacted their partner. My husband started his porn use a lot like you. Same age even. He kept it hidden too. He never woke one day and said, "I think I will be a porn addict and lie to my wife", lol. It was something that evolved over time. Shame builds up and routines get rooted. They become habits. He never intended to create hurt in my life but that doesn't change the fact that it occurred. He now is over a year free of porn. One of the things that he had mentions helps the most on the days when he is most tempted is the knowledge and ownership of who he wants to be. Knowing what we are working toward and building together. Knowing the kind of person he wants to be and knowing that porn is the exact opposite of that. Seeing how it has impacted his family and taking ownership of his responsibility in that too. All of it. That was a big turning point for him.
I don't know if that helps or not. I just thought I would share that perspective and you can decide for yourself if it is useful. I hope that you and your wife both heal and recover from this!
I don't know if that helps or not. I just thought I would share that perspective and you can decide for yourself if it is useful. I hope that you and your wife both heal and recover from this!
day 1
I believe that's a good idea aquarius. I will be working on that list of ideal traits and goals for my life.
Today I woke up and opened a Bible I have. I happened to read a part called Ephesus or something like that. I didn't understand much but it seemed interesting. I think I will continue doing that. It seemed to kinda inspire me to live a good life.
As it is usaual on day 1, I pretty much hate porn right now. But I know in a few days or maybe even later, I can crave for that shit again and could fall off the wagon again.
I told my wife, she was pretty disappointed. I told her about this forum and that there is a space for wives as well. Let's see if she wants to do it.
I have so many reasons to "suck it up" and fight this thing, my wife, my kids, myself, my joy, my peace of mind; being able to drive around and not look at women like if they were just a pair of boobs (I hate that), being able to have a conversation with confidence without thinking in my mind that someone will mysteriously find out about my secret life of indulging in porn for hours; and so many more reasons.
I wish I could know exactly how many hours I've dedicated to porn. I think the number will come in days and days. Maybe even months! What a waste of time. SO much time dedicated to harming myself, my brain, my pleasure neuro-pathways. Shit!
I want to be able to make love to my wife without thinking about just sex and pleasure and all those nasty poses and moanings and pictures I've engraved in my brain during the years.
-- TIGGER ALERT--
Lately, I've been so focused on lactation fetishes because my wife is still breastfeeding our youngest, and I hate when I just want to press her breast like those videos I watch. I know she feels so uncomfortable and I hate myself for it.
This addiction has cost me far too much. I want to get over it. Since 1998, when a neighbor gave me a penthouse mag from February of 96 (still remember it as today) and I saw those pictures. I was just 14 years old. Until today, I have not stopped watching all this smut and shit. It needs to end. It's gone way too far. 19 years of Porn. It's enough. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And I hate it even more because I love it so fucking much. I just can't believe this shit. I can't believe I love to eat this shit.
Sorry for the rambling, the triggers and the cursing, it's just that this thing is so damn frustrating.
Here goes to 19 years of porn free life! Let's keep up fighting guys.
I believe that's a good idea aquarius. I will be working on that list of ideal traits and goals for my life.
Today I woke up and opened a Bible I have. I happened to read a part called Ephesus or something like that. I didn't understand much but it seemed interesting. I think I will continue doing that. It seemed to kinda inspire me to live a good life.
As it is usaual on day 1, I pretty much hate porn right now. But I know in a few days or maybe even later, I can crave for that shit again and could fall off the wagon again.
I told my wife, she was pretty disappointed. I told her about this forum and that there is a space for wives as well. Let's see if she wants to do it.
I have so many reasons to "suck it up" and fight this thing, my wife, my kids, myself, my joy, my peace of mind; being able to drive around and not look at women like if they were just a pair of boobs (I hate that), being able to have a conversation with confidence without thinking in my mind that someone will mysteriously find out about my secret life of indulging in porn for hours; and so many more reasons.
I wish I could know exactly how many hours I've dedicated to porn. I think the number will come in days and days. Maybe even months! What a waste of time. SO much time dedicated to harming myself, my brain, my pleasure neuro-pathways. Shit!
I want to be able to make love to my wife without thinking about just sex and pleasure and all those nasty poses and moanings and pictures I've engraved in my brain during the years.
-- TIGGER ALERT--
Lately, I've been so focused on lactation fetishes because my wife is still breastfeeding our youngest, and I hate when I just want to press her breast like those videos I watch. I know she feels so uncomfortable and I hate myself for it.
This addiction has cost me far too much. I want to get over it. Since 1998, when a neighbor gave me a penthouse mag from February of 96 (still remember it as today) and I saw those pictures. I was just 14 years old. Until today, I have not stopped watching all this smut and shit. It needs to end. It's gone way too far. 19 years of Porn. It's enough. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And I hate it even more because I love it so fucking much. I just can't believe this shit. I can't believe I love to eat this shit.
Sorry for the rambling, the triggers and the cursing, it's just that this thing is so damn frustrating.
Here goes to 19 years of porn free life! Let's keep up fighting guys.
I established a 30-day goal as a start point for me. In almost 20 years of PMO'ing I have never gone 30 days free, not even after getting married.
Let's see if this short and attainable goal helps me get there... September 17
c'mn Toph, you can do this! Just 30 days to go...
Let's see if this short and attainable goal helps me get there... September 17
c'mn Toph, you can do this! Just 30 days to go...
js2004
Active Member
I know what you are going through on so many levels. When my wife was nursing I went through the same thing. I think it is more common then you realize so don't beat yourself up over that. As for telling her though I think you made the right decision and it will pay dividends in the end. I'm almost 70 days free of P&M and I feel so much better about myself and things with my wife couldn't be better.
Trust me, she needs you right now more than ever. Be the dad that I am sure you can be. It's okay to struggle and those fetishes may never go away, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them. The further along you get the more manageable they will become. Let this be the first day of fatherhood for you.
Trust me, she needs you right now more than ever. Be the dad that I am sure you can be. It's okay to struggle and those fetishes may never go away, but that doesn't mean you have to act on them. The further along you get the more manageable they will become. Let this be the first day of fatherhood for you.
Ephesians is actually a good place to start. The Armour of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) is key for Christians looking to battle any form of temptation.
And I think your aim of going 30 days porn-free is a good one! When I first started rebooting, I set myself a 30-day initial goal as previously I'd tended to fall around the three week mark. You can definitely do this. For what it's worth, I'll pray for you today before I start work.
And I think your aim of going 30 days porn-free is a good one! When I first started rebooting, I set myself a 30-day initial goal as previously I'd tended to fall around the three week mark. You can definitely do this. For what it's worth, I'll pray for you today before I start work.
aquarius25
Respected Member
I also would encourage you to pour into yourself seek your root cause. What things are you are you feeling when you feel triggered. Is it insecurity? Is it stress? Really think about this. When you start to understand what drives you to this destructive path then pray. Try to ask God to help you with those things specifically. Also, read about the fruits of the spirit. (Galatians 5:22) I always find it interesting that the things laid out for us to follow aren't silly ridiculous things but rather healthy. If we can follow and pour into them we will be happier and have more joy in our life. Whether a believer or not it would not hurt to have more joy, right? Joy and love stifle shame. Porn thrives on shame. Feed the pathways of love! Keep up the good progress don't give up!
day 2
Thanks JS, PE and Aquarius for the reply.
Im encouraged by your words JS of things getting easier the more I go along, the thing is I actually need to go along.
PE, I don't think I read that part of the armament, I will see if I can find it.
Aquarius, I think what causes my fall is more stressed related. When I need to get work done or when I have been having a hard day.
I still want this. Today has been a bit easier. Went with my wife on a date, things were still a bit rough, but we are trying to patch up. I don't know much about prayer, but I think I will start doing that, I think it's like meditation, no?
Thanks JS, PE and Aquarius for the reply.
Im encouraged by your words JS of things getting easier the more I go along, the thing is I actually need to go along.
PE, I don't think I read that part of the armament, I will see if I can find it.
Aquarius, I think what causes my fall is more stressed related. When I need to get work done or when I have been having a hard day.
I still want this. Today has been a bit easier. Went with my wife on a date, things were still a bit rough, but we are trying to patch up. I don't know much about prayer, but I think I will start doing that, I think it's like meditation, no?