Age 26 - Time to change!

[jjhh]

Theporntrap, thank you.
I think you nailed it and said exactly what I needed to hear. Frankly I don't know if I should feel guilty about the MO without porn. That's why I have been so powerless resisting it.
But I do know that going back to hardmode can only be a good thing considering this girl and all.
So that's what I'm going to do.

God bless you too, and I hope you the best!

 

[jjhh]

Yeah.
I can do this, now that I got my mind set straight.

Women are strange creatures. They can seem foreign and intimidating at first. Once you get to know them you realize they are just people like you. And once you get to know better at personal level you realize that they often emotional and fragile little things, and much more insecure than you ever imagined.
And then it's quite impossible to see them as sex objects.

 

[jjhh]

Days 3-4 without O have been most difficult to me traditionally.
Now this feels easy somehow. I suppose it's because I didn't really have fullscale relapse, just around five times of MO without porn.

I have been busy with work and I'm seeing this girl like two times a week currently. She works long hours too.
Whenever I spend a day with her it's quite overwhelming. I love every bit of our time together, but it takes me a day of solitary to recover...
These past weeks have been really hectic in many ways. Haven't been reading, playing videogames or working out much either.
I listen more and more music all the time though. Helps me relax.

 

[jjhh]

No MO is getting a bit more difficult.
Last two mornings I'm half awake in bed for an hour boner on/off dreaming about sex with her. Hard to control it when brain is still half asleep.

update:
Damn it's difficult now again. Back when I was doing MO with P, I had no problem avoiding sexual stuff on the web.
Now after I decided not to MO either, I'm getting much more tempted to check the web for softcore.
Hardcore is tough, but damnit I will do it atleast this 30 days I set.
I think the problem is I feel much less messed up now compared to when I started nofap. So I lack the "I must do this to fix my life" additude that I had when I started.

 

[jjhh]

Ok, I failed after 5 days.... no porn though. 
I just lack the determination to go back to hardcore, and I have no idea how to fix that.
Maybe I could motivate myself to do once a week MO without P. That would be like 1/20 what I used to PMO in the past. (around 3x daily)
Reduce it from there if I can...That's sounds like a reasonable plan I suppose? And I do need a plan.

 

[jjhh]

Beautiful woman who I thought was super confident and strong, showing her weaker side and crying against my shoulder when I hug her....
Oh wow....I haven't experienced anything like that before. Really incredible feeling in 100% non-sexual way and a massive confidence boost for me.

I'm trying to maintain my motivation for working out. I have been lifting around 5 months fairly consistently now, and that's a habit I intend to keep. It's always been on/off kinda thing for me in past years.

 

[jjhh]

I keep failing at the no-MO.
Yet the thing is I don't know if I still need the no-fap reboot...
- I don't feel like wathing porn anymore
- I don't have ED problems, or lack of lipido
- I have greatly increased my social skill and activity, mostly by quitting the porn IMO
- I have a whole new condifence level
- I got a new girlfriend who is amazing (not having sex yet)
- without the porn, MO once a day feels like alot, I don't feel like masturbating excessively
- I'm very happy about life in general

I might lay back for a while and update this diary less frequently. Let's see how things go.

 

[qrayzHD]

Well i intentionally masturbated after 45 days yesterday to test my theory that MO w/o P or fantasy is a good thing later in the reboot, this morning i have no urges to M or view P and i feel as good as i did yesterday. IMO doing nofap is good for avoiding P until you are strong enough to avoid P by yourself but nofap is not the major factor in rewiring to real life women, porn is. Just my $0.02.

 

[jjhh]

... but nofap is not the major factor in rewiring to real life women, porn is. Just my $0.02.

Yeah. I think that's true. It's the porn that turns men into compulsive fappers and "sex" addicts IMO.

But anyways, I do think there are definately some benefits of doing hardcore abstinence.
Personally after one or two weeks of difficulty I did reach really calm and steady mindset with clear thinking etc. Perhaps more so than I got now with occasional MO.
Orgasms cause that pleasure&brainfog rollercoaster even without porn.
I'm thinking I try doing "free to M", but without O or P, and see how that goes.
During my hardmode I did do some masturbating and edging (wasn't supposed to), and I found out that quitting without O wasn't that bad at all, as long as I didn't go too close to "the edge".
That might keep my mind and hormones more steady, and perhaps help with my acne too. (it's gotten bit worse after quitting hardmode)

 

[jjhh]

Had an busy and interesting weekend.
I visited my girlfriends hometown, saw her parents for the first time, had a dinner with them and met alot of other new people too, her friends and relatives.
I have to admit I was really anxious beforehand, but in the end it was fun time and I quite enjoyed the socializing too which is quite new to me.
Really felt I was pushing my limits though and being out of my comfort zone most of that time, yet I managed not to stress too much or burn out.
I think I conquered some old fears of mine and it's a great feeling afterwards.
And my girlfriend said I impressed her parents, so that's a bonus.  8)

I'm sort of struggling with the no O thing though...

 

[jjhh]

Ok ok, I'm doing it again...
Hardcore counter running!
But if she asks for a some massage again I will totally fail at this.

 

[jjhh]

Arghh... hardcore is not easy during the first week. Not easy at all.
It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that the desire to O will only get stronger until the inevitable MO.
But thats not the case... I remind myself that the urges will pass if I just chill and wait...

 

[jjhh]

Made it: Day 6!
I wonder why days 4-5 without O are always such a pain and struggle, but then my head suddently cools down and I don't feel like touching my dick anymore?
Even after seeing my girl and getting constant 50-60% boners when kissing her (she kindly pretends not to notice) I didn't feel like masturbating when I came home. So that's good.
Let the days roll... I hope I can keep it up this time.

 

[jjhh]

The days have been rolling smoothly.
Haven't been doing any edging in few days. Haven't felt like it really, and my mind is really calm again.

It's strange how strong the connection between MO and acne is for me. When I did 30 days of no MO, my skin looked better than ever.
After falling into MO again acne started coming back within a week.
Now after 8 days of no MO, it's getting much better again.
And I haven't changed anything else, like diet or skincare.
The correlation is just ridiculously strong.

 

[jjhh]

The relationship with my girlfriend has been going very well. To be honest i'm ecstatic about it, better yet I know she is too.
We are very much on the same level, mentally, intellectually and spiritually.
The sexual chemistry is very strong too.
One of the amazing things is that even though we only known each other for short time (like 2 months?) we really have a strong friendship. Openness, understanding, closeness and all that...
We talk openly even about sex, how we view our relationship, what limits we wanna draw etc.
As I said before, she is no-sex outside marriage kinda girl, but she is not shy or uptight at all (perhaps because she is a doctor...). She is not virgin either, as she became "devout" christian only when she was around 20.
She doesn't have much dating or sexual experience though, and she knows I don't either.  But she doen't know I am a virgin, as we haven't gone into specifics.
I'm not ashamed about it, so I would never lie about it. But I think if she knew I'm a virgin, she would only feel bad about losing hers in teenage years.

Couple of times we have had like an hour long kissing/hugging/sweet talk sessions. They are better than PMO ever was, and that feeling of satisfaction is much less momentary. The best thing is feeling her heat up a little by little with every kiss and by every minute. After an hour she is melting, and she is not hiding it much.
I apologized about the boners I have. She lolled and said she's impressed by my honesty and said she takes my boners as
compliments!
So yes it's going really good.
Our biggest challenge will be refraining from sex...  I wouldn't mind marrying this girl, but we just met. Haha.  ;D
Somehow I have been able to not MO. I don't know how. I really don't.
Maybe my brain just isn't that satisfied with imagination and MO anymore?

 

[Promise]

That sounds wonderful congrats jjhh!  When you spoke about feeling her getting warmer, excitement about little things like that just can't be fabricated.  It's been so long since I had a partner, I miss all those little things.

 

[mikejensen88]

Jjhh this is so great to hear!!! I really am thrilled that you have this mindset right now!!! I was with a girl for the first time in months and it was a totally different experience from before I stopped watching porn. I wasn't worried about "getting off" I actually didn't care if I even did! I was just so happy to feel this girl in my hands and to make her smile. That feeling was empowering and I know you can feel that same way now when you hold your girl. "They are way better than PMO ever was"!!!!!!!!!You said it!!! Isn't it awesome man! I'm continuing to root for you man!! God Bless!!!

 

[jjhh]

Thanks guys. It's amazing feeling for sure, and something I actually thought I would never experience.
Sharing that with someone who views the world the same way and wants similar things in life makes it even better. So yeah I do feel incredibly lucky, or incredibly blessed rather.

Again, thanks for the encouragement.
As long as I don't mess the relationship up somehow i'm sure I can get away from the PMO stuff for good.

 

[jjhh]

Almost half a month of no O already. There have been alot of easy days, and then some tougher ones in between. Fairly steady overall.
I didn't have any noticable withdrawals this time.
Every morning I'm wake up really horny, but usually it passes.
I haven't been dreaming about anything sexual in a long time. Haven't been dreaming about anything actually.

Acne going away really nicely still. It's my biggest motivator for doing hardcore no-fap.

 

[jjhh]

21 days. Going good. I have noticed slight flatlining, or at least some reduced lipido.
At the moment it's a good thing... my gf might be a lady on the outside, but deep down she is a wildcat.
I need that flatline for maintaining self control...  she is not making it easy for me.

Took part of some social gatherings this weekend with her. Birthdays and stuff.
I'm socially exhausted but happy.