Why Am I Not Getting This?

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

I am sitting around the house. I have deep dark circles under my eyes again, my thinking is fuzzy, my temper explosive, my voice a girly hoarse rasp, no strength at all in my body, my eyesight hazy and I just want to die really and I really badly want to fap. My dick is tingling and I just want to play with my plank.

I managed to get to just over a month earlier this year and I felt superhuman. In reality though, I felt as normal people do but compared to always feeling like shit, I felt like superman. I had unbelievable levels of confidence, beautiful women noticed me and walked over and began to chat, my body was changing, lines were appearing on my stomach and I felt so strong it was unreal. I was doing stuff out in the yard, digging holes and pulling down dead parts of trees when normally I can't even turn a spade in the ground because I'm so shattered.

I am on day 2 AGAIN! I don't seem to ever be able to get beyond the 2 week mark (although as I have mentioned, I can count one month of NOFAP) and I don't understand why. I have gone to YBOP and religiously read the articles, all of them over and over again and I 'get it.' I want to stop. I pray, meditate, eat well, exercise regularly when I'm on the NOFAP streak, I put all the things into place that should make a reboot possible yet I always find myself fapping away at the 2 week mark.

WHY AM I NOT GETTING THIS?

I am a 40 year old guy with a failed marriage, a poor employment record and no future because of this fapping nonsense. The last job I had I lost because of the fapping. I fapped and came into work the next day. I was drained, couldn't talk and think straight and ended up exploding temper wise at work and that was the end of that. Had I not fapped I would still be there. Fapping has ruined my life. I cannot remember a time except during the one month streak where I have felt good in and of myself since the day I began fapping which was 27 years ago!!! 27 years!!!!!! I have wasted over a quarter of a century on something which has brought me nothing good whatsoever.

In the month when I stopped fapping, the dark circles under my eyes went completely, my skin looked clearer, my eyesight improved, the clarity of vision was astounding. My sense of taste improved, I began to lift weights and started really looking after myself physically in many ways other than just exercise by putting on aftershave, trimming my beard, using facial washes, brushing and flossing my teeth several times a day and that kind of thing. My voice noticeably deepened and became more resonant, people would notice when I walked into a room and listen to what I had to say without interrupting. Other guys began seeing me like one of their own rather than a girlyboy. Washboard abs appeared where I've always had puppy fat. I was like a different person.

I was able to talk to women and make prolonged eye contact. I found things funny and found myself genuinely interested in others. The world felt new, I suddenly experienced a sense of being very alive. Not just alive but very alive. It was a tremendous time. I was going out all the time and doing things. Now I'm back to sitting around indoors, I don't want to see anyone or talk to them and yesterday I did go out, I saw a beautiful woman and I put my head down and scurried away, I didn't want her to see me and I was frightened of engaging in an interaction with her in case she laughed at me. Fapping has taken away my masculinity and my life.

Then at the end of the month or so of NOFAP I experienced some moderate stress and rather than dealing with it like an adult I went back to playing with my dick and it's all been pretty crap since then. The fact I feel bad about myself only adds to the self-loathing, shame and utter hopelessness I feel and that lends itself to the vicious cycle of fapping. I have noticed that I never fap when I am feeling good about myself. Only when I feel bad about things.

I need some stern talking to because in and of myself I am not getting this at all and yet I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. They say Life Begins At 40, oh God I so want it to. What on earth do I need to do to finally get this NOFAP business to go into my head and stay there? Please guys, I need some outside help because I'm exhausted. Why with all the safeguards and positive routines I'm putting in place am I not able to get through this? Plus, I suffer terribly with HOCD despite never looking at others guys sexually and that tends to be the trigger to want to 'test' myself and then it all goes downhill from there.

Thanks for listening.

 

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

I'm really struggling now. I realise that much of my masturbatory habits has been about fear, shame and anxiety. I never fap when I'm feeling good about myself. I have been sitting here looking around the forums and reading what others are going through and what's happened? I have begun to feel the fear I'm not going to beat this, the shame has come down and I'm now leaking pre-cum from my dick, lots of it and I want to fap like it was going out of fashion. I want to just get it out and beat one off. The only thing that's stopping me is the fact I already feel terribly drained, achy and possessed of an unnatural mind fog which is threatening to envelop me. These symptoms will only get worse if I relent. I can't even find something to do because it feels like I am lugging round an old person's body, my arms and legs feel like lead. I can't even sit behind my drum-kit and play because I don't have the energy to bang away let alone keep in time.

I started fapping at age 13 and the only time I ever really needed to fap was that very first time. From day one it became a habit which I have been feeding at least once daily ever since. How I would love some healthy sexuality in my life. Even the realisation of knowing that 99.9% of all my sexual experiences have been a result of my right hand and a porno mag/computer screen hasn't been enough to awaken me from this nightmare. I think the neural pathways in my brain are so hard-wired into the fap habit that little else can make a difference which is why I now have to go into hard mode and just get through this any way I can. I've lost half of my life in essence, there's no more time to waste. I really want to fap but I'm not going to give in to it.

 

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

I've just gone crazy, shouting and swearing and throwing things across the room and ranting like a madman! I don't know what came over me, I just lost it completely. I then ran through to where I am now horrified in case any of the windows were open and if the neighbours could have heard me. I now have to clean up the mess in the kitchen, the contents of the fruit bowl and various bowls of vegetables on the side are now plastered all over the walls.

When I managed my streak of 32 days, I didn't have these angry outbursts at all, I became much more even-tempered. I'm not even able to really type this as I have to keep moving the cursor back and correcting everything as I go because the letters are swimming all over the place in front of me. I have brought this on myself because 2 days ago I sat down, got my dick out and played with it for hours and hours looking for the right image to cum to, thus leaving me spent, empty and miserable. This is the aftermath of that.

What am I doing with my life?

 

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

I just had kind of an epiphany, or if that's too strong a word, a sort of realisation. It was as if I was watching myself rather than actually being myself, like I was watching a movie of my life and to the outsider I must seem very strange. I rarely go out, look terrible, have no confidence, never talk with anyone who lives where I do and to all intents and purposes I am social leper, a recluse. When I venture out into the yard it's never where I can be seen, thankfully it's large and full of trees and so I can hide out and not be noticed but that isn't the way anyone should behave. The young woman from 2 doors down drove up the other day in her car and I was at the window waiting for her to unfold herself, her lovely bouncing tits on display. My hand went down to my chopper and started to manipulate it yet I can't even talk to her in real-life and I've lived here years. I am a mere shadow of the man I should be. I look in the mirror and I see someone who is genderless, shrouded in puppy fat and with no clear defining lines. I need out of all of this, it's too bizarre for words.

 

[desperate]

thanks for your kind and helpful words to me I am new to this site as well and still learning as the other guys will tell you we are all in the same boat just take one day at a time don,t keep beating yourself up your not the only one we have all struggled and relapsed don,t give in keep trying you will get there in the end


keep strong routing for you

 

[BreakingTheFapCycle]

And thank you.

 

[OldHornyGuy]

Your story brought tears to my eyes as I recognize so much of myself in it.  Not only the hours, days, months and years of my life wasted, but also the denigration of women.  I cannot not count the number of real life women I have MOed about, but never even talked to.  And like you, not just some random stranger on the street, but neighbors and such. 

I don't want to get to much into my shame here as I know that is a dangerous emotion, especially early in recovery, but I am trying to turn my life around and one way is being honest about my sexuality.

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[LTE]

Take a deep breath and relax. You have to make some changes, but you are not anyplace that you can't leave behind. I wanted to for 43 years (!!!!!!!) and I was  finally able to break free, so can you. My temper is more even, I'm more calm, I'm happier, I'm healthier and I look better than I did 20 years ago.

First thing: The longer you go, the easier it becomes. You do not increase in sexual tension as time passes. I haven't ejaculated in nearly 600 days and I'm not suffering a bit because of it. I don't have "blue balls" and my urinary tract is happy as can be. When I was 14, way back in the late '60s, I was told that you build up pressure if you don't ejaculate frequently: BUNK! The prostate reabsorbs and renews semen on an ongoing basis. Unfortunately, I, and a lot of other poor guys labored under a misconception and thought that they had to "relieve the pressure" from time to time. During the first few weeks of rebooting I had some minor urinary issues, leakage, one spontaneous ejaculation (no orgasm, no stimulation involved) and frequent urination. It ran its course and I haven't had any problems beyond the first month or so.

Second thing: Having had a long history of porn and masturbation you will be retraining yourself not to use these as a treatment for stress. In this sense, porn addiction (and chronic masturbation) are much like alcoholism. If you remove the alcohol from an alcoholic's life you have to replace it with positive alternatives; meditation, exercise, helping others, etc, etc. The same is true for porn and masturbation problems. You have to learn alternate behaviors. I would recommend the book "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. He's a psychologist with a history of porn addiction that he had to overcome. That book did wonders for me.

Third thing: Fear, shame and anxiety don't help. Half of the reason you are feeling compelled is the adrenaline rush of doing something forbidden. Once the forbidden fruit factor is removed porn, and other unproductive sexual excitement, becomes pretty boring stuff. I don't want to watch porn anymore, much as I don't want to buy a toy car and roll it across the living room rug making "vroom, vroom" sounds. I've outgrown both of these things. Amazingly, absent the ear, shame and anxiety, the things that used to trigger me no longer have that effect. It used to be that just a brief glimpse of nudity in a PG 13 or R rated movie would almost certainly lead to a binge. Since rebooting and resolving to turn my life around I don't find nudity exciting. I watched an old cult classic from the '70s a while back and it had a tasteful nude scene. My reaction was to be in awe of the beauty of this woman, noticing her overall form and shape, not just the bits that would be hidden by a bikini.

Fourth thing: There's a beautiful world out there that is obscured by porn addiction. You had a taste during your 32 days free. Believe me, it only gets better. Women are friendlier than ever and I'm convinced that it's because I give off a more positive vibe now that I'm no longer masturbating. I used to have the same discomfort around women that you express in your posts. You can be free of this when you break the cycle for good.

Fifth thing: We need your help. Let me repeat that. We need your help. Perhaps, more to the point, you need to help others. If you feel tempted just logon, find an interesting thread and post to it. If I feel tempted I make it a point to post her at RN and that takes my focus off of myself and places it on others. This will help you more than anything else.

 

[survivor]

Hey buddy!

Survivor here.

I really connected to much of your story. I found one part especially interesting - the part where you said you separated from yourself and were watching yourself. I experienced that quite a few years ago when I first got into recovery. My sponsor told me I should meditate, which I started to do, and still do on a daily basis 18 years or so later. Anyway, like many people in the early days of recovery I was not in a good place. Suffering from depression, anxiety, lots of self doubts and low self esteem. Meditating did not seem to help in the beginning but I kept at it because my sponsor told me things would eventually change. One morning while meditating I suddenly felt myself being on the ceiling looking down at myself as I meditated. This voice said "Well, if you want to feel shitty that's your choice but you don't have to." It was really cool! Suddenly I realized that I had a choice. I could choose to feel miserable or I could choose to feel happy. My being miserable was simply a program I had running around in my head - a tape. And I could erase the tape and reprogram the tape.

Since that time there have been many occasions when I have unconsciously slipped back into my old ways of thinking. But the beauty is I quickly become aware of the fact and remember that I can change the tape. I need to constantly work at thinking in a positive manner. I need to be very careful and limit my time around negative people. I even need to be careful about watching the news because that can make me feel negative. BUT! Big but... I know what the tools are and I know how and when to use the tools.

Our minds become programmed with all kinds of shit and it gets to a point where we don't even know it's a program. We believe it's our reality, and I guess it is if we believe it but it can be changed.

Hope this helps a bit.