Aiming for Honesty and Consistency

[alongtheriver]

Day 16

No urges today really to speak of. 3 hours of driving with my wife today and lots of talk over the book we are both reading (Love You, Hate the Porn). Had some good realizations today that related to me feeling inadequate and not worthy. I?m narrowing in on one of my emotional triggers which I think has to do with being in situations where I feel not good enough, or at least compared to those around me. My wife says my perspective on this is skewed from reality and I am quite good at some of these things. But I don?t feel that way and I?m thinking that the cognitive dissonance happening there is one of there reasons I seek out the numbing of tuning out to porn. Talking through this in the car today brought on some good tears on my part, so maybe I?m on to something. Who knows, but worth some thought.

 

[getagrip]

Honest self-reflection is a good thing. But I think those of us who are introspective tend to be a little hard on ourselves. Sure, you have imperfections, just like we all do. But you also have a lot of good things going on for yourself, so... if possible (and I know it's hard) ease up on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself at least as well as you would treat your best friend or your wife.

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 17

Today and yesterday were lots about emotion. It seems that everything around me is a trigger for crying for some reason. When reflecting on that today I think it may have to do with porn, frequent mindless internet usage even without, TV, movies, and alcohol have all been numbing agents and now that they are all gone for a while, all the crap I?ve been stuffing and ignoring is coming to the surface. I really wish I could be going through this with some therapy, but hey. Today there was just lots of grief that I cannot seem to identify a cause for. Who knows, but there it is. I?ve been having massive urges to just futz on the internet so that I can not think about anything deep for a while. It is exhausting. But I think doing that is usually how I end up relapsing, so I?m not. I?m taking the advice in that book and seeking solace in my wife and telling her. She is responding really well to it and is being great and supportive which is disorientating and also satisfying. I say disorientation because I feel she should be hating me right now for what I?ve put her through, but the book says that she would really just like to be close and honest and so I?m trying it even though it seems wrong, but all the right responses keep coming. Closer, kinder, etc. I?m just going to roll with it even though it is counter to all my urges because it just keeps getting better. I guess I?d just call it counterintuitive, but all for the best so far.

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 18

Today I had a hell of a day. Read a story in that book describes a process that I go through frequently. That is having someone say anything critical about my work and then lashing out at them for , seemingly, no reason. The realization I had is that I?m not confident in my work and feel like a failure a lot, but rather than let that settle in and think about it, I numb that out right away and instead just poke at where the feedback came from in the first place. It was a strange experience to read about this story where this fellow was driving and looking at the scenery and his wife mentioned that he may want to keep his eyes more on the road (he had gone over the line a couple times). The immediate action that he thought to take was to criticize her a bunch for anything that had been doing on because there is always something, but through some counseling he sat on it for a while and tried to see what emotions it was causing. Then he realized that that one comment made it so that he felt the entire planning of the trip, packing the car, dealing with the kids to get them to where they were was all shit rather than just that one moment where he drove over the line. He just felt like a complete failure and felt like he might as well pull over, get out and let them continue on while he just waited to die on the side of the road. Extreme thoughts? Hell yeah. Almost same exact process I?ve found myself going through? Oh yes. I read that (much better described in the book) and I just sat and bawled  for a food 30 minutes. Just killed me. Why? Because I realized I was lashing out a bunch only because my self-worth is so low. I want to make everything right so much for those around me that when anyone points out one tiny little thing wrong I want to throw the entire thing out and feel like a complete failure. Weird, right? But only by stopping the numbing was this able to surface. Next up is to try and sit on those feelings a little longer and figure out how I really feel and then tell my wife about them so that she can help me through it (at least that is the book advice).

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 19

Tough day today emotionally. Similar to yesterday. I?m dealing with some self-esteem issues and feeling really down on myself. Turns out this is the emotional state I like to paste over with porn. Not going to happen today, but the urges returned. They were mild, but definitely there. I just want to put my head down and numb out really bad and then along with that are patterns firing in my brain that remind me to seek that dopamine hit. Well, I made it to the end of the day anyway. All this emotional release is a new thing for me. All the other times I?ve quit porn I just replaced one numbing agent for another. Mostly it was booze and TV. I?m not letting myself do much of that so all the emotions are right there on the surface and they just keep boiling over. Ah well. One more day down at least!

 

[TakeActionNow]

Along,
You're right on the esteem angle.
But more importantly, we cant deal with more negativity from others because we are already giving ourselves so much harsh words.

So whats the way?

1. Be kinder to ourselves
2. Dont be so hard on ourselves
3. Have only nice and positive words for ourselves
4. Drown out negative thoughts with positive word mantra

Why numbing (escapism) is a way of dealing, the issues still remain.
The harder but more meaningful way is to look at your issues head on and deal with them.
You'll be happier because you will be finding solutions.

I used to blame others.
I realized later that i was the problem
It was all my perspective
Change my perspective and everything changes

 

[alongtheriver]

1. Be kinder to ourselves
2. Dont be so hard on ourselves
3. Have only nice and positive words for ourselves
4. Drown out negative thoughts with positive word mantra

Agreed. How do you find the motivation to do these things when you don't feel like you are worth it (at least that is how I feel a lot of the time).

Thanks!

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 20

Today was better. We talked disclosure last night and I admitted how long I had been hiding since our last one. Far too long is what that amounts to. I?m ashamed to have lied to her so many times over the last year. What a shit I am. Last night was tough. But today there is less tension in the air and I?m feeling relieved and she says she is feeling a little better, so that is good positive reinforcement for being honest. Scares the shit out of me in the moment though. She also has some body pain associated with these kind of intense talks and I got an idea from that book: rubbing her feet while talking about this stuff. She said that it did help some, so that?s good.

Today was relief somewhat and really no urges. She is about to head out of the room for a bath and I?m struggling to not want to watch TV at the very least, but I will read instead. I?d love to just tune out for a bit. All this emotion and talking is damn tiring.

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 23

Today I got a newsletter email from a podcaster that I follow and their interview this week was with a person from the sex-worker trade in Nevada. Of course it came with an evocative photo of them and I could not stop looking at it and I even clicked on the twitter link to check out their profile. Thankfully, this was on my phone and I have setup some security measures on there for any adult content and it gave me a little warning that the profile could contain that stuff and I was able to get myself to click away. Fucking triggering shit that should not be a big deal and isn?t for most folks can make me run aground. I hate that. Oh well, I guess that is my life now. I?ve shared this with my wife in a shared journal that we have. I hope it is OK. I get nervous about sharing stuff like this with her even though it is always received with kindness and caring and an attitude of just wanting to help and be part of my process. All that said, it is still scary.

My last couple days were just too busy and exhausting to leave time for updates. I survived, but I?m now totally raw emotionally and completely wiped physically and emotionally from some work I did on Saturday. Good stuff, but it leaves me in a weak place.

I also had some wine on both Friday and Saturday night. A couple glasses each evening. It was all in a social context and was not used to numb out, so that is good.

Still on the right track it seems. 23 days is not too bad. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be tough. I?m just going to remind myself here and now that I just need to get through one day.

 

[alongtheriver]

Day 24

Whew, feeling introvert drain today. I?ve got family visiting and along with a holiday coming up with lots of people around and this last weekend of intense social activity, I?m drained. Thankfully (haha), I?ll have a weekend off at the end of the week. I just want to make it there without relapse so that I can enjoy it. Here?s to one more day!

 

[Strike a true path]

Yeah, here's to it ATR!
You are really getting stuck in and going through all the stuff you have to go through without having the porn to lean on. Great that you have the support of your partner. As time goes by you will feel a lot better about yourself -it is a massive relief to be free of the guilt that comes with porn use and the furtive behaviours that we adopt when using.

 

[alongtheriver]

Yeah, here's to it ATR!
You are really getting stuck in and going through all the stuff you have to go through without having the porn to lean on. Great that you have the support of your partner. As time goes by you will feel a lot better about yourself -it is a massive relief to be free of the guilt that comes with porn use and the furtive behaviours that we adopt when using.

Thank you! I am starting to feel some relief in that area and it feels great. I appreciate the kind words.

 

[alongtheriver]

I realized I have not been using this template and I?m up late today and don?t want to write much, so I?ll use this:

- Did I use porn today?
- Nope!
- What were my triggers?
- Being home alone mid-day. Having some urges this morning.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I closed my eyes and sat with the urges until they passed. Then paid attention to the feelings that followed. Today it was that I felt inferior to the rest of my family -- like a kid compared to them being adults. I think the lack of self-confidence is at the root of some of my PMO as a way to numb out.
- What am I grateful for today?
- For my wife and family. For snuggling with her and telling her about the above. She accepted it and was supportive.
- Day counter!
- 25

 

[aquarius25]

My husband did, and still does, deal with lack of confidence. I think that was a big root cause for him. Something he did that I can see helped was when he felt tempted or his mind started to wanter he would do something or carry a memento of something he was proud of and felt confident in. We have a business making things so he would pull out a photo of something he made and reminded himself that he has a lot to be confident in. He would also recite the goals he is working towards. Even for myself in my recovery, looking to the future and where we are headed give hope. I have noticed my bad days come from looking to the past, it is only hurt there, but when I look forward to the agreements we have made each other and the direction we are working towards. That really excites me. Learn from the past but don't let your mind sit there. You have a future to work towards, put your focus there.
You are doing a great job! Keep it up. Don't forget to communicate with your beautiful bride! If something crosses your mind enough to think about it, then tell her. That is huge for the repair of the relationship!

 

[alongtheriver]

My husband did, and still does, deal with lack of confidence. I think that was a big root cause for him. Something he did that I can see helped was when he felt tempted or his mind started to wanter he would do something or carry a memento of something he was proud of and felt confident in. We have a business making things so he would pull out a photo of something he made and reminded himself that he has a lot to be confident in. He would also recite the goals he is working towards. Even for myself in my recovery, looking to the future and where we are headed give hope. I have noticed my bad days come from looking to the past, it is only hurt there, but when I look forward to the agreements we have made each other and the direction we are working towards. That really excites me. Learn from the past but don't let your mind sit there. You have a future to work towards, put your focus there.
You are doing a great job! Keep it up. Don't forget to communicate with your beautiful bride! If something crosses your mind enough to think about it, then tell her. That is huge for the repair of the relationship!

Good stuff, thank you! I'm going to give some though to the memento to carry around reminding me of some of the things I have done well. I have no idea what that might be right now, but I like the idea a lot. Thank you!

 

[alongtheriver]

Today was relatively normal. I worked a bunch to get caught up for the long weekend. Didn?t get as much done around the house as I would have liked, but did not really have urges either, so I?ve got that going for me. Big social day tomorrow with a large Thanksgiving get together with family and friends. It?ll be good to be around folks and right now I have a lot to be thankful for.

- Did I use porn today?
  - Nope!
- What were my triggers?
  - Nothing much today.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - I journaled, write my wife in our shared journal, and corresponded with my accountability partner -- super helpful all of these things.
- What am I grateful for today?
  - For my wife, family, house, and work.
- Day counter!
  - 26

 

[alongtheriver]

Thanksgiving today. We have a large gathering outside our home and so it is a big socializing day. I?m aware that can be draining, but being prepared helps a lot and I?m going to be taking some time to take walks occasionally. There is a 5k challenge on the Apple Watch and I?m going to try and hit that. I?ll also totally overeat and it?ll be awesome. I think I?ll also have a glass of wine with all the socializing. So far, so good.

Finishing up this journal entry for 11/23 on 11/24:

I ended up having 2 glasses of wine total. One while cooking and another with dinner. That is less than usual for Thanksgiving. Lots of socializing during the day, but did get some good walks in as well. It was late by the time I got home and just went straight to bed and slept hard. It was a good day.

- Did I use porn today?
  - Nope!
- What were my triggers?
  - Nothing much today.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
  - I journaled, and wrote my accountability partner.
- What am I grateful for today?
  - For time with family and friends and good food.
- Day counter!
  - 27

 

[alongtheriver]

Today my brain told me many times that it would be OK to check out some porn. That I deserved it after such a long and tiring day yesterday. Kept on the straight and narrow this morning, but jumping in the shower wanted to MO. Finished washing quickly and turned it to cold to deal with that. Later checked in with my wife and told her I was struggling and that helped to get some help and comfort from her. I?m exhausted today from everything else and have the fear that I won?t have energy left for resting the urge to PMO. I?ll keep at it though. I?d love to make it to 30 days.

- Did I use porn today?
- No.
- What were my triggers?
- Being overly tired and far too socialized for an introvert.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I told my wife that I was struggling today. I sat with the urges and tried to find the feelings associated with them. I did not come up with anything good though. Maybe I need a more quiet environment for that.
- What am I grateful for today?
- An evening of rest. Driving time in the car with just my wife. It is easy to be around her just the two of us.
- Day counter!
- 28

 

[alongtheriver]

I?m a little down today. After so much socializing, I needed to get back to some house work today and worked on pouring concrete base for a fence gate. It was a huge pain and I?m feeling like I?m just not competent around the house. However, I kept busy enough that I didn?t have any urges. I?m almost to day 30 now and glad for that. I just wish I wasn?t down as much as I am right now for some reason. Also, I really wanted to drink tonight because of my fence work frustration.

- Did I use porn today?
- No.
- What were my triggers?
- Being tired and not feeling confident.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Not much of anything other than journal about it.
- What am I grateful for today?
- Getting stuff done around the house and one more day without PMO.
- Day counter!
- 29

 

[getagrip]

Hey River...

Now that you've had a chance to sleep on it, do you have any new ideas about why you were feeling down last night? At least you always seem to be able to define your feelings. That way, you can deal with them and try to find solutions. A lot of guys have just vague feelings of discomfort, without really stopping to figure out what's bugging them, and so they turn to porn to get away from that discomfort they haven't defined and dealt with.

Almost to day 30! Great work!