Fixing a Problem

J

Jimmy

Member
Hi All -

My story is not unique. I have been a heavy porn user as a teen in HS and then through college and now as a 25 (almost 26) year old adult. What's really caused this to be a problem lately is that I am married.

Being married and addicted to porn makes the issue that much worse because it affects my closeness with my wife and sometimes even my performance. I've been trying to drop porn seriously for 4 months now. Its going okay. I suffer relapses more often than I like. That's why I decided to start this journal.

I need to seriously get my shit together. I'm tired of being weak and susceptible to porn. I did suffer a relapse today. I don't know the trigger - possibly stress and working from home. I'm hoping to find some accountability here. I respect you guys for taking these steps.

I am grateful for my wife.

My goal is drop porn for good. I am aiming for the 90 days now, but I am looking for an altogether end.

My triggers are when I am alone.

Day - 0

 
P

Promise

Well-Known Member
You're doing the right thing buddy, my background is similar to yours, except I'm not married, so I know what you're going through.
 
Grounded

Grounded

Member
Hey, man. It's good that you joined and started a journal. Stopping PMO can only help your relationship, and this is the first step. Good luck to you.
 
noises1990

noises1990

Active Member
Hey man! Welcome to the forum! You'll see that it's easier when you have people to talk to and discuss what you're going through! Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride, but I believe you're strong enough!!
Inform yourself as much as possible on this issue to know what may come. Visit YBOP (www.yourbrainonporn.com, you'll find a lot of articles that might prove helpful in times of distress.
Also, you can watch Gabe's youtube videos that are also incredibly helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0dDLWGMhUo

Take care man and be strong!
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Thanks for the support, guys.

Had a relapse today. The relapses are getting closer together. I spent a lot of time this weekend suffering from urges, and I started to think about why I am trying to do this. I?ve been paying a lot of attention to my triggers and am realizing they are lifestyle based. My two biggest triggers are being home alone (I work from home) and traveling (I travel alone when I don?t work from home). I have a trip coming up Aug 24-28 and I am worried it will be near impossible to abstain. I don?t know how to abstain in such a scenario. My wife also works all day. So I find myself sitting alone, responding to emails and getting stressed throughout the day. The situation is killer for this addiction.

I?m struggling with motivation. Putting all cards on the table ? I had a homosexual P experience in Nov/Dec and it shocked me enough to start researching the topic of porn on your brain. That?s what led me here and taught me about signs of addiction. I?ve been able to process what happened and see myself now slipping back into the addiction. I?m no longer scared about the thought of being gay.
I?m glad the homosexual experience happened, albeit it was extremely intense to process. But it showed me the problem I have. After that I could see how deep I was into P.

I am watching myself relapse. Now that my sexual identify is restored I find it too easy to slip. And it leads me to the question. Is it even possible to really drop P? I?ve heard that addicts stay addicts because they would rather fail small than fail big. Is that the course I?m headed for? Let?s say I drop P for a solid 90 days only to relapse on day 91 or 92. What was the point? All the struggle and all the anxiety to fight something that is philosophically natural. I understand P in practice is unnatural, but the desire to see women in those moderate situations feels very right. Let me know if you disagree.

No one can tell me why I should drop P and why the fight against P is going to be worth it. I can only answer that for myself. I am afraid I won?t be able to, and I?ll just pitifully limp along addicted and in this struggle for the rest of my life.

Day - 0
 
J

Jimmy

Member
I think I have put my finger closer to the problem.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I WONT be able to stop porn - so why even try?

I'm afraid I CANT handle the addiction withdrawals.

This fear is leading to a lack of motivation. I seriously need to figure out why I want to do this for good.  I'm a fairly high functioning porn addict, and I know that as I go down this road my performance may be threatened - only temporarily.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Things are better. Trying to not think about P at all in general, and I realize I have a choice. No one is holding a gun to my head trying to make me drop P. There is life with P and without P. Life without P is more productive, natural, peaceful, relaxing, and enjoyable.

Day - 1
 
innergothkid

innergothkid

Active Member
Jimmy said:
I think I have put my finger closer to the problem.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I WONT be able to stop porn - so why even try?

I'm afraid I CANT handle the addiction withdrawals.

This fear is leading to a lack of motivation. I seriously need to figure out why I want to do this for good.  I'm a fairly high functioning porn addict, and I know that as I go down this road my performance may be threatened - only temporarily.
Click to expand...

Dude. You can stop. And you can handle the withdrawals. They're honestly not that bad. There are better days and there are worse days, but my worst day without PMO was magnitudes better than my worst day with it.

Welcome to the forum. We'll kick your ass if you don't succeed. (Of course, I'm being facetious... unless that's the kind of motivation you need. :p)
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Thanks, guys. I appreciate the support. Its a continued up and down. I've made it 10 days at the most so far. I need to get my shit together. I really need a push to take me from not wanting to look at P to being resolute and fighting the urges. I give into the urges now because its the path of least resistance.

PIED is coming back. Not from the obsessive PMO from the past but more because of some guilt. I haven't felt guilty before, and its not looking at P that makes me feel guilty. Its seeing myself unable to conquer this as of yet.

I am taking a new approach. I am going to write in this journal daily even if its just one sentence. I'm also gonna start a damn counter.

This is fucking difficult.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Narrowing my reboot to no P specifically. If I need something else for stress relief I'm going to consider that within the bounds for now. Its a fine line, but this is a reachable goal. Once this is done, I'll phase it out as well. Just M stuff to non P pics if necessary.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Lots of struggles today. Need to get my shit together. Need to get myself all artificial stimulation. I think the no P first and then no artificial later approach is good, it just makes it easy to slip back and relapse.

Need to stay strong. This isnt a game. Its a serious addiction.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Business trip coming up this Wed-Fri. Not looking forward to the struggle. Getting irritated with it. Letting myself MO and shooting for the PMO elimination after 90 days of this seems like a crutch - not sure I am really helping myself here. But I get so sick of failing. If I define PMO and MO to be the same I feel like I'm screwed.

Going with what is realistic and feasible. But the fact is that I need to follow the themes outlined here to do a holistic reboot. No artificial stimuli whatsoever.

Ned to stay focused. PMO is gone. Need to find a way to avoid it in my mind. Need to be resolute. Any falter in my mind will cause me to fail.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Guilt seems to be a factor today more than ever before. Strange... did this shit for years and only now its bugging me. I know its because for the first time I am trying to quit and failing. I hate failing.
 
J

jjhh

Active Member
Jimmy said:
Narrowing my reboot to no P specifically. If I need something else for stress relief I'm going to consider that within the bounds for now. Its a fine line, but this is a reachable goal. Once this is done, I'll phase it out as well. Just M stuff to non P pics if necessary.
Click to expand...

Hey man.
So how has this been working for you? Have you been able to stay of the P?
I was thinking the same for a while, you know just MO within reason and quit the P.
But I'm definately concerned that some MO leads to more MO, and that ultimately leads to PMO...
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Its working, man. It allows me to deal with the urges and get them over and out of my mind as fast as possible. I still seem to exhibit the affects of an addict, though, which shows me I am going to have to go to no PMO/artificial stimuli MO eventually if I actually wanna kick this.

I am pretty OCD - and too much of anything is not good. For now, this works though.

I'm not an expert on addiction, but it seems to me that stopping something addictive one has done for over a decade will just lead to failure; and that's the most disappointing thing of all.

My plan is 90 days of no P whatsoever and then 90 days of no artificial stimuli whatsoever. Although that last 90 really should be an eternity.
 
J

Jimmy

Member
Successful travel last week. No P. Made it past 30 days. Time to start cutting all digital stimuli. This will be the difficult part. 
 
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