Excellent points raven song. My husband's lying definitely started from a dysfunctional home. In his home growing up, and still to this day, they never discuss anything important. It doesn't matter how important or insignificant, nothing is every discussed. This includes the molestation of both him and his sister when they were quite young by two different cousins (never discussed, never acknowledged, never reported even though his mother knew - his father still doesn't know). His father mentioned being diagnosed with cancer as a passing item one day over dinner. I was shocked and wanted to provide support. Everyone else just said, "Oh, that is too bad" and that was it - no more conversation. It was over and it has never been discussed with any of them again. His mother clearly has signs of dementia showing, they just simply don't say anything. It is like they have convinced themselves if you ignore something, it will eventually just go away.
Then, along comes someone like me, that likes to go ahead at the first sign of trouble and tackle it head on. My husband acknowledges that he really liked that aspect about me and that is what draw him to me. He enjoyed my talking openly with him about anything and he loved that for the first time in his life, he could truly talk about things. However, that was for talking about good things - hopes, dreams, desires, recounting fun childhood memories, etc. But, he just cannot truly and authentically break past his childhood barriers in discussing the not so fun things. Those hard and uncomfortable conversations, he just runs to his 'safe space'. For a long time, that was porn. Instead of talking, even now after porn is long gone (he has been free of porn for 17 months now), he still can't have full, authentic conversations. It is easier and safer 'for him' to lie.
What is shows is that he values his own comfort over what everyone else in the house needs. My kids are very much like me - open, honest, authentic. They have been tremendously hurt by him because they trusted him just like I did. They know I am honest. Even if I have to talk to them about hard things and things that are uncomfortable - I will be honest. They gave those same attributes to my husband. The first time they caught my husband in a lie for themselves, they were devastated. Your parent isn't supposed to lie. The problem intensifies because they are talkers. My kids know they can come and ask me anything, that is how it has always been. So, they have tried to do the same with my husband. However, since telling the truth makes my husband uncomfortable, and he can't just not answer them, he will simply lie. Sometimes it isn't an outright lie, he will lie by omission or lie by not answering the actual question they are asking. They are at a critical age and I notice whenever they have an important question, they will come to me. It was heartbreaking to see that they just completely lost respect for him.
It has been hard for me to wrap my head around, because I was raised to believe that lying was wrong and that it is better to be authentic and hurt, then lie and pretend like you are happy. In fact, I had told my husband from day one that lying was a deal breaker for me in terms of relationships, because it is so disorienting and can drive the honest person crazy. Even in the face of losing everything - his wife, his kids' respect, his marriage and intact family, he just can't break the habit. He will tell the truth if I ask just the right question, in just the right way, so that is he backed into a corner. However, that is completely draining.
We have settled into a new normal that is for me a horrible existence, but one he finds familiar and comfortable. We talk only about things that can be verified. Did he pay the light bill. Do the kids have sports practice tomorrow. Anything beyond that leaves me frustrated and drained because I will hear a lie and I just cannot let a lie stand without confrontation, especially now. It won't even be something big. You can ask him, "what color is the sky?". He will answer, "the sky is green." When you say, "Oh, to me the sky looks mostly blue." His response will be, "that is what I said." When you say, "No, you said green." He will reply, "You must have heard me wrong, I believe I said the sky was aquamarine, which is a shade of blue." To avoid this type of frustration, the kids and I pretty much just barely talk to him about anything of meaning.
I do try to have some sort of real discussion with him once or twice a week, but if feels like a counseling session in which I am walking him through the steps of how to tell the truth the first time. It is draining. Especially when I spent months supporting through is porn addiction recovery. Part of my search through things prior and after d-day showed that he wasn't just lying about porn, he had lied about bad financial decisions he had made and had even lied about parts of his past. The lies about his past weren't 'major' things, but - why lie at all? Why say you were never into porn when you had a subscription to playboy in your twenties?
I have come to the really sad conclusion that had I recognized he had this issue, I never would have married him. He hid it well, but that is because he was raised in a family that is amazingly good at hiding skeletons and even their own pain. I mean, who announces they have cancer - then never even mentions it again? We know he went through chemo and apparently it was successful, we don't know - his dad just never talks about it. His sister told me she was molested at a young age in the most random and nonchalant way and I sat there with my mouth open. I asked if her mother knew and she said, "Yeah, she said just forget about it." But, it only repressed it. She is now in her 40s, single - never been married, never had a real relationship, and she recently had a hysterectomy - so she has no chance of ever having kids. Not one person in the family connected her inability to function in adult relationships and all of her female anatomy problems to being the victim of molestation by a family member. It is like they truly have told themselves it didn't happen and she is just 'unlucky in love and health'. My husband understands that I cannot allow that type of life for my kids, but he just cannot join us on the island of truth, honesty, and authenticity. His ties to his family are just too strong. It took him forever to even come to terms with the fact that his mother was a horrible parent. You do not allow your kids to be molested by random cousins and just tell them to not say anything. She was still bringing them around the people. I had creepy feelings about one of the cousin's as soon as I met him and stopped letting my kids go to family reunions. His mother to this day is upset that I won't go and take the kids, even though I know she is still welcoming this molester. My husband's sister still goes to the family reunions, knowing her abuser will likely show up. But, she says she just doesn't think about it, so it is no big deal. That abuse and the reaction to it has completely ruined her life, and she doesn't even feel it is okay to be angry and she still worships the ground her mother walks on and thinks she is the best mother in the world.
So, I don't have a lot of hope for my husband's transformation. He is trying, I will say that. He has made some improvement. But, I am unwilling to allow my children to be harmed by his lying 'in the meantime'. So, we will stay in our status quo until I know my children are at an age when they can fully defend themselves from his lies and gaslighting on their own. Until then, I am the shield of defense. I am showing them that the first job of the parent is to protect the children from harm, no matter where that harm might come from. In the USA - lying, gaslighting, none of those things would impact visitation rights. I can't even say it is unsafe because the kids might be taken around child molesters - because no one in the family will admit to the molestation. My husband actually tried to get me to let the kids attend the family reunion last year. With a known child molester - are you crazy? So, I know he is just not able to make the right decisions if had unsupervised visitation.