elephantricity
Active Member
Yeah man, I was on suboxone for 7 years, and have 40 days off that now. I wish I would have done it sooner, because the combination of that, and no porn has made my libido skyrocket.
Changing my life for the better
- Thread starter elephantricity
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elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 5
So I had sex with my friend with benefits again last night. This is the 2nd time we've hooked up, and I couldn't O. So I guess its true what they say in that recovery is an ongoing process. I mean, I felt like I got close, but decided to hold off and change the pace to keep going longer, but then just never reached that state of feeling like being near climax again. I told her I wasn't going to be able to O and we could stop, and she drops the typical line "Is it me?" I've heard this question SO many times and all I can do is reassure her its not her and that it that just happens with me.
So I had sex with my friend with benefits again last night. This is the 2nd time we've hooked up, and I couldn't O. So I guess its true what they say in that recovery is an ongoing process. I mean, I felt like I got close, but decided to hold off and change the pace to keep going longer, but then just never reached that state of feeling like being near climax again. I told her I wasn't going to be able to O and we could stop, and she drops the typical line "Is it me?" I've heard this question SO many times and all I can do is reassure her its not her and that it that just happens with me.
elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 10
Had a wet dream last night. Kind of sucks, but I feel pretty good this morning. Been waking up in the middle of the night with pretty crazy erections. I was in a bit of a flatline the past couple days, but I feel like my libido is kind of coming back with a force. Going to go out this weekend with friends. Should be fun. Had a couple of urges to view P.. Especially at night. They are getting easier to fight off though which is great.
Had a wet dream last night. Kind of sucks, but I feel pretty good this morning. Been waking up in the middle of the night with pretty crazy erections. I was in a bit of a flatline the past couple days, but I feel like my libido is kind of coming back with a force. Going to go out this weekend with friends. Should be fun. Had a couple of urges to view P.. Especially at night. They are getting easier to fight off though which is great.
elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 12
So I was able to climax with my FWB again. So thats twice out of the 4 times we have hooked up. I definitely think having a partner is helping the rewiring process. But I'm definitely wiser this time around. I had a different FWB when I started this journey about a year ago, and was getting regular sex. The urges to view P were quite minimal much like they are now. But when I lost that connection and wanted to take it further with that first girl, it made slipping back into P much more easily. So this time around I'm just going to be more aware of my feelings. I definitely DON'T want a serious relationship with this new girl, but I think the fact that I'm getting sex just makes P much less appealing. Though I would like to think I'm not using as a coping mechanism.
So I was able to climax with my FWB again. So thats twice out of the 4 times we have hooked up. I definitely think having a partner is helping the rewiring process. But I'm definitely wiser this time around. I had a different FWB when I started this journey about a year ago, and was getting regular sex. The urges to view P were quite minimal much like they are now. But when I lost that connection and wanted to take it further with that first girl, it made slipping back into P much more easily. So this time around I'm just going to be more aware of my feelings. I definitely DON'T want a serious relationship with this new girl, but I think the fact that I'm getting sex just makes P much less appealing. Though I would like to think I'm not using as a coping mechanism.
elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 2
Been slipping up again recently. Also, need to stop hanging out with my FWB, because she loves cocaine, and I had an actual drug relapse, just by being around her. Thats after 7 years of being clean from drugs too, and me being a drug addict, I know I can't have her in my life anymore, and hope to live a healthy life. Plus when we had sex on cocaine, I couldn't climax, and honestly, preferred sex without the coke, which some people might find crazy. Coke was never my main drug of choice, I was always a downer guy, but if I go down that road, I know I'm FUCKED. So after not getting laid for a week and a half I started watching porn here and there again. Of course, my social skills crash whenever this happens. Thankfully, there are 2 girls I've been talking to so I have hope of getting back out there and dating n what not. Got through 1 day w/o PMO, which is always the hardest day.. Its all downhill from here!
Been slipping up again recently. Also, need to stop hanging out with my FWB, because she loves cocaine, and I had an actual drug relapse, just by being around her. Thats after 7 years of being clean from drugs too, and me being a drug addict, I know I can't have her in my life anymore, and hope to live a healthy life. Plus when we had sex on cocaine, I couldn't climax, and honestly, preferred sex without the coke, which some people might find crazy. Coke was never my main drug of choice, I was always a downer guy, but if I go down that road, I know I'm FUCKED. So after not getting laid for a week and a half I started watching porn here and there again. Of course, my social skills crash whenever this happens. Thankfully, there are 2 girls I've been talking to so I have hope of getting back out there and dating n what not. Got through 1 day w/o PMO, which is always the hardest day.. Its all downhill from here!
elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 1 (again)
So I've been in a healthy relationship for a year. I still struggle with viewing P. Thankfully, my DE is gone away, I think my brain was rebooted when I started having sex regularly, plus not viewing P with the frequency I was during the height of my addiciton. However, now, I choose to abstain from P due to the brain fog it produces. I even notice it when I have sex with my partner several times a week. So I've been trying to do this semen retention thing. I seriously hate porn. I feel shameful after I watch it. I can usually get a week or 10 days off it before I relapse and watch it several times in one night, then start the process over. I started this journey because I had DE when I had sex. After cutting back my P use, the DE went away, however, I'm still left with the terrible brain fog and not being present to the moment.
So I've been in a healthy relationship for a year. I still struggle with viewing P. Thankfully, my DE is gone away, I think my brain was rebooted when I started having sex regularly, plus not viewing P with the frequency I was during the height of my addiciton. However, now, I choose to abstain from P due to the brain fog it produces. I even notice it when I have sex with my partner several times a week. So I've been trying to do this semen retention thing. I seriously hate porn. I feel shameful after I watch it. I can usually get a week or 10 days off it before I relapse and watch it several times in one night, then start the process over. I started this journey because I had DE when I had sex. After cutting back my P use, the DE went away, however, I'm still left with the terrible brain fog and not being present to the moment.
elephantricity
Active Member
Some good habits I've picked up though on my break from this message board is fitness, doing 12 step recovery for drug addiciton, and trying to be more spiritual and present to the moment. My life is so much better before posting on this board, and I've found that every failure or collapse is usually followed by success.
elephantricity
Active Member
DAY 22
Back on the boards after a long break. Been seeing the same girl for over 2 years now. I still get DE from time to time, but its not something I think about anymore.. If anything, I wish I could go longer without O'ing now which is kind of funny. Anyways, I don't think I've ever made it to 30 days without P. I'm pretty confident I'm gonna hit that mark this time...
What has been the tool thats led to my success? MEDITATION! Last year I started a serious meditation practice, and the way it has illuminated my mind in regards to craving has been a godsend. Whenever urges crop up, instead of just going through with the thought, I can take a step back and see myself having the urge, and it always passes as long as I abstain from P.
The past 3 years have been a whirlwind. Relapsing on substances, P... It really has made me realize, I have little control over my thoughts, and my self-will. If I'm feeling stressed, depressed, anxious... my ego will want to remedy that 'negative' state. It knows the quickest solution, and that has always been drugs or P. I've come to an acceptance about this, that I have a disease.. The disease of substance use, and P addiction. Its a coping mechanism... but its a coping mechanism that ALWAYS leads down a dark path. I've learned not to beat myself up over relapse, because I've done it SO MANY TIMES. I can say though, I'm definitely wiser, today, and when I'm feeling low, I try to find gratitude for all the things I have. All the experiences I've had. Also learning how to roll with the punches. My relationship with my GF has had its ups and downs, but I know thats just life.
I'll post here again when I got 30 days
Also, if a mod once to move this to the 30-39 forum since I'm 32 now, that would be great!.. Can't believe I started this journal when I was 29.. yikes! hahahah
Back on the boards after a long break. Been seeing the same girl for over 2 years now. I still get DE from time to time, but its not something I think about anymore.. If anything, I wish I could go longer without O'ing now which is kind of funny. Anyways, I don't think I've ever made it to 30 days without P. I'm pretty confident I'm gonna hit that mark this time...
What has been the tool thats led to my success? MEDITATION! Last year I started a serious meditation practice, and the way it has illuminated my mind in regards to craving has been a godsend. Whenever urges crop up, instead of just going through with the thought, I can take a step back and see myself having the urge, and it always passes as long as I abstain from P.
The past 3 years have been a whirlwind. Relapsing on substances, P... It really has made me realize, I have little control over my thoughts, and my self-will. If I'm feeling stressed, depressed, anxious... my ego will want to remedy that 'negative' state. It knows the quickest solution, and that has always been drugs or P. I've come to an acceptance about this, that I have a disease.. The disease of substance use, and P addiction. Its a coping mechanism... but its a coping mechanism that ALWAYS leads down a dark path. I've learned not to beat myself up over relapse, because I've done it SO MANY TIMES. I can say though, I'm definitely wiser, today, and when I'm feeling low, I try to find gratitude for all the things I have. All the experiences I've had. Also learning how to roll with the punches. My relationship with my GF has had its ups and downs, but I know thats just life.
I'll post here again when I got 30 days
Also, if a mod once to move this to the 30-39 forum since I'm 32 now, that would be great!.. Can't believe I started this journal when I was 29.. yikes! hahahah