Aiming for Honesty and Consistency

alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
Short entry again. I got some down time today, which was great!

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Nothing
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Took some down time for myself today.
- What am I grateful for today?
- Sunshine and cold weather.
- Day counter!
- 54
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
I had some urges today. I was working and was separated from my wife today for some time and I definitely had some urges during that time. I just picked myself up and walked around a bit rather than dive into it and ended up having some extra productive time instead of wasting time on porn. The desire was there though, so gotta stay vigilant.

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Being alone
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Walked around and worked hard./
- What am I grateful for today?
- Family. Winter Solstice today. Fire in the fireplace tonight.
- Day counter!
- 55
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
Feeling good today. It was a chores and getting stuff done around the house day. Splitting firewood and such was a good use for my energy. No urges. I have been drinking more alcohol over the last week or so, but so far it has seemed OK.

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Nothing
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Kept busy and active around the house.
- What am I grateful for today?
- For the opportunity to be as active as I am around the house. Splitting wood and having a fire in the fireplace is something I love and this is the first time I?ve had this in my home. I?m very grateful to have it.
- Day counter!
- 57
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
I've been busy with holidays and guests in the house and not updating here, but I have officially made it 60 days. Feels good and I'm relieved to have made it this long. Thing is, my wife says I should get something or do something for myself today as a reward and I'm thinking on that this morning. In doing so I'm realizing that I have a hell of a hard time giving to myself. If it were up to me and I kept with old patterns I would say today, "I have no idea what I want" and then not get anything. Only to sit on it for a couple months and then finally decide that I'm worth of it. At that point it will be inconvenient or I won't have the cash flow for what I now want and just scrap the whole thing. So, with that, I'm going to take her advice and see if I can nail something down by the end of the day.

Anyone here have thoughts on how they would mark 60 days?
 
A

aquarius25

Respected Member
I would suggest if you wife was a big pull for you to heal then don?t something special with her. If there is something you found very inspiring then get more of whatever that is. Look at your motivation and why you are doing this and as an affirmation and reward for hard work do or get something to bring you closer to the person you want to be. My husband was distant before D day. His family was a big motivation for him to heal so when he wanted to celebrate we would do something special as a family. He would usually get a photo of the day or some something from where we went, like a coffee cup. Then he would have a memory and reminder of thework and rewards of healing. He has really appreciated and enjoyed his family so much more sinfe he chose to recover! Congrats on your hard work! Keep it up, you are doing great!
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
Feeling very weird and depressed today. 60 days as of today. My wife is really encouraging me to get some kind of gift for myself for making it this far and even under normal circumstances (like getting money for my birthday or something similar) I have a hard time spending any on myself. This is an amplified version of that. I?m going to do it anyway, but it is making me feel quite strange. I definitely don?t feel deserving even though I have done the work.

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Having succeeded in something and feeling depressed and unworthy as a result.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Talked to my wife about it. Wrote in my journal. Wrote my accountability partner, etc. and am going to ignore my brain and do it anyway as an exercise to see what happens.
- What am I grateful for today?
- For my wonderful wife to call my bullshit.
- Day counter!
- 60
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
ATR,
One thing ive realized in my journey is that I've been very hard on myself. My friends say the same too.
Its not right.
So lately when i run, i keep chanting to myself "i love myself... I love myself"
And amazingly its giving me much faith, strength and happiness to do and believe in myself.

I would say take the money and buy something nice for yourself, like a watch, that you can constantly use and remind yourself.
Or take half and buy something nice for your wife. Nothing feels better than making others happy.

Finally, don't indulge in your feelings.
Keep your goals in focus. Power through.
If you're feeling down, hug yourself, have a nap, and then get up and go do something.

We are here because we have let our emotions dictate our lives. But when we overcome challenges, we build faith and trust in ourselves.

Be strong my friend.
Love yourself deeply.
Give to yourself what you instinctively give to those you love deeply. 
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
Feeling good today. Engrossed in a novel. Had a budget date with my wife (not an inexpensive date, but one where we talked about our budget for the next year).

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Nothing today.
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- I read a bunch. I?m deep into a great novel and spending all my extra time on it.
- What am I grateful for today?
- A good book and a date to go over our budget with my wife (strangely it was quite fun).
- Day counter!
- 62
 
getagrip

getagrip

Active Member
Hey River...

Sounds like you are doing great. Sometimes we should all just ditch our self-help books and read a good novel instead. It just might be more therapeutic!

I also like that you and your wife had a date to talk about the budget. This is good evidence that teamwork and communication are functioning within your marriage. Maybe next date the conversation could be something other than the budget, though, lol!
 
alongtheriver

alongtheriver

Member
Oh hey! I didn't see this post. Yeah, but the budget talk was super fun, actually! :)

??????????

Today was a good day. I?ve been lax in posting here, but I?ve been keeping up regular correspondence with my accountability partner and a shared journal with my wife so we can have daily check ins. All that is working well, but the thought of having a third place to post every day is weighing on me. However, I regularly get a lot out of the feedback here, so I?m redoubling my efforts to share here too.

- Did I use porn today?
- No
- What were my triggers?
- Nothing today
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- Exercise and reading (totally engrossing book right now -- also just signed up for a library card in the new town I live in yesterday)
- What am I grateful for today?
- Libraries
- Day counter!
- 69
 
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