Not so naive anymore

I've decided to start a new journal documenting my recovery process as I have learnt a tremendous amount since the last time I used this website.

I first recognised that I have a pornography addiction in November of 2015. I was extremely naive back then regarding the severity of my problem. I thought it would be easy to go 90+ days without porn and be recovered in no time. How little I knew. 

Since then I have learnt a lot about the root of my addiction, patterns in my compulsive behaviour, behaviours that lead up to acting out, and strategies to recover. For years I never recognised how much a part of my life my pornography addiction is. I was so naive to think recovery was just a matter of staying away from porn. My recovery requires much more. It requires taking an honest look at my life, my past, the discomfort in my life, and who I truly want to be. It requires planning, building strategies, and time for reflection. In other words it requires a lot of thought and effort to fill my life with positive activities.

Yesterday, as a way of 'securing my home base', as they say in the Fortify program, I have installed web protection software on my computer and phone. I used a random password generator and purposely didn't write it down. I then sent the password in an email to my future self using This is just one line of defense in battling my addiction, but I feel that it marks a significant moment.

Since November 2015 my use of pornography has drastically reduced which I ought to recognise as progress. But it's time to completely walk away and leave it in the past. I already keep a private recovery journal as part of the Fortify program but I will have completed that program in 6 more weeks. I am going to maintain this journal for longer and see where the recovery process takes me.

It's the 14th of August, 2017, I am a recovering pornography addict and I am checking in.

Feeling a bit bored today. Due to unforeseen events I don't have a huge amount of things to fill up my day with. This is exactly the kind of day that I am likely to have a setback in. So instead of hanging around my bedroom without much of a plan, I am going to get in touch with some friends, and do some exercise. I don't feel any huge urges and I am quite focused. So I feel pretty good all in all.



Keep it up! I'm on day 8 and going strong. The urge when I was bored was bad so it's definitely a good thing to get in touch with friends and exercise. I'm gonna be working out in just a minute too!
Great job man! Looks to be a great start. I (personally) found exercise to be a great boost, especially in the morning. Really brought a boost to my entire day with a great mood and bigger confidence. It made even staying without any specific plans much easier.
Just watched this video about early warning signs and coping skills for relapse prevention.

All of it resonates with me. Particularly the section about how there can be a war going on inside your head: a part of me does not want to use pornography at all, and another part definitely would like to use pornography.

I guess the part of me that wants to avoid pornography is the true me. The self that wants to live according to my values.

Hopefully the video is useful to others as well. Remember, cravings fade!
Day 18

17 very good days down (I think my counter says something else but it's not showing up on my pc for some reason).

Today is a high risk day:

I'm off from work, I have no major plans, and I'm starting to come out of a flatline so I'm feeling a bit hornier again. In addition, I got stoned last night and ended up edging in bed before I slept. I drifted into 'porn' style scenarios in my mind whilst edging. If that's still where my mind goes when I masturbate then I'll take it as a signal that I'm not ready to masturbate again.

So what do I have to do to avoid a setback today?

Devise a few simple goals for the day - I have a few chores around the house that I have to do. Meditate. Go to the gym. Go for a walk/bike ride. Go to a cafe and read my book for a while. That should do.

Over and out.
Had a bad setback the last two days. It all started three evenings ago when I went for a few drinks with work friends. One particular woman was there who is very attractive (in an almost 'porn' kind of way if you know what I mean).

I came back a little drunk and started browsing through facebook profiles triggered by the memory of seeing her that night. It all went downhill from there and the next thing I know, two days later I have disabled my content blocker on my pc and I binged on porn. I was kind of lonely the last two days which didn't help. I'm also really dissatisfied with my job and desperately want to work somewhere better. I guess these things have a way of catching up on me and porn becomes an easy way of dealing with the emotions but at a terrible cost.

It feels shit but at the same time I haven't lost sight of the bigger picture and the progress I have made so far. This month overall has been very positive compared to the previous months. I don't regard myself as being back to square one. Just another setback on the road to complete recovery.

Jack Can

Active Member
Did you talk to the porn-esque woman you saw at the bar? I think it is very empowering to know that you can talk to anyone you want and be able to express your personality with them. IDK sounds kind of weird now that I say it haha


Active Member
Hey, what's been going on since your last post? In your last post, you mentioned you were drunk. At least for me, alcohol removes my inhibitions to all my vices, like bingeing on junk food, and definitely porn, too. I can also relate to what you said about facebook... you can start by innocently looking at your timeline but then you notice one of your friends has a female friend who is absolutely gorgeous. So you click on her profile and of course, you find many more images of this beautiful woman. Then you notice that she has a couple of very attractive female friends, and then... well, you know what happens next. For me, it's pinterest. I start by looking at my usual cars and airplanes but before you know it I am searching for beautiful women. So now I have unfollowed a few boards featuring beautiful women, as well as a secret board I had used for keeping "the best of the best" from the boards I was following. This is actually working pretty well for me. Unfortunately, it's not so easy with facebook.
So things are going pretty well right now. I'm currently on a seven day streak. I'm limiting my computer time and keeping quite active by going to the gym a lot. Between the gym, work, meditation, playing music, and reading, I'm keeping quite focused. I've also decided to limit my alcohol consumption to a bare minimum, just an occasional social drink with friends.

Still on the lookout for an accountability partner. If I don't find one soon I might ask a close friend instead. I have been contemplating asking him for a while now.

Day 14.

Things are going incredibly well.

I am little apprehensive to say it, but I've met someone. I know some people recommend staying away from a relationship during a reboot. But with this woman it just felt so right to go for it. I couldn't wait, in case I missed an opportunity I might not get again.

I feel really comfortable with her. I can certainly say that I'm on a path to rewiring myself to real intimacy. Since I've met her I haven't had any porn thoughts nor have I lost myself in porn daydreaming and fantasizing. I've been really focused. I'm not gazing at women passing by in public either. I just want to be really good to her.

I can imagine there are alarm bells ringing in many people's heads here reading this. I can understand if people think it's too soon, and that I will rely too heavily on our relationship to get me through a reboot. If it falls apart I could easily end up relapsing. But I can honestly say that I am sticking with my strategies: meditation, exercise, music etc.

That's all for now.


Active Member
Hey man, that's cool you met a girl already. Good job sticking to your habits, I would say meditation really helps. I'm on day 14 too! Keep it up!
Day 17.

I'm pretty damn happy at the moment. Zero urges to relapse. I'm beginning to wake up with morning wood whilst thinking of my girlfriend. Sex with her is incredible and I'm having no problems getting hard for her.

For the first two weeks of my current streak I was kind of flatlining. So I was a bit concerned that getting physical with her would be problematic. I guess the fact that my pornography use over the past few years has become so sporadic must have helped. Despite not completing a 90 day reboot, the drop in consumption still makes an improvement to performance (I think). Also, I am consciously aware that real intimacy is something to desire whereas pornography is something to completely reject. This conscious decision probably helps too.

Anyway, like I said, things are going very well. I'm still taking things day by day, and trying to stick with my recovery strategies. Hopefully my current situation can provide some hope to others here.


Day 20.

All going well.

It's true; rewiring your brain to real intimacy is absolutely possible!! I've had both PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction)  and PIDE (porn-induced delayed ejaculation) in the past.

Now I'm getting hard in a matter of seconds with my girlfriend and climaxing with her too. This is such a fantastic feeling. Hopefully this inspires some others out there.

Day 39.

I've completed my first porn free month in a long time. It's quite fitting that it was a November, since it was November 2015 that I started my recovery. My life is fairly busy at the moment which is nice. My sex life is good too.

Occasionally I'm still partial to 'porn style' fantasies, when I'm horny in the morning in bed. But I'm making an effort to instead think about my girlfriend, which is easy because I'm really attracted to her. The occasional urge arises to search for some images online but I'm doing well to just walk away from the computer and find something else to do. Obviously the potential 'high' of watching porn would be huge, but I'm really aware that is not worth it. When that thought arises I just say to myself, ''why would you bother destroying this great progress you are making? You really don't want that".

I'm also noticing other benefits of mental clarity and better mood. I'm really looking forward to reaching 90 days porn free.

That's all for now.
Day 52.

I opened up to a close friend about my addiction and my recovery. He has been very supportive and thoughtful. It felt great to talk about it openly with someone finally. He took over administration of my filtering softwares and I feel much more secure knowing that he can hold me accountable.

Other than that, I'm having the best sex of my life with someone I really care about. I'm lost for words.

Day 78.

My posts are going to continue to be sporadic as things are progressing so well. What can I say at about where I am right now?

Well my anxiety about sexual performance is completely gone. I am regularly having sex with absolutely no issues. I don't get lost in daydreaming to 'porn stayle' fantasies. When I see a really sexy woman passing in public I don't get caught up in a strong urge to relapse. I suppose I am still prone to looking at beautiful women when I see them in public but it doesn't have so much of a hold on me as it used to. And checking out women isn't exactly a big problem.

Having a close friend as an accountability partner is great. He has administration over my filtering softwares. If I relapse, he will know about it, and that is a very effective barrier between me and porn.

The shame I used to feel for watching porn is really fading. I go about my life feeling happy with who I am, and it's great to just live without that underlying shame, anxiety and mental fogginess.

I'm really looking forward to reaching 90 days pornfree, and further.

That's all for now.